After one night in the hospital I had to go home. I actually slept but I had a nightmare that I was trying so damn hard to push out of my thoughts. It scared me really bad. I think Kookie had one too. I heard him in the middle of the night begin to cry. I would have comforted him. But he was just going to push me away and I didn't want that anyways. 

I started to think about what I had said.

"I can't live like this Jungkook. I can't live thinking about you every 20 seconds and wanting to kiss you every time I look at you. This... what we have between us. It can never work. I know what I said last night. Alright I was wrong. I'm sorry for whatever pain I caused you but I just can't live running back to you everynight because I can't sleep without your kiss and because you get constant nightmares. I just can't" 

I was right. I couldn't do that. I was incapable of a love like that. But why? Was it really Ah Ren Tak. Was she really the only reason I couldn't love him the way I wanted. I started to make a list of reasons why I couldn't love him.

1. No one would ever know but us

2. No one could ever know but us

3. Ah Ren

4. We would have to sneak around

5. Eventually someone would know

6. We both had never loved anyone like that

7. Neither of us even knew we loved each other until that night

After a while I realized I was just making excuses. I could love him like that. I just wasn't willing.