“Come here for me to recount to you what is on my heart. How my mind (soul) is troubled every time I think of you. I do not have the strength (spirit) to tell you how you govern my mind. But with my actions you can tell what I am thinking.” —Di m' kisa pou mwen fè (Tell Me what to Do) By Hamonik (Harmony)

 

 

“Let’s gather around for a picture!” Juhli trilled, beaming, her polaroid camera in hand.

 

She jumped from her seat and stood in the middle of the practice room, wisp of dark hair sticking to her nape and cheek. Another hot day. But a day appreciated much more than the others.

 

“This is our last practice,” Juhli announced with a bright smile dip in melancholic sadness. “I had so much fun guys. You lots made it fun.” She clapped. “You guys worked so hard. We all did. And I know the festival will be amazing and we will have amazing performances.”

 

Everyone cheered at her little spiel.

 

“Aaw, I feel like crying.” Hyein sniffed and wiped the corner of her dry eyes.

 

They laughed and smiled at her.

 

The students felt a bit nostalgic. The summer had been suffocating, but it made the whole experience the more pleasurable. They could say that now that it was coming to an end. It was always better to reminiscence.

 

Jaejoong smiled and let Juhli pull him close and snapped a picture before they filed out of the room and into their campus grand courtyard for lunch.

 

So, this is it.

 

Since that night three days ago, Yunho and Jaejoong have been ignoring each other.

 

The morning after, Jaejoong made sure to wake up extra early to not run into Yunho on his way to the campus. The very thought of Yunho made him hot and uncomfortable.

 

Yunho was glad when he met up with his friends and noticed Jaejoong was absent that morning. He needed a few more minutes to grab his bearings and think things through—to come up with answers and solutions.

 

When they did meet, Yunho’s mind was still blank, his face heat up, turning currant red, and the eighteen years old could not make eye contact or greet the other. They ran away. And continued running away. And it got progressively more difficult to talk with each day that passed.

 

Before they knew it, two days had passed and Yunho desperately wanted to talk to Jaejoong, but his courage was gone, mind still white, his word bank blank.

 

They didn’t know what to say. They feared what they would say if they did talk.

 

Yunho missed being near Jaejoong. However, every time they were in the same vicinity he would look away, recalling that night and his shame when his secrets became known.

 

During lunch, Juhli asked Yunho to take a picture with her. He could not reject her. He nodded, the corner of his lips stretched up high.

 

Yunho wondered if he could also take one with Jaejoong. He wanted a keepsake.

 

His heart hurt at the knowledge he could never have Jaejoong nor let the content of his heart aired. Not even to one person. Not even to Jaejoong.

 

“Jaejoong, you’re in it too.” Juhli yanked him next to her.

 

Yunho was pleasantly surprised. He thought Juhli wanted a picture with just the two of them. He lucked out, he realized. He could always ask Juhli for a copy. He would now have a picture of Jaejoong.

 

Hyein jumped in the picture too, standing next to Jaejoong. Juhli was between the two males, leaning more toward Yunho with a large smile on her tan face.

 

Mino, the person who was to take the picture, asked, “Is there anyone else that would like to be in this picture? Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

 

Before Juhli could reprimand Mino for making a change she did not authorized, most of their friends screamed loudly, some shooting up and prepping their faces, “I want to be in it!”

 

“No!” Juhli cried as she was crushed with bodies trying to squeeze in the picture frame. She lost her position next to Yunho, ending up next to Changmin who slung his arm around her muscular shoulders, smile bright, large, cheeky and broad. She looked unhappy.

 

Jaejoong found himself next to Yunho. His palms softened with sweat.

 

Hyein clawed onto Jaejoong, making sure she was next to him in the picture.

 

“Give me a copy,” Jaejoong, Yunho, Hyein, Changmin, Myungsoo, and Sungyeol said in unison before Mino had time to snap the picture, ambushing despondent Juhli.

 

They looked at each other and both simultaneously looked away, while the rest of their friends laughed at the perfection of an uncoordinated action.

 

The two teenage men feared looking at the each other, cheeks filling with blood.

 

“Stay still,” Mino shrilled, in mock sternness.

 

The picture was taken, and a few people wanted to see what they looked like in the picture, crowding around Mino who played hot potato with the camera, passing it to the person closest to him.

 

“I am hungry,” he announced, going for his lightly eaten lunch.

 

“My camera,” Juhli mumbled softly under her breath. Changmin retrieved it from the person holding it.

 

After everything settled, Hyein made an announcement, legs crossed, juice bottle in one hand with the yellow cap in the other, the languid smile hang loosely off her lips. “Before this summer, I had no interest in getting to know any of you guys. But, I am glad that we ended up eating together for the last few months and many of us have formed deep, intense friends.” Her smile intensified, pausing. “I hope we can remain and I hope we will continue on taking care of each other in the upcoming semesters.”

 

Everyone clapped—touched. They looked at the other with scintillating eyes that burst with hope of the friendships made that summer remaining intact in the upcoming years. Many great, unexpected friendships had been formed, and it was their deepest wish that it would carry on through the upcoming months and years.

 

 Mino and Sungyeol teased Hyein.

 

“I did not know you were that sentimental, Hyein?” Sungyeol teased, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I am not one dimensional like you, Sungyeol, who only knows the clown act.”

 

“Ouch.” Sungyeol touched his chest, sitting back down as his friends laughed at him.

 

Hyein had a sharp tongue, which they all knew now.

 

Juhli quietly handed Jaejoong the camera. “Take a picture of just me and Yunho, please.” She glared at Mino, who lifted his shoulders defensively, cheeks puffed.

 

“I’ll take one of just you four now. Deal?” Mino pleaded, grinning cutely at her.

 

“Just take it without saying anything, okay?” she countered.

 

He threw his head back in exasperation, sniggered and nodded. “Yes ma’am.” Mino saluted, forcing a carefree grin.

 

“Come on, Yunho.” She smiled warmly, looping her arms with Yunho’s, pressing her body against his side.

 

“You want me to take one of just you two?” Jaejoong asked, voice low.

 

She grinned, rapidly bobbing her head back and forth. “Please.”

 

Jaejoong looked at Yunho through the camera lens, inhaled and snapped the keepsake.

 

Juhli’s smile was radiant. Jaejoong wondered if he had ever seen her smile so sweetly and prettily before.

 

Yunho had that effect on others. Jaejoong sighed, dropping his eyes and arms.

 

She was on him the moment he was done to look at the picture.

 

Juhli pawed at Yunho and forced him to also look at the picture with a falsified delighted—smile and made a noncommittal remark. She thanked both, eyes glistening.

 

“I love it!”

 

“I am glad,” Jaejoong muttered.

 

Mino grabbed the camera and the original four posed one last time.

 

Juhli pushed Hyein away, getting a brilliant idea and stood between the two males and asked Mino to take one other picture. “The last one. I promised.” She laughed at his aghast expression.

 

He rolled his eyes but did as she asked.

 

The moment the smiling trio was captured, lunch was over.

 

“I spent my whole lunch taking pictures!” Mino whined, throwing his unneatened food a look filled with longing.

 

“Your fault,” Changmin teased, earning a dark look from Juhli who quickly apologized to Mino, the corner of her lips quickened with mirth.

 

“I want a picture of just Jaejoong and I,” Hyein complained, displease over the thought that she had lost her opportunity.

 

“You two can take one at any time. I’ll have my camera on me for the rest of the week.” Juhli promised, biting her bottom lips, face alive.

 

“I’ll take one with you later, if you want, Hye.” Jaejoong promised.

 

“Thank you.” She flocked to his side and gave him a tight hug.

 

“Don’t kill him.” Heejun laughed.

 

“I won’t!” Hyein chortled, stepping back.

 

Jaejoong collected his stuff, eyes away from where it wanted to be—Yunho.

 

“You fighting with Yunho?” Hyein asked, coming next to him—no surprised there—as they walked back.

 

Jaejoong shook his head. “No.”

 

“Really?” she tapped her chin with a thoughtful look. “You two have gotten really closed at the beginning of summer. You know what? Only yesterday...nope a few days ago, you two were extremely close. What happened?”

 

He shook his head. “Nothing.” The finality in his chilly tone made her swallow whatever else she wanted to add.

 

“I want to go to the beach,” Jaejoong heard Juhli saying as they walked toward the school’s entrance.

 

“Let’s do that,” Changmin offered.

 

She made a disgusted sound. “Not with you.”

 

He scoffed. “I never offered to go with you. I was asking my friends. I also want to go to the beach.”

 

“That is not what it sounded like.” She . “But, if you and your friends wanted to tag along, I would not say no.” Her eyes sojourned and lightly grazed Yunho’s smiling face before she looked over at Changmin who shrugged.

 

“You should come too, Yunho. What do you say?”

 

He startled and looked over at her, his smile was cool, lacking its crimson red brilliance. “If I can, that be great.”

 

She lit up and cheered, “Yay.”

 

“Just say you wanted to ask Yunho to come with you.”

 

She rolled her eyes at him, smile still in place. “So, what? I just like him more than you.”

 

An emotion—maybe pain? Discomfort?— waltzed across Changmin’s countenance before he rolled his massive shoulders back and beamed down at Juhli. “I like him more than you, too.”

 

“I am fine with that,” she cheered, unbothered.

 

Jaejoong sneaked a look back to bless his eyes with a few stolen looks of Yunho, but he was met with Yunho’s firm, dark eyes. Their gazes clashed. They quickly look away at the same moment.

 

Jaejoong couldn’t even act as if he was looking at something or someone else. His faced heated up.

 

“Are you okay?” Jihun asked Yunho, detecting the flow of blood to his face. “Heat ?”

 

He rapidly shook his head. “No! No.” He repeated, much softer this time, “I am…” Pressing his lips together he lifted his eyebrows, eyes scanning the steaming ground, it was hot as usual. “Just….” He looked up at Jihun and smiled. “Yeah, I am just hot.”

 

His friend frowned, confused. “No heat ?”

 

Yunho cackled. “Would I be talking to you right now if I were having a heat ?”

 

The worried male nodded. “Right. Never mind.”

 

“I feel like you want me to be sick.”

 

“Not funny. You are just so red.”

 

“It’s the heat. I am fine.”

 

“So, you say. Just wanted to make sure. Ooh, hey! Hoyah!” The teen jogged toward the smiling male who had stopped walking with his group of friends upon his name being called.

 

Yunho’s eyes searched for Jaejoong against his will and landed on his back. He was next to clingy Hyein. Yunho was coming to see Hyein as nothing but a leech—clingy. She was where he should be. Standing in his position Yunho reasoned, eyes forming slits.

 

He was always next to Jaejoong. He wanted to be next to him.

 

What an idiot he was.

 

Yunho groaned, rubbing his forehead in annoyance.

 

Inhaling, the general looked away and rested his eyes on a bantering Juhli and Changmin.

 

When did they become friends—and good ones at that too?

 

Yunho found his Poppi on the side porch, feet dangling on the side, staring tenderly at the large gray circular object that was idlily swimming against the backdrop of the twinkling stars. He was fanning himself in lazy while he petted Chrysanthemum.

 

“You are up. Can’t sleep?”

                                                                                                                                     

Yunho shook his head and plopped down next to the older man with a cup of water between his palms.

 

Lately Yunho hadn’t been able to sleep soundly. The fact that he was the most fatigued he had been in years and could not sleep was a testimony of his state of mind.

 

Yunho stared into the darkness with Poppi. The man’s serene presence calmed him down a bit.

 

“Want to talk?” the elderly man asked after a few minutes of complete silence except for the story the crickets and cuckoos were telling.

 

“I do not know.”

 

The ninety-nine-year-old looked over at his great grandson. “You do not know?”

 

Chrysanthemum yawned and lifted her head before she slipped back to her fore position.

 

The boy reached over and rubbed the tip of his fingers against her soft, fine ebony fur.

 

He shook his head. “I…Something happened…to me and I do not know how to—describe it.”

 

“Hmm. So, you do not have the words to describe it, but you know what it is?”

 

Yunho stayed silent. He down his water in one go.

 

Dropping his hands in between his slightly parted legs, holding the empty cup down there, he rested his elbows on his thick thighs. Yunho asked his great grand-poppa, “Did you love momma Jihyo?”

 

The wizened man sighed, a watery smile stealing over his lips. “Fortunately for us it was a family-oriented match that blossomed into something more—many call it and see it as love.”

 

“And you call it?”

 

Poppi looked over at him and laughed. “I respected and held—and hold—your grandmother in high regards. She was a strong and kind woman who was beautiful externally and internally.”

 

Yunho groaned. “That’s great.”

 

“She was,” he purred, absentminded. “But that’s not what you’re looking for, right?”

 

“I do not know what I am looking for,” he muttered, pulling his arms up, hugging his legs to his chest, the cup pressing against the front of his legs which were crossed at the ankle.

 

He could not come clean with Poppi, Yunho reasoned, so what was the used in asking for advice.

 

The older man smiled and looked at him with solicitous eyes. “As I was always told by your great grandmother, follow your heart. It probably will lead you where you want to go.”

 

“Probably?” The boy chewed on the word.

 

Poppi laughed, patting Yunho on the back. “You know what you are feeling and want to do. I tell you to follow your heart.” He smiled pointedly at his great grandchild.

 

“But, what if what is right and what my heart wants are...two different things. One leads to…happiness, I supposed, and the other to...sadness, but righteousness.”

 

Yunho was nationalistic and extremely righteous. Going against any of these two traits of his posed as a great hurdle.

 

Being interested in Jaejoong in any way, shape or from that was not platonic battled with who Yunho was.

 

Poppi hummed, eyes fixated on the moon. “I say follow your heart. When someone asks for advice on a matter, they already have all the answers. They just can't settle on the option they favor the most. But they know which one they truly want. They just cannot decide if it is the best route.”

 

“Poppi, you make no sense.” That’s Poppi for you, with his paradoxical statement.

 

The elder laughed heartily, throwing his white head back.

 

Poppi slapped his closed fan against his outer thigh. “I make perfect sense. You know what you want to do,” he murmured, his thin lips barely moving. Looking at the corner of his eyes at the young handsome man, he added, “You know what you want to do. Do it. It’s better to not have regrets.”

 

Regrets?

 

“This world is filled with complexities. Our reality is not always what we think it is. Freedom…means different things to different people.”

 

Yunho scowled at his elder. “Poppi, are you joking with me right now?”

 

 How was his philosophical outlook on life going to help him? What did freedom have to do with him? He was in a chaotic state of mind.

 

Poppi flashed him a cheeky grin. “Yunho, you are headstrong, righteous, idealistic, and a very, very loyal young man. Following your head in the situation you are in may not be the answer. Define what freedom is to you.”

 

Kim Jaejoong?

 

 

The two males were still awkward with each other and were still not talking, not even when they walked home together. They got lost in Yunho’s large group of friends.

 

Sungyeol provided the talking, even getting Myungsoo to chip in much more than was common of him.

 

The silent treatment gave both time to think—and their imagination ran wild, doing more damage than anything the other could have say.

 

Both boys feared vocalizing what was obvious to each other. They had a very good inclination that it was clear that what they felt for each other was more than just platonic.

 

Yunho worried about the what—ifs: what if his ‘inclination’ was wrong and it was pure friendship? Jaejoong felt nothing for him? If so, he did not believe he would be able to live through a direct rejection, nor did he want to vocalize his feelings first if he was wrong and ruined their friendship for good. What if Jaejoong was staying quiet because he was disgusted by Yunho’s reaction that night and was subtly telling him he wanted to end their friendship?

 

The thought hurt.

 

The athletic teen knew he was over thinking, but he couldn’t stop. He felt guilty even looking at his beautiful ‘friend.’

 

He felt as if he was being poked at the heart with a sharp trident.

 

He hated it.

 

If only Yunho knew that Jaejoong was in the exact same boat as him.

 

 

 

Jaejoong found himself standing barefoot in front of his sister’s room and knocking on her locked door.

 

“What’s up?”

 

Lieah sat in her love seat.

 

Jaejoong sits gingerly on her bed and fused his fingers together and asked his sister something that had been on his mind for a while. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

 

“Don’t you always.”

 

He stared blankly at her.

 

Chuckling, she tucked some slightly damped dark strands behind her ear. “Go ahead. You can.”

 

“Okay. Right. Thank you.”

 

She perked up, fixing her sitting position. “What’s wrong? Spill it.”

 

His twitchy behavior piqued her interest.

 

“Li, when will you get married?”

 

That was not the question she expected. She relaxed in her love sit.

 

“Where is that coming from?” Lieah sniggered. “Are you red from worrying over my future?”

 

He blinked at his playful sister. “No. Umm...no.”

 

“What is it then?” She stared deeply into his eyes. He felt vulnerable. He teared his gaze away.

 

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

 

He nodded, eyes on his wiggling ivory toes.

 

“Why are you really here then?”

 

“I really do want to know why you—” He slowly lifted his head.

 

She nodded. “I’ll tell you if you ask me the real question you are here to ask.”

 

“It’s not—” He could not tell her. No matter what. It was his secret to the grave. He would not worry her.

 

“Have you ever been in love?” the desolate teen whispered, feeling as if he was committing a grave sin talking about ‘love.’ He knew he wasn’t.

 

“Do you have someone you like, Jaejoong?”

 

He could not look away from her arresting gaze nor lie—not when his oldest sister’s all—knowing eyes was fixated on him.

 

He jerkily bobbed his up and down, the movements slight.

 

“Who?” She sat up, leaning forward, all her attention on her baby brother.

 

Jaejoong focused on his white toes once more. He could not open his mouth to answer her—to lie to her.

 

“Wait, don’t tell me. You do not have to—for now. I will wait. I can wait. So, do you want to know what to do about your feelings? Do you feel scared because…you know, because of the List?”

 

He nodded, gaze still down. He’ll listen to anything at that moment. He just needed help to stop wanting and hurting.

 

“Well, that is hard.”

 

He said nothing.

 

“Jaejoong, look at me.”

 

He nodded but did not obey.

 

“Jaejoong!”

 

“Yes ma’am.” He snapped his head up and stared at her, blood rushing to his ears, feeling .

 

Her face crumbled, her eyes, outlined with pity and anger grew soft and hazy. She smiled sweetly at her younger brother.

 

 “I am sorry.”

 

She felt guilty. What was he doing burdening his sister like that?

 

“No. It is—”

 

She intercepted. “Go for it.”

 

“What?” He blinked in confusion.

 

“Don’t let the List hold you back or worry you. Go for it.”

 

His gulps were loud.

 

“Did you just…”

 

Smiling confidently, she nodded. “Yes. I just told you to go ahead and make your love come true. Don’t worry about the List.”

 

“Really? Can—could I?”

 

“Yep.” Chuckling, Lieah relaxed in her seat. “Most teens fall in love and date, sweets. It is healthy and fine. Do not hate yourself, just enjoy it. It is okay to be different.”

 

A surge of emotion choked Jaejoong. He wanted to tell his sister everything then. She would understand and support him, right? She just told him to break the unwritten law and date.

 

She would support him, right?

 

He was especially close to her out of all his siblings, and she was just so kind and tender hearted.

 

She would protect him, right?

 

His sister had been the one he came to when he felt confused over his feelings for his classmate in primary school.

 

Embarrassed as he had been, he had felt as if he had to let his feelings out or he would explode—as he was feeling right at present time—and she had listened to him. She had been there for him.

 

Then, Lieah, a new teen herself, had looked lost and scared as if she knew something he hadn’t. However, she still took the older sister role seriously and had taken his hands and assured him he was okay and that he simply admired his classmate. It was okay to like his classmates. She liked her classmates too. She promised him everything would be alright, and he was not weird or abnormal. He was perfect the way he was, and she would always love him as he was.

 

She had always been there for him.

 

Even now she did not ask for the name of the person he was in love with. She was pressuring him, allowing him to come to her at his own volition. She was letting him take his time and think things through.

 

He could trust her, right?

 

Jaejoong just felt tired.

 

For so long he has wanted but always denied his basic needs and held it all in. He wanted to rest and have someone help him hold his loads.

 

In his moment of weakness, for a split second Jaejoong almost pried his lips open and confess that it was Yunho he could not stop thinking about, stop wanting with all his might. It was Jung Yunho.

 

The singer shuddered at the thought of such a thing actualizing. She could not know. No one could. Not even Yunho—not if he wanted to remain friends with him, which he did.

 

It was better if no one knew and they never acted on their….his insane feelings.

 

Was his forbidden love doomed from the very beginning?

 

Jaejoong tormented over the thought that Yunho was ignoring him because he knew of his feelings and was repulsed. The fear made his skin grow cold and palms clammy.

 

“Thank you.” Jaejoong choked, nose tinging red.

 

He felt like crying.

 

He had such a phenomenal sister.

 

She’s amazing.

 

“Don’t cry.”

 

Jaejoong laughed. “I won’t.”

 

“Good, because I do not have any tissues right now.”

 

They laughed unison. It was melodious.

 

Staring at each other, both smiling, for what seemed like an hour, Lieah finally exclaimed, “Right. Jaejoong, you want to know why I am still single, right?”

 

Jaejoong could do with being distracted. He did not want to open his mouth and say anything he should not.

 

His heart fluttered, excitement filling him. He had always wanted to know why his twenty—year—old sister was not going on dates and meeting marriage candidates, doing what their older brother had done before he settled on his pretty fiancé.

 

He leaned forward to herd what his older sister had to say.

 

“Sweetie, I cannot get married.”

 

“Huh? Why? You do not want to get married? Is there someone you are interested in?”

 

She doubled over in guffaw. “Love…romance, marriage, I am not interested in those things.”

 

“Huh? Why not?” He knew he sounded stupid, but he just did not understand.

 

His sisters gaze remained soft and loving.

 

“Marriage is just not cut out for me. I have other things I am invested in. Things that make me happy and promises greater rewards.”

 

“Children are great. The greatest rewards.”

 

He was quoting his Youth Club instructors and he did not even realized.

 

Her eyes dimmed with sadness but filled with a courage and resolution Jaejoong could not see the source of.

 

“What I am interested in is much more bigger and more important and more dangerous than children rearing and marriage.” Her speech was slow, clear, distinctive, each words thoughtfully selected.

 

“Dangerous?”

 

She overlooked his question. “There is something that I’ve not shared with you and Moonbok.”

 

Dangerous?

 

“There is? What is it?” His throat clogged.

 

“It is nothing serious. Do not look scared.” She laughed, her voice high and bright, as if she were acting. “It is just that, fortunately for me, I am unable to bear children.”

 

Jaejoong was embarrassed over what he had just said and beyond confused as he stared at his smiling sister. “Fortunately?”

 

She nodded. “Numerous of other females and males wished they could not have children. People like me are not bounded down to societal expectations.”

 

She made it sound like having children, or the ability, was the most unfortunate thing that could be granted to a citizen of Peyisivil. A burden. Nothing like the blessing they’ve been told it was in their formative years.

 

“What? It’s a blessing to have children and populate this great country of ours.” He didn’t know that he was literally repeating word for word what he had been taught since he was a child in preschool. “I am sorry.” The boy quickly added. “I do not mean to upset you.”

 

“It is okay, Jaejoong. I do not want kids, anyways.”

 

“Anyways? Why? They are a blessing.”

 

Lieah grinned, eyes swirling with mirth. Raking her fingers through her hair, she shared gleefully, “I cannot give birth; therefore, I cannot get married.”

 

That made sense, Jaejoong reasoned. But he had never seen a man or woman that wasn’t married and had or were planning on having children. His sister couldn’t be the only one. Where were they? What would happen to his sister?

 

“Are you worried about my future?” She grinned. “That’s cute. But do not be.” She stared at him in silence for a while before she waved for him to come closer. “Come here.”

 

Getting up, he walked to his sister. She grabbed his hand and tugged him to sit next to her. Wrapping him in her arms she leaned her cheek on top of his head.

 

“I love you. I want to protect you and Moonbok like Seungjun, momma, and poppa have protected me. Whatever happens in the future, always remember….We will always put our loved ones above others, and if what should be there to protect us does the opposite and threatens us and our safety we will fight it.”

 

Her tone hardened and it frightened Jaejoong.

 

Though he was lost about what she was talking about, he hoped his sister would always be safe.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Seungjun’s voice was heard as he screamed that he was home.

 

Lieah patted his arm. “Him too. He is working hard to protect us all.”

 

 

On the morning of the opening ceremony, the students bustled around campus, getting ready to travel to the town center for the opening ceremony. They were all jumpy, filled with a nervous energy. The kids were also excited to begin the week—long celebration so it could end, and they could finally begin their short summer vacation.

 

They were ready for the people who came from other departments to observe the Phoenix festival in the hosting department to leave, go back home, and stop elongating the queues at the stores, train stations, and being loud as they toured around the town sightseeing. Even if, of course, the tourism was good for Neap’s economy.

 

But above all, they were ready to be done and over with the huge responsibility of preparing for the Phoenix festival.

 

The festival was to open with the chorale from all the schools in the prefecture—primary and secondary schools mixing—singing the national anthem, popular war songs, and the Fire festival songs. Afterwards, the youth infantry drill teams would take their place and they would be followed by the marching band and then the dance drill teams. The youngest would lead the procession.

 

The dance drill teams created routines based on precise dance movements rather than military drill—their performance was to show the creativity and high-class skill of the youth and show the individuality of the campuses they represented.

 

The performance part of the festival would end with the second dance teams, the A teams, which each of the members carrying a flag of the sixty departments of Peyisivil during their routine; team B included the gymnists—their performance was flavored with pompoms and colorful strings to create a breathtaking colorful performance. The A teams were the second largest, after the Youth Infantry drill teams.

 

That morning, Jaejoong was apprehensive. He worried he would barf his breakfast in the chorale room, where he and s were assembled, having one last pep talk, a round of tight hugs, and congratulating each other for surviving through those long, balmy months before they walked out and mounted the bus.

 

His family would be in attendance for all five days. Seungjun thought their presence in the crowd would be comforting when he saw how bad of shape he was in by telling him, “We’ll be cheering you the whole way. I know you will do amazing up there.” He squeezed Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Make Brother Lee’s brain explode.”

 

“Disgusting imagery, and not helpful.” He muttered before walking away.

 

His brother’s laughter followed him.

 

Jaejoong just wanted the whole matter done and completed.

 

“We will do amazing today!” Hyein half shouted and half sang, arm up, erected, in a fist.

 

She was as bright and preppy as always. Jaejoong wondered if anything ever fazed her. He truly admired her. So tiny, but so strong and powerful.

 

“Shout with me,” she demanded, smiling at each other’s blanched faces.

 

“We will do amazing. We are amazing.” She howled, cheeks flushing.

 

Giggling, the members joined her. Juhli could barely shout, because she was laughing too hard.

 

All the girls were lovely in their traditional outfits and make—up, dark smudged outlined eyelids, vermilion cheeks, scarlet tinged lips, hair beautifully done and ornamented. Their male counterparts also looked very smart and handsome.

 

Hyein, who resembled a fairy, flipped around and smiled at a sitting Jaejoong. Placing her palms on his soft cheeks, she said, her breath fruity, “You will do amazing today. I know you will lead well and sing beautifully.”

 

Closing his eyes, he nodded up at her.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Jaejoong had three shows that day. He would be singing twice at the beginning and be closing the first day as the lead singer. Most of the students would perform once, and they would be hidden within a large group. Not many had Jaejoong’s fears. But Yunho did.

 

Yunho would only be out there twice for the military drill team and as member of team B. But he was to be the one to welcome the first speaker to the stage. That was the job of the YI’s generals. Yunho draw the short stick. The events most remembered are always the first and last. And unfortunately for Yunho, none of his fellow generals would get to understand the immense pressure he was under, because Neap’s governor would welcome Brother Lee to the stage for the last speech.

 

Poppi told Yunho he was proud of him before he left home that day after he saw how pale the usually robust boy was. Yunho simply grunted and rolled his shoulders. He had to. His mother’s hug that morning was extra tight.

 

To calm down a bit, Yunho ditched his brothers and dashed toward the south end of the school, heading for the vocal department.

 

“Yunho!” Changmin called after him, his voice ringing over the loud chatter being had all around them.

 

Yunho threw his hand behind him, waving his friend away. He was in a hurry.

 

“We’ll leave you behind,” Changmin added after he muttered sounding under his breath that if not for the presence of their supervisor he would have let free.

 

“Yeah, yeah!” Yunho shouted back, and broke in a run. He needed to see Jaejoong before they leave. He needed to set things straight before it was too late for real.

 

Rounding a turn, Yunho’s long legs skid into a stop, his black boots leaving dry marks on the tile. He tugged his military red jacket down, fixed his black tie, swallowed and began walking toward the chorale room.

 

The corridor was empty and quiet. The morning sun streamed in, flattening against the white wall, washing the world orange.

 

Running over what he wanted to say to Jaejoong, and/or if he should lie and act like he was there to see Hyein and Juhli, Jaejoong walked into the hall.

 

Seeing Jaejoong in his traditional garb cemented Yunho’s resolution. He wanted his friendship. He needed to set things right.

 

The singer looked up, their gaze met. The white skinned male blinked and quickly dropped his head, nape, cheeks, and the tip of his ears turning red. Swallowing down shame and fear, Jaejoong tried to take one even step at a time. Yunho thought him and his reaction cute.

 

He hated this.

 

Yunho walked directly for him, hands forming fists.

 

Today this ends!

 

The night prior, lying on his bed, Yunho decided it was better to forget everything that happened that night. Forget his feelings and stop cowering and running away from Jaejoong and their coveted friendship, on his part. Yunho rather go back to how it was at the beginning than be out the beautiful Kim’s life. He enjoyed their time spent together. He wanted to spend more time with him.

 

If he couldn't act on his feelings, which Yunho decided was the best decision, as it would be against the law and they could be severely punished, he wanted to at least remain Jaejoong’s friend.

 

“Jaejoong. Hey.”

 

He lifted his gaze.

 

Yunho smiled at him.

 

“Yunho. Hi?”

 

“Good luck today,” Yunho said, curling his lips into a welcoming smile, nearing the singer.

 

Jaejoong slowed down and returned the smile. “Thank you.”

 

Yunho could not help but admire how well Jaejoong’s burgundy uniform with the silver and gold threads suited him, contrasting with his soft pale skin and ebony hair—Jaejoong was handsome.

 

Jaejoong was thinking the same thing as he drank in the sight that was Yunho in his military uniform with all his metals hanging off his chest and shoulders.

 

“Good luck today, too.” Jaejoong inhaled. “You'll lead the drill team well.” He lifted a pale fist and bumped it twice.

 

“Thank you,” Yunho murmured, chuckling nervously. He slid his hand down his nape and anxiously chewed his bottom lip.

 

Now! I need to apologize and get into his good books.

 

An awkward silence sat between them before Jaejoong rushed out, the words stumbling on each other, “Hey, I am sorry.”

 

Yunho was shock. His surprise colored his face. “What?”

 

“I am sorry for avoiding you the last few days.”

 

“No!”

 

Yunho’s unexpected outburst made Jaejoong’s eyes widened, he was taken back.

 

Yunho quickly grinned, trying to undo his error. “No. I do not mean it like that. I mean—” he stuttered, walking closer to the silent singer. “I should apologize. I am sorry for—everything. I hope we can go back to being friends. Go back to how we used to be.”

 

Jaejoong’s grin was crooked and cool. “Yeah. Me too.”

 

“Are we good now?” Yunho’s expression was filled with hope.

 

The vocalist nodded. “We were never not ‘good,’ Yunho.”

 

“That’s good.” The general sighed, his eyes closing, pressed his palms together and lifting them to float in front of his face.

 

Jaejoong could not help but chuckled.

 

This was good enough. Having Yunho back in his life as his friend was good enough. At least now he knew he didn’t hate him.

 

It’s good enough.

 

Yunho reached for Jaejoong’s elbow, eating the distance between him. He lowered his hand and squeezed Jaejoong’s wrist. “See you later. I’ll look forward to your performances.” He murmured, voice dropping, making Jaejoong’s knees softened.

 

“Likewise.” Jaejoong freed his wrist. Yunho’s grip was too hot.

 

Yunho nodded, lips still in a butterfly.

 

“Yo, Yunho! We are leaving.”

 

Looking over his shoulder to where Changmin and Myungsoo stood, Yunho looked back at Jaejoong. “I have to go. See you later. I’ll cheer you on.”

 

“Me too,” Jaejoong promised before Yunho dusted his shoulder, not that he needed to, but he wanted to touch Jaejoong in the most nonchalant way that he could, flipped on his thick heels and walked back where he came from.

 

Halfway down the corridor, he stopped and twisted around to smile cutely at Jaejoong and waved one last time.

 

Jaejoong watched Yunho’s long legs take him farther and farther away.

 

Though he was extremely happy and thankful, he still felt defeated and he hated the feeling

 

The week flew by. The heat scorched their skin and penetrated to their bones. They went back to how they were before that night. Yunho visited him as often as he could, and Juhli seemed to love Jaejoong the better for it. She was happy that now everything was fine between them.

 

Little looks were stolen of the other when he was distracted. Shoulders were rubbed as they passed by each other and little shy, sweet smiles were given in retribution.

 

Yunho looked like a proud father after Jaejoong’s superb performances.

 

 

On the last day, once the sun set and green memorial lanterns were lit, coloring Peyisivil shamrock green, the vocal and music department was to perform the closing song, with Jaejoong as the lead singer. This was to be done without the participation of the other schools. It was their honor for being the host. Which was of the highest prestige, as they were to honor their fallen heroes from the twenty-year long war and all the people that have died serving their country.

 

Backstage, as Jaejoong prepared for his final performance of the week before leader Lee’s Phoenix speech, Yunho came to visit. They were back at school.

 

Juhli, who was touching up her melting makeup, lit up and called out to Yunho once he strolled in. 

 

Loosening his tie, his jacket missing, Yunho combed his fringes back with his fingers and lifted his chin at her. “Nervous?” he asked loud enough for both Jaejoong and Juhli to hear.

 

Both he and Juhli looked at the smiling male as if in a trance.

 

Yunho rolled his sleeves to his elbows, the act more sensual than it needed to be.

 

Looking away and shaking his head, Jaejoong shrugged, thumbing through the lyric book. He could not afford to forget the lyrics, the last performance was too important for that to occur, but his mind felt too blank.

 

“We’ve practice so hard, but still.” Juhli sighed, ending her sentence abrutply. “I am a bit jittery.”

 

“It’s normal. You’ll be fine,” Yunho assured, making the red in Juhli’s cheeks deepened.

 

“Right. Thanks.”

 

“Always.” Grinning, he leaned over Jaejoong who was sitting on an armless wooden chair, legs sassily crossed. He reached over to grab the page Jaejoong had between his thumb and forefinger. Jaejoong’s heart jumped into his throat.

 

He could smell Yunho—a mixture of sweat and cedarwood, with a hint of fresh soap. Jaejoong loved that fragrance. It followed him through the whole summer.

 

Yunho had nice fingers, long and slender, and his nails were short, buffed, and clean. Jaejoong lifted his eyes to trace up Yunho’s strong forearm, the thin, soft, black hair on his tanned skin were smoothed down by perspiration. 

 

The male made to open his mouth to say something, but he lost his chance.

 

“Boo!”

 

Both males jumped and looked back to see Hyein scarying a dazed Juhli.

 

“What are you so focused on?” Her tone was coy.

 

The stocky female shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing. Where have you been? Yunho is visiting.”

 

“Hey.” Hyein waved, floating over and squeezed next to Jaejoong.

 

“The chair is too small,” Jaejoong complained, his heart rate not slowing.

 

“It’s too hot,” Yunho added flatly, seeing red. He had started to not like how clingy and touchy Hyein was with Jaejoong.

 

“I don’t mind.” She said, grabbing Jaejoong’s arm. “You always smell nice, all citrusy, and your body is always cool.”

 

Yunho bit his bottom lip to not say anything and griped the back of the chair.

 

“So that’s where you’ve been,” Changmin stated as he walked in, Mino closed on his tail.

 

Yunho groaned and sighed. “What do you need?”

 

“Just wanted to see what you were up too,” Changmin mumbled, flicking Yunho off as he gravitated to Juhli.

 

Mino joined Yunho and began to annoy Hyein.

 

Yunho gave up on having some alone time with Jaejoong. Before long they were told to leave so the singers could get ready.

 

"Good luck," Yunho wished a red-cheeked Jaejoong, trying to not show his disappointment, before he and his friends were forced out.

 

Yunho sulked as he walked away with chatterbox Mino and Changmin.

 

 

Jaejoong got to greet the Supreme leader and shake the hand of every single party members presented on that stage. Yunho empathized with him, because he was in his position on the first day. It was nerve wracking and seeing how calm and beautiful Jaejoong was made his heart swell with warmth.

 

Yunho fell a bit deeper for Jaejoong then.

 

He was unable to focus on Brother Lee’s speech.

 

 

Writer’s Note: What do y’all think our dear Juhli was looking at? Tell me your guesses. This chapter was so effing difficult to edit, especially the last part. Gawd! It ended up being my fave, cause of y Yunho, but trying to make sense of it was…Does the program (festival) even makes sense?

 

Writer’s Note: Please excuse any grammatical error you may come across. Editing is very tiring, and I try to get through it quickly, so…I may have missed a lot. As always, please comment, stay healthy (the flue is wild this year), and please comment. Lots of bo!

 

Chapter Sixteen Preview: The festival is finally over, and they are back at school to clean up. Jaejoong kidnaps Yunho and tug him into the forest and they talk.