His anger hurt me more than anyone. He wouldn't take it out on me. No instead he took it out on everyone else. He hit everyone else, yelled at everyone else. Everyone but me. He lost everyone because of me. I had made the biggest mistake ever. I tried to tell myself that he was fine. That this was how he copes. That no matter how bad it hurt he was ok. He would be ok.

I knew I was living the lie.

He wasn't fine.

He wasn't coping

He wasn't ok.

He wouldn't be ok.

I knew all of this and I let him do it. Once or twice I broke up a fight between him and Yoongi. I wish I hadn't though. Because that was when I learned the truth.

His wrists... the scars... the pain I caused him when I grabbed his wrist... 

I wanted to fall to my knees right then and there and just bawl. He was going through so much pain. How I couldn't see it I didn't know. That's when I started to fall.

The deep dark hole that consumed my life was tearing me apart. I stopped talking, stopped smiling. I could barely eat. I couldn't sleep. Coffee wouldn't do anything to me. I would just stare off into space like I was in my own head. 

I felt most afraid in my own head. I couldn't get out though. I was constantly running from demons that threatened to kill me. I was always so afraid to look myself in the mirror. I didn't want to see the monster I became. My stylist started having to cover dark circles under my eyes that I had never seen.