PART II

xiv. Say Goodbye

"My heart tells me, it remembers you

The only person who makes my heart race

A painful love that makes my heart ache

My tears tell me, I love you"

 

JESSICA

Jessica slumps in her seat, her face buried into her hands, her elbows pressed to the tabletop, waiting and waiting – for a wave of relief, to be blessed by a feeling of liberation or of emancipation – to feel anything but this emptiness that she felt inside.

 

Taeyeon's departure loops through her mind, bright, yet strangely hazy; as though it was a happening from within a dream – or rather, a nightmare and not something that had occurred moments prior.

 

She remembers Taeyeon turning away from her wordlessly, a quiet, muted semblance of defeat clinging to her tired frame, shoulders slightly slumped as she made her exit, without so much as a backward glance. Trembling fingers had closed around the door handle and Taeyeon had hesitated, remaining in place as though she wanted to say something.

 

In that split second, Jessica's heartbeat had faltered, stumbling in its rhythm, a painful signal that she was still very much in love with Taeyeon. It was also in that split second that Jessica had squeezed her eyes shut, afraid her wavering resolve would crumple and she'd feel more regret than she should.

 

Mind over matter, she tells herself, even if the matter was her heart itself.

 

"Sica...?"

 

Krystal's voice breaks through her thoughts, uncharacteristically gentle, having taken on a tentative quality, in stark silhouette in contrast to her abrupt entrance into the kitchen earlier—when Taeyeon had still been here.

 

Tiredly, Jessica raises her head, gazing into the concerned brown eyes of her sister.

 

"Krys..."

 

A hand comes to rest upon her shoulder. Its touch is light, as though anything else would break her sister.

 

Jessica wonders how obvious it was to everyone around them. Was it written all over their faces, in their expressions and their contradictory actions? And maybe the more appropriate question was: how could Krystal not see through her façade.

 

“Unnie...what happened?” Krystal prompts, attempting to disperse the silence that had descended upon them again. What is supposed to be gentle encouragement, draws painful emotions to the surface again and Jessica blinks, fighting the warmth pricking the corners of her eyes, threatening to become fully fledged droplets of tears. In a similar manner, sobs that threaten to claw their way up the back of are forcefully swallowed back down.

 

The fingers on her shoulder flex – a gentle squeeze – and Jessica lets herself be comforted by the reassurance they offer. A reminder that she's not alone, an anchor for her, now that her world's been thrown into chaos.

 

So, Jessica breathes in through her nose, the air rushing in her lungs, bracing herself for the words that are to follow.

 

“I-I think I’m going to Apex.”

 

The words are whispered in a manner that is both fragile and hesitant, escaping like the last wisps of air from a deflating balloon, murmured so quietly that Jessica's not sure if Krystal’s heard them at all.

 

But Krystal does.

 

Grim lines etch themselves upon her sister’s face. Her lips press together, her eyebrows knit together and a dark shadow seems to pass across her eyes, leaving them full of an indescribable gloominess.

 

"Unnie...? Is...is that what you want?" Krystal intones, her voice laden with the very same heaviness she wore on her face.

 

Wasn't this what she wanted?

 

A frantic, sharp kind of pain settles into her chest.

 

Yet still, Jessica can't seem to go back on her decision. She's unable to turn around and just call it as it is, to say that enough is enough, that they should stop, admit that she still loved Taeyeon and maybe regretted this too.

 

Because if she does, it would mean that she regretted her choice – that she had been living out a mistake for all these years. And maybe it’s her pride – an insistent whispering in her ears and an unpleasant taste upon her tongue – that drives her to tell herself that this is moving forward, puts a label on the pain, calls it karmic justice, and willingly takes her share of the pain in this mess.

 

She clings onto her decision, hugging it close to her chest, until she's sure it's melted through her ribcage, seeped into the her beating heart, in a feeble attempt to settle its defiant rhythm, and tame its wild nature.

 

Krystal eventually steps forward, moving slowly, carefully and it's all it takes for Jessica to lose the grip she has on her emotions. Everything that she's bottled up, things she shouldn’t need or keep, spills out, sliding freely down the planes of her cheeks.

 

Jessica's fingers find the hem of Krystal's shirt, clinging on like it’s a lifeline, face pressing against the light blue material, leaving damp patches where she's stained it with tears.

 

“Did Taeyeon tell you…?” Krystal says quietly as Jessica's sobs grow quieter. Jessica hears a hint of confusion, and it dawns on her, in an abrupt and unpleasant manner that maybe she was the only one who had no idea all along—the only one kept in the dark.

 

"You knew didn't you? And you didn't tell me?" Jessica swipes at her tears with the pads of her fingers, suddenly furious.

 

Krystal’s shoulders slump in defeat and she doesn’t bother to deny the accusation.

 

“I had a lot of things on my mind and I-I was conflicted. You and Taeyeon were happy, genuinely so, and I didn’t want to take that away from the either of you. I didn’t have the right to.”

 

Jessica watches as Krystal bows her head, tears of guilt having gathered at the corners of her sister’s eyes and crawled into her voice as well. At this, Jessica’s feelings of anger dissolve, leaving her with nothing but sadness again.

 

“I’m sorry…” Jessica’s voice cracks and she reaches out and pats Krystal’s head, drawing her sister’s eyes to her own before speaking. “I'm sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry for not being a good sister and I’m sorry for making a mess of things.”

 

Krystal shakes her head furiously at Jessica’s apology.

 

“You don’t need to apologise, Jessi.”

 

But Jessica still felt like she needed to. Everything felt like it was her fault. Everything started with her.

 

She looks away.

 

“How did you find out…?” Krystal asks quietly, breaking the silence.

 

“I wrote myself a letter.” Jessica looks up to meet Krystal’s gaze, taking a moment to gather her words. “Donghae delivered it to me. He used to work at Apex…I just never made the connection why he decided to quit after we met. He must have…he must have known.”

 

“I never knew he worked at Apex…” Krystal mutters, lips pulled into a thin line. “What he did, that’s…” She stops, as though unable to continue.

 

Jessica falls silent and wonders what would have happened had she never stumbled across this revelation—if she’d never reached out to Donghae, never opened the flap of that envelope. Would she have been able to remain in that delusion, blindly ignorant to the truth?

 

Maybe she could’ve went on pretending that everything was fine, but Jessica didn’t want to spend the rest of her life being lied to or worse, lying to herself.

 

(That’s the truth behind it all.)

/

Krystal's voice rouses Jessica from her light slumber upon the couch. She realises that she had fallen asleep, an exhaustion of the emotional kind having seeped into her body and drained her physically too.

 

Jessica rubs at her eyes as she pulls herself upright. How many hours had she been asleep for? She glances at the clock on the wall.

 

"You've been sleeping for a couple of hours." Krystal says, following her gaze, "I went out to get us some food."

 

"Thanks," Jessica says, then tries to shape into what is supposed to a warm smile, though it comes out half-hearted; choked even, a snuffed-out semblance of what it should be. "You're more like an unnie right now...I should be the one taking care of yo—"

 

"Jessi..." Krystal says sounding pained, "Just let me do this for you, okay?"

 

Jessica sighs but moves over, making space for Krystal on the couch. The takeout containers are set upon the coffee table in front of them.

 

They eat in silence, but Jessica feels her sister sending cursory glances at her between bites; glances that bordered careful concern and an anxious paranoia, like she was hesitant to speak her mind.

 

Jessica places her takeout container down, along with her chopsticks, which come to rest upon the brim. She turns expectantly towards her sister.

 

"What is it?"

 

"What?"

 

"You want to say or ask something, I can tell."

 

Krystal mirrors her actions, setting her food down as well, ready to talk, bite the bullet even.

 

"Are you sure you want to go back to Apex? Erasing Taeyeon isn't your only choice..."

 

Jessica reflexively freezes up, then consciously forces herself to relax. She's not defensive, she's okay with this, or so she tells herself.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You love her. What's stopping you from being with her?"

 

Jessica glances down, avoiding Krystal’s gaze, as though it would lessen the pain that her next words deliver to her own heart.

 

"I don't want to be miserable."

 

Her sister pauses, before hesitantly raising a hand to rest on Jessica’s shoulder.

 

“I love you and you deserve love. And if it means forgiving yourself for loving Taeyeon—allowing yourself to love Taeyeon, then I’m happy for you. Don't let me watch you be torn apart so much that you have to fragment your memories again...I think the both of you are scared of feeling too much, because if we feel too much we give them the chance to break us, to destroy us but it gives them the chance to make us whole again, to heal too. I hurt you, hurt us by clinging onto the past. you have to let go."

 

"It's not that easy." Jessica murmurs, biting the inside of her cheek.

 

Because sometimes it’s not as cut and dried as it should be and the edges are all blurred and bleed into each other, an overlapping of colours, and its becomes hard to discern what she wants from what she needs but shouldn’t. For something that should be simple, this was ridiculously complex.

 

Krystal sighs before continuing, her eyes soft and her voice quiet.

 

"Unnie, you’re scared to let her love you. You're going to let the past ruin the future? Don't you get it? Erasing her means the two of you will be stuck in the past forever. The two of you are like a broken record. I’m sick of seeing the two of you run around and around, always hurting each other, always crawling back to each other. It has to end – for you, for her.”

 

"What do I—"

 

"Jessica, you know what to do, you're just too scared to admit it."

 

She knows Krystal is right, and that's what makes it that much scarier. That everyone around them could see it for what it was.

 

That it was no longer deniable.

 

That even if she hadn't made a mistake then...she was making one now.

 

(But she was tired of carrying this load on her shoulders and this weight in her heart.)

 

"It's too late, Krys."

/

[Hwang, Tiffany]

Looking at the sparse conversation history open on her screen, Krystal puffs out a breath and types out her message, hoping that this would work.

 

The simple message sends with a ding and sits against the stark white background inside a blue bubble.

 

I need to talk to Taeyeon.

 

She questions her own motivations, questions if she was doing the right thing. Then, she wonders if it was too late—if she was waiting on the past, something that was long gone and would never return.

 

Krystal’s phone remains silent and eventually the screen flickers to black; fading quietly and losing all fight, bringing her back to the scene she had witnessed that morning.

 

Like a reel of a film, it plays like this: Taeyeon and her sister, tucked away in the kitchen. They look at each other with such longing and pain; a concoction of contradictory and equally strong emotions carrying over into the tide of every gaze, every action and every word—an acknowledgement of the limbo they were in, a duality of both having but not quite having the one person they loved. Krystal had turned away then, feeling like an intruder to something intimate – a heartbreaking moment that belonged to the two of them. She wonders how Jessica or Taeyeon could have ever walked away from each other, from that. Even just experiencing a fraction of what they had was enough for Krystal to decide that that if she ever loved someone that much, she would tell them—and never let them go.

 

She grips her phone ever so tighter.

 

Perhaps that what is behind her decision to get help them resolve the conflict between them.

 

But still, in this moment, she hates how messy her sister and Taeyeon are.

 

The reply, when it comes is hours late and terse, but Krystal still takes it as a blessing from whatever deity existed out there.

 

She mumbles an about time under her breath and heads out with one destination in mind.

 

Meet at Sunny’s café. -KTY

/

There’s a familiar ambience to the café as Krystal pushes the door open, the afternoon buzz has died down, leaving only a handful of patrons who seem to be immersed in their own conversations. No one cares enough to notice that yes, she’s that Krystal or that her eyes are scanning the room for that Taeyeon either.

 

Raising her head from the register, Sunny takes in her presence, then nods toward the back corner where Krystal can only assume Taeyeon is waiting. Krystal shoots the girl a tight-lipped smile in thanks.

 

The idol is tucked into the farthest corner of the café, with her back to the door and as Krystal approaches, she finds Taeyeon staring absently at the wall, her drink pushed to the side of the table, abandoned. Half of her face obscured behind the fabric of her mask. Everything looks oddly out of place all of a sudden.

 

“Taeyeon unnie?”

 

At the sound of her voice, Taeyeon turns towards her slowly, as though it exhausted her to move at all and Krystal finds herself face to face with her sister’s lover (ex-lover ?).

 

“Hi...”

 

Weary, defeated eyes regard Krystal as she slides into the seat across.

 

Krystal swallows, feeling unsure.

 

Taeyeon blinks back blankly, and even though it had barely been a day, Taeyeon looked worse for wear—a horrible exhaustion plagued her dark-ringed eyes, giving Krystal the impression that Taeyeon hadn’t slept or eaten for days. Krystal wonders if this is what heartbreak did to people—beat and break them both physically and emotionally.

 

“You should remember to take care of yourself.” Krystal says genuinely, not out of politeness but because there was a vacancy in Taeyeon’s eyes, one that she had seen stare back her in her sister’s expressions. And in the moment, a fraction of her sisterly concern became extended to Taeyeon by the same measure.

 

Taeyeon makes an effort to shrug, but her shoulders barely move and all Krystal sees is someone who’s been pushed around by the world too much. It’s strangely confronting the way the idol façade has dropped and maybe it’s a bit sad watching someone shoulder that heavy of a burden on her shoulders.

 

“I was wrong.”

 

Taeyeon’s gaze snaps to meet hers.

 

“Jessica might have her pride,” Krystal’s voice trembles a little but she continues. “But the truth is still the truth—what she’s going to do…it’s a mistake. She loves you, you know this.”

 

“She loves me.” Taeyeon repeats softly, then scoffs too. is turned downwards and half a frown is etched into her brows, as though the statement was some sort of an inside joke.

 

In the sombre silence that ensues, Krystal looks outside. The sun is obscured, hidden behind a dull grey smattering of clouds on a stark blue sky. Something about the contrast is too jarring to her eyes. She blinks and rubs at her eyes.

 

“We’ve made our own share of mistakes, Krystal. If this is Jessica's to make then who am I to judge?" Taeyeon finally says flatly, dropping her eyes to the table between them.

 

"…Y-you can’t give up on her because she's given up on herself." Krystal hears the desperation bleeding from her chest into her own words and hates it a lot—hates that it has to come to this.

 

Reaching into her bag, Krystal retrieves a notepad and a pen. Taeyeon watches her with a guarded expression, somewhere between curiosity and deep-set wariness that came with the territory of her situation. With shaking hands Krystal brings the nib down onto crisp white, leaving trails of ink black in its wake. The become letters and the letters form words. When she recaps her pen, some of the letters have smudged, but the words remain clear and legible – a declaration of a where and when.

 

The note is nudged across the tabletop, coming to a rest just as it crosses the invisible line that separates her half of the table from Taeyeon’s.

 

The unspoken offer remains suspended in the suddenly tense silence between them.

 

It feels like an eternity before Taeyeon makes any move to acknowledge the exchange that had occurred.

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

Fingertips briefly brushing against the piece of paper, before loosely curling back into a palm. It’s neither a rejection nor acceptance; it just is what it is – the continuous battle between the head and the heart.

 

Knowing that this was as much as she could do to help, Krystal begins to stand. The ending of this story was up to Taeyeon and Jessica themselves to decide. Her fingers catch the back of the seat, lingering only to tell the words she had wanted to say the moment she had set eyes upon the exhausted idol.

 

“Taeyeon?” Taeyeon looks at up her curiously, “Just know I’m here…if you ever need to talk.”

 

Taeyeon mutedly nods, giving her a grateful look.

 

“Thanks, Krys.”

 

The corners of Taeyeon’s lips lift for the first time.

 

Krystal can’t help but think that Taeyeon’s smile is still a little sad around the edges.

 

“Anytime.”

/

Sitting in the private room, waiting to see Dr Kwon Yuri, Jessica feels a sense of déjà vu. This shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have to come to this. It should be enough to have endured this process once; it gives her no reassurance that she’d been through this process before. No matter whether she remembered it or not. The past few days had blurred together. Her appointment at Apex had come faster than she's anticipated—than she is prepared for.

 

She feels a bit nauseous now. Maybe it's motion sickness from being carelessly tossed around by the forces of the universe.

 

Jessica glances down at her watch, a queasy anxiety gnawing at her stomach with each tick of the second hand, signifying the approaching deadline.

 

This countdown had started the moment she had crossed paths with Taeyeon all those months ago. She stops her thoughts there, refusing to go down that particular path. Jessica knew it would strip her of everything once again. Instead, she focuses on the present, places her hands on her thighs, palms flat and fingers splayed and drags them to smooth out non-existent creases.

 

Krystal lifts her head from the phone she held in her hand.

 

“Unnie, stop that, you’re not helping yourself with that...and your fidgeting is making me feel anxious."

 

When she sees no change in Jessica’s stiff posture, Krystal sighs noisily, slides the phone into a pocket and takes her si