Irresolution is the cause of great harm and regret.

Monday, December 30, 2019

What would you feel when in a blink of an eye, everything that you worked so hard to keep was taken away from you?

Till now, I don’t know of the feeling that was flowing throughout my body when Myungsoo cold-heartedly left me on the side of the road just to rescue our prodigal maknae. Everything seems to be foreign and this is my first time to encounter such kind of pain.

Is it really pain? No, it’s much more like torture. It torments my very soul and my whole being. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and the past two days seem to go in a blur as I keep myself in the confines of my room. Hoya and Dongwoo would ocassionally visit me bringing me food or anything that could cheer me up. Hyejin would also visit me, dragging with her the huge white bear that Sungjong used to own. That bear was discarded just like me. When Riku died, no one questions about the giant bear anymore but after Sungjong’s departure I stumbled upon the bear as I helped Myungsoo clean the things Sungjong left behind. The bear was hidden inside Sungjong’s closet soiled with blood. At first I have no idea what it was and it was the laundromat that told me about the blood. Fortunately, most of the it was removed and now Hyejin owned the bear because it was her only connection to Riku.

I quietly listen to the cacophonous sound of the waves as it harmonizes with the thunderclaps. Lightnings are cleaving they’re ways on the bruised sky.

I chuckle softly to myself, thinking that the weather is sympathizing with me. Two days ago, my feet were itching to leave this place. Leave Seoul and go to a faraway place to wallow on my misery. But because of the brewing storm, I was forbidden to leave. And I cursed the weather for that. But now, I appreciate it - I greatly appreciate the storm because it was weeping for me. For the days that I stayed in this room, the only thing that I have done was to cry and now my tears have dried up and the heavens are crying and weeping in my place.

I watched the lightning as it illuminates the sky for a matter of seconds only to vanished as if it never exists in the first place. And as the lightning strikes again, I see someone from the corner of my eyes.

Sungjong…

He is sitting on the railings of the balcony, leaning on the wall and not minding the rain and the wind as it pounded into him. He’s clad in a shirt - Myungsoo’s shirt- that is too big for him and pyjama pants. He is lost in his world as he plays with the ring that Myungsoo had given him - the one that I returned to him one year ago.

I don’t know what comes into me, but I cross the threshold of my room and barge into the balcony. Grabbing both of his shoulder, I yank him from his current position. Both of us crumple on the floor, drenched by the heavy rain. Sungjong is already shivering but it looks like that he doesn’t mind. The Sungjong that I know before would grumble but this Sungjong…he’s different, very different from the Sungjong that I used to spoiled and annoyed. This Sungjong is the one that was enslaved with the past that all of us wanted to runaway. This is not the Sungjong that would fight if he thinks the world is treating him unfairly, this person here is the Sungjong that was succumbed by fear and tragedy.

Woohyun-hyung is wrong, Sungjong had yet to move because this person was the empty shell of the maknae that we used to have and love before.

A strong urged to hug and comfort him comes into me but instead of hugging him into a comforting warmth, instead of sharing my warmth to him, I slapped him. I slapped him so hard that even my hands tingle from the impact of the slap. He did not react. He did not cry nor touch the forming bruise on his beautiful face. Sungjong just looked straight at me, eyes empty.

I expect to be slapped back, but no, Sungjong remains silent. I grab his shoulders again and dare to look in his eyes however the emptiness in his eyes are haunting me. I shiver not because of the cold but because of the look in Sungjong’s eyes. It is unsettling, as if you are looking in a unending pit, no light and just plain emptiness and darkness.

“If you want to die, don’t do it here.” I whisper to him as I press his shoulders stronger. I don’t mean to say those words. I really want to ask forgiveness, to say sorry to him but every time I see that look in his eyes, the opposite came out from my mouth. Maybe, I am still jealous of him, because every time I saw his damn eyes, it reminded me of Myungsoo and how much he wanted to bring our old maknae back. His eyes will always tell me, that it was the eyes that Myungsoo wants. That the being behind those empty eyes is the one that Myungsoo needs the most. And here I am, discarded like a damaged rag doll by Myungsoo so that he can be rescued. And just by looking in his eyes, I gained the courage to lie at him and to lie at myself that time - to tell him that Myungsoo didn’t need him anymore.

I know that with what I said earlier, I am adding more crack to our damaged relationship yet I can’t accept defeat. I can’t accept to be defeated by Sungjong.

Especially when Sungjong seems not to care anymore… for Myungsoo… for INFINITE. From the moment they returned here, Sungjong locked himself inside the room beside ours - mine and Myungsoo’s room - barring everyone except Sunggyu and Woohyun, maybe. His reclusive attitude shows that he does not need us any longer.

And if Sungjong wants to die that badly despite of L fretting over him and worshipping the ground he treads on, I don’t care. I won’t ask forgiveness from I what I did before. Because he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to be rescued if he want to die in the first place. His actions disgust me that I just want to kill him with my own hands. And this time I will surely fight for Myungsoo.

However, there’s still the unanswered why’s in my mind.

Why does he need to seek for our attention?

Why does he need to go back here in South Korea?

Why does he need to wait for everything of this to happen?

Why does he need to enter our life again and ruin my relationship with Myungsoo?

Sungjong gently removes my hand from his shoulders and hold it with his cold and clammy ones.

Our maknae whispers something before he walk away from me… away from the balcony that connects our room. I can hear him locking the balcony’s door from inside his room but what I hear loudly is his soft weeping and his last words playing on repeat on my brain.

I slump on the floor as I slowly open my hands. I didn’t realize that I held it close after Sungjong left. In my hand was ring - the one that he was playing with earlier. The engagement ring that Myungsoo had given him. I look at the ring, as my tears combine with the droplets of rain that was falling from the weeping sky.

“Hyung, please continue on loving Myungsoo. Please don’t give up on him.”

Why? Why, Lee Sungjong? Why do you need to play with our hearts again?

Hello there!

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*Rhay is signing off to go to school*

Byebye....<3<3<3