PART II

iv. Rain

Memories come down when it rains, spreading pain

Watching you as you get soaked

Clear in that moment,

wet with memories

I think of you when you were beautiful in the rain”

 

JESSICA

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Jessica lets her phone slip from her hand and drop unceremoniously next to her, landing with a dull thwack onto the cool leather of the couch. She hadn't seen her sister since the day she had gone over to Taeyeon's dorm and cooked an almost burnt pan of kimchi bokkeumbap for the hungry idols.

 

It seemed they had still made no progress on the Taeyeon situation.

 

Jessica dials her sister's number again.

 

Krystal answers on the third ring and her sister's voice is devoid of its usual cheeriness, and air of familiarity, compounded by her impersonal greeting.

 

"Unnie."

 

"Hi Krystal."

 

"Mum and dad are back tonight, I'll see you at dinner."

 

The words are delivered in an abrupt manner, leaving Jessica reeling from the coldness of her sister’s voice. Their fights rarely evolved to this stage. A feeling of hurt streaks across her chest, cutting a line of pain as sharp as Krystal’s voice. Even when they were growing up—although fights were inevitable due to their stubborn personalities—their disagreements resolved as quickly as they arose. The two of them always had an understanding—a bond that transcended the trivialities of whatever it was they were fighting about—and it had always been enough to dissolve the tension between them into fits of laughter at their own silliness.

 

All they needed to do was just talk.

 

And for some reason, it felt like they couldn’t.

 

Maybe she had been gone too long and in her absence, something had given way and fallen away, leaving an imperfection in their bond.

 

Jessica’s left wondering what else had changed so easily without her notice.

 

"Krystal, wait."

 

"Unnie. I'm busy right now."

 

"Oh." The short syllable is all Jessica lets slip out from . The words she wants to say are snuffed out at her sister's reply, dying on her lips, and leaving her voice sounding flat and plain. "See you tonight then."

 

She hears Krystal mumble a goodbye and then she’s met with the incessant beeping of the dial tone.

 

Jessica’s mind swims, plagued with disordered thoughts of her tense relationship with Krystal, of Taeyeon and of Blanc. Not wanting to address the former two problems which were headache inducing, Jessica turns her attention to the third.

 

At least she knew where to start with Blanc.

 

Jessica picks up her phone with renewed determination, and her face wears a steeled expression, solely focused on business, and now devoid of the turbulent emotions that resided in there moments prior.

 

"Hey Hyo? It's Jessica, any important updates on your end?"

 

"Hey Jessica, thought I'd never hear from you again, seeing as you've ditched me and by now you’re all settled down in Korea." Hyoyeon jokes, her usually raspy voice taking on a lighter quality.

 

An easy smile makes itself comfortable on Jessica’s face and she shakes her head at Hyoyeon’s teasing. Her business partner never failed to amuse her.

 

"Answer the question Hyo. So I know you haven’t accidentally sold your half of Blanc or released the Fall collection in Winter." Jessica teases in retaliation.

 

"Jessi, do you really have that little faith in little old me?” Jessica can hear the pout in Hyoyeon’s voice, full of mock hurt and playful whining.

 

“You do realise you’re in charge of running everything whilst I’m away from the US? Hyo, you know I wouldn’t be able to think about venturing out to the Korean market if it were anyone else but you leading everything?”

 

“Touché.” Hyoyeon pauses and her voice switches instantly into what Jessica was knew as her ‘business’ voice; firm and professional. “Jokes aside, it's all good. I was just about to send over a copy of the quarterly financial report. Profits are within the expected margins.”

 

Jessica nods along, always glad to hear good news and she knows Hyoyeon shares her sentiment. It hadn’t always been this smooth.

 

“We’ve also been approached by Eclare, they were interested in doing a possible collaboration for something for the coming Winter. This is a good opportunity to showcase our work on the runways. You have any more sketches, Jessi?”

 

Jessica looks to the table by the couch she was currently sitting on, and her eyes drift to the stack of drawings sitting under an open sketchbook. A sheet of paper wedged haphazardly into her sketchbook catches her eye. It’s out of place, a different shade of white and a different thickness to the paper of her sketchbook. Jessica reaches across, stretching out an arm to pick up her sketchbook and pull out the paper.

 

Her brows crease as she registers the definitive pencil lines that were not her work.

 

Jessica’s face stares back at her from the page.

 

Long faint lines define her eyes and carefully detail her eyelashes, bringing out a life-like quality that gleams from the page. is curved into a small soft smile, guided by gentle lines and her hair tousled, courtesy of a few haphazard of pencil, as if touched by a light breeze.

 

The sketch is small, only occupying a quarter of the page but, as she brings the drawing closer for inspection, she finds its captured a moment of motion—so full of life that not even the page could contain its energy—and Jessica almost expects the lines to spill over the edges of the page, bleeding into the tangible world.

 

-Kim Taeyeon

 

For a moment, she’s rendered breathless, in awe.

 

Was this how Taeyeon saw her?

Stop Jessica, there is no point in overanalysing, it's just a drawing.

 

“Jessica?”

 

"Oh, um, sorry, spaced out.”

 

Jessica shakes away the thoughts of the blonde idol, the drawing of her and the signature scratched out under it. “I have been designing a new collection actually. Although, they might be more suited to the Korean market, considering they are inspired by elements of Korean fashion but I’ll scan and send them over tomorrow."

 

"Okay, I'll take a look. Have you settled down in Korea though?" The question is asked in a harmlessly teasing manner, but nevertheless there’s an underlying seriousness—a hint of concern—that Jessica hears in her colleague’s voice and she knows that Hyoyeon’s asking how she was adjusting.

 

"Korea’s really different, but different isn’t necessarily bad, I guess.”

 

It was far from bad.

 

Between reacquainting herself with the language, culture and the city, Jessica’s found herself with the best company in the group of ridiculously playful idols.

 

And Taeyeon.

 

And Donghae—Jessica reminds herself—who had asked her out to dinner.

 

If only she could figure out how to mend things with Krystal…

 

Jessica sighs.

 

“I’ve been back here every summer but it’s different when you’re actually living here for a longer period. Every day, I find just how much American culture I’ve picked up.”

 

Hyoyeon hums in agreement. As a fellow Korean-American, the other blonde could sympathise with Jessica’s thoughts.

 

There’s a lull in their conversation as Jessica remains pensive.

 

"Anyone catch your eye?" Hyoyeon says lightly, breaking Jessica out from her trance.

 

"What? No..." Jessica closes her eyes, pressing the palms of her hands against her eyelids. Her thoughts betray her, and images of a blonde-haired idol flicker into view behind her eyelids, bright and persistent. Jessica shoves the thoughts aside, pushing harder against her eyelids until all she can see is the strobing of bright lights.

 

"Then why are you stuttering?"

 

"I'm not! Bad connection? Static?" Jessica hastily denies, struggling to find an excuse, whether for Hyoyeon or for herself she’s not so sure.

 

"Hmm... sure. By the way, you should check the tabloids."

 

Jessica freezes, a sliver of anxiety streaks through her, it was never a good for anyone to appear in the tabloids. They were full of articles and photos written and taken by individuals that preyed on celebrities, feeding hungry gossip mongers and hateful judgemental people.

 

What if Taeyeon had been seen frequenting her apartment?

 

The thought Taeyeon’s name smeared across the front cover, the ugly lies and the slew of hateful comments that would surely follow, grips her with an irrational fear. The dread drops her stomach and her heartbeat thuds in her ears. Worry about her own involvement, only comes as an afterthought, eclipsed by her concern for Taeyeon. 

 

Hyoyeon continues, on the other side of the phone, unaware of the building panic within Jessica.

 

"You've been spotted with your sister a few times."

 

The words register in her brain and Jessica let’s go of a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. Air floods into her lungs, accompanying by the relief that washes over her.

 

"Oh." Jessica says, her fear slowly releasing its grip on her body and being expelled with every breath, carried away by air.

 

“It means the public is definitely interested in you and your work. It is good for our business prospects...but it means you’ll be troubled as a result. Please take care, Jess.”

 

Jessica hears a faint voice then rustling sound on the other end of the line and she senses their conversation was coming to an end.

 

"Thanks Hyo, I will. Send me over the report and if Eclare contacts us with more details with regards to the collaboration. Send those through as well."

 

"Sure thing, Jessica. I've got to go, meeting soon. Good luck with your meet tomorrow with that Mr Park? If it all goes well, we'll be looking at an official launch soon. I'll talk to you soon, take care!"

 

"You too Hyo, enjoy those meetings without me."

 

"I wish you'd get back here quicker, so I don't have to suffer them alone."

 

"I miss you too, you sap."

 

Hyoyeon chuckles and huffs in mock irritation.

 

"Bye Jessica. I'm hanging up now."

/

Her mother engulfs her in a hug the moment the door opens, and Jessica let's herself be temporarily transported back to her childhood and remembers how it felt to be in the comfort of her mother's embrace.

 

The older woman pulls back, examining her from head to toe, seemingly concerned for even the slightest hair out of place.

 

"Are you eating well honey? Aigoo, you are looking thin! I hope you are taking care of yourself over in the States..."

 

"I'm fine, mom, really." Jessica says, trying to avoid drawing her mother's concern. She perks up when she finds a good topic to distract her mother with. "How was your trip to Japan?"

 

"Oh, it was great ! Krystal said it was beautiful when she went, and that she got to see spring in full bloom. We decided to stay a bit longer to see if we could catch a glimpse of that sort of scenery."

 

Her mother talked animatedly, the excitement evidently had not worn off yet.

 

"Aren't you tired mom? You and dad should be resting tonight not feeding us hungry kids."

 

"Nonsense. I haven't seen you in so long." looks behind her, as if expecting Krystal to step out of Jessica's parked car at any moment. "Where's your sister?"

 

"I don't know but she should be here anytime now."

 

Her mother frowns, but if there was any indication that the two siblings were fighting, her mother doesn't push for answers.

 

"Let's wait for her inside then. Your dad's reading his novels in the living room, dinner's already cooking on the stove right now."

 

Her mother turns and Jessica follows her into the house, greeting her father with a bright smile as she walks past the living room on her way to the kitchen where her mother had disappeared off to.

 

"Mom, can I help with anything?"

 

"Jessica, didn't I say you should stay out of the kitchen, sometimes I worry that you'll set something on fire." Her mother teases her, shooing her away from said room and Jessica can't help but relent as she's eventually shoved out of the room.

 

"But Mom... I'm slightly better now! I made kimchi bokkeumbap for my friends without setting anything on fire the other day."

 

Her mother actually looks surprised, her eyebrows raising high on her forehead and eyes widening as the older woman freezes. Jessica's not sure if she should laugh at the comically expression her mother sported or be offended be her mother's lack of faith in her culinary skills.

 

"These friends of yours, they trusted you enough?! I need to meet them and warn them about their safety." The corner of her mother's eye crinkle as she smiles at Jessica.

 

"One of them, Taeyeon, is said to be even worse than me...so I think the bar's set pretty low." Jessica says wryly, grinning as she thinks of the story of Taeyeon's burnt toast. It never failed to amuse her, especially when she'd personally seen the idols incompetence in person.

 

The doorbell rings.

 

Jessica knows Krystal's arrived and she's caught between feeling excited to see her sister and apprehensive from having to face the tension of their relationship in person where it'd be a tangible entity, hanging in the air; suffocating.

 

Was Krystal really mad at her for being friends with Taeyeon? Or was it something else she had done, maybe she'd been making the wrong assumption the whole time?

 

Jessica pads down the hallway, opening the door, she finds herself face to face with her sister, an impassive expression on the other's face.

 

So nothing had changed after all.

/

"Krystal."

 

Her sister halts, and stands statue-like and tall; a model of perfect proportions.

 

"Are you really mad at me about Taeyeon...?"

 

"I'm not mad."

 

"You seem like it."

 

"I'm disappointed."

 

"Oh." There it is again, the one word response that she'd been using so often lately. It was substitute for surprise, both feigned and genuine and for the words she wants to say but can't.

 

Disappointed.

 

It could've been worse, Jessica reasons to herself. Disappointed was better than mad.

 

"I went on a date with Donghae."

 

Jessica blurts out as Krystal makes a move to leave, cutting through the suffocating silence that had blanketed them.

 

Her sister stops again, this time, she turns towards Jessica and a genuine interest flickers in Krystal's eyes. Brown eyes regard her quietly for a moment, free of the coldness that had seemed to permanently reside in them. When Krystal speaks, her voice comes out hesitant.

 

"How was it?"

 

"It was nice."

 

It had been nice.

 

They had dinner at a restaurant half an hour out from her place and Donghae had been really sweet. They had shared a plate of dessert, its sugary sweetness melting on her tongue, a perfect reflection of the man she'd shared it with.

 

But she hadn't been thinking about him and even now, the memories feel inconsequential; pleasant but without a flicker of importance.

 

In fact, even on the date she hadn't been thinking of him.

 

She had been thinking of Taeyeon—ever since their almost kiss out on the balcony, the blonde wouldn't leave her mind.

 

But if dating Donghae meant keeping Krystal in her life, then she could only accept the sliver of peace the unfair situation offered her. Jessica didn't have a choice in the matter.

 

Nothing could happen with Taeyeon.

 

Taeyeon was unexpected and unpredictable, full of the unknown, and with her fame came restricting conditions—she was an idol, a public representation of perfection.

 

Jessica swallows the lump in as thoughts of slandering headlines and hateful comments resurface.

 

Nothing could happen with Taeyeon.

 

"I'm happy for you." Krystal says, her face finally breaking into a smile, and with the small gesture--one that Jessica had sorely missed--Jessica finds that she can forget ache in her chest, but only temporarily.

 

Jessica turns her head away from her sister's gaze, mouth contorting into a sardonic smile at Krystal's words. She felt like she was choosing between her right arm and her left; patching up her relationship with Krystal at the cost of whatever she had and could have with Taeyeon. Jessica scoffs internally at twisted situation she had gotten herself into and suddenly Krystal's offered smile tastes bittersweet.

 

"Would you be able to model for Blanc?"

 

Wanting to avoid further talk about Taeyeon or Donghae, Jessica changes the topic. 

 

Maybe she was a hypocrite, maybe she was the reason why they couldn't just talk things out.

 

"When? I'll clear my schedule."

 

Except they had talked.

 

They were back to being sisters again and she had Krystal back.

 

But since when did restoring their relationship have to come at the cost of something else?