PART II

iii. Don’t Forget

“If you and me become estranged someday

If we could never meet each other

Don’t forget Don’t lose

Even if you are holding other’s hand

If you are at somewhere I cannot go

Don’t forget Don’t lose”

TAEYEON

The night air is chilly as expected for a cool autumn night and Taeyeon finds herself out alone, slightly inebriated on the balcony again. Things have changed since then. Tiffany's stopped cornering her, accosting her with concerned eyes, she's gotten closer with her group members and she's even managed to release an album.

 

"Taengoo?"

 

The voice is familiar yet unfamiliar. Sweet, airy and slightly groggy from alcohol, and the affection in it sends a shiver running down her spine. In her slightly intoxicated state, Taeyeon lazily turns her head over her shoulder. Her eyes squint against the faint light streaming out from inside, and she finds herself acquainted with the silhouette of Jessica Jung.

 

"What's got you so immersed in your thoughts out here all by yourself, Taengoo?"

 

Jessica pads over to her, and leans against the railing, bracing her arms against the cool metal. Taeyeon's reminded of her conversation with Yoona out on the balcony and of the gaping hole in her chest.

 

"Just thinking about stuff in general."

 

Jessica hums in reply, staring into the distance, an equally pensive and distant look in her eyes.

 

Taeyeon's eyes linger on Jessica's profile, her sharp attractive features glow in the dim light, her perfect jawline line accentuated by the shadows, and she's pulled back into her thoughts about how things have changed. It's not Yoona that has followed her out, but Jessica. And despite how minor the difference seemed, to Taeyeon it felt like everything had been turned upside down, rearranged and maybe, somewhere along the way the gaping hole had been filled.

 

"You're supposed to be celebrating."

 

Jessica says abruptly, pushing off the railing and turning to face Taeyeon.

 

"I am."

 

The fashion designer raises an eyebrow, pointing at the other girls inside still attempting to drunkenly sing along to Taeyeon's new album.

 

"That is called celebrating."

 

"Hey! This is how I celebrate." Taeyeon says defensively, her nose wrinkling as off-key voices float to her ears. For a group of idols, their singing, when drunk, was atrocious and she wonders if alcohol can render someone temporarily tone deaf.

 

Jessica seems to share her opinion and Taeyeon watches as the other girl cringes at Yoona's failed high note.

 

"Is that why you're out here?" Taeyeon asks knowingly.

 

Jessica grins sheepishly.

 

A cool breeze ruffles Jessica's brown hair, sending a shiver running through the girl’s body. Taeyeon notices goosebumps on the other’s arms as Jessica wraps her arms around herself, trying to fend off the cold. Without thinking, the idol shuffles closer, holding out an arm and offering to share her body heat. When Taeyeon realises what she had just done, she almost retracts her arm in embarrassment, but Jessica's already moving into her embrace—cool skin making contact with Taeyeon's—and they huddle together, settling into a comfortable silence.

 

"Do you ever feel like something's not right in your life?" Jessica asks after a moment, moving closer to Taeyeon, her arm loosely wrapping itself around the idol’s waist.

 

"Like you're incomplete?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"To be honest," Taeyeon looks back at her group members, still playing around inside the dorm, their happy laughter floating out onto the quiet of balcony, "Yes, but I couldn’t tell anyone. It would've been selfish to burden them with my problems and make them worry."

 

"And now?"

 

"Not so much."

 

Taeyeon answers honestly, finding herself free of the gaping emptiness that had plagued her thoughts, holding her captive for so long. Somewhere along the track, the feeling had vaporised; vanished, like it had never existed in the first place; a figment of her imagination.

 

"Thank you, Taengoo."

 

Jessica states out of the blue, allowing her head drop and rest against Taeyeon's shoulder, the smell of her shampoo lingers in the air. Sparks of electricity jump through Taeyeon's body at the unexpected contact.

 

"What for?"

 

"Inviting me and getting me front row seats."

 

"How else would I have known that you actually turned up."

 

Taeyeon feels as though Jessica was thanking her for something else entirely, but what exactly, she was not sure. So, instead she jokes, deflecting her thoughts, preventing them from dwelling.

 

"You know I would've turned up."

 

"I know."

 

Jessica shifts in her embrace, turning so they were now face to face, noses almost brushing. Their gazes lock once again, and Jessica's eyes are transparently clear, seemingly feel of the haze of alcohol, bright and gleaming even in the dim light.

 

"I liked your song."

 

Jessica's warm breath brushes against her face, ghosting across her lips and the compliment feels like a confession of a different kind.

 

"Mmm? You did?" Taeyeon mumbles, her mind suddenly foggy from something other than the alcohol coursing through her system. Images of a rain soaked Jessica Jung, looking at her with wide eyes, involuntarily invade her thoughts and she swallows thickly.

 

"And I like your voice." Jessica continues, almost inaudibly, tone low and soft, skirting on the edge of something dangerous.

 

The air crackles around them. They were pushing the boundaries, toeing the line between friends and something more; entering a grey area filled with uncertainty.

 

Taeyeon's hand reaches up and gently brushes a strand of loose hair away from Jessica's face, fingers grazing her soft skin and she feels Jessica's breathing hitch from the contact.

 

"Taeyeon..."

 

Jessica looks at her through thick lashes, eyes dark. The two syllables of her name slide off her tongue, impossibly soft and light, hanging in the air between them.

 

Taeyeon’s gaze drops, flickering to pink lips, wet and slightly parted in anticipation.

 

The idol bites her own lip, swallowing thickly. The smell of Jessica's perfume, her intensely dark eyes and the sound of her uneven, almost ragged breathing, makes Taeyeon feel lightheaded, sending her thoughts into disarray.

 

"Sica..."

 

It comes out all breathy, and almost needy; a plea. But beneath all the breathlessness of desire, there's an edge of warning in Taeyeon's tone; a reminder to the two of them that they were not just any two ordinary individuals.

 

Their actions would have consequences and neither were ready to face them yet.

 

Jessica sharply inhales, hastily averting her eyes. She pulls away, distancing herself from Taeyeon, eyes fluttering shut and body going rigid against the idol’s.

 

"Sica...?"

 

The name is called softly, full of tentative hesitation, bearing no resemblance to the way it had been utter moments ago; breathless with reverence. Taeyeon feels guilt crawling under her skin and settling there, seeping into her bones.

 

Jessica remains mute and they are both silent save for the steady rhythm of their quiet breaths.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

After what seems like an eternity, Taeyeon feels Jessica relax again. Her head is still turned away and dark shadows dance over her cheekbones.

 

"I--Sorry."

 

Jessica finally says, breaking the silence. Her voice sounds small and vulnerable, and her eyes are full of hesitancy.

 

"Why are you apologising?"

The question tumbles out before Taeyeon can stop herself. Taeyeon curses at herself when she realises—stomach dropping and throat dry—that she was afraid to

hear Jessica's answer.

 

"I don't know."

 

Jessica says, her eyes clouded over with turmoil—seemingly fighting something within herself—and her confusion bleeds into her voice. Taeyeon feels a strange feeling of relief wash over her at Jessica’s response, and as quickly as it comes, it disappears, stranding her alone with just guilt again.

 

Her mind scrambles to unjumble her thoughts and form a coherent sentence but before she can say anything else to Jessica, Yoona stumbles out on the balcony, eyeing the two of them disapprovingly.

 

"What are you two doing moping out here?"

 

Yoona's voice is loud, out of place in the quiet world they had built for themselves, a world of whispers, and quiet breaths interlaced with comfortable silence.

 

Beside her, Jessica flinches at the volume.

 

"Just talking, Yoong."

 

Yoona pauses midstep, her brows furrow, and her eyes are suddenly serious.

 

"Like that time we talked out here?" Yoona asks, words heavy with meaning.

 

Jessica turns to look between the two idols questioningly, a crease forming between her eyebrows and her lips pulled thin.

 

"Yeah, something like that."

 

Taeyeon says dismissively, gesturing vaguely with her hand, trying to ignore the strange feeling building in her chest.

 

"We worry about you because we care for you, Taeng."

 

"I know, Yoong."

 

Taeyeon says quietly, a barely audible murmur.

 

Jessica slowly pushes off from the railing.

 

"I'm going to head back inside, I need some water. I'll leave the two of you to talk?"

 

The brunette smiles at Yoona as she moves past the taller girl, heading towards the open door leading back into the dorm and does not glance back at Taeyeon.

 

Yoona sidles up next to her, face still flushed from alcohol and settles into the space where Jessica had occupied moments prior.

 

"Did I do something wrong?"

The taller idol says lowly, frown etched onto her face as she looks at Taeyeon, puzzled at Jessica's abrupt exit.

 

Taeyeon watches Jessica's retreating figure disappear in the dorm.

 

"No...but I think I did."

She sighs, running a hand through her blonde hair. The night air is suddenly unbearably cold and Taeyeon shivers.

 

Yoona punches her gently before slinging a lanky arm around her shoulders; a warm reassuring weight. Taeyeon notices the wry smile on the taller girl's face.

 

"Well you better fix it then, Taeng."

 

"Let's head back in, Yoong. It's getting cold."

/

Taeyeon enters the dorm finding her members have finally quietened down, and given into their tiredness, having abandoned their drunk singing. The lights were turned off in the dorm and leaving the living illuminated in the light from their lamps. The warm orange light caressed everything it touched, casting soft shadows across the members faces. A smile finds its way onto Taeyeon's face as she notices Sooyoung and Seohyun leaning on each other, their backs against the couch.

 

"Hey Tae."

 

Tiffany greets softly, a lazy smile on her face.

 

"Hi Tiff...you tired?"

 

Taeyeon makes her way over to her best friend and fellow member, clumsily lowering herself to the ground and crossing her legs in front of her.

 

"Yeah, I think it's probably time for us to crash." Tiffany looks towards the two members, now three, since Yoona had joined them, leaning against the couch, eyes heavy with sleep and beginning to droop.

 

Tiffany reaches over and pokes Sooyoung's shoulder, biting back a giggle when the other's eyes flutter open in confusion and mild annoyance.

 

"Soo, it's time for bed. Get washed up and make sure Yoona and Seohyun do the same. They should sleep too."

 

Sooyoung grumbles, but she pulls herself upright, gently stirring the other two members and relaying Tiffany's words to them. The three of them drag themselves to their shared bathroom and bedroom to wash up.

 

"Do you know where Jessica is?" Tiffany asks, and Taeyeon shrugs, ignoring the disapproving look Tiffany sends her.

 

"Tae, it's far too late, we can't let her go back at this time."

 

Tiffany's words echo in Taeyeon's ears and she mentally scoffs how ironically accurate the first half was at describing her current impasse with Jessica.

 

"I'll let her know."

 

Taeyeon makes a move to stand up, and Tiffany touches her arm, halting her.

 

"She's in the kitchen, Tae."

 

"I thought you didn't know where she was."

 

"No, I asked if you knew where she was."

 

Shaking her head, Taeyeon gets up off the floor, and moves towards the kitchen.

 

The kitchen is dark, filled with long shadows and she finds Jessica leaning against the sink, a glass of water in hand, with her back towards the doorway.

 

"Hey..." Taeyeon says quietly, partly because she didn't want to startle the other girl and partly because it was just the two of them alone again.

 

Jessica places her now empty glass in the sink and turns to face the idol. In the darkness, Taeyeon misses the conflicting emotions that flicker across Jessica's face.

 

"Thanks for having me over Taeyeon... I should probably go now though."

 

Taeyeon doesn't move from the doorway.

 

"It's late. You should just stay."

 

I want you to stay, Jessica.

 

The unspoken words settle in the air between them, as loud as the beating of Taeyeon's heart and heavy with implication.

 

A long silence blankets the two of them and Taeyeon wonders if she had made the wrong call out on the balcony, and ruined their relationship, friendship--whatever it was--before it had even begun.

 

"I should go..." Jessica says shakily and without conviction, her voice wavering in the dark. Taeyeon watches Jessica run a hand through her hair.

 

"Sica...Stop fighting me..." Taeyeon murmurs, words carrying a double meaning, "Especially before Tiffany gets scary and physically restrains you from leaving the apartment."

 

Jessica draws in a deep breath.

 

"...Okay."

 

Taeyeon moves tentatively towards the brunette, still unsure where she stood with Jessica. Their eyes meet in the dark and Taeyeon silently asks for permission to step closer. Jessica looks down but doesn't stop her. Taeyeon's fingers curl around her wrist and she gently tugs, leading Jessica to the bedroom she shared with Tiffany.

 

"Okay, so you can take the bed and share the room with Tiff."

 

Jessica opens to interrupt and voice her protest, but she is cut off by Taeyeon's stern glare.

 

"Don't worry about me, I'll just take the couch, Jessica." Taeyeon says, with finality, not giving Jessica a chance to negotiate. The idol rummages through the draws and hands Jessica a fresh t-shirt and sweatpants, as well as a new toothbrush, "If you need anything else, just ask Tiffany."

 

Jessica nods, giving Taeyeon a tight-lipped smile and heads into the ensuite bathroom.

 

As Taeyeon waits her turn to brush her teeth, she prepares for bed by grabbing a blanket and pillow and placing them onto the couch. She proceeds to search for a power point to plug in her phone charger.

 

"Night Taengoo."

 

The fashion designer stands at threshold of the living room, wearing the change of clothes. Taeyeon's t-shirt loosely frames her body, the low neckline doing nothing to hide her milky skin and Taeyeon suddenly feels nervous.

 

Even without makeup, Jessica was ridiculously attractive.

 

Taeyeon turns away, chest aching and she almost forgets to respond.

 

"Goodnight, Sica."

/

If she's honest, the couch is uneven, lumpy and Taeyeon would not recommend anyone to sleep on it. Sleep constantly eludes Taeyeon as she tosses and turns, neck cramped and stiff from being in an awkward position. She had barely managed to drift off to sleep when the sound of a door opening and approaching footsteps wake her. Taeyeon squints at the approaching figure.

 

"Come on, Taeyeon."

 

"Huh?"

 

She finds herself looking at Jessica's worried face, softened by the dim light and Taeyeon rubs her eyes, thinking she was having a weird dream.

 

"Taeyeon? What happened to "Taengoo"?"

 

An amused smile adorns Jessica's face at the comment.

 

Taeyeon mentally kicks herself at the stupid words that had inadvertently tumbled out of and she blames it on the combination of alcohol and sleep deprivation.

 

“Alright then, Taengoo. Get up.”

 

“Where’s the fire?”

 

“There’s no fire.”

 

"...Then go away, and let me sleep."

 

Subconsciously, Taeyeon is mortified that sleep deprivation had reverted into an immature brat, but in the moment, her eyes were aching to close despite the discomfort screaming from every part of her body.

 

"There's no way, that's comfortable."

Jessica says, eyebrows raised challengingly, the corner of her pink lips twitching upwards into a semblance of a smirk. Taeyeon shrugs in admission, feeling the stiffness in her muscles from being contorted into uncomfortable positions.

 

She swings her legs over the side of the couch, sitting upright and stretching out her cramped muscles.

 

Taeyeon groans as her neck cricks.

 

"Sica..." Taeyeon whines as she notices the waiting form of the other girl.

 

Jessica grabs her forearm and with a forceful tug, Taeyeon finds herself stumbling onto her feet, almost careening into the other girl. Taeyeon is hyperaware of their proximity, her skin tingles where Jessica's hand was currently touching and she hears Jessica's even breathing, reminding her of their incident out on the balcony. The idol closes her eyes at the sensory overload, hoping to salvage a semblance of coherency.

 

"If you wanted a hug, you could've just asked, Sica."

 

Jessica ignores her comment.

 

Taeyeon realises Jessica's intention when the hand on her forearm slides down and traps her wrist, pulling her along towards the bedroom door, semi-helplessly.

 

"Sica, I said I would sleep on the couch, didn't I?"

 

"You call that sleeping?"

 

She shuts up because the sound of a warm soft bed was too enticing to pass up, even if it meant sacrificing some of her pride in the process, and definitely not because of the fact that she would be sharing a bed with Jessica.

 

The door is closed silently behind them and Taeyeon finds herself once again in her bedroom, Jessica’s hand still warm on her wrist.

 

"Left or right?" Jessica whispers to Taeyeon, mindful of Tiffany's sleeping form on the other bed.

 

"Right side."

 

"Okay."

 

Taeyeon slips under the warm covers and faces the wall, scooting over instinctively to al