PART II

xi. The Way We Loved

“Should I tell you I love you?

Should we start again?

I know you better than anyone else,

So when I see you hurting, I hurt too

Should I tell you to come back?”

 

2013 - TAEYEON

“Hey Taeng?”

 

Jessica’s voice, tinged with a grogginess that was telling of sleepiness, pulls Taeyeon out from her thoughts, zoning back into the world around her. Taeyeon becomes aware that the movie had ended and its credits had just begun to scroll across the screen.

 

Jessica shifts in her embrace, and her head lifts from where it had been resting against Taeyeon’s shoulder. With eyes blinking—trying to fight the heaviness of her lids—Jessica turns her head towards Taeyeon, eyes searching for Taeyeon’s in the darkness.

 

“What time is it?” Taeyeon asks, gently bringing her hand up to the side of Jessica’s head, running her fingers soothingly through her hair and guiding Jessica’s head back down to rest on her shoulder.

 

Jessica leans into her side, sighing contently at the way Taeyeon’s fingers were lightly massaging her scalp.

 

A comfortable silence envelopes them, the intimacy of the moment a result of time spent together, unknowingly cultivating their friendship until it had bloomed into something more—existing in the space between the two of them, an inevitable consequence of spending time with someone who gave you world (and maybe parts of theirs too).

 

“I think I’m going to fall asleep again.” Jessica murmurs, fighting the overwhelming urge to curl up against Taeyeon and succumb to her drowsiness, limbs and eyelids alike, both heavy.

 

“Let’s get you to the bed then, it’s a lot more comfortable than this couch.”

 

Taeyeon feels Jessica nodding, head tilting back and forth, causing the material of Taeyeon’s shirt to wrinkle ever so slightly and disrupting the smooth cadences of fingers through dark locks.

 

“Taeng?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Did they breakup in the end?”

 

“How much of it did you even watch?”

 

A hint of amusement dances into her tone. Taeyeon remembered the exact point the movie had lost Jessica's attention, the slowing of Jessica’s steady breathing giving her away as she was claimed by sleep.

 

"I can’t remember, I fell asleep.” Jessica says, sitting back upright, hair falling in loose waves around her face.

 

Pulling herself off the couch, stretching out her cramped limbs, Taeyeon ambles over to turn the TV off, its screen flickering to black. Wordlessly, Jessica follows her towards the bedroom, as though she was trailing behind her obediently, blindly trusting Taeyeon to guide her in the right direction.

 

“Well, did they?” Jessica questions again, immediately plopping down on the comforter, lying supine with limbs splayed out, as though this was her bedroom, her bed, and not Taeyeon’s.

 

Taeyeon hesitates. She has no idea why suddenly closes up or why her tongue felt numb and glued to the roof of . She vaguely aware that the sinking feeling in her stomach was a warning of some sort; the voicing of her fears.

 

Jessica’s question—innocent and brought about by an isolated curiosity for a fictional ending—forced upon Taeyeon seemingly unrelated parallels and confronted her with the same question, but in an entirely different context.

 

Taeyeon manages to finally unstick her tongue and as she pries her lips apart, the answer surfaces from somewhere deep within her, spilling from and out into the open.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh.” Jessica takes a careful moment to think, as though mourning the loss of something that will never be, cut short too early. Her eye brows pull together, etching a slight crease into her forehead and her lips press tightly together. “…that’s quite sad.”

 

"It's realistic I guess. Not everyone gets a happy ending, Sica."

 

Taeyeon turns away, heart heavy and an unpleasant taste settling on her tongue. She makes for the doorway to head back to the lounge and back to the couch; away from her fears.

 

But Jessica’s hard to resist, especially when the world seems to fall away at her every touch.

 

"Taeyeon...Sleep with me?" Jessica hastily backtracks, correcting herself, "I—I mean, sleep in the bed with me—it's big enough for the two of us you know...”

 

A protest forms on the tip of Taeyeon tongue, but like every other time before, something gives way and her feeble resistance deserts her.

 

“Okay.”

 

The two of them slide under the covers, settling next to each other, Taeyeon instinctively opens her arms to allow Jessica to shift into her, their legs and bodies alike, entangling into a comfortable mess.

 

She can feel Jessica's breathing against the exposed skin of her collarbones, warm puffs of air moulding to her skin as they make contact, sending shivers running down her spine.

 

Jessica notices and moves to lean forward, pressing her lips lightly to Taeyeon's skin again and again.

 

“Why do like me, Sica?” Taeyeon whispers into the darkness, shuddering against Jessica’s smattering of kisses across her bare skin.

 

Jessica, was nothing like Taeyeon, brash, clear-cut and upfront, with a face that looked like trouble and a heart that loved too much. And Taeyeon? Taeyeon preferred the shades of grey, preferred to dodge, duck and weaving, avoiding the problem, until it either went away or ruined her life. (So far, the former had always won out.) It was surprising that they even managed to get along without imploding in on themselves.

 

“You know why I like you.”

 

"...I feel like I can't give you all that much."

 

Her voice stumbles, giving out and crumbling.

 

It’s a warning—one that Taeyeon is compelled to give Jessica.

 

I can’t give you what you want.

 

Taeyeon hands over an excuse, giving Jessica a reason to leave, a chance to spare herself, a last-ditch effort to stop this, before they crossed the point of no return; because if they were to go separate ways, Taeyeon already knew she would never be the one to initiate it

 

"Don't say that."

 

"It's true, Sica."

 

Pieces of the jigsaw that didn’t click to form Taeyeon to idol, would inevitably be packed away in a box, and hidden from sight indefinitely—she knew this from the start.

 

Jessica sighs, her hand glides up Taeyeon’s back, fingers tracing soothing patterns the entire way up. Her voice is pleadingly soft and words gentle, as though she was politely refusing Taeyeon’s offer, dismissing her warnings and brushing them away as easily, as tenderly as though they were strands of hair that had fallen over Taeyeon’s forehead.

 

"Taeyeon...you can give me you and that's all I ask for."

 

Taeyeon desperately wishes for the statement to be true.

 

But how can she give Jessica something she didn’t even own?—at least not entirely, not anymore.

 

The silence drags on.

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

"Will you be my girlfriend?”

 

“Are you sure you want to ask that?”

 

Jessica’s body stiffens, her hands falls still, surprise and an emotion looking a lot like hurt briefly flickers across Jessica’s eyes, tainting in the dark brown with its presence.

 

“Jessica, when have I ever been able to say no to you?”

 

Taeyeon saw the heartbreak coming from a mile away and still turned a blind eye.

 

“I’m glad you didn’t decide to start now.” Jessica says before surging forward to plant a kiss on Taeyeon’s lips, firm and insistent. Her teeth nibbles on Taeyeon bottom lip, before a tongue coaxes open and slides in to meet Taeyeon’s own.

 

Taeyeon kisses back, deepening it and the aggressive pacing slows down into a more languid one. In the moment—enveloped in Jessica scent, tasting her lips and hearing the small sounds escaping Jessica’s mouth— she wonders if she had everything the wrong way around. Maybe Jessica was the piece that belonged and it was in fact, the rest that were out of place.

 

Their kiss ends organically and Taeyeon shifts until she lies on her back. Jessica drapes an arm across her stomach, her fingers finding the skin that had been offered up where Taeyeon’s shirt had ridden up.

 

“Jessica?” Taeyeon says into the darkness, staring at the ceiling, a flawless smooth plane of grey, its imperfections hidden by the darkness.

 

Movement and the rustling of sheets, accompanied by an even quieter yes? reaches her ears.

 

“Do you think maybe we can hold off telling too many people?”

 

“Taengoo, we’ll tell them when yo—when we’re ready. Just go to sleep and stop worrying.” Jessica’s voice is thick, and Taeyeon can tell she’s teetering on the verge of sleep, so with a kiss pressed into Jessica’s hair, she lets the other drift off into the realm of sleep; finding that she herself follows not long afterwards.

 

Piecing together jigsaw puzzles could wait until another day.

/

 

PRESENT - TAEYEON

Parallel lines.

 

That was what she was supposed to be to Jessica the moment the brunette had her erased from her memories.

 

Taengoo, let me know when you get back safely…So I know you didn’t get lost. -J

I told manager you’re with family. You owe me an explanation tomorrow. -Tiff

Oh…you’re with Jessica? I don’t know what you’re doing but I’ll cover for you, just this once. -Tiff

At least text me to let me know you’re still alive. -Tiff

 

Taeyeon scrolls through the series of text messages she had received, Jessica message, the latest one, sat at the top of the list. Taeyeon lets her hand fall to her side, still loosely gripping her phone. The events of the previous night come to her slowly, a foggy haze, like a strange dream that she hadn’t yet and didn’t quite want to wake from.

 

The morning...this morning had been straight out of a dream, and frankly felt like a scene lifted straight out of a memory--pure and soft; untainted by the bitter emotions of the events that were to follow.

 

Jessica's pretty bare face, her messy sleep tousled hair and the way she'd lit up at the sight of Taeyeon, and in that moment, maybe they were naive fresh-faced youth again, enamoured with each other...

 

Their lips had met and the last of Taeyeon's self-imposed restraint had fallen away, coming undone the way she had at Jessica’s touch. She had pressed closer to Jessica, pinning the brunette to the door, their mouths reacquainting and hearts intent on reclaiming lost time.

 

Taeyeon wonders when it had all changed—when these steadfast parallel lines had unknowingly deviated from its projected course, warped by a gravitation field so strong that time and space itself had been bent.

 

They were never supposed to stumble across each other again and definitely never meant to fall into each other again.

 

But they had, and Jessica image is imprinted in the back of Taeyeon's eyelids, burned into her thoughts and her name is inked like a tattoo on Taeyeon’s heart, refusing to let her forget.

 

The reflection in the elevator doors stares back at her, image slightly blurred and distorted, like a faded memory. She wonders if this was what it was like to be stuck in the past--and maybe that was it. Maybe all their memory erasure had done was to press a pause button—freezing them in time—but doing nothing to move them forward, to move past each other.

 

Because despite forgetting, no erasing, Jessica Jung, here she was, at the other side, several years older and none the wiser it seemed.

 

Taeyeon was still hopelessly in love with Jessica Jung.

 

She thought Jessica was her past—and Jessica was—but Jessica was more, she was also Taeyeon’s present and future.

 

But how can you restart something that never really came to an end?

 

An inkling of apprehension seeps under her skin, leaving her feeling unnerved.

 

The elevator doors slide open.

/

Taeyeon’s surprised when Tiffany’s not the first one to greet her at the door.

 

Yoona’s grin is a little too wide, a little to suspicious and Taeyeon immediately feels as though she was already the of whatever prank the taller idol was playing.

 

Wordlessly, Yoona steps aside to let Taeyeon into the hotel suite and the voices of her members arguing over some random thing intermingles with the English blasting from the TV. Taeyeon feels strangely anchored, the way she always did listening to their banter.

 

Trailing Yoona into the lounge area, the members fall silent at the sight of her, and she immediately finds herself under the scrutiny of four pairs of eyes that root her in place under their weight.

 

The anchor-man drones on in the background.

 

“Taeyeon unnie, where were you last night?” Seohyun questions, voicing the question Taeyeon saw blazing in Yoona and Sooyoung's eyes. Even the maknae, with her usually neutral tone, sounded obviously curious.

 

"Err..."

 

She's not sure quite what to say to them. Taeyeon glances over at Tiffany, hoping she would offer some help, but the other girl does not meet her gaze. By Tiffany's rigid posture, Taeyeon knows the action is deliberate, and she's is left stranded to deal with this on her own.

 

“Quit playing, Tae, what's that thing on your neck?” Sooyoung blurts out after a beat, jolting Taeyeon's pleading eyes away from Tiffany's direction.

 

“Yeah, aww unnie did you ditch us for a wild night?”

 

Sooyoung and Yoona wear matching wolfish grins, eyes seemingly focused somewhere on her neck, as though they could see evidence of a mark (of the unsavoury kind) and Taeyeon’s hand reflexively flies up to cover her neck; self-conscious, despite knowing there wasn’t anything there—or rather, there shouldn’t be.

 

The room erupts into frantic commotion.

 

"Ha! Told you! Pay up."

 

Seohyun’s eyes widen comically and drops open in disbelief.

 

"I don't believe it, unnie. There's no actual evidence!!!"

 

Sooyoung ignores the maknae’s plea and resolutely shakes her head, holding out her hand, palm facing upwards demandingly.

 

"Tell me it’s not suspicious that she did that,” Yoona chimes in, referring to Taeyeon’s—in hindsight, stupid—reaction. “Not unless she had a reason to suspect that her lover wasn’t careful enough."

 

Seohyun, trapped on the couch between the two triumphant looking idols, weakly lets out another protest.

 

"Unnie, no fair..."

 

Hand still pressed to the base of her neck, Taeyeon's eyebrows shoot upwards, and her eyes dart between the three members, an inappropriate laughter bubbling up and spilling out, drawing their attention.

 

Between fits of laughter she manages to choke out a question, "You guys made bets on me?"

 

The notion is absurd and even though technically she was still on the stand, in the process of being interrogated, the anxiety Taeyeon had felt about the whole situation melts away. An amused smile lingers on her lips.

 

Honestly, everything could have turned out a lot worse than this...

 

At that moment, Tiffany glances up, eyes filled with some unreadable emotion and lips pulled into a tight line. Taeyeon stiffens, smile slowly slipping away.

 

"Sorry, unnie."

 

The apology is of course from Seohyun, the only one who genuinely looked and sounded slightly remorseful, a stark contrast from the unapologetic faces of the two idols flanking her.

 

"So who was it?" Sooyoung presses again, having noted that Taeyeon had not responded to their previous line of questioning.

 

“I didn’t hook up with anyone.”

 

Seohyun is the only one that seems to hear and accept her answer, the other two immediately frown in disbelief, heads tilting and eyes narrowing in suspicion.

 

“See, I won the bet, unnies. Now you all owe me.”

 

“Not a chance, Seohyun… Tae, just tell us who you were with?”

 

"That’s enough. Leave her alone."

 

Tiffany, who had remained quiet throughout this entire exchange, finally speaks up and although her voice is barely raised in volume, it slices through the air. The tone of finality in her voice plunges the room into silence, having stifled the barrage of comments ready to spring froth from Yoona and Sooyoung’s lips.

 

Taeyeon swallows nervously.

 

After a beat, Sooyoung relents, punctuating her displeasure at Tiffany for ruining their fun with an exaggeratedly pout, and her lanky arms are thrown upwards in exasperation. “Fine, since Taeyeon unnie is the type to clam up anyway, there’s no use in prying.”

 

At this, Seohyun's hand flies up to muffle what would have been laughter and is intermediately countered by a playful glare from Sooyoung.

 

"Actually, Tae, can I speak with you? In private?"

 

Tiffany’s dark and piercing eyes find her, pinning her to the spot as they seemingly rummage through her mind, turning each of her thoughts over in careful inspection, leaving her feeling vulnerably transparent.

 

Out of the corner of her eye, Taeyeon sees movement as Sooyoung stands up to object, but Tiffany’s head quickly snaps her way and meets Sooyoung's protest with a hard look that sends the girl quickly falling back into a seated position; its intensity searing.

 

“Sure.”

 

Taeyeon tries to keep her voice nonchalant, masking the strange apprehension she felt, her palms felt sweaty and stomach slightly queasy.

 

Rising from her spot on the couch without any further words, Tiffany moves down the hall toward one of the bedrooms, motioning for Taeyeon to follow.

 

The bedroom door clicks shut behind Tiffany, trapping Taeyeon within the room, out of earshot of the rest of the members. Plopping down on the edge of the bed, Taeyeon drums her fingers on the tops of her thighs, an outlet for the nervous energy she felt coursing through her body.

 

The privacy of the current situation meant Tiffany wanted a proper explanation, one that went beyond the few sentences she had offered up in response to Tiffany’s text messages.

 

"So...last night?"

 

"I-I...erm, thanks for covering for me Tiff."

 

Taeyeon drags her fingers through her hair, wondering where exactly to start her explanation. Her actions probably made no sense to Tiffany and even Taeyeon certainly had never envisioned that things would play out the way they did. She had gone with a resolve to say their farewells, to give them their much-needed closure.

 

But Jessica had taken her apart, removing the stitches that kept her together one by one, until Taeyeon had come undone, falling apart at the seams. Her feelings for Jessica had slipped through the cracks, spilling from her lips in a mess of quiet consonants and soft vowels, forsaking the silence that once existed between them.

 

“I went over to hers after the concert last night—to clear things up.”

 

"I didn’t really believe it when you texted me then and I’m still having trouble understanding, even now…You were really with Jessica?" Tiffany says with confusion and disbelief lacing her tone.

 

The idol makes no move to approach Taeyeon, and stands stiffly with her back against the closed door.

 

In her lap, Taeyeon clenches her hands into loose fists.

 

"Yes."

 

Tiffany's eyes darts across Taeyeon’s face, searching furiously, as though desperately trying to find evidence that what Taeyeon was saying was false—that Taeyeon was lying.

 

She's not though, and Tiffany knows it.

 

"What are you doing?" Tiffany asks tentatively, shoulders losing their rigid standoffish tension as the reality sinks in. Even if she didn’t like it, she couldn’t change what had already happened.

 

"What I should've done, ages ago."

 

“Which is…?”

 

“Fixing things with Jessica.”

 

Tiffany studies her quietly.

 

"Tae? Are you doing this to absolve your guilt? Why are you so willing to crawl back to her?"

 

Taeyeon's eyes narrow, her face scrunching up in confusion and sliver of irritation worms its way into her chest.

 

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