After visiting China, Sehun had become more withdrawn and quiet. He rarely laughed and made jokes with the other members, but they didn’t make a big deal about it and gave him some space. Sehun spent most of his time curled up in bed clutching his pillow, staring at the wall with blank, unseeing eyes. Joonmyun’s bed stayed empty for weeks, and even though Sehun was lonely, he didn’t want the elder to come back. He didn’t know how to act “normal” anymore, and he didn’t want things to get awkward.

            Whenever there was a camera around, Sehun managed to plaster smiles on his face. He hoped that the smiles didn’t look as fake as they felt.

            When he visited his family, his mother and father and sister all asked what had happened. Sehun had broken out into a cold sweat when they noticed that something was wrong, but he successfully was able to convince them that it was just because he hadn’t been sleeping well.

            And that part was true. He hadn’t been sleeping well.

            Every time he was able to slip away into the black unconsciousness, his dreams took him back to the times when he was happiest.

            And Sehun’s happiest times weren’t something that was easy for him to remember. He could barely tolerate the pain of seeing Luhan. Hugging him. Kissing him. And most of all, hearing him say ‘I love you, Sehun-ah’.

            Sehun couldn’t deal with any form affection aimed toward him anymore. He was becoming an emotionless shell.

            And the frightening thing was, he was okay with it. It was better than having to deal with an overload of emotion, which was the other option.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            For a second, Sehun let himself hope that it was Luhan. But he knew better than to keep hoping.

            “Jongin hyung.”

            “Are you ready?”

            “To what?”

            “To go to the airport.”

            Sehun’s forehead creased.

            “Why are we going to the airport?”

            Jongin hesitated.

            “EXO-M is coming back to Koreatoday, I’m thought I told you.”

            Now that Sehun thought about it, he did vaguely remember Jongin saying something last week about how they were coming back from China. He thought about going to the airport and seeing Luhan. The thought made him cringe and hope at the same time.

            Sehun sighed. Then he rolled out of bed.

            “Five minutes.”

            Jongin nodded and left the room.

            Sehun had always been a “five minutes” person. Five minutes were enough to do anything, if one put their mind to it.

            The only thing that five minutes wasn’t enough for was being with Luhan.

            Luhan.

            Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.

            When Sehun came out to the living room, pulling on a jacket, relief plainly showed on his hyungs’ faces. It had been a while since Sehun himself had made an effort to look presentable.

            The car ride to Incheon was mostly silent, broken only by requests to stop. Joonmyun sat next to Sehun, the former watching the latter carefully. Jongin kept giving Sehun food, which was odd, because Jongin was quite protective of his food.

            The airport was already packed with fans who were screaming their heads off. The members didn’t mind. The airport security did. Not that they said anything, but Joonmyun still apologized and thanked them on behalf of everyone.

            Sehun loved his leader. He was the reason they were able to do anything.

            The flight from Beijinghad been early, so the M members had already gotten off the plane and were finding their luggage. There were exclamations of welcome from most of EXO-K the moment they saw their friends. Sehun hung back a little, not wanting to make things awkward, but Zitao found him first.

            Sehun allowed Tao to hug him, knowing that he was sensitive.

            It was interesting how people were so different from their first impression. Take Tao. When Sehun had first met him, he had been a bit frightened by his strong appearance, but later found out that Tao was the real baby of the group. He was so sensitive and cried about everything. Sehun always felt a little older when they were together, because he had to act as the hyung. Luhan had looked so naïve and innocent, but had turned out to be somewhat heartless.

Sehun inwardly punched himself for thinking about Luhan.

            Wu Fan found him next, and no one said no to Wu Fan’s hugs. He barely gave them out as it was. So when Wu Fan pulled Sehun into an embrace, he did not resist. Wu Fan was solid and dependable as Joonmyun. They were natural leaders, for they had the ability to make others feel as if everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn’t.

            All of the members were standing together, exchanging hugs and talking. Sehun was surrounded by his hyungs, almost forgetting about Luhan.

            Almost forgetting.

            Almost.

            Sehun eventually looked up to catch sight of the heartbreakingly familiar blonde head bobbing between Yixing and Minseok. They were laughing together, and Luhan looked so carefree that Sehun felt his chest constrict.

            Luhan used to laugh like that when we were together.

           Sehun knew that he wouldn’t be able to face Luhan, so he tried to stay hidden behind Wu Fan and Chanyeol. Jongin looked at him a little strangely when he ducked behind them, but didn’t say anything. Jongdae must have pitied him a little, because he came over and started a conversation. Sehun had never been really close to him, but they had always been able to connect.

            Their managers eventually were able to get all of their attention long enough to herd them outside to get in the vans. Sehun stuck with Joonmyun, knowing that the elder would be smart enough to get in a van that Luhan wasn’t in.

            When they were outside, Joonmyun and Sehun climbed into a van that already had Baekhyun and Chanyeol in it. They were squeezed in the back, and Joonmyun somehow convinced Sehun that it was fair for the younger to sit in the third seat next to Baekhyun and Chanyeol while he, Joonmyun, took up an entire two seats.

            Sehun didn’t know why he agreed to that.

            Right before they were about to leave, one of their van doors opened.

            “Is there room in here? Our noonas were sitting in the other van and there wasn’t any room for me…”

            It was Luhan.

            Of course, Luhan would have let our noonas sit before he did. He’s always been like that.

            Luhan had always been well-mannered, one of the reasons he was so popular among females.

            Sehun liked how Luhan was well-mannered too.

            In his mind, Sehun banged his head on a wall. He needed to stop thinking about Luhan.

            Sehun tried not to look at the blonde head in front of him, but it was hard not to, especially when he knew that Luhan couldn’t see that he was looking at him.

            Luhan settled himself in the seat next to Joonmyun, greeting the latter brightly. He didn’t even look at Sehun.

            Sehun tried to swallow back the bitter feeling of disappointment. Baekhyun and Chanyeol must have noticed, because they started to try to engage him in conversation. Sehun let them talk about nothing, pretending to listen, and trying not to let his eyes wander to the back of Luhan’s head.

            Luhan and Joonmyun were talking quietly about something; their heads leaned in toward each other, almost touching. It wasn’t romantic, but it was definitely intimate. Sehun tried to ignore the wave of helpless jealousy, but failed to do so when Luhan leaned down to take something out of his backpack. He retrieved a folded piece of paper from the depths of the bag and handed it to Joonmyun, murmuring something that Sehun couldn’t hear. Joonmyun could though; he nodded and slipped the paper into his own bag.

            Baekhyun followed Sehun’s line of sight and also saw the exchange between Luhan and Joonmyun. He quickly nudged Chanyeol, who got the cue to distract Sehun, and fast. Sehun let them think that he was being distracted, even managing a laugh here and there.

            But inside, he felt hollow, like someone had opened him up and scooped his insides out. He wasn’t even jealous. Or angry. Or regretful.

            Just empty and hollow.

            Their managers decided to treat them by taking all twelve of them out to dinner. All guys. They somehow were able to convince the noonas that they wouldn’t do anything stupid and they would be just fine. The noonas left, still looking a little worried.

            They went to their dorm first to give the M members a chance to wash up a little. They dressed a little nicer than usual, because the restaurant they would be going to was a relatively fancy one.

            Joonmyun was ready when Sehun had just opened the closet door.

            “Sehun-ah, what’s wrong? Can’t pick anything to wear?”

            “Hm? No…it’s fine. I can just wear this.”

            Sehun held up a pair of jeans and a sweater.

            Joonmyun stared at him.

            “Sehun-ah, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but your jeans and sweater both have holes in them. I would advise picking something different.”

            Sehun flung himself on Joonmyun’s bed.

            “Okay fine. I know nothing about fashion and I don’t know how to dress myself to look nice. So help me?”

            As a response, Joonmyun flung open both closet doors and scrutinized the contents of the closet. He reached into it and somehow pulled out a pair of black, slightly loose skinny jeans. Then, he seemed to randomly pick a hanger that just happened to have a fitted black shirt with a light pink flannel over it.

            Sehun decided not to question Joonmyun’s fashion ability.

            Luhan had good fashion sense, too. We used to go shopping together.

            Sehun pushed the thought out of his mind and thanked Joonmyun. Joonmyun looked like he was trying not to laugh, but he was nice enough to not make fun of Sehun’s abysmal fashion. Which made Sehun forgive him about the car ride earlier where Joonmyun and Luhan had sat next to each other. And Luhan had given Joonmyun a piece of paper. And murmured words that only Joonmyun had been able to hear.

            Sehun took it back. He didn’t forgive Joonmyun entirely.

            Sehun was coming out of the bathroom, running a comb through his hair when he literally ran into someone. He stumbled back, a little jarred from the impact. He looked down to see Luhan on the ground, looking at him confusedly.

            “Sehun-ah?”

            A flood of memories came rushing back, almost blinding Sehun. All the times Luhan had looked at him with those bunny eyes and said “Sehun-ah” were running through his head like an endless tape. He remembered how Luhan had looked at him that night they first kissed. How Luhan had looked when he stepped through the gate to board the plane headed toward China. How Luhan had laughed. How Luhan had snuggled into Sehun’s chest. How Luhan’s lashes fluttered as he slept. How Luhan drank bubble tea.

            you, Luhan. Who gave you the right to do this to me?

            But Sehun knew: he hated Luhan only because he loved him.

            “Sorry,” Sehun choked out before sprinting back into his and Joonmyun’s room, leaving Luhan on the floor, staring after him.

            Sehun slammed the door shut behind him, willing himself not to cry.

            He cried anyway.

            Did you really expect me to get over you so quickly, Luhan hyung? Because if you did, then you were so wrong. I can’t get over you. How can I get over you, Luhan hyung? I can’t forget the past! The past isn’t something you can just forget, hyung, you should know that. The past isn’t the past but eternally present.

            So it brings me back to the beginning, hyung.

            How can I get over you?

            How can I…*

            After about five minutes, the tears weren’t letting up, and it didn’t help that Kyungsoo had come in the room to comfort Sehun. Sehun let Kyungsoo hug him like the mother he was, and tried to stop the tears.

            “Why did he do it, Kyungsoo hyung? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Did he find someone else? Do you know who it is? What was so BAD about our relationship that he just cut it off? HE DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME A ING REASON.”

            Sehun tried not to scream at Kyungsoo, but it happened anyway. It crossed his mind that the other members could probably hear him, but by now, he just didn’t care.

            Kyungsoo Sehun’s hair back from his forehead, trying to calm the boy. Because after all, that was what Sehun was. An 18 year old boy. Neither a child, nor an adult.

            “Sehun-ah, you can’t blame yourself for this. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise.”

            “Then WHY would he do this, hyung?”

            Kyungsoo didn’t have an answer to that.

            There was a knock on the door, and Chanyeol walked in.

            “Everybody else is already downstairs. The second Sehun ran into his room, Joonmyun hyung somehow got everyone out of the door. So you have Joonmyun hyung to thank, Sehun-ah.”

            Sehun couldn’t say anything, but he nodded.

            Chanyeol hesitated, and then came over and gave Sehun a hug.

            “Don’t blame yourself, okay?”

            Sehun didn’t respond to that.

            Kyungsoo somehow got Sehun back together on the elevator ride down to the parking lot. By the time the elevator arrived on the ground floor, Sehun had plastered a smile on his face and wiped the tears from his cheeks. If the other members noticed anything, they didn’t say anything. Jongin had been waiting for Sehun, and had saved a seat for him. Sehun slid in next to him gratefully.

            The dinner, for all the hype, was fairly uneventful, if one didn’t count Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s abnormally large consumption of bacon. And how Wu Fan kept on making lettuce wraps for Tao.

Sehun looked at how happy his hyungs looked, and tried to be happy too. Of course, he wasn’t looking at Luhan, so he didn’t see Luhan’s face.

            Afterward, when they were in the vans, most of the older members were trying to persuade their manager that they were “responsible” and “mature” enough to go clubbing.

            Jongin and Sehun were silent, because they were too young to go, but they didn’t want to say anything. Finally, Joonmyun noticed their silence, and suggested that they go back to the dorm and watch a movie as a group.

            Wu Fan only agreed because Tao said he was too scared to go clubbing.

            Back at the dorm, they opened their cabinet of movies and proceeded to choose which one to watch. It took a while, but they decided on a romantic one: A Moment To Remember, or The Eraser in My Head**.

            Sehun had never watched it before, but it was supposed to be this really sad love story. Minseok was sure that they would all be in tears by the end, but Sehun didn’t really believe him. He sat down on the floor, leaning against the couch. In the chaos where everyone was trying to fine a seat, Luhan, of all people, ended up next to him. Sehun wasn’t sure if it was an accident, or his hyungs had somehow gotten him there, but now there was absolutely no way Sehun would be able to concentrate on the movie.

            Throughout the movie, Sehun snuck glances at Luhan, pretending to be reaching for the popcorn. He wasn’t too terribly focused in the plot of the movie. When Luhan started crying, Sehun wanted to cry with him. Luhan was so heartbreakingly beautiful when he cried.

            I wonder if he cried like I did when he ended it…or even as half as much as me.

            At the end of the movie, every single one of them had gone through at least five tissues. Joonmyun had gone through at least fifteen. Minseok had been right. It was a hell of a sad movie.

            Sehun went to bed first, because Joonmyun and most of the other members were quite a mess after the movie. Sehun hadn’t known how much of a er Joonmyun was for romantic tragedies.

            He curled up on his bed, waiting for sleep to come. The sooner he got this day over with, the better.

            It’s really over between Luhan and me, isn’t it. It’s not coming back. Give up, Oh Sehun. It’s no use. Don’t let yourself hope.

            Sehun heard the door of his room open. Thinking it was Joonmyun, Sehun simply called out, “You can turn the light on if you want to, hyung. Don’t trip.”

            Joonmyun tripped a lot in the past because he didn’t want to disturb Sehun’s sleep by turning on the light.

            The light flicked on, but there were no footsteps going toward Joonmyun’s bed.

            Sehun twisted around in his bed, squinting in the light, trying to see who had turned the light on.

            “Sehun-ah?”

*How Can I: DBSK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fwAIt9lUpY

**The Eraser in My Head: starring Son Yejin and Jung Woosung

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Moment_to_Remember

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZxutTdYmRw (trailer)

A/N: 

DID EVERYONE WATCH EXO-M ON SHOW CHAMPION HOLY KRISUS IT WAS BEAUTIFUL /crys

anyway, thanks everyone for reading/commenting/subscribing!! :""D

and has anyone watched A Moment to Remember? (because I haven't lololol)

/adds to "things to do later" list

along with "feed tao strawberries" and "learn how to solve the rubix cube from luhan" and "laugh/derp with chanyeol" and etc.