“I'd like to tell you and I'd like to say. How I, I feel right now. And I'd like to follow you down the hall. And see where it goes from there”—You Don't See Me by SafetySuit

 

“We’ve already talked about this,” Yunho’s mother, Saera, whispered at her upset daughter, trying to soothe her down.

 

Yunho flipped around and smoothened himself against the wall and eavesdropped.

 

“Why do we have to do this?”

 

“Why?” Seara croaked, surprised.

 

“Junho….” Sanah’s boyfriend of seven years. After saying his name, she sighed deeply and ran her palm harshly down her face, as if she were exfoliating her skin. “This is useless,” she muttered tightly.

 

“Junho?” the older woman sighed, voice tired and draggy. “ Love, you know talking about him now is not the best.”

 

“Why not, mom!”

 

Saera was quiet.

 

“We know...I thought...You understood. You know. This is….” Sanah stuttered.

 

“Useless?” Her mother offered.

 

Sanah silently nodded.

 

“Sanah, you know why I am doing this. You are at age. Junho is not in the list. Your list. And we do not want to draw more attention to us...you. You need to start meeting candidates. This is how this is done. Until we have everything figured out—” She was almost pleading with her upset daughter. Someone who Yunho sometimes forgot was only twenty, still very, very young—even if she was an adult by the definition of the law.

 

“I am just so tired,” Sanah mumbled, carding her fingers through her hair.

 

Yunho sighed, biting his bottom lip. His heart hurt for his sister, but he commended his mother. She was an exemplary citizen.

 

It bothered Yunho that his heart hurt for his sister; he wanted to change her future and give her the perfect list, a list with Junho as the only name listed in the most compatible section of the List. Such feelings were not patriotic. He was questioning the legitimacy of the state. A grave offense.

 

The state knows best.

 

They know what was good for them, the citizens. Marriages last in their country because it was not built on the flimsy feeling of romantic love, but on the fundamentals that made people work and stay together for life.

 

Yunho loved that about his country and the fact the leaders were always looking out for their best interest at heart. He was patriotic through and through. But, he still wanted to make his sister happy by granting her the partner she wanted and desired.

 

Junho was good to her. They were good together. They made a good couple.

 

But that was his thoughts, and the state did not think so.

 

They know best.

 

“I know it is hard, love,” their mother whispered. “But for now, it is best to—”

 

“Keep quiet?”

 

Seara was quiet and simply nodded at her eldest child as she reached for her hands.

 

Sanah evaded her mother’s elegant tan hand and shouted in agony, “There is no attention on me! Mom….I, meeting them...I….I cannot do this anymore.” She sighed, defeated.

 

“You have to.”

 

“I know!” Sanah snapped but she sighed, raking her fingers through her hair again.

 

“What do you mean by ‘cannot do this anymore’?” Their mother asked, sounding worried.

 

“Nothing. Can we talk about this later? I am tired.”

 

“Do not do anything reckless!” Her mother finally raised her voice, but it was not in anger.

 

“Do I ever!”

 

“Sanah!”

 

A chair scraped the kitchen’s floor.

 

Sanah spotted Yunho on her way out of the kitchen. She sent him a look filled with sadness. Resignation.

 

With an awkwardness descending on his chest, Yunho wondered if he should follow after her, but he decided against that.

 

Walking into the kitchen, he smiled at his sighing mother.

 

The tension obvious.

 

His father walked in a few seconds after.

 

“Can’t sleep, champ?” Jinwoo asked his son, walking to his wife he dropped a consoling kiss on her cheek.

 

“Just here for some water—juice.” He pointed at the pitcher of reddish—brown liquid by the basket of fruits that was on the small circular wooden table.

 

His mother nodded at him before she closed her eyes and massaged them and the slope of her nose.

 

Yunho could swear her eyes looked sad. Weird.

 

 

Peeking inside the designated office in his home, Yunho’s eyes met his mother’s eyes and they smiled at each other.

 

“Cannot sleep?”

 

“Haven’t tried yet. What about you?”

 

He walked in, tugging the end of the apricot orange towel that was thrown over his right shoulder. He was using it to dry his damp hair. He was fresh from the shower.

 

Seara yawned and stretched. “Just finishing some things.”

 

“Is it busy at work?”

 

It was not common to bring work home, especially for his mother.

 

She laughed. “It always is.”

 

“Well, you know what I mean.” He sipped his water, leaning against a stacked bookshelf.

 

“A bit more than usual. It is Listing season.”

 

The Listing season was when Lists are made for the upcoming graduates.

 

Something zapped through Yunho at the mention.

 

He was an upcoming graduate.

 

Clearing his throat because something hot, sticky and thick had lodged there. Yunho rolled his shoulders. “Right.”

 

“Did you forget?” Seara’s delicate eyebrows drew near.

 

Yunho quickly shook his head. “No.”

 

Of course not!

 

Sanah’s fight of two days ago with his mother replayed in his head.

 

The Listing never bothered him.

 

It still do not!

 

“Are you sure?” His mother was scowling as she regarded him.

 

He panicked.

 

Yunho could tell what his mother must be thinking.

 

The eighteen year old remembered the days leading up to Sanah’s Listing. It had been arguments after arguments. But not the screaming type of arguments. Sanah stopped having those once she turned sixteen. It was the fight of wills. The quiet banter with lots of ‘Be reasonable, love,’ and ‘Be patient’ ‘Why?’ and ‘This is all useless.’

 

He was never sure if his parents won or the state won.

 

Sanah dutifully filled out all the required forms, went to all the formality meetings, and read through her long List when she got it and settled on a few candidates she would meet when she turned twenty one, the oldest one could be before they meet their selected partner and marry. Twenty one was it.

 

Yunho did not want to be like Sanah. He would not be like her. He would make the process pinless for his parents.

 

He didn’t have a Junho.

 

“Finishing cases?” He nodded at the stack of closed folders, except for the top one, that laid next to her shiny black work laptop. He was trying to change the subject, change the heavy mood.

 

His mother entertained him by flicking a quick glance at the sheets of paper and back at her son. “Yes. The last few.”

 

“Anyone I know?” he teased. He know she could not say. It was one of the oaths she took before gaining her position. It was all confidential.

 

Chuckling, she flipped her hair back. A few weeks prior she had shortened her hair into a thick bob. Yunho thought it looked lovely on her and told her so, making her glow at his compliment.

 

“Huh. I guess you are at that age when you are interested in things like this?”

 

“Huh? What?”

 

She waved for him to come closer, while simultaneously reaching for the top drawer and pulling out a manila folder.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“Listing forms.”

 

Yunho did not know why those two words stunned him. His heart sank with panic.

 

“Formalities,” his mother added, grinning up at her tall son who was immobile. If she detected his mood change she did not comment on it. Instead, she continued, “Have you thought about what kind of a partner you would like to have?”

 

His fingers slowly formed fists and they began to tremble. He tried to hide them from her by pushing his hands behind his back.

 

He would not be like Sanah.

 

But, he wasn’t ready?

 

“Is it already time? My time?” he managed to ask, tongue thick.

 

“The sooner the better.” Her smile was kind.

 

Her response did not make this better due to numerous of reasons. 1. His panic disgusted and worried him because he should want this and he approved of this process. Yunho saw the merits in the Listing, and it worked! 2. He had yet to have a proper thought about marriage, babies, kissing, or anything that came with getting a partner. 3. He was simply not ready!

 

Was this why his sister had argued with their parent when she was presented with the forms? This choking feeling?

 

“I am not asking you to marry right now, Yunho.” She reached to pat his side. “Do not look so panicked.”

 

He coughed. She saw his consternation. !

 

“Right. I am just...surprised. I’ve...not thought about it...yet.”

 

She nodded. “Understandable. Which is why I am giving you these forms. Just look them over. It is fast approaching and I want you to really think about the kind of partner you’d like to have.”

 

Her eyes were somber as her voice, with a touch of fragility.

 

She searched for his hand and gave it a feather like squeeze. “Your father and I met when we were your age. Right after graduating. This is how it is.”

 

Right. He knew that and loved that about Peyisivil.

 

But, why could he not stop thinking about the painful weight in his lower belly, that look in his sister's eyes, and Jaejoong’s crooked smile.

 

What did he, Jaejoong, have to do with this? Nothing!

 

Dragging his hand down his face to clear his internal turmoil, Yunho sighed. “Right.”

 

It all was right.

 

“Hey.” Seara jiggled her son’s calloused fingers. “Are you okay, love?”

 

“Yeah.” He forced a sugary smile. She didn’t buy it. “I’ll just take this and get it to you...soon.” He reached for the folder.

 

“Most of the candidates will be from your school and this prefecture.”

 

That was not as consoling as it was intended.

 

She saw his reluctance. That was not acceptable.

 

“I know.” Another blinding smile.

 

His fears were nothing like his sister’s. At least he wasn’t dating anyone or had anyone he loved and desired. That would be a disaster. The thought felt like a lie.

 

“Great. Take your time.”

 

“I will.” Glancing around, he freed his hand. “Good night. Do not stay up too late.”

 

“I am done, actually.”

 

“Good. Good night, momma.”

 

“Sweet dreams, love.”

 

Up in his room, rotating in slow motion on his desk chair, periodically throwing confused glances at the folder he heaped carelessly on his messy desk, Yunho tried to wade through his perplexing feelings.

 

Why was he losing his ?

 

He knew it was coming. He had been prepared.

 

He had never dated before, nor felt the tingly feelings Sanah said she felt for Junho tree years ago when he had angrily demanded from her why she was being so unreasonable and upsetting their parents so much.

 

The realization that he’ve never dated made Yunho take a pause and mentally stepped back for a moment.

 

How come he’ve never taken interest in anyone?

 

Yunho knew some of his friends have dated before. Many of them have had little love interest in the opposite over the years. He’ve been privy to the black market ographic magazines and have chuckled over them like the prepubescent little boy he had been and internally remained when it concerned and the opposite gender. However, he had had never looked at a girl and thought he wanted her in any way shape or form.

 

Was that normal?

 

Yunho would have said his feelings were normal if it were a month ago because it made the Listing so much easier to deal with. Now, however, he was wondering if he was missing out on something and his friends, like Sungyeol and Jaejoong, had someone who they thought about as much as Sanah thought of Junho.

 

Jaejoong with his timid smiles and noncommittal blunt remarks, did he have someone?

 

The thought made Yunho feel weird.

 

Jaejoong. Jaejoong. Kim Jaejoong. Singer Kim.

 

Jaejoong.

 

Tilting his head back, he twisted his chair around faster.

 

“Argh!”

 

Gripping the edge of his desk he abruptly stopped.

 

Something Yunho had not wanted to analyze bombarded him.

 

The first night he and his classmates went to the pond, he had told Jaejoong he wanted to swim with him and Jaejoong’s expression had changed.

 

Yunho could have sworn if they were in more light he would have seen the pale teen's cheeks, nape, and ears filled with color. What he was certain of, however, was the way Jaejoong’s eyes had darkened with gratification.

 

The thought he made Jaejoong flustered pleased him. And at that moment, Yunho had found Jaejoong impossibly handsome. But, not in the way he thought Myungsoo or any of this other friends.

 

The slight difference had surprised him enough to make his tongue work faster than his brain. He almost told Jaejoong he was handsome, but caught himself soon enough to lie and said he had hairy legs. The thoughtless comment made him look at his friend's legs and Yunho found then that Jaejoong had beautiful calves, all firm and smooth—though hairy. He wondered what it would feel like to run his hand there and trace Jaejoong’s glorious calf with his finger tips.

 

Yunho was not sure how to feel at such thoughts, quite frankly.

 

Sitting up, he decided to flip through the questionnaires.

 

The questions were things he had never thought of before.

 

Marriage was something he always thought would happen in due time. He had been looking forward to it as he looked forward to graduation, going to university, moving to the capital, and getting a driving permit, though he doubt he would ever buy a car—they were extremely expensive and was not needed to travel in Peyisil when they had such an extensive train system. It was a rite of passage. A stop at the road of life. Something that would naturally happen because that’s how their country operated and he loved and appreciated it that way.

 

So, why was he hesitating now?

 

He wondered about his parent’s marriage. It happened how his was to occur.

 

Did they love each other? Had they loved each other?

 

He had never dwelled on the nature of his parents’ relationship, but he had always thought, foolishly enough, that there might be love. A love that overtook friendship and comfort and rested in the ‘romantic love’ area.

 

He know they were compatible with each other. There was a deep intimacy and commitment—it was obvious in the way they treated each other and the respect they both exuded for the other. However, he was not certain of the passion. All three were needed for love.

 

His father once told him they decided to marry after ten meetings.

 

Yunho’s friends have never talked about marriage and children, though they’ve made comments on the aesthetics of their female classmates and celebrities.

 

Sungyeol and Myungsoo...for the life of him, Yunho could not see them apart or with partners and children. He’ve never seen them apart since he became their friends at six. Even the thought of separation made him feel wrong. Yunho wondered why he felt that way?

 

Heejun was too childish, he could not see him as a dad. Jihun was also too childish and needlessly aggressive. He could see him dating, but not married with children and being responsible.

 

Yunho wondered why he’ve never asked them about...their love interests—if they had any? They must have, or maybe they were like him, too focused on enjoying now, and being alive and young, and a citizen of Peyisivil. Soaking up the summer sun, enjoying making new friends and smiling everyday.

 

The questions were simple in nature, but they made Yunho think.

 

What did he want in a partner? What would he liked for her to look like? Personality? Character? Could he spend his days with her? What would they talk about? Interests?

 

He shared common interest with all of his friends, but what did they talk about?

 

Jaejoong. What do they talk about when they were together?

 

He loved spending time with him and always parted ways with him on cloud nine?

 

What did he want?

 

“A girl who can make me laugh and laugh at my lame jokes. There.”

 

 

“Changmin, I have a question for you.”

 

“Shoot,” the sweating male said, wiping salty water off his forehead and upper lip with the hem of his shirt.

 

They were breaking for lunch.

 

“Your List—”

 

“What about that thing? It’s so far off. I don’t have time to think about it.”

 

Yunho simply stared at one of his oldest friends, a bit aggravated at the fact the male had not allowed him to explain himself.

 

“Is there anyone you like?” he decided to just go and shoot.

 

His friend flinched and paused, blinking his clumped, dark eyelashes at him. “What about it?”

 

Yunho shrugged, holding Changmin’s questioning gaze. “Just wondering, given the List is around the corner. Right around.”

 

The corner of Changmin’s lips lifted and he fixed his YI hat, maximizing his eye protection.

 

Just as he was about to say something, Sungyeol joined them, making a grand, boisterous entrance. “I heard something about the List. What about it? Have you been given your List, Yunho? Isn’t that too soon? We’re not even seniors yet?”

 

“Sungyeol, a question at a time.” Yunho laughed at his hyper friend.

 

“Okay.” He rolled his eyes, but leaned against a sturdy Yunho for support. “Have you—”

 

Yunho interrupted. “Nothing. No. No. Umm...no..yes?” Yunho lightly scowled at his last answer.

 

“No to what?”

 

“Your questions.”

 

“Ooh. I forgot them.” Sungyeol laughed, mouth wide open.

 

Yunho also laughed, pushing a sweaty Sungyeol off him. “Of course.”

 

Changmin put an arm on Sungyeol’s shoulder, steering him to face him. “Is there anyone you are romantically interested in? That’s what Yunho was asking me.”

 

Sungyeol broke into a smile, spinning at the speed of light toward Yunho.

 

Yunho wondered if he got whiplashed.

 

“Yunho!” he screeched, eyes flashing. “Who is the lucky—or unlucky, depending on how you see it—girl? I never thought—” he paused and swallowed. Yunho glared at him at his snide remark, but that did not deter his friend who continued at the same pacing. “I thought such human emotions were beneath you? You’ve never shown interest. I thought you were too patriotic and were simply waiting for the Listing?”

 

Patriotic. That word rang loudly.

 

“Dating is not illegal. How could that be unpatriotic?”

 

“That’s all you heard from my million questions?” Sungyeol pouted.

 

“It is not.” Changmin added, “However, romantic love is...somewhat illegal.”

 

“How can you make love illegal?” Myungsoo posited, joining his small group of friends.

 

Yunho and Changmin noticed something unusual. Sungyeol switched sides, getting far away from Myungsoo as was possible. That was not normal.

 

Sungyeol should have gone up to Myungsoo and glued his body against his, that was normal. That was the way of things. It was the law of things—like the law of gravity.

 

Changmin shared an amused, quizzical glance with Yunho who shrugged.

 

“Right.” Yunho said, clearing his throat and nodded at Changmin, signalling that he wanted him to ask the duo what was wrong between the them.

 

“You two fighting?”

 

Changmin had no tact, Yunho thought, hiding his grin.

 

Sungyeol shook his head, lashes low, casting shadows on his tan, rosy cheeks. “Why would we fight? People who gives a fight about—others’ feelings fight. He doesn’t.” His voice was strained.

 

Both Yunho and Myungsoo picked up on the fact Sungyeol caught himself from using a specific word, reason for the pause. Changmin did not, for he was too amused by the two fighting.

 

It was difficult to find them fighting. Especially a fight that appeared like it would last for a while and brought genuine pain to Sungyeol's eyes.

 

Sungyeol freed his body from Yunho, who he had gone back to after being pushed away, and walked away shouting at the top of his lungs at a group of his friends, “Dongwoo, Hoyah, wait up for me!” He started running.

 

The trio looked at his receding back, the sun casting him in a glow of hot, bright light.

 

The two teens looked at Myungsoo, who released his imprisoned bottom lip and exhaled. “So, what were you two talking about?”

 

Yunho shook his head.

 

Changmin answered. “Yunho was being weird. He wanted to know if I’ve been presented with the List yet and if I have anyone I am interested in. You, Myungsoo?”

 

A dark look waltzed over Myungsoo’s clean cut, cool features. He collected himself and mumbled, “I’ve been called in for an interview.”

 

“Wait, what?” Both of his friends shouted in unison.

 

He nodded. “It’s nothing serious—yet. Just formalities. You know, to make the list. You two?”

 

Yunho felt the need to connect with Myungsoo because the boy almost looked...desperate to not be the only one.

 

Is the listing...wrong?

 

“Yeah. You know my mother is a...Anyways. I have the questionnaire—a formality.”

 

“I guess I am the only one who thought I—we—had time.” Changmin mumbled, voice the perfect combination of longing and alarm, drawing in his bottom lip to it thoughtfully.

 

All three took on a dark expression.

 

“I am hungry, let’s go eat.” Changmin quickly added after a terse silence descended among them.

 

“Right. It’s lunch time.”

 

Seeing Jaejoong lifted Yunho’s spirit, but something still bothered him.

 

Myungsoo and Sungyeol continued on ignoring each other, though it was more of Sungyeol’s fault than Myungsoo’s, who was trying his hardest to talk to his friend.

 

Yunho did not worry, he knew they would make up soon.

 

Changmin completely forgot about the List from the way he was rambling to Mino and Juhli, who he was making laugh at the top of her lungs when she was not tapping at Yunho, trying to get him to talk or crack a smile and engage in the conversation.

 

He just was not in the mood.

 

Jaejoong was a singer, not a writer. But he wanted to try writing. He wanted to write his feelings down in a form he liked and understood. He thought maybe it would help him decipher them. Clear up his mind.

 

With each words he scribbled he mumbled sing it, pause, look it over, and erased it.

 

He could not grasp the words he wanted. They fluttered around him, rested on his tongue, inspired him, to then quickly disappear. He was failing at this exercise.

 

“I want to visit a domaine!” Lieah exclaimed, forking a piece of mango into .

 

Sitting at the kitchen table, he tried to pour his confusion down on paper while his mother, Kim Yoojung, and older sister discussed a possible road trip. He stopped writing to tapped his pen against the notebook.

 

“We should do it.” His mother agreed.

 

Yoojung was the opposite of her daughter, equally as beautiful, if not more so, but gracefully charming. She must have broken many a hearts during her non—partnered days.

 

Jaejoong favored his mother the most. He was her male duplicate. Which was why he could not refuted that he somewhat looked feminine. Lately, the notion had hurt less, becoming more attractive. He wanted Yunho to look at him as…

 

Shaking his head, he frowned, focusing on his mother.

 

It was better if he never finished that thought.

 

He snagged a floating string of words and scribbled them on the paper in messy handwriting: Expectations best left unmade.

 

He hated it and drew a neat black line over it.

 

He placed his pen on the messy page and stared at his sister and mother, letting their voices calmed him down.

 

“I need a break from work.” The older woman exhaled, stretching her arms over her small, dark head. She looked as beautiful at her tired state as she did in her rested, refreshed state.

 

“During National Respite week,” Lieah suggested.

 

“That would be perfect.”

 

National Respite Day was the week after the Fire Festival, when people that held corporate and government jobs get a week long break.

 

Lieah stopped talking and looked over at her pensive brother. Smiling, she asked, “Hey there, what are you writing?”

 

He looked over at her. “Nothing much.”

 

She wiggled her dark eyebrows at him. “Nothing, huh?” She grinned, snapping her fingers as if she just had an epiphany. “Mom, I think I know what is wrong with Jaejoong.”

 

“Something’s wrong with me?” he asked, surprised they had been talking behind his back.

 

His sister nodded. “He is in love.”

 

“Mother nature, no!” the lady exclaimed, her eyes filling with dark emotions her son could not decipher. “I already have my hands full with trying to choose a marriage candidate for him! I cannot have this horrid process be complicated with a teenage love affair.”

 

Jaejoong frowned. “Already?”

 

“That is when these things usually start,” Lieah offered, her voice trying to suppress an emotion that intrigued Jaejoong. She quickly smiled at her brother and said, “You should be happy. Momma will get you a pretty girl. Someone who suits you perfectly.”

 

“Ooh, I see,” he mumbled, dropping his face.

 

Lieah was still single and at home. Why did he have to think about such matters when she didn’t have to?

 

The teen didn’t feel like writing anymore.

 

“I think someone with fire suits Jaejoong more,” his mother said, cupping her cheek with a quizzical expression, looking intently at her son.

 

“I guess.” He shrugged looking away from her.

 

He knew he had time. His brother was not married yet, but he soon would be. Seungjun was courting his betrothal and they planned to get married sometime next year.

 

His mother would have to go through a list of candidates and he will have to meet numerous of girls before he could decide on one. Plus, that one he will select will also have to like him. But still, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Adulthood was scary.

 

“No.” Lieah shook her head. “I see Jaejoong with someone like himself.”

 

“Opposites attract,” Yoojung added.

 

“Noted.”

 

Jaejoong didn’t like sitting around and hearing the two female in his household discussed his future marriage like that. Looking up he asked, “Why are you not...getting married, Li?”

 

She laughed at the sudden question. “I do not have to.”

 

Before he could expression his confusion at her declaration. their mother did damage control. “She is—will get married. Plans are being made as we speak.”

 

Lieah rolled her eyes, shrugged and laughed. “I guess I am.”

 

Strange. It all was strange. Lieah’s behavior, his mother’s behavior and vocal tone. Very strange.

 

“Of course you are!” her mother snapped, glaring accustorily at her.

 

Lieah did not seem to care. She gave the older woman a toothy grin and a careless shrug.

 

“Don’t say weird things to the child.”

 

Jaejoong ventured at his sister’s defense. “I am fine. I know she was joking.” He omitted ‘I am not a child.’

 

“That!” Lieah snapped her fingers in her brother’s direction. “He knows I am a practical jokester. We all get married in Peyisivil.” Her tone held a hint of darkness and something else. Displeasure? Sarcasm? Bitterness? Defiance? Jaejoong could not place it.

 

To elevate the tension in the room between the two women, Jaejoong lifted his head, inhaled, and smiled at  his mother. “I am not in love with anyone.”

 

That drew her attention to him.

 

“I do not even think I can...love,” he muttered, his voice so low that his words were almost indistinct.

 

His sister laughed and gave her eyes a flourished roll. Her voice held a bit of cynicism. “Of course you can. You are just a dreamer waiting to fall in love with your wife.”

 

He pictured a smiling Yunho, which he quickly squashed.