Sehun was sick and tired of hearing the doctors say that Baekhyun was going to be “okay” and everything would go back to “normal”. He didn’t trust doctors. Not anymore. Not after what happened to Luhan.

            Sehun was beginning to think that doctors were also trained in professional lying as part of their studies. The last time he had seen Luhan, blood had been pouring out of his nose, and he had been unconscious. Now the doctors were saying that after the surgery, he was going to be “just fine” and they had “nothing to worry about”.

            Sehun wanted to smack all of those stupid doctors.

            Luhan wasn’t going to be okay. And they all knew it. The doctors just wouldn’t admit it. The rest of the members, who had come later in the vans, all stared at the ground, knowing that it would be harder to maintain their composure if they looked up to see the pain etched clearly in each others’ faces.

Sehun squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block everything out. He clutched the piece of paper Joonmyun had given him with both of his hands. He had only read it once, and he couldn’t bring himself to read the words that Luhan had lovingly wrote again. It was too soon.

To my beautiful Sehunnie,

            Sehun-ah, hyung is so sorry for doing this to you. All of this is my fault, and if you’re blaming yourself for anything, stop. It’s not your fault, Sehun-ah. You never did anything wrong.

            I was selfish, Sehun-ah, and I’m sorry that I hurt you in my selfishness.

            I didn’t know how to tell you this, but I have brain cancer. I’ve had it since I was born. So I grew up distancing myself from other people. I knew that if anyone ever became attached to me, it would cause more pain for them than it would for me.

            I never let myself get attached to people, and I pushed people away, because I wasn’t selfish then.

            Then I met you.

            And everything changed, Sehun-ah.

            I didn’t think I would ever find true love; I was so sure that I would die before that.

            You changed everything in my life, Sehun-ah. You became my everything. You were all I thought about, all I cared about.

            You asked me before about my ex-girlfriend. I told you then that I ended it with her when I became a trainee. That was a lie. I couldn’t tell you the truth at the time, but I can now. My ex-girlfriend was also a brain cancer patient. We were in the same hospital in Beijing, and she was my best friend. We both thought that we were going to die, so we would spend hours talking about what if’s. What if we didn’t have brain cancer. What if we had the rest of our lives to live. What if, what if, what if. And I always thought, even if I had my whole life to live, I wouldn’t have anything  to live for.

            When she died, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. And by some miracle, my surgery was successful and my tumor removed. I lived, and she died. It wasn’t fair.

            I spent weeks sitting in my room, by myself. I had no idea what to do with my life. I had been so sure that I wouldn’t survive. I hadn’t thought about my future at all.

            The fact that I ended up becoming a foreign exchange student at YonseiUniversitywas total chance. My parents decided that it was a good idea for me to get away from the place I had been sick in, so they sent me to Seoul.

            I thought it was crazy, but for some reason, I had a good feeling about it. Like I would gain something from it. So I agreed to go.

           And I did gain something from it. I was recruited by S.M. Entertainment. And that’s how I met you, Sehun-ah.

            And you became what I lived for.

            You are the reason I understand what love and friendship are. Seeing you happy was all I wanted.

            But I became selfish. I started to care about how I felt. I couldn’t stay away from you, so I didn’t. I let myself become attached. I let you become attached. And that was selfish of me. I’m so sorry, Sehun-ah.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that I was a former brain cancer patient. I was afraid that you would draw away from me. So I kept quiet.

            Which was why I was so panicked when I started getting headaches again. I would vomit in the mornings and have headaches all day, and I knew what had happened. The tumor was back, and there was nothing I or anyone could do about it.

            But the thing is, I’m not scared for myself. All I can think about is: What will Sehunnie do now? Will he move on? Will he forget me? Am I as important to him as he is to me?

            I couldn’t bear to keep up the normal pretense and continue our relationship. That’s where the hotel room comes in. And I can’t apologize enough for that. It was thoughtless and cruel, and I deserve this tumor for doing that to you. I wanted to make you hate me. Maybe you wouldn’t hurt so much if you hated me.

            I’m running out of paper, Sehun-ah, so only a couple more things.

            Thank you, Sehun-ah. I owe you my life. You are the reason I wake up every morning. You are all I think about. You made my life complete*. I don’t know what I would have done without you. You gave me a purpose, something to live for. You are my everything**, Sehun-ah. I love you. Forever.

            If I die, be happy, Sehun-ah, that’s all hyung wants. Don’t mourn me for too long. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it.

            I love you, Sehun-ah. I love you. I love you so much, I can’t even tell you how much. I love you. I love you. I love you.

            Don’t forget hyung, Sehun-ah. I’m sorry, and I love you.***

                                                                                                            Love,

Luhan hyung

            Joonmyun had been there to hand Sehun a tissue, not saying a word. Sehun buried his face in Joonmyun’s chest, sobbing his eyes out. It was like something had broken inside of him, something irreplaceable.

            You are my everything**, Luhan. Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.

            I don’t know what to do without you, hyung.

            What am I supposed to do now?

            You are my life, hyung. Don’t go.

            I love you, hyung.

            I love you.

            I love you.

            Forever.****

            “Had he been showing any symptoms before this happened?”

            The idiot doctors were back, and were now questioning Wu Fan.

            “He had headaches, but we all had headaches. And if there were any other symptoms, he hid them from us.”

            Wu Fan looked like he was about to cry. Wu Fan, who never cried. Never.

            The doctors questioned all of the M members, poking and prodding for information.

            Sehun hated them for how rude and inconsiderate they were. He was relieved when they left, glad to see them go. One of the doctors paused before exiting the door, and said, “The patient will enter surgery shortly. I advise all of you to go home for now. The surgery will be to attempt to remove the tumor, or at least observe it. It won’t be over for hours.”

            The members were all silent at this. None of them made any move to leave.

            Joonmyun eventually was able to pull himself together to tell them that they should go home. It wasn’t doing any good to anyone if they stayed in the hospital. The other members reluctantly agreed, but Sehun didn’t want to go anywhere.

            “I’ll stay and wait, Joonmyun hyung.”

            “Sehun-ah, the surgery won’t be over for hours. Don’t stay here and torture yourself like this.”

            “I’ll be fine, hyung.”

            “How about we go buy Luhan a get-well present?”

            Joonmyun and Sehun were starting to sound like a patient father and a disagreeable son.

            “Sehun-ah, don’t do this to yourself. Come home with us.”

            The concern in Joonmyun’s voice tugged at Sehun’s heart. If that heart even existed anymore.

            Sehun eventually allowed himself to be half led, half dragged from the hospital. Jongin loaded him into the car, even buckling the seatbelt for the younger. Sehun stared out the window with blank, unseeing eyes.

            If it had been any other time, Jongin would have made fun of Sehun for acting like a zombie, but not this time. Not now.

            It wasn’t funny anymore.

            When they arrived back home, Kyungsoo made a beeline for the kitchen. Whenever something bad happened, he always shut himself in the kitchen and cooked.

            Sehun went into his room and curled up on his bed. But this time, Joonmyun was occupying the other bed.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            “Yes, hyung?”

            “Do you want to talk about anything?”

            Sehun was silent. Joonmyun looked at him sideways, out of the corner of his eye.

            “Spit it out.”

            “Would this have been preventable if we knew about it earlier? If we took him to the hospital earlier?”

            “I asked the doctor about that, and he said that there wouldn’t have been much difference, if any, because Luhan’s had this since birth. There was nothing we could do. There is nothing we can do. Except hope.”

            Sehun nodded and pulled his knees to his chest.

            “Is that all? Because it sure doesn’t seem like it.”

            “What am I supposed to do now, hyung? What if Luhan doesn’t make it?”

            “Don’t think like that, Sehun-ah. Luhan will make it. He’s not leaving us anytime soon. How could he? He has to come back for you.”

            Come back for me?

            The thought warmed Sehun, despite everything that had happened.

            “Hyung? When will know the results of the surgery?”

            “By tomorrow morning.”

            The door opened, and Kyungsoo stuck his head inside.

            “If you want pasta, come get it before the rest of them eat it all.”

            Joonmyun jumped out of bed and ran into the kitchen. Pasta was his favorite. Especially Kyungsoo’s pasta.

            Sehun was slower to get out of bed. He lay there for a good ten minutes before realizing that Kyungsoo was still standing in the doorway.

            “Kyungsoo hyung? Why are you still here?”

            “Making sure you don’t, like, slit your wrists or something.”

            “What.”

            “It could happen you know!”

            “Um…all right then…”

            They were silent.

            “Hyung, are you going to wait until I actually get out of bed?”

            “Something like that.”

            Sehun couldn’t help but laughing. Kyungsoo was possibly his dorkiest hyung. Then he remembered Luhan in the hospital. And the smile fell off of his face.

            Kyungsoo eventually came to drag Sehun out of bed. Sehun fussed and resisted, but in the end, he let his hyung baby him.

            “Okay, Sehun-ah. This is what we’re going to do. I’m going to go grocery shopping. You’re coming with me. You need to get outside. Okay? Okay.”

            “But I don’t want to go grocery shopping.”

            “I don’t care, you’re still coming.”

            Sehun groaned, but he knew that there was no use arguing with Kyungsoo.

            He opened his closet doors and grabbed a jacket at random. He shrugged it on, and slid his hands into the pockets.

            There was something in his left pocket.

            Sehun didn’t know what it was, but whatever it was, it wasn’t very big. He knew Kyungsoo was waiting for him, but he took his time to check what it was.

            It was a picture, of all things.

            A picture of Luhan and Sehun.

            Sehun remembered taking this picture. It was one of their ridiculous photo booth pictures. They were looking at each other, with crazy big smiles on their faces, the camera all but forgotten.

            Sehun turned the picture in his hand and saw the date scribbled on the back of it. It had been taken more than two years ago.

            Somehow, in his subconscious, he knew that the date was the first day they had gone to get bubble tea together. Sehun remembered how he had asked Luhan to get his jacket for him, and how Luhan had taken a little longer than it would normally.

            So this was why Luhan had taken a little longer. He had taken those couple seconds to slip a picture into Sehun’s pocket. A picture that Sehun hadn’t seen until now.

            The date wasn’t the only thing written on the back of the photo. In Luhan’s impeccable handwriting,

            You’re so dumb, Sehun-ah. You can’t see what’s in front of you.

            Sehun squeezed his eyes shut.

            I can see it now, hyung.

            He just hoped it wasn’t too late.

*Complete by SNSD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re48VT5cVfk

**My Everything by CSJH the Grace

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSuOWnXVKE8

***Lies by Big Bang

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cv3phvP8Ro

****Forever by SNSD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbCi2tEOAaw

You Are The One by Super Junior

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-1GtgR45S4

A/N: DID YOU GUYS ALL SEE THE EXO FANCAMS AT INCHEON AIRPORT/LAX?!!? 

and all those people going to SMTown this weekend - I'M SO JEALOUS ASDLKFJA;SDLKJASFK >:| 

make sure to greet Kris with "AYO WADDUP KREASE"

kthanks :"D

thanks for reading!!

DERP SQUAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha :D

also, if the plot confuses you, or you just want to talk, my tumblr is http://kpop-exotic.tumblr.com/ :)))

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