Sehun wanted the doctors to shut up.

            It was a miracle, they said. The surgery had been totally unexpected, and it was just a miracle.

            Shut up.

            Sehun was sitting in the waiting room, along with s and their managers. He knew he was pouting, but he didn’t care. Yixing rested his head on the younger’s shoulder, trying not to fall asleep.

            Minseok and Tao were already sleeping.

            And the doctor was still talking.

            Shut up.

            After what seemed like hours, but was apparently actually only thirty minutes, the doctor finally paused to take a breath.

            Sehun immediately sat up, almost knocking Yixing to the floor. He steadied the elder, and looked to Joonmyun.  Joonmyun was still crying, his cheeks wet with tears.

            “What was he saying?”

            Joonmyun looked at him.

            “You weren’t listening?”

            “No.”

            Joonmyun was silent.

            “You can go see him.” Sehun’s head snapped up. The doctor was looking at him, with what looked like compassion in his eyes.

            “I can?”

            “Technically no. But yes.”

            Sehun jumped up and threw his arms around the doctor before racing down the hallway to Luhan’s room. Everyone else was right on his heels.

            “Try not to wake him up!” was the only thing the doctor said.

            Luhan was sleeping. One side of his head was wrapped with gauze, covering the new incision. Sehun knelt down next to the bed, reaching out to Luhan’s hand.

            Sehun didn’t remember falling asleep, just waking up back in his room at the dorm. For a moment, he was disoriented. It had been a while since he woke up in his dorm room. He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, trying to remember what had happened. He looked over to see Joonmyun curled up in his blankets. Sehun thought the elder was sleeping, but he saw that the leader’s eyes were wide open, the skin around them puffy and red.

            “Hyung?”

            Joonmyun started, and twisted around on his bed to face Sehun. The bags under his eyes were even more pronounced then they had been the last couple of days. Sehun guessed that Joonmyun hadn’t been sleeping at all.

            So Sehun climbed into bed next to Joonmyun. Joonmyun was like an older brother to Sehun, even more so now than before. They curled up in the covers together, watching their tears splash onto the blankets, leaving little wet circles.

            “You’re lucky, you know.”

            Sehun looked up to see Joonmyun looking sadly at him.

            “What?”

            “You’re lucky.”

            “Why?”

            “He loves you.”

            Sehun thought about how Joonmyun had said that for Luhan, it had been love at first sight. Sehun had brushed it off, thinking it to be something the company had set him up to do. Now, he realized that it wasn’t. Joonmyun hadn’t been making it up. Sehun thought about how supportive Joonmyun had been in their relationship, and also how he had given Sehun the ticket to Beijing. He wondered how much Joonmyun loved Luhan, and couldn’t even start to understand it. Joonmyun loved Luhan enough that it was enough to see him happy, even if they weren’t together.

            Sehun wondered if he loved anyone like that.

            They fell asleep again, together in Joonmyun’s bed, until Chanyeol came in and poked them awake, like he did every once in a while. It was Sehun’s second favorite way to wake up, after Luhan’s kisses. But Sehun still hated waking up.

            Poke. Poke. Poke.

            “Ughhhasdldmmfmmfmfffff.”

            Poke. Poke. Poke.

            “mmmmgettinup”

            Poke. Poke. Poke.

            “All right, all right! I’m up!”

            Chanyeol laughed at Sehun, poking him some more for the fun of it.

            Joonmyun was still dead to the world.

            “Why don’t you poke Joonmyun hyung awake?” Sehun grumbled.

            “I don’t need to.”

            “What are you talking about.”

            Chanyeol cleared his throat.

            “Joonmyun hyung! Kyungsoo’s cooking!”

            Joonmyun opened his eyes and swung his legs out of bed. Sehun watched as the elder left the room, fueled by his love for Kyungsoo’s cooking.

            “See?” Chanyeol looked pretty proud.

            Sehun smiled. His cheek muscles felt stiff, unused.

            Chanyeol poked his cheeks.

            “You look like you’re in pain or something. Smiling isn’t that hard!”

            “Easy for you to say.”

           Sehun hadn’t meant for it to sound spiteful, but Chanyeol looked hurt. Sehun opened his mouth to apologize, or at least explain what he meant, because Chanyeol smiled so easily and Sehun didn’t know how and the bottom line was that Sehun was jealous.

            He never got out a word. Chanyeol pulled him into a hug, crushing the younger into his chest. The force of impact knocked the air out of Sehun’s lungs, but he hugged back, knowing that Chanyeol’s intentions were good.

            Chanyeol mussed Sehun’s hair affectionately and got up.

            “Come on, let’s get something to eat before Minseok and Joonmyun eat it all.”

            Sehun smiled again. This time a real smile.

            The smile was gone by the time Sehun got to the hospital that morning. He went alone, because he didn’t want the other members to see him break down like he knew he would.

            The papers in the manila folder hadn’t told him much about Luhan’s current condition; it was mostly about what had happened during the surgery.

            It said that Luhan had died during the process. His heart had stopped beating and the heart rate monitor had been a flatline.

            Sehun cringed inwardly whenever he though about it.

            Luckily, very luckily, the surgeons had worked quickly without panicking, and had managed to revive Luhan in less than a minute. Luhan had only been dead for about forty seconds, but he had been dead.

            His heart had stopped beating. The heart that Sehun begged and pleaded with many times to not stop had stopped.

            Sehun felt tears roll down his cheeks, but he made no move to wipe them.

            Inside the hospital room, it was as white and sterile as ever. Luhan was barely any color; it was like he was bleeding into the other objects. The blankets covered Luhan from toe to neck, even his arms weren’t showing. His face was peaceful enough, but there was a slight wrinkle in between his eyebrows that made him look stressed, even while sleeping. Sehun sat in the chair next to the bed, where he had spent countless nights, wishing and hoping with everything he had for Luhan to get better.

            Luhan shifted in his sleep, the wrinkles in his forehead deepening. Sehun wanted to reach out and smooth the wrinkles away, but he didn’t want to risk waking him up. So he watched Luhan toss and turn in his sleep, wishing that there was something he could do.

            Luhan sat up in bed, startling Sehun. The elder’s eyes were wide and panicked, full of fear. He was facing Sehun, but it didn’t seem like it was Sehun he saw. Sehun put a hand on Luhan’s shoulder, unsure of what was happening.

            Luhan clawed at Sehun’s hand desperately, closing his eyes.

            “Sehun-ah? Sehun-ah?”

            “I’m here, hyung. It’s okay. I’m here.” Sehun fought to keep his voice steady.

            “Sehun-ah, I had a dream. I had a dream about you, Sehun-ah. I thought you were gone. I thought you left me, Sehun-ah. You wouldn’t do that, would you? You wouldn’t leave me, Sehun-ah, right? Sehun-ah, you would leave me here, right? Sehun-ah?”

           Luhan was talking too fast, and his eyes, which were now open, were unfocused. Sehun wanted to calm him, reassure him.

            “Hyung, what are you talking about? I would never leave you, hyung. Never, and I promise that. Hyung, it’s okay, calm down.”

            Sehun was talking too fast too, but he couldn’t stop the words from spilling out of his mouth.

            Luhan fell back on the bed, breathing hard. Sehun entwined their fingers together, trying to calm the elder.

            Luhan looked sad.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            “Yes, hyung?”

            “I had a dream about you.”

            “I know, hyung. You told me.”

            “No no no. I had a dream about you before I went into surgery.”

            Sehun remembered how he had thought that Luhan was having a good dream before the surgery.

            “You did?”

            Luhan tugged on Sehun’s arm, so Sehun slid into the bed next to Luhan. Luhan curled up next to Sehun, pressing his face into the younger’s chest.

            “What happened in your dream, hyung?”

            Luhan lifted his head, meeting Sehun’s eyes.

            “We were together, and I wasn’t sick.”

            That was all Sehun could get out of him, but he knew that there had been more to the dream. But Luhan wouldn’t say any more, so Sehun decided to leave it.

            They lay there for a while in silence, Sehun absentmindedly Luhan’s thin hand.

            “Hyung?”

            “Hm?”

            “What do you feel during your surgeries?”

            Luhan was silent. Then, “Nothing, really. It’s like sleeping.”

            “So you don’t remember anything?”

            “No, I just remember what happened before the anesthesia kicked in.”

            So Luhan didn’t know that his heart had stopped for forty seconds.

            “Hyung?”

            “Yes, Sehun-ah?”

            “Do you know what happened during the last surgery?”

            Luhan’s brow furrowed.

            “No, what happened?”

            “Your…heart stopped.”

            “What?”

            “For forty seconds.”

            Luhan stared at Sehun, uncomprehending.

            “But…I’m here now.”

            “I know. The doctors were able to revive you.”

            Luhan’s eyes were huge.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            “Yes, hyung?”

            “I know why I came back.”

            Sehun was confused.
            “Why, hyung?”

            “Because I didn’t want you to be sad.”

            “Hyung–“

            “In my dream before I went into surgery, I–we–were together on a mountain. I think we were hiking or on a picnic, but either way, we were really high up. The view was really pretty, and we were sitting in the grass, looking out over the edge. At least, I was looking out over the edge. When I turned to look at you, you weren’t looking at the view. You were looking at me. And when I asked you why, you said that you were afraid that I might leave, so you had to keep a close watch on me. And I told you that I would always come back for you. And I did. I came back. For you.”

            When Sehun left the hospital, it was very unwillingly. Joonmyun almost had to drag him out the door to prepare for the music show that day.

            “But I don’t want to go.”        

            “At least we can still perform. The M members on hiatus until who knows when.”

            “But Luhan.”

            “I know, Sehun-ah. I know.” Joonmyun looked so tired that Sehun couldn’t refuse anymore.         

            “Okay, okay. I’m coming.”

            Sehun kissed sleeping Luhan on his forehead and made sure the blankets were covering him. Then he closed the door, quietly, so he wouldn’t disturb Luhan.

           Joonmyun led Sehun into the waiting van. The rest of the members were still sleeping, so it was eerily quiet.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            “Yes, hyung?”

            “Did you read everything in the folder?”

            Sehun thought back to the folder that Joonmyun had given him.

            “No.”

            Joonmyun looked over at him.

            “It said that the spread of the carcinogenic cells was slowing down.”

            Sehun stared at him.

            “Really?”

            Joonmyun nodded.

            Sehun paused, then, “How much did it slow down?”

            “Enough to make it significant to Luhan’s condition.”

            Sehun felt his lips turn up into a smile. Joonmyun looked glad to see Sehun smile, but said, “Don’t put to much hope into it, Sehun-ah.”

            Sehun tried not to.

            After the music program, Sehun, with the rest of the K members, went back to the hospital to bring Luhan a couple (dozen) presents from the fans. They entered the waiting room to greet the nurse, and then rushed down the hallway to Luhan’s room.

            Sehun opened the door and peeked inside.

            The room was empty.

            “Luhan hyung?”

A/N: EXO-M went back to China 

/SOBBING

thanks for reading!!