PART II

vi. Mistake

"I knew I couldn’t have you

But my love for you just kept growing

Waiting by myself,

Regretting by myself,

Even loving you was a mistake"

 

JESSICA

In the darkness, the clock by her bed continues to tick. The incessant sound of the seconds hand as it continues its endless journey around the clock face, serves as a reminder for the inevitable passage of time.

 

It was time in which she spent awake, staring into the blackness and seeing nothing but the swirl of conflicting emotions in her mind, scenes playing out again and again, on repeat. The dull hum of the streets outside, still full of life even this late into the night or rather—early morning—drone on in the background, doing nothing but making her feel insignificant and even more lost. Jessica thinks of all the happy people living their happy lives, with their doting boyfriends and caring siblings, and she feels like she is alone in her confusion.

 

Her eyes burn, eyelids heavy with fatigue, begging desperately to close and find some respite, but sleep seems to have forsaken her tonight, just like so many of her nights recently. In its absence, she finds dark shadows have congregated under her eyes, and a sluggish exhaustion blankets her, sinking into both her mind and her body with a heavy weight in her bones and a fog that clouds her clarity. She feels completely drained.

 

Jessica reaches for her phone, pressing the home button and its screen lights up in a glaringly bright fashion, almost blinding to her sensitive eyes. Unsurprisingly, there are no new notifications and the short text from Taeyeon still sits at the top of her screen, almost taunting her. Jessica pushes back the feelings that struggle to surface.

 

I’m sorry.

-Taeyeon.

 

She doesn’t know why her heart can feel like it’s being crushed to a million pieces with just two simple words, why she doesn’t want Taeyeon’s apology and why she can’t seem to type out a response—because how does one respond to an apology when they are the one in the wrong.

 

Everything in Jessica’s life had once fit into neat compartments, clear and defined, easy to comprehend. She had everything figured out, Korea was supposed to be a business venture and a home, a place where she understood inherently despite having been away. But somewhere along the way, she had met Taeyeon and it had all changed.

 

She barely recognises herself these days.

 

Nothing makes sense.

 

Jessica thinks of the way she had lost control, succumbed to the messy impulsive feelings she had for Taeyeon and it was as if she had stepped off the edge of a cliff, helplessly pulled by gravity, heart racing and stomach fluttering, engaged in an endless freefall.

 

Taeyeon made her feel as helpless as a leaf caught up in a storm and she's scared—because, aside from confusion and guilt, she doesn't know what it really means.

 

Jessica thinks of Donghae, his handsome features, his carefree smile, and his soothingly deep voice. A twisted feeling of guilt crawls up into her chest, suffocating her, her actions weighing heavy on her conscience. Jessica swallows as a lump forms in .

 

She was the one who should apologise.

 

She was the bad guy.

 

The sinner.

 

He didn't know but she had already hurt him, broken the trust he had freely given her. She hates that's become that kind of person and Jessica digs her nails into the flesh her palms, its stinging pain barely allays the sudden self-loathing she feels.

 

She needed time to clear her head, untangle her confused thoughts and fix what had somehow broken within herself.

 

She needed space from Taeyeon.

 

Taeyeon who was too confusing, and too intense, a dangerous flame that burned too hot.

 

Taeyeon who had her heart racing with every touch.

 

Taeyeon who, although wasn't to blame for Jessica's self-loathing and guilt, is nevertheless intimately associated with them.

 

The fashion designer closes her eyes still seeing the darkness.

 

Jessica had Donghae, she should want Donghae and she should think only about Donghae. It was the least she could do, to make up for her stupid mistake.

 

“This is a mistake.”

 

She remembers her wavering voice, her death grip on her own forearm, clutching on to what little restraint she had and thumb pressing bruisingly hard into flesh, hoping that the pain would serve as a deterrent for what she was about to do.

 

“It's not.”

 

She flinches at the memory of Taeyeon's voice, hot pricks of tears forming in her eyes and she chokes back a strangled scoff as she realised how strangely fitting the answer had been, stealing away what little control Jessica had at the time. Jessica wipes the tears away with the back of her hand, stifling what was to become fully fledged droplets.

 

Coming back to Korea, meeting Taeyeon, dating Donghae felt like a mistake and Jessica finds she doesn’t know what it was she wanted anymore.

 

Jessica shakes away the confusing thoughts, cramming them into a dark corner in the back of her mind, and chaining them up. She needed to forget about Taeyeon, forget about that day in the studio, because it was the only way—the only way she could figure herself out.

 

I’m sorry.

-Taeyeon

 

[Delete?]

 

Her finger hovers over the red text.

 

[Message history cleared.]

 

Jessica turns off her phone, plunging the room back into darkness.

 

Taeyeon’s text disappears, unanswered.

/

Jessica runs her hands down the front of her white silk blazer, smoothing away non-existent creases. Her honey brown hair falls down past her shoulders, not a single hair out of place. She checks her reflection one final time.

 

"Jessica unnie!"

 

Krystal strides into the bathroom, coming to a standstill behind her. The younger Jung meets her eyes in the mirror, before gently placing two hands on her upper arms and turning Jessica around so that they were face to face.

 

"Quit stressing you look fine, unnie."

 

Jessica manages a weak smile.

 

She's glad that she at least looks the part, even if she felt anything but fine. She wondered if Krystal could tell as well, but if her sister noticed, the other girl made no comment about it.

 

"I suppose I should congratulate you now for opening Blanc's flagship store in Korea." Krystal says, grinning at Jessica, excitement twinkling in her eyes. Jessica finds Krystal's good mood lightens her own and it is something she didn’t realise she needed until it was taking effect, lifting a weight off her shoulders.

 

"Thanks, Krys."

 

"I'm really proud of you, Jessica." Krystal says earnestly, her arms find their way around the shorter girl, wrapping Jessica in a loose embrace. "Honestly, I couldn't be more honoured to model for your brand. Not only because it’s my big sister's work, but because I genuinely think your work is amazing."

 

"Stop being such a sweet talker." Jessica says into Krystal's hair, stifling the happy tears that were welling up. "I still have work to do because I still have to impress tonight."

 

"You're going to be great. You were born for this."

 

Jessica sighs into her sister's shoulder. Krystal seemed to know exactly what to say to calm her down. It had always been like this and Jessica's glad to find something that had remained unchanged, untainted by the recent chaos in her life.

 

Jessica untangles herself from Krystal's embrace, pulling back just enough so she could meet Krystal’s eyes, her hands remaining on her sister’s forearms in a gentle grip.

 

"Come on, let's head there now before I am tempted to freak out again."

 

Krystal laughs and the sound echoes loudly off the walls of the bathroom, filling Jessica's ears with its hearty sound.

 

"Yeah, I can see you doing that."

 

"Because I have done that already, like 5 times."

 

Jessica huffs exaggeratedly and as if to emphasis her point, she runs her fingertips down the front of her black button up blouse, feeling the buttons bump against her finger pads, a stark textural contrast to the shirt’s fine material.

 

"Unnie, your date is waiting for you." Krystal says cheekily, watching as Jessica's face morphs from a pout to surprise, eyebrows jumping upwards.

 

"How did you know?"

 

Donghae.

 

Guilt still wells up in , settling as a lump, making it difficult to breath and she wonders how much longer she would feel this way every time she thought of the man.

 

Jessica wishes that the feeling would stop plaguing her, but a part of her is afraid—afraid of what it would mean when she no longer felt guilty, because maybe it meant that she no longer felt remorse or that she had truly become what she feared –a horrible person. The uncomfortable wave of emotion that threatens to overwhelm her at the thought is a scary one.

 

"Donghae oppa texted me for advice." Krystal says nonchalantly, as if she were talking about something as normal as the weather, oblivious to Jessica’s internal anguish.

 

"What did you say to him?" Jessica manages to ask as the guilt finally eases again, as always, its hold is paralysing but brief, and as quickly as it comes, it retreats, lurking in the shadows and waiting for its next opportunity to strike.

 

"Don't be nervous, unnie. I give great advice!"

 

"You watch too many dramas!" Jessica protests, "Don't blame me for feeling apprehensive about your advice."

 

"Unnie, shh." Krystal puts a finger against her lips, making a shushing motion. "I can't hear you over the greatness of my advice."

 

"Yah! Jung Soojung!"

 

Krystal jumps away from her sister, dashing away with a mischievous glint to her eyes and a quickness to her step that was always present when the younger girl knew she was in trouble.

 

Jessica can’t help but smile at Krystal’s antics. Shaking her head, she picks up her handbag from off the benchtop in the kitchen and follows Krystal out the front door of her apartment.

/

If anyone was the physical embodiment of the handsome, Jessica is sure Donghae would be the defining example. Donghae’s hair is styled into a quiff, his bangs are slicked back, no longer messily obscuring his forehead and it draws attention to his masculine features, accentuating his high nose bridge and bright eyes. He is dressed for the occasion, wearing a single ed black suit jacket with a shawl type lapel, and the fitted silhouette of the jacket fits snugly against his broad shoulders.

 

“Hi Jessica,” Donghae greets with a warm smile and an equally warm hug. As he draws her close, Jessica allows herself to lean into him, finding comfort in his solid and dependable presence.

 

What did she do to deserve this?

 

What did he do to deserve her betrayal?

 

Stop. Now was not the time to think about that.

 

“Thanks for coming, Donghae.”

 

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t come to support you on this very important day. You’re going to be great, Jessi.”

 

“I hope so.”

 

“You will be.” Donghae says firmly, wrapping a protective arm around her shoulders and giving her a reassuring squeeze.

 

“Miss Jessica?”

 

Jessica turns at the sound of her name finding one of her assistants standing at the doorway.

 

“Do you want to check over everything one last time prior to the start of the event?”

 

Jessica nods.

 

“I suppose I should…how much time left?”

 

“About 15 minutes, Miss Jessica. The guests have arrived and are just waiting outside now.”

 

“And Krystal?”

 

“Miss Krystal has finished changing and she’s chatting with some of the guests right now.”

 

Jessica nods again before she strides towards the doorway, her heels clacking against the marble floor and Donghae following not far behind. The three of them move into the adjoining room.

 

Jessica surveys the area around her, taking in the displays and mannequins with sharp, keen eyes, trying to spot any imperfections she had missed on prior inspections. Luckily, everything is in place—perfect as they should be and the only thing the room is missing were the guests.

 

She turns towards her assistant.

 

“Sulli-ssi, are the refreshments all sorted?”

 

The other girl nods.

 

“And the technicians know what they are doing…?—What about the photographers?”

 

As if sensing her growing anxiety, Donghae steps in closer, placing a hand on her lower back, calming the nerves that were quickly surfacing.

 

“Jessi, relax. I’m sure Sulli-ssi, has looked into it all already. You made sure yourself.”

 

Jessica closes her eyes at the deep calming tones of Donghae’s reassuring voice. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she gathers herself, regaining her compose.

 

“Let’s go greet the guests.”

/

The animated chatter fills the rooms with its lively energy, bouncing off the walls and making everything seem brighter, more radiant than it was a defining moment of her life, but it wasn’t quite right, like a painting that hung on a wall, askew, tilted by a couple of degrees and what starts off as a trivial discomfort, like a stone in her shoe, eats away at her insidiously until she can’t help but notice an emptiness where her heart is supposed to be.

 

“Congratulations, Jessica.”

 

Jessica receives the words with a bow and she forces the corners of her lips upwards, pulling into a polite smile.

 

“Kim Jaehyun-ssi, thank you. It’s an honour having you come tonight.”

 

The other fashion designer waves off Jessica’s comment.

 

“There’s no need to be so polite, Jessica. Call me Jaehyun. I’m very impressed with your work.”

 

“Thank you, it means a lot coming from someone as successful and outstanding as yourself.”

 

“I’m sure you’re on your way to carving out a name in this industry. Your own successes are still to come, Jessica. Have faith.”

 

The woman smiles warmly at Jessica, clasping a hand onto her shoulder in solidarity and encouragement and Jessica hopes the woman’s words are as prophetic as they are a blessing, because she really needed something—anything—to go according to plan.

 

“Now, who’s this dapper gentleman with you tonight, hmm? A special someone? You’ve got yourself quite a catch, you lucky girl.”

 

Jessica feels herself blushing at the teasing tone Jaehyun is using, although she knows that the woman was clearly baiting said reaction from her. Beside her, Donghae’s eyes disappear into curved lines as he gives the woman a radiant smile, flashing his pearly white teeth.

 

“Hello, Kim Jaehyun-ssi. I’m Donghae and you’re mistaken, I’m the lucky one.” He casts a tender, affectionate look in Jessica’s direction, and Jessica falters under its transparency. His feelings were openly painted on his face, his trust and devotion to her without question.

 

The brunette swallows back the horrible feeling rising in , leaving a burning sensation in and the taste of acid in .

 

Donghae continues to talk.

 

“We’ve known each other for four years, and been on and off for two. This one here, wouldn’t let me make it official—until now, that is—since she wasn’t living Korea but in the States. Now that Blanc’s here, back home…”

 

Donghae trails off. He wraps an arm around her shoulder and Jessica feels burdened by its weight. She struggles to reconcile her desire to be comforted and her knowledge that she did not deserve any of Donghae’s kind words because she wasn’t the girl he described—that was someone else, a different Jessica—one that she had destroyed and now replaced.

 

“Have you met my sister, Jaehyun-ssi?”

 

Jessica changes the topic, trying to ignore the strange feeling that suddenly comes over her—a disturbing feeling that her skin didn’t quite fit right, like she did not belong in it—an imposter, a fake.

 

“No, I don’t think I have.”

 

“Oh, then you should! I’ll introduce you.”

 

Jessica cranes her neck, searching for the tall form of her sister. Her eyes scan the room and she finds Krystal in the centre of the room, conversing with some of the guests, and as she goes to call out to her sister, her eyes land on someone else.

 

Jessica pales, feeling blood draining from her face.

 

Her stomach plunges at the sight of the familiar figure, dread gripping her heart, squeezing it until Jessica feels as though it was going to burst from the pressure.

 

“Krystal? Come over here for a second.” Jessica voice sounds hoarse to her own ears, feels parched, and scratchy like she’d been yelling for days and was on the verge of losing her voice.

 

Her sister excuses herself from the people she had been talking to and ambles over to Jessica, face morphing into worry as she catches sight of Jessica’s pale complexion and strangely panicked eyes.

 

A hand gently covers Jessica’s, squeezing it once in silent concern.

 

Are you okay, unnie?

 

Jessica squeezes back.

 

I will be.

 

Jaehyun looks between the two of them, a slow spreading recognition upon her face.

 

“Krystal’s your sister?”

 

Jessica is vaguely aware that she is nodding, but she feels far away, like her mind had already dissociated from her body and she had become a bystander, numbly watching the scene as it unfolds before her. She sees Krystal lean forward, offering the fashion designer a handshake.

 

“Kim Jaehyun-ssi, right? It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I hope I will be fortunate enough to work with you in the future.”

 

“Ahh, I see you two sisters are both polite and pretty.” Jaehyun winks at Krystal, who, like the rest of the Korean population, knew of the model extraordinaire. “I will look forward to working with both of you in the future.”

 

Jessica’s eyes drift back towards the crowd, hearing the conversation Krystal was having with the fashion designer, but the words sound far away and they barely register in her mind.

 

Dark furious eyes catch her own, rooting her in place under their intensity and Jessica flinches.

 

“Jaehyun, Donghae, Krystal, excuse me for a bit…there’s someone I need to speak to.”

 

She slips out from under Donghae’s arm and squeezes Krystal’s hand again before releasing it, letting her hand fall back to her side. Jaehyun’s nods at her, indicating she was fine with Jessica’s departure and wordlessly, Jessica moves into the crowd. Choruses of congratulations are absently thrown her way and she accepts them with polite nods and equally respectful bows.

 

Finally, she comes face to face with the unexpected visitor and the air pressure changes around them. It was as though Jessica had stepped into another world—one owned by the red-haired idol—and one in which Jessica was judged by a whole different set of rules.

 

“Tiffany…” Jessica says hesitating slightly before managing to get the rest of her sentence out, knowing that the idol was not here to talk pleasantries. “What are you doing here?”

 

Tiffany’s eyes narrow, a corner of her lip curls upwards in contempt. Disbelief makes itself evident on her face and the idol’s eyes are full of offence at Jessica’s words, burning right into Jessica’s own, making the brunette shrink back.

 

“You gave Taeyeon an invitation to the opening or are you so cruel that you conveniently forgot about it? Do you even think about how she is feeling right now?”

 

“I—I haven’t been thinking about her.”

 

An uncontrollable shiver runs down Jessica’s spine as she lets memories of the idol surface—letting herself freely think about Taeyeon, without restraint and without guilt. It was the first time in a long while, that she hadn’t pushed away thoughts of Taeyeon as soon as they surfaced and locked them away from her conscious mind.

 

“Clearly.” Tiffany scoffs, the sound is blunt, hard-edged and delivered in a manner that is meant to bruise.

 

“I know this doesn’t make much sense, but I just can’t see her now…” Jessica whispers, swallowing thickly. Seeing Taeyeon would destroy her progress, leaving her back in square one. She wa