“DIE!”

At impact, the shell breaks and albumen stains Seunghyun’s face. He winces and lowers his head. He doesn’t wipe it off and lets it be. He uses a hand to shield his eyes from the ruthless assault of light flashing directly at him.

Who would have thought it would come to this?

He was used to this routine. He would walk calmly towards the van with security flustering ahead of him. Fans would scream at the top of their lungs and point their camera phones at him. Some would ask for an autograph, a handshake or a hug. Some would hand him gifts and some were just content to have seen or touched him.  But all of that has changed right now.

He had been so used to receiving love that he’s forgotten how hatred felt.

Hate.

Yes, it was hate.

For someone who had never stood on its receiving end, they would never understand. If love was such a powerful and strong feeling, wouldn’t its opposite be as powerful and strong? If love could compel people to do amazing things, wouldn’t hate be just as forceful? If love can make people do extraordinary and impossible things, couldn’t hate? If love could make you give your life, couldn’t hate, take it?

“GO TO HELL!”

A cup of iced water splashes at the side of his face and he cringes at the icy liquid. He momentarily stops and breathes in a lungful of air, paralyzed by the cold assault. Seunghyun musters the courage to turn his head to the side and look straight at the assailant’s eyes.

“You shouldn’t be using Jiyong-oppa!” a girl in her teens had angry tears on her face. She was holding on dearly to a picture of Jiyong - Seunghyun could recognize Jiyong’s signature on it. “I HATE YOU!” she shrills at him with all her might.

Seunghyun watches in amazement as the pretty young girl continued to scream her hatred towards him. He felt so sorry for her. This girl did not deserve to be feeling that way. Seunghyun just looks at her and the little girl steps back in fright, grasping Jiyong’s picture in a protective hug.

Seunghyun looks up, lifting his head as high as his neck allowed. He moves his feet and slowly turns around, and all he sees are the same angry faces, shouting their hate and disgust, aiming litter and words like knives seeking for his life.

But Seunghyun could not hate them back. Because these people, like him, loved Jiyong. They loved Jiyong so much that even when Jiyong died, they wanted to protect his image, his memory. Seunghyun understood their heart; he knew their intentions so he could not hate them back.

He could only receive it.

“I’m sorry” he tries to say to her, but security quickly drags him away. They lower his head in an attempt to protect him from the violent attacks. He was pushed inside the car and when the door closed, he crowd still threw water and eggs at his window.

The van slowly advances as the police controlled the crowd and made a path for them. The stylist frets over him as she dabs a towel to his face, trying to remove all the disgusting fluids. The crowd was a block behind them now but Seunghyun could still hear their curses.

The stylist stops from her work and just cries softly at his side as she watched him.  He grabs the towel from her hands and does it himself; saving himself some dignity after not defending himself from the persecution of the violent crowd.

Seunghyun found the task to be difficult though, with hands unstoppably shaking and fingers continually losing its grip. He gives up and just stares at the trembling hands in his lap, thinking what had he done to deserve this.

He only loved Jiyong.  

Was that so wrong?

-=oOo=-

Seunghyun opens the door to the dark house.  Only now he realizes how quiet the night has become. He settles his things down the table and looks around. He reaches for the switch to open the lights but he hesitates.

He was so used to the darkness that the light scared him. His fingers pressed the switch lightly.

They have been in hiding for so long that he had forgotten how freedom felt.

He and Jiyong have been concealing their relationship to the public, to their friends and families for so many years that they have become accustomed to lying, manipulating and deceiving people. Never being able to show their true selves, always acting with restraint - that was how they lived.

They weren’t a normal couple that could hold hands in the street, talk about sweet nothings among friends and hug each other in front of their families. Their relationship was like a made up story to the outside world, like an ever growing lie sustaining itself with more untruth.

They loved but loved in secret. Never fully consummated, never complete. Without the blessing of their parents, without the approbation from their friends, without the approval of the public, their love could never be whole.

Now that everything was out in the open, finally –

They were free.

The light switches on and Seunghyun’s vision starts to distort into a memory from when Jiyong hanged around the house. He sees Jiyong glowing like star, a faint image threatening to disappear. Seunghyun smiles, not really caring if this was all a dream. After everything he’s been through for the past three days, he could settle for this, even if the Jiyong right now existed only in his mind’s eye.

“Don’t just stand there stupid.” Jiyong barks at him while crashing down the couch. “Come here!”

Seunghyun followed Jiyong on the couch and sat down beside him. He was surprised when Jiyong suddenly laid down and put his head on his lap.

“Not bad hyung.” Jiyong stuffs his face on his stomach. “Who says you can’t rap anymore? That’ll show them.”

Seunghyun laughs at Jiyong’s remark. There were some comments in the industry that Seunghyun was losing his touch in music, particularly in rap. He had been active in acting in dramas and movies that some say he’s changed professions.

“I fell in love you that way.” Jiyong wraps his arms around his waist. It seems like he was recalling the first time he saw Seunghyun rap freestyle on stage. “I never told you this, but I always believed you were better than me.”

Seunghyun’s laughter dies down and he gazes at Jiyong lovingly.

“But not in dancing!” Jiyong quickly adds when he sees Seunghyun’s face getting smug all of a sudden. “You’ll forever be bingu-TOP to me. I’ve given up teaching you so you can choom all you want from now on.”

Seunghyun laughs again. Everything Jiyong says brings him so much happiness, it was unexplainable.

“But you kept your promise.” Jiyong looked up at him and puckered his lips, acting cute. “After the encore, after the tour, you told everyone.”

Seunghyun stares back at the shiny eyes. Jiyong was drunk when he made that promise to him. What amazing memory their leader had to be able to remember such small thing. But no matter – the deed was done.

“Not the way I would have done it but it works.” Jiyong covers his face with both hands, trying to cover his blushing cheeks. It seems he was embarrassed by Seunghyun’s performance a while ago. “You really are so unpredictable.”

Seunghyun watches as Jiyong shyly peeks from his hands to look at his reaction. “Yah! Say something!”

“Sorry it took so long.” Seunghyun told him sadly. “I…” he paused, not wanting to admit his weakness. All this time, Seunghyun thought he was protecting Jiyong. But it turned out that it was the other way around. Now he realized that he was the one who was afraid. He was scared that if the world didn’t approve of their love, they would be forced to separate for the sake of their careers and futures. He was afraid that he might not have enough strength to keep their relationship once that happened.

Because of his insecurities, both of them had been constantly fearful of the world. They had missed on the most important pleasures in life. Simple pleasures such as walking in the park hand in hand, strolling in the middle of the city in broad daylight, free from restraints of their own anxieties and timidities. They could have lived happier lives, complete lives. Jiyong could have been happier.

 “…I was a coward.”

Seunghyun finally confesses. But it was too late now. It wouldn’t make a difference now. That was his regret.

Jiyong’s eyes softened and his face had turned into one of concern and alarm. “Don’t say that.” He told Seunghyun with a sorrowful voice. “You were brave when I needed you most to be.”

Seunghyun looked at Jiyong with a puzzled face, trying to think of the time Jiyong was describing. Was it that time when Jiyong gave him permission to claim his body? Or that time when he asked Jiyong to marry him?

“When you first told me you loved me.” Jiyong smiled his prettiest. “Do you remember?”

At that, Seunghyun cries. Not of tears that he shed before, not full of sorrow and uncertainty, of longing of desire. These tears were of joy and thankfulness as Seunghyun realizes Jiyong saves him yet again from his own insecurities.

“I was suffering then, do you remember?”  Jiyong asks him as Seunghyun’s tears fall on Jiyong’s cheeks. “I was hiding for a longer period. Just waiting…” Jiyong reaches for his face, to wipe his tears. “Just waiting for these feeling to disappear.” Seunghyun closed his eyes; he could almost feel his touch. It felt so real.

“I was a coward too.” Jiyong tells him. “But you were brave for the both of us.”

“Jiyong!” Seunghyun calls out as the glow in Jiyong started to dim. This dream was vanishing. Jiyong was fading away. Now that he had fulfilled Jiyong’s wish, now that he had delivered his promise, Jiyong’s spirit could be at peace. Jiyong’s spirit could finally pass on to the next world. He regrets that his might be that last of Jiyong that he will encounter but then he wishes for nothing more than for Jiyong to remain in paradise for all of eternity. At least there, he would truly be happy.

“Enjoy heaven.” Seunghyun teases. Even at the end, he still remained he good humoured boy Jiyong knows him to be. He doesn’t say goodbye, thinking he could always see him in his dreams.

Before Jiyong vanishes completely however, he manages to whisper in Seunghyun’s ear. “I’m already in heaven.”

As if waking from a daze, Seunghyun hears a knock on his door. He looks around the lighted house and finds no trace of Jiyong. Had Jiyong’s spirit finally found its way? Seunghyun could only hope. “Ji?” he asked the emptiness around him. When there was no answer, he smiled, thinking maybe Jiyong was finally in a better place. Everything was quiet and peaceful at last.

The night was long and he truly thought it was the end. Tomorrow was another battle but he was prepared for the resistance. Since he had begun this war against the world, he must see it thru the end. He just hopes this midnight guest would leave quickly, so that he could finally have the rest his mind and body begged for.

He imagined it would be his mother, who was searching for him ever since his discharge at the sanatorium. Or Hyun Suk, who might be having a heart attack upon reading the note he left. Or one of the Bigbang members who either was worried sick about him or angry at him for doing something stupid again.

He opens the door and finds his guests on the floor. He kneels down and picks up the source of the loud knocks.

Rocks on his front porch.

A flash of light and a piece of crystal hits his face as another rock hits the glass lamp.

There was darkness, once again.

-=oOo=-

“WELL, WHERE IS HE?”

Hyun Suk finally snaps, the stress and exhaustion from the past two days finally taking its toll. As a leader of YG Entertainment, people look up to him to make the big decisions. Decisions too heavy, too burdensome, that a person of weak constitution would fail to make. The people below him look up to him for guidance and for answers. Because as a leader, you must have the answer for every question your followers would ask. And the answer isn’t just any answer – it must be the right answer.

But now all his answers had left him.

In his hand was a video of Seunghyun, taken somewhere from the hip-hop underground scene. He recognizes he host, the DJ and the clubs banner that hung high in the booth. He knew them all. He wasn’t called President for nothing.

He recognized Seunghyun’s voice, that deep treble and those characteristic chants. All uniquely Seunghyun. Whenever someone asks of what he thinks of Seunghyun, he always says he same thing – Seunghyun was very distinctive. His music style was one of a kind, not to mention his personality was unique.

He couldn’t help but marvel as he listened to his freestyle rap. Hyun Suk was critical when it came to music and he was satisfied that Seunghyun stayed on-beat, stressing syllables in time to the four beats. What he was most surprised at was the complexity of Seunghyun’s rhyme schemes. Occasionally, Seunghyun reorganizes the rhythm for variety and surprise and he pulls it off flawlessly.

Hyun Suk rewinds to the beginning of the clip, to the part where Seunghyun sings the first verse with only a breath. He shakes his head at the big improvement Seunghyun has made over the years. His breath control was weak then but now Seunghyun could deliver difficult verses without making those unintentional pauses for air. His enunciation was perfect. Aside from the intro, the whole song was sung in Korean. Something very impossible for hip-hop, if you think about it.

Yet there was Seunghyun, singing that impossible song, his vocal presence dominating the whole room. Word by word, rhythm by rhythm, the musical masterpiece was born and catapulted into the world that was mindless of all its masked glories.

Such a waste of talent, he thinks, as he grasps a note that Seunghyun left.

He had found it in his desk that night. From Seunghyun, the letters read. He flips it open with shaky hands - he didn’t dare breathe as he read the short letter. He had never read a suicide note before so he did not know what it looked like. Seunghyun was thanking him for all the good things he had done. Seunghyun was saying he was happy for being able to join his company and for being treated like an adored son. Seunghyun was telling him that he was about to do something that he must, something he might regret, something dangerous, something that could damage Hyun Suk and his company. Seunghyun says sorry and tells him that in order for the company not to lose face, he is breeching his contract and leaving the company that night. Seunghyun says he will live in solitude from now on and wishes that their paths will meet again someday.

What a stubborn boy, he thinks.

He looks back at the video clip, to Seunghyun who was now rapping metaphors upon extended metaphors of how he found utopia inside the dragon’s belly or how the dragon’s breath inflamed the man inside of him.

Those who knew how to read those lines would surely make the connection.

Seunghyun loved Jiyong.

And it was not just the brotherly nor platonic love. By the way he spoke of it, in clear diction and faultless speech, he describes their romantic relationship, their physical relationship. From the moment they first met to the moment when Jiyong’s heart ceased to beat, he describes their love, repeating it over and over like a recurring chorus.

What had Seunghyun brought upon himself, he thinks.

This young boy didn’t need this much suffering but why chose this path? He could understand why Seunghyun was passionate about Jiyong and how sad he must be upon losing him. But all this pain, it wasn’t necessary.

Hyun Suk has been in this business for decades now and he knows how a scandal could end careers. He has seen actors, singers, emcees retiring early, being scarred emotionally, because of a small gossip blowing up into court cases overnight. But they were entering a more forbidden subject matter – homouality. This kind of relationship was frowned upon in Korean society. They could get away with it in dramas, ads or TV shows but never in real life. He has seen Korean celebrities driven to suicide by harassment netizens. They were fired from their jobs and bullied by the public to the point in which they felt that death was their only option.

He could not let this happen to Seunghyun. He had lost Jiyong but no more. He won’t lose anyone else.

“Sajangnim.” His secretary called for him from the front seat. “It’s confirmed. He’s back in his villa.”

“Quick!” Hyun Suk orders. “Get security in there!”

He looks at the letter in his hands, wishing it wouldn’t turn out as Seunghyun’s suicide note.

-=oOo=-

“Umma, I’m sorry.”

Mrs. Choi cries desperately as she listens to Seunghyun’s voice message. She receives it once she arrived at Jiyong’s wake. She was supposed to meet him there with Jiyong’s mother but before Mrs. Kwon could explain why she hasn’t brought her son there, Seunghyun had already put it in plain words.

“How are you doing?” Seunghyun greets. “I hope you are well.”

Mrs. Choi sits in the nearest chair, collapsing at the fear of the words that could come out of the little device. That night she was informed that Seunghyun was not insane and that he was discharged at the hospital. She hurries back to the city at the news, anticipating the time when she could hold his son in his arms again. But then all she meets is his son’s recorded message.

She holds the phone tightly, with enough force to almost crush it.  

“Please don’t be surprised.” Seunghyun says through the recording. “Before I announce it to the public, I wanted to let you know first - so please don’t be shocked when you hear it.”

Mrs. Choi nods, as if Seunghyun was there to see it.

“I love my best friend, I love Kwon Jiyong.” Seunghyun says seriously. “We’ve been in a relationship for more than a year now. I loved him when I first saw him and I haven’t stopped loving him since. Even now, I love him still.”

Mrs. Choi bit her lip. The way her son described his love – it was too beautiful. He sounded proud and happy and without regret that the mother could not hide her joy that the news that his son was in love again.

He had experienced so many heart aches as a child. So many girls and women made him cry that the mother didn’t think anyone could heal his broken heart. She had seen him crumble in his own sorrow. Nothing cured his brokenness, except for his love of music. And perhaps…

“Jiyong loved me so much umma.” Seunghyun was crying at the phone now. “He was there at the lowest point in my life and he gave me another reason to live. I asked him to marry me and he said yes. He said yes umma.” The mother could hear sniffles at the other end. “I was so sorry then because I couldn’t give you grandchildren.”

“That’s okay my son…” Mrs. Choi spoke through the phone. She didn’t care if it was recorded or not. She wanted to let his son know that it was okay.

“I’ll always be the Seunghyun that you knew. I haven’t changed.” Seunghyun now wiped his tears. “Whatever you hear, whatever they tell you, you must never listen to them. Always believe in me.”

“Um.” Mrs. Choi answers.

“I just have to do something for Jiyong.” She hears the opening of a car door and a closing one soon after. “It will be painful for you and I wanted to let you know so that you’ll be ready.” She hears echoing footsteps in an alley. “Protect my sisters because they will be the ones who will be mostly affected by this.”

“Seunghyun?” the mother calls to the phone. “Seunghyun?”

 “I will disappear in a while; you won’t be able to contact me. But don’t worry, I’m alright” Seunghyun says. “Well, I’ve got to go now.”

There was silence and Mrs. Choi hears a chuckle. “I really miss your kimchi.” He laughs for the first time.

“I love you.”

Mrs. Choi hears a beep as Seunghyun hangs up the phone.

She looks at the concerned faces waiting for her. She doesn’t say a word but instead stands up and approaches Jiyong’s coffin. She lets a hand brush over the wood and the flowers that adorned it. She picks up the picture of Jiyong and looks at the eyes of the boy that was the cause of all this hurt, the reason for this all pain and the purpose of all the suffering that was about to come.

For this boy that her son loved…

“Thank you.” She mutters.

-=oOo=-

Seunghyun walks swiftly, his feet all too familiar with the uneven slope of the sidewalk, gutter and manholes. He buries his face on his black hoodie as his deep onyx eyes demonized his figure. It had been months since he had set foot here to watch and years since he had participated. But the feeling was not foreign to him. He had lived in this land before; he had thrived in this territory before.

He walks up to the club. One would think they would find hot coloured lights and neon cars exhibited out front but there was nothing there but street thugs and gangsters. No flashy jewellery, no expensive cigarettes, no fine liquor, no designer clothing. This was the roots, the origins – this was the underground.

To an outsider it was a scary place. Everyone looked like a criminal and just associating with them could harm your name for life. But Seunghyun knew these were good people. They may be what higher society considers as undesirables but Seunghyun never thought of them like that. These people, this way of life was one that cultured freedom and individuality. That has always been his life’s meaning - bringing down everyone’s image of the stereotype, always showing something new, something fresh, something unexpected.

He walks up to the entrance in the alley, not minding the curious stares from the people hanging around in the streets. From the outside, you would not think that something loud and rowdy was happening at the other side of the wall. However, Seunghyun’s senses were in an all-time high tonight and he caught the rhythms reverberating from the concrete.

“What crew?” the doorkeeper asks him, squinting for a clearer view of his face. Seunghyun mentions a name from Nuthang, someone who was formidable in this area.  The little man fidgets as Seunghyun’s deep voice sent shivers down his spine. He recognized it but couldn’t grasp right away who it belonged to. He opens the door and lets Seunghyun in.

Seunghyun approaches the host’s table, lists his name in a random slot and drops paper money beside his name. 

Seunghyun stands in the corner, immersing himself in the beats as the freestyle rap battle progresses.

This was the core of hip-hop. You would find no sugar coated words here. This music was really not for the faint hearted. Only the strong willed survive.

The crowd goes wild and it makes him look up. It looks like a winner for this round was chosen.

“We have a new challenger for tonight!” The host reads the paper handed to him. “Throw your hands up fr Tempo!”

Seunghyun walks up the stage and people start to get curious about the mysterious hooded figure. Some recognized his name from before debut and some recognized his stature. They whisper.

“Yo, yo, yo, check it out.” He breaths into the mic.

“T.O.P.?!” a random girl shrieks when she recognized the deep voice.

The crowd stops and silences. Even the DJ paused, leaving the record to spin by itself.

When the beat resumes, Seunghyun starts off with another one of his cocky self-introductions. It was so boastful and conceited that it was bound to be banned for being damaging to the national psyche - like some of the GD&TOP songs. He didn’t bash on his opponent but instead kept attacking himself - his way of dancing, his ‘rainbow’ hair and even his acting skills. It was entertaining and witty, not so much as hard core and gangster as others would expect.

When the host signalled for the time, he ceremoniously lifted his hood to reveal his face to the crowd and ended the act with a big finish, finally introducing himself as the ladies’ man - TOP.

Like a true performer, Seunghyun sent the audience in a big uproar. These people who were into underground hip-hop often looked down upon idols like him, whose music had gone preppy and soft for their taste. But being in Bigbang had its benefits – no one could deny the power of his celebrity status.

“Whoa! Whoa!” The host was genuinely surprised. “I didn’t know we had a celebrity in the house!”

There was another loud cheer from the ladies. Some men were hissing their dissatisfaction. After all, they went to these places because they were tired of seeing these idols in the streets all the time. Seunghyun couldn’t blame them.

“Hey man, sorry about your boy GD.” The host gives him a pound hug. The accident was still fresh from everyone’s mind. “You know this battle’s dedicated to him man.” He pointed at the banner decorating the DJ’s booth. There was a cross and a dragon twisted around it.

“Can I say a few words?” Seunghyun whispers to the mic.

The host gladly lets him, seeing the video cameras the audience was taking. Whatever tonic Seunghyun drank that made him come here, he wouldn’t care. A little promotion of his club couldn’t hurt.

“A moment of silence…for the fallen.” Seunghyun uses his almost rumbling, deep voice to capture the attention of the crowd. He signals at the DJ for a beat. “This is my benediction…” the heavy base filled the room. “…for the dragon that parted the clouds.” He looks up the ceiling and closes his eyes. “Back to heaven where you belong.” He blows a kiss to the sky. “For my one, my love, my Jiyong… Sleep tight my baby...”

“…this song is for you.”

TBC

A/N: I'm kind of unsure of this chapter. I think it has the potential to be the weakest one I've written. I'm not really satisifed. What do you think?