Chapter 26
The Ambiguity Of Selfishness
Baekhyun was going to regret this. He could already see himself facepalming or getting his skin scared off him again. As soon as his boss announced two days off for the entire clinic in honor of the upcoming autumn festival, an idea popped into Baekhyun’s head.
And it was a really good bad idea.
‘Good’ in the sense that he could help out his probably-experimented-on antisocial government agent of a client by helping his social skills, which would also help his and his guardee’s relationship… and bad in every other sense.
Whenever Baekhyun got a day off, he would use it for himself, a necessary time to just recharge his own social battery, spend time with his family, or maybe even grab a hangout since Dr. Sang was giving them the Monday after the weekend as well as the Friday that the actual autumn festival day landed on…
But no, because Baekhyun was too good at his job.
He sighed. He had a chance of getting some relaxation time at least—if Jongdae didn’t show up until after the autumn festival or was on duty the day of—but otherwise Baekhyun was going to follow through with his idea of spending his day off showing normal socialization to a man who can grow claws out of his fingers.
“Yoo hoo, earth to Dr. Byun.”
He jumped a little at Yveil’s voice, ducking his head back to his paperwork at her sly smile.
“Already planning how to spend your day off, aren’t we?”
“Well, you’re not wrong.”
“I knew it! And how’re you going to be surprising your sweet and salty man?”
Baekhyun groaned at that nickname. Ever since Yeol surprised him at his workplace with a bag of gummy bears and chips, all his coworkers had dubbed the bodyguard as the ‘sweet and salty man.’ Specifically, Baekhyun’s sweet and salty man, and the little kick in his heart whenever he heard the name equally excited and unnerved him.
“Yveil, he’s just a friend.”
“For now, you mean. Would you like some help? I know a couple of great date planners.”
He groaned again as she and Ryeowook both crowded towards him. Reflections Counseling’s infamous receptionists tag team duo never failed to embarrass the anti-romantic out of him.
“I don’t even know his orientation. For all I know, he could just be looking for a friend.”
“Friends don’t look at friends the way that he was looking at you,” Ryeowook said with a nod. “He’s interested in something more.”
“And I can tell that you are toooo,” Yveil sang.
He waved the paperwork into their faces so that his own blushing face was unseen.
“I’m—”
“Busy.”
“Unavailable.”
“I don’t want to promise something and then be unable to commit.”
He gave the two receptionists a glare for shoving his own words back at him.
“We’ve heard all the excuses before, Baekhyun. Just consider it. Ask him for something casual and see how it goes.”
Baekhyun sighed. He has considered it, and he came to the conclusion that now wasn’t the time. With Jongdae dropping in on his life whenever-the--when, he didn’t have the time to fully invest in a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to Yeol. Simple as that.
“What’re we talking about?” Dongsung asked, coming out of the offices.
“Baekhyun’s sweet and salty man.”
“Ooh! Is Baekhyun finally asking him out?”
“No, he’s too on the fence.”
“What! I am not!”
“Aw man. Well, Baekhyun, if you’re unsure about it, then I know three professionals who can help you out with your problem.”
“I don’t need help! Look, he’s a good guy, but I don’t have time and neither does he. He’s a freaking bodyguard. Always on call and always on duty.”
“That one day he came here didn’t look so ‘on call’ to me.”
“That—was an exception… I’m done talking about this!”
He shoved the paperwork to Dongsung and escaped to his office, groaning again at the trails of their snickers. Yveil’s words echoed in his head, and it didn’t help that he was kinda listening to them either.
He and Yeol have been on casual hangouts, texted casually, and he liked the atmosphere they had. Looking back, he could see that he could’ve come off as a little flirty, but Yeol acted flirty and teasing right back. They didn’t talk about relationship boundaries because their time together was too short, too sparse. The only boundary they discussed was when Yeol asked if he could hug Baekhyun and then that kiss to his temple…
Baekhyun made a small squeal at the thought of it again, then sighed. Just a little bit—he liked the idea of having Yeol at his side.
But what he said to Yveil and Ryeowook was also true, and he had a duty to uphold as a counselor. Socializing Jongdae was an important step in his and Xiumin’s relationship in his professional opinion. If the antihuman government agent saw the more mundane and not-necessarily-threatening sides of society, the man might be able to understand certain sensitivities about people and their feelings. Even better, he might learn that it was okay to ask his guardee questions and feel like he can rely on him.
Besides, Baekhyun couldn’t imagine inviting Yeol to his condo and then Jongdae popping in without notice and then him having to explain to his client and his bodyguard friend why the other was in his house.
Actually, he could imagine it, which was another reason that he couldn’t pursue Yeol even if he wanted to.
Sighing again, Baekhyun started checking a few of his notes and digitizing them under their corresponding file. He was on a roll when a tap to his window broke his concentration. Only shrubs grew near his window, and his office was tucked in a corner and probably not attractive to birds, but a feather pasted against the glass. Baekhyun could’ve attributed it to the wind, but when he glanced up again, he found it in the same place. Maybe it got stuck by the tips.
Shrugging, he finished scanning the paper notes and adding any afterthoughts. He looked out the window and saw that the feather was still there. Approaching, Baekhyun saw that it was brownish orange with white flecks and about the size of his palm. He tapped it just because and jumped when the thing pulled back and hit the glass again. Okay, that was a little weird.
A knock behind him made him jump again, and he sighed at his skittishness. He needed the weekend to come faster. Baekhyun waved his boss to come in from the doorway, and Dr. Sang twirled inside, gracefully ending at one of the client chairs and sitting.
“Dr. Byun, I have a dilemma. One of my dear coworkers is constantly teased by my other coworkers to make a move on their person of interest. I want to help, but I’m not sure what to do that won’t seem like I’m on either side.”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes and chuckled. Dr. Sang was easy-going and had his own way of doing things. When Baekhyun landed his interview, the doctor had only one question: who had Baekhyun seen hurt? Not ‘what led you to this office?’ or ‘Why a counseling job?’. He also had Baekhyun pitch his ideal romantic date once he hired him because he wanted it on file. Strange, but he was a genuine man.
“It’s fine if you did pick a ‘side,’ but my answer’s going to be the same.”
“Ah, but Baekhyun, remember one of the first rules I taught you when I hired you?”
“‘Don’t hesitate to become a client myself.’ I know, but I already made my decision. Yeol and I are friends, and that’s good enough.”
“For how long?”
“Indefinitely.”
“Baekhyun, you and I both know that humans are not creatures of eternity. That’s why showing emotions and love is even more precious.” The doctor’s eyebrows quipped up as he smiled. “Is it perhaps because your reason isn’t so clear-cut?”
Baekhyun groaned at his knowing smirk. Dr. Sang had an uncanny ability of intuition too.
“Okay, you got me. I like what we have and the possibility of it becoming more than just friendship, but there’s something else I have going on. And I can’t tell you because client confidentiality.”
“What does one of your clients have to do with you going on a date or two and getting a boyfriend?”
Baekhyun jerked at those words and banged a rib into the wall. The irony was not lost on him that he was a couples’ counselor and couldn’t handle such a label directed towards his own life. His family and coworkers about it all the time.
“We have… unconventional meetings, and I need to work with this client a bit more than others. There’s no time and place for a relationship.”
Dr. Sang gave him the evil eye for a moment before sighing.
“Planning is rarely a factor in emotions, Baekhyun. Tardiness though, is a common and unfortunate one.”
“So is rushing it. He’s a bodyguard, Dr. Sang. He’s busy.”
“All the more reason you should be ‘bodyguarding’ him from other suitors.”
Baekhyun curled his upper face in cringe while the doctor winked and shot little finger guns at him.
“But in all seriousness, if that’s true, then he should understand better than anyone the kind of schedule you have. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re not allowed to prioritize yourself sometimes. Well, at this point, it’s not even prioritization but allowance of your own pursuit of happiness.”
Baekhyun bit his lip. His boss had scary intuition.
“Well, that’s my consultation for you, Baekhyun. If you need another, you know where to find me.”
He stood, smiled and waved, and breezed out as easily as he came in, leaving Baekhyun alone with that thought, and that thought was one he had been trying to avoid for almost a decade of his life. Deep down, he knew that he crafted excuses, reasons of avoidance by using his antihuman client. But whether it was because he didn’t feel ready to ask Yeol about their relationship or because he didn’t feel deserving of finding the reassurance that could lead to happiness—it didn’t matter because Baekhyun would always feel guilty.
He wasn’t the same person who basically told his friend to throw away his ty family, but he had been that person. And that fact haunted him every time he smiled at Yeol’s texts.
Baekhyun stood by his decision, and unless something mind-blowing changed his mind, it would stay like that. Saving and logging out, he took his things, threw on his light jacket, and locked his office. He waved bye to the others and started his bus route back home.
The elevator to his condo dinged, and he stepped out into the hallway, lazily readying his keys out. He just plucked them out when he looked down the hallway and noticed several things.
Someone was pacing outside his door.
That someone was Jongdae.
He was wearing an apron with colorful stains on it.
Jongdae spotted him and crossed his arms, impatiently tapping his foot as Baekhyun trudged closer. The man narrowed his eyes.
“Before you say anything, no, I did not just come back from a failed night out. Just wait until I get inside before you tell me anything.”
Jongdae stepped back, and Baekhyun unlocked his door, stepping in and shedding everything onto the kitchen counter, too tired to put them in their proper place. He gulped down a glass of water at the same time the man slunk around his back, a bit too close.
“Uh, can you back up a little?”
The man did, a little surprising to Baekhyun, and pulled a brownish-orange feather between them. That was even more surprising.
“Wasn’t that on my window?”
“It was attached to your back, and it’s covered in aura.”
“In what?”
“Nothing. What did you mean by it was on your window?”
“I saw this same one, I think, on the window at my office. I didn’t feel that much wind outside though, so I don’t know how it got stuck to me.”
“I’m going to take this.”
“Knock yourself out, but isn’t it illegal to pick up any feathers?”
Jongdae rolled his eyes and set the feather on the counter towards his side.
“I can’t stay for long because I used the excuse that the smell was terrible to leave.”
“You left your guardee alone?”
“Of course not.” Jongdae curled his lip at him. “I left him with my coordinator. They’re cooking lemons.”
Baekhyun didn’t know what olfactory horrors came from cooking lemons nor could he really imagine it. “I guess we have time for one or two questions while they make a lemon curd or something. What’s on your mind?”
He started towards his bedroom to grab the right notepad, found it, and walked back into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table. The man hadn’t moved.
“Jongdae, you can sit.”
His back muscles tensed, but he turned and slid into the chair opposite, sinking into his arms resting on the tabletop. Baekhyun sat there reviewing previous notes for a couple minutes as he waited for the agent to start speaking. He took longer than ever before, and when Baekhyun glanced up, he had to hold in a surprised hum. As usual, only Jongdae’s upper face was visible, but the telltale color of a blush painted his cheeks.
“What does it mean when a human starts crying and hugs you because you’re still alive?”
Any cooing and warm feelings that might’ve been building were immediately wiped from Baekhyun’s mind. He needed a moment to process those words, Jongdae’s reaction, and what situation that could’ve possibly warranted them both. But the moment passed, and he still didn’t get it.
“Huh?”
“Of course, I’d be alive. It takes more than a spinning first angel of metal blades to kill me. If he wasn’t choking on tears and poisonous blood, I would’ve thought that he was insulting me… But he doesn’t really think like that, I guess. He should’ve been more worried about himself.”
“What?”
“And I don’t know what happened! The other side of the bed was warm from the sunlight, but that doesn’t mean that I should’ve fallen asleep for six hours. The last time I slept that long, I was knocked out after a chimera ing impaled me.”
“What??”
“And then he just stays next to me for the entire time I was asleep! Does he even know what that means?! Probably not but—argh, Kai told him what it means for a demon to fall asleep next to someone, and now what if he starts asking me complicated questions like, ‘do I mean anything to you?’”
Baekhyun reeled his mind back from nonsense metaphor land; he understood that last sentence at least.
“What does he mean to you?”
“He’s my guardee. I just guard him.”
“Is that the only thought you’ve had about this relationship?”
“What other thought is there to have?”
“Hm, I don’t want to influence what you may actually be feeling. Tell me about that first thing you mentioned—the hugging you part.”
Jongdae tilted his head so that his cheek leaned on his arm, and Baekhyun saw more of the crown of his head instead of his face.
“What about it?”
“Did you like him hugging you?”
“…I guess.”
“Is that an uncertain ‘I guess’?”
“No.”
“Then…?”
“I don’t know—I guess that it wasn’t threatening enough for me to really care. Plus, he was choking. Why should I let him keep hugging me when he literally cannot breathe?”
“So it was threatening?”
“What?”
“You don’t want him to choke, right? That’s threatening to his life.”
Jongdae whipped his head back upright, and with the way he had his arms splayed out, Baekhyun shuddered at how close he resembled a contortionist.
“Oh. That’s true,” the agent said.
“You asked what it means for someone to cry and hug you because you’re still alive. What was the context that led him to do that?”
“We were slicing off the wings of a first angel, and I timed my hold a little late. The blades were cutting into my wrist, but he froze them before going to the wing. He sliced it off, but the blood poison got into his eyes and he let go. I caught him out of the air in time.”
Baekhyun still didn’t understand anything the man just said, but he noticed the little bit of relief in his last sentence. Hmm.
“It sounded like he was blinded as he started plummeting to the ground.”
Jongdae flinched so minutely that the motion could’ve been more of a twitch, but Baekhyun had an intuition on this one. And six years of counseling experience.
“Yeah.”
“And I’m assuming that since you were cutting off wings, the… first angel was falling too.”
“Smart human.”
“The last place you were was on that angel, as far as your guardee knew. From what you told me, he was probably scared of not knowing if you had gotten away or were still on the sinking ship, so to speak. So when he found out that you were okay, he cried and hugged you out of relief. Humans can cry if they’re overwhelmed, happiness not being an exception.”
The man stared into the table before nodding.
“Happy crying? Humans are weird.”
Baekhyun gave a half-shrug.
“Did that answer your questions about that?”
Jongdae thought for a moment, then nodded and leaned his head back down.
“Oh, that’s a little surprising,” Baekhyun said when he didn’t say any more.
“Why?”
“I thought you’d ask something like, ‘why was he so worried about me when he was the one falling out of the sky?’”
“I know the answer to that one.”
“Which is?”
“He’s like that. He worries about other people first. He’s like my unitmate in a way. Maybe that’s why they get along so well.”
“Your unitmate? Not your coordinator?”
“Different people.”
He didn’t say anymore, so Baekhyun shrugged to himself. Government agents.
“Next thing you mentioned was a sleeping matter.”
“Ugh, yeah.”
“Do you usually not sleep a lot?”
“I don’t need to sleep. It’s a choice, so when a demon chooses to sleep, especially next to someone, it’s a big deal.”
“How so?”
“Sleeping means becoming defenceless. Duh. If you sleep next to someone, you’re basically saying that you trust that person with your life.”
Baekhyun gave the top of the man’s head a slightly judgey look for the tone but dutifully filled in that vocabulary on the side.
“So you slept next to Xiumin. Doesn't that mean you trust him with your life?”
“Tch. He wouldn’t be able to even fight off an imp.”
“I don’t know. He did slice off the wings of a spinning first angel full of metal blades.”
Jongdae clicked his tongue again, while Baekhyun just noted that he didn’t deny his question nor his statement.
“Is there another reason you could’ve fallen asleep on the bed? You said that it was warm.”
“Yeah. I like warm things, and we were inside the house, so the chances of something attacking us were small. But that doesn’t mean I would sleep in the same room, let alone on the same furniture item, as someone else.”
“Would you sleep next to the unitmate you mentioned before? Or your coordinator?”
“Not my coordinator. My unitmate... probably, but he’d be the one sleeping.”
“And your guardee?”
The man paused, shifting.
“The house itself is blessed. It hides its own presence, so we’d get enough of a warning if someone came to attack. t’s not like he’d be doing any actual fighting. I’d woken up by then.”
“Alright, then I just want to ask for curiosity’s sake—”
“Then don’t ask it.”
“—Forget the blessed house, the warm bed, and any previous history of you sleeping or not. Close your eyes and imagine you and Xiumin in a— I said close your eyes.”
Jongdae grumbled but eventually closed his eyes.
“Imagine you and Xiumin in a peaceful place. It could be outdoors, in an urban area, wherever—just somewhere where the rest of the world doesn’t matter. Xiumin said that he’s been stressed and having trouble sleeping, so you plan out a day together to get his mind off things. Maybe you’re coming back from a day at the beach, at a mall, after a delicious meal at a restaurant, or you both finished watching a movie at home. The activity could be anything, but there’s one thing that doesn’t change—you two had fun. You laughed and smiled, and so did he. You guys finished getting ready for bed and are now just talking. Maybe you’re taking turns with asking each other questions. You ask him something, but he doesn’t reply, and you realize that it’s because he fell asleep. How does that make you feel?”
Jongdae jerked up, his eyes springing open, his hands gripping the table. Baekhyun about fell out of his chair from shock but managed to stabilize himself in time. The agent in a breath and started rubbing at his chest.
“What was that?”
“What was
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