PART II:

xv. Only Then

"We don't know what will happen to us later

But I like that nothing's decided

Who cares what others say?

We can't live without each other, so what's the problem?

We can be more in love together"

TAEYEON

Expectation is a difficult thing. And no one tells you that it’s worse when there are feelings involved. Or that life changing decisions aren’t solely hers to make.

 

So, Taeyeon goes on pretending she isn't waiting on a call. Goes as far as to purposely distance herself whenever she spots her phone lying innocently on the table or to retract her hand in haste whenever she bumps into its corners patting around her pockets for earphones that are not there.

 

These are honest mistakes that are too easy to make.

 

Some days, she'll slip and too many emotions will force their way to the surface, making easy work of her heart, twisting its strings upon itself and creating knots that are not easily undone.

 

It makes it hard to not think about what has happened and what might happen.

 

Then there's other things, like context, and she sees them clearly again, out on that rooftop, one side of a goodbye. She shouldn't get caught up in it all, but it's hard not to think about the unspoken promises that had been written in Jessica’s soft eyes and in her tender touches, hard not to search for intention in every action and reaction. Maybe it was a pointless endeavour, fighting these types of thoughts, but she wonders if she'll get points for trying nevertheless.

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

Taeyeon blinks, Tiffany’s face comes into focus. The rest of the world follows too, cutting through the fog of thoughts Taeyeon had been wandering in. Unable to see the forest for the trees. Lost.

 

“Sorry, spaced out. I’m okay, really.” Taeyeon says, trying to save Tiffany from asking, having guessed at Tiffany’s next round of questioning. She shakes her head, trying to clear the cloud of haze still settled around the edges.

 

“You’ve been doing this for a while now…since…” Tiffany trails off, eyes flicking downwards to gauge Taeyeon reaction, her lower lip drawn between teeth. “Is everything really okay?”

 

“It will be.”

 

Taeyeon trusts Jessica; always have and always will—that’s never changed.

 

“Sure?”

 

“Yes.” Taeyeon says firmly, then remembers to nod too.

 

“You’ve been staring, or rather, trying not to stare at your phone lately. Expecting a call from her?”

 

“I—I am.” Taeyeon confirms. They both knew who the her Tiffany had referred to was.

 

“Is it all good between the two of you?”

 

Tiffany regards Taeyeon with genuine care eyes, and like her words, they were void of any negative judgement behind them. Taeyeon thinks of the old hostility that had coloured both Tiffany and Krystal’s actions. A lot had changed, herself included.

 

(Would Jessica would be able to see that? See her for who she was now and not for who she had once been.)

 

“I think so.”

 

Taeyeon believes this. She really does.

 

“Good, because our schedules are filling up again and we need our leader here with us.”

 

Taeyeon turns her head at the sound of the new voice—Sooyoung’s. She finds that the rest of the girls have crowded the doorway, half-leaning on one another, having been drawn by Tiffany’s ever-so-loud voice.

 

It’s not surprising, or at least shouldn’t be, but to a degree, she finds that she still is.

 

Gratefulness, arrives suddenly too and Taeyeon feels this in abundance towards her members—sisters, she corrects—for being there for her when she was at her lowest, when she had the car crash and even now in this mess with Jessica. They stood by her and she doubts she could ever repay them for all they've done.

 

Motioning for them to join her on the couch, she is soon swallowed up in the warm embrace of four other girls. A smile, encouraged by these feelings of fondness, slowly crawls onto Taeyeon’s lips and settles there with an easy familiarity.

 

“I missed you guys too.” She says as well, the words mumbled into someone—quite possibly, Seohyun’s—hair. They answer her the way they know best, by pulling her tighter into the embrace.

 

Only Tiffany pulls back slightly to give Taeyeon one of her signature eye smiles and amongst the matching smiles and the tangle of limbs, the lingering slivers of Taeyeon’s melancholic mood are fully dispelled.

 

Expectation is a difficult thing, but it’s a lot easier to deal with when it doesn’t feel like all or nothing; when she’s got some semblance of certainty to fall back on, things that will remain unchanged with the seasons, things like friendship and family.

 

And in due time, the call will come.

 

Because Jessica is Jessica and because Taeyeon wants to believe that they'll talk again—that they'll finally make peace with all that has happened: for better or for worse.

/

It’s been a while.

 

There are stolen glances, casual conversation and a polite distance, all of which come with the territory of photoshoots and events and the boundaries of a working relationship in a business context. These are moments to which they don’t have a sole claim to; they are to be shared with beneficiaries—distributed to the media, to the company and to what feels like anyone else who has ever invested in them.

 

So really, the correct statement would be: it’s been a while since Taeyeon’s been alone in Jessica's presence...which brings her back to the nerve-wracking situation she’s currently in, or about to be put in.

 

Intimidatingly, the door looms in front of her. There's a bouquet of flowers cradled in Taeyeon’s hands, and tucked somewhere amongst the petals and stems, is a card as well. Perhaps self-consciously, Taeyeon is aware that it reads: Congratulations! in tacky Hallmark font. Underneath that, she had also written: Thanks, it was a pleasure to work with you!

 

It comes off as a bit impersonal, but that was a trade-off, a part of her contingency plan, ready to pass the visit off as a friendly greeting or a courteous gesture and be done with it; the perfect cover should she run into unfriendly cameras.

 

It will be good press! someone had jokingly told her too.

 

She sighs.

 

Taeyeon frees one of her hands to knock on the door, acutely aware that her clammy palms betray the nervousness she feels coiled in the pit of her gut. She shifts her weight from foot to foot in the long seconds that follow.

 

The door swings open to reveal Jessica Jung.

 

Taeyeon’s heart stutters in her chest, falling into a rhythm that seems trip over itself in its haste to quicken. It's confirmation that this is what love feels like—what being in love feels like, that none of her feelings have changed and probably wouldn't for a long while—or ever.

 

"Hi." Taeyeon says breathlessly. Her head spins a little.

 

"Hi to you too." Jessica returns lightly, her lips stretching into a pretty smile. It suits her, Taeyeon thinks.

 

For an extended moment, just like they did out on the rooftop of Apex, they regard each other quietly.

 

Then, Jessica steps back and Taeyeon steps forward. There's significance in this, like they’ve come to an agreement of sorts, and maybe they’ve finally come to the same conclusion—that this is how it should play out.

 

Stepping closer to hand off the bouquet, Taeyeon is hit by the smell of Jessica's perfume and the scent of the flowers fade in an afterthought, paling in comparison. It’s impossible to not realise how much she's missed Jessica. Something stirs from its slumber deep inside her, saturating her body with its presence, a familiar longing ache that is only amplified by Jessica’s presence.

 

Their hands touch ever so slightly, a current of electricity passes between them.

 

Instinctively, Taeyeon averts her gaze, opting for the safety of the flowers instead, watching as Jessica twirls a petal between her thumb and forefinger.

 

"You didn't have to you know?" Jessica says, filling in the vacancy left by Taeyeon's reservations.

 

Taeyeon’s eyes flicker down to Jessica’s mouth, drawn by the gentle curve of her lips and the way the words form upon them. She thinks of the times they had kissed, thinks of how right it had felt to have Jessica’s lips pressed against hers...

 

“Taeng…”

 

There’s a gentle warning hidden amongst the way Jessica calls her name; it feels like a reprimand. Heat crawls up the back of her neck and into her cheeks too, flushing them a shade of faint pink.

 

Jessica’s not quite a lover, but not a stranger either; a fine line to walk and it feels like Taeyeon's overstepped somehow, like she’s done something she shouldn’t have.

 

“I’m sor—”

 

“Don’t.” Jessica says firmly, shooting her a look, then softens again, sighing as she does so. “W-we should talk...”

 

“Yeah.” Taeyeon agrees quietly, then pauses before continuing again. “Yeah, we should.”

 

Jessica moves further in the apartment and almost helplessly, Taeyeon quietly follows, pulled along by unseen forces, quite possibly the very ones that had kept them in the same orbits, tethered together for all these years.

 

There’s purpose and certainty in Jessica’s movements as she strides around the apartment. It makes Taeyeon feel small and a bit out of place. Things had evidently fallen in place in the time of Taeyeon's absence.

 

A vase is deftly filled up with Taeyeon’s flowers and carefully placed onto a table top, fitting right in with the surrounding décor, as if it had been there all along.

 

Taeyeon faintly wonders if it’s Krystal’s doing, if she had thought to give Jessica a courtesy call and conveniently mentioned something about Taeyeon and the flowers. After all, Krystal had been the one to give the suggestion to Taeyeon.

 

"Do you want water?" Jessica asks politely, breaking through her musings. Taeyeon hesitates, then wonders when small things like this had become such a big deal for her.

 

"Okay, sure."

 

Jessica nods at her and disappears into the kitchen, promising to be back in a short while.

 

Left alone, standing a little awkwardly in the middle of the living room, Taeyeon looks around. There’s slight shifts here and there, subtle enough to go unnoticed to most people, but the minor differences are glaringly obvious to her.

 

An extra lamp. A change of the paintings on the wall. A fresh coat of paint.

 

Taeyeon finds herself wandering around the room, moving to each of the new changes, scrutinising each new addition and subtraction, as though if she looked hard enough she may find the reasons for Jessica's choices reflected in them.

 

She stops in front of a simple shelf. there are photo frames neatly arranged, a collection of bright smiles and display of Jessica’s happiest moments with her friends and family. Taeyeon raises her hand, her fingers curling around the edges of the frames; her touch lingers with wistfulness.

 

“Hey.”

 

Quickly pulling back her hand to her side, Taeyeon spins around and is met with the sight of Jessica approaching, a glass of water clutched in each hand.

 

“You redecorated.” Taeyeon says. It slips out of as a statement rather than the question that Taeyeon had intended for it to be. She defensively tells herself that it's just small-talk, or at least a poor attempt at it, and that it's not and will never be anything else. (An accusation)

 

Jessica pauses, stopping halfway to Taeyeon, standing in the middle of the living room. Briefly, something akin to surprise flickers across her face, but then it's gone, layered over and smothered by the measured evenness of a tightly controlled expression.

 

“I felt like I needed the change.”

 

Taeyeon swallows thickly. Jessica's words make her feel like a fool. The statement peels at the edges like old paint and there's too many implications behind the words. The meaning hidden behind Jessica’s casual demeanour is sharply effective. It doesn't really matter though; what’s done is done.

 

Taking a deep breath through her nose, Taeyeon drags herself over to the couch.

 

"That only seems fair." Taeyeon settles for instead and finds that it hurts less if she’s honest about it. Her lips draw into a lopsided smile, the kind that never fails to make her chin dimple appear.

 

It's Jessica's turn to sigh and the brunette closes the rest of the distance between them, sets the glasses down on the coffee table nearby, then sits down by Taeyeon. The couch sinks slightly with her added weight.

 

Taeyeon just kind of panics. Jessica's within a heartbeat's distance—the sweetest kind of torture; they're so close yet still so far, separated only by the smallest of movements in either direction, by either one of them.

 

"Taeyeo—Taeng." Jessica starts softly and drops her gaze to her lap, picks at invisible lint on her jeans with her slender fingers. Taeyeon holds her breath, and everything else just falls away, becoming muffled in the way being underwater does to your senses.

 

"I-I remember."

 

Taeyeon a sharp breath between her teeth and has to steady herself against the armrest of the couch. Her fingernails bite into the flesh of her palm and the pain anchors her to this moment, searing it intensely into her memory.

 

"Sica..." Like her hands, her voice trembles and breaks, crumbling under the suffocating surge of emotion that fills her chest and clogs .

 

There’s a thought resonates in her mind, ringing endlessly in her ears. Jessica hadn't said: I miss you or some variant of I love you, instead Jessica has just said: I remember, and for some reason it's more poignant, more painful and more significant all at the same time.

 

It fit in all the right ways; the final piece of their jigsaw, carefully placed and locked into place. Reminding her of the settling of the snowflakes in a snow globe or the way a foggy window is wiped free of condensation on cold winter mornings.

 

Jessica's hand traverses the distance between them, fumbling for hers, searching for an anchor, for support and Taeyeon meets her halfway, entwining their fingers, locking their palms together, as though she was unwilling to ever let go again. The feeling of Jessica’s hand in hers brings with it the weight of certainty her, blanketing her heart with its warmth.

 

"I'm mad at you for blindsiding me," Jessica says, not unkindly and keeps her gazes fixed to their clasped hands. "But not for this." Jessica gestures between them with her free hand. " —not for falling in love with you again, Taeyeon."

 

Letting Jessica’s words sink in, Taeyeon nods after a short while. She concedes, takes the blame that she deserves for the role that she’s played in their lack of transparency.

 

"You have every right to be, Sica.”

 

But Jessica needs to see Taeyeon’s dilemma too, to see that she'd been trapped between a rock and a hard place.

 

“It was hard for me to swallow, let alone bear the responsibility of informing you, Jessica. I never wanted to burden you with that type of knowledge or with that type of pain either."

 

After a brief lull, Jessica speaks again, shaking her head sadly.

 

"Fate has a habit of playing cruel jokes on us." Taeyeon tilts her head questioningly, but Jessica makes no move to elaborate any further. "I'm sorry I took so long...After Apex, after I had Dr Kwon restore my memories, I had a lot to think about. Years worth of memories and feelings to sort through and make sense of...and it's just so..."

 

Jessica trails off, grimacing.

 

"It's painful." Taeyeon finishes and her memories flash her back to those agonising days in the hospital. "The dissonance of it all. It feels like your head and your heart are both being torn apart. The world you've always known is exposed to be a lie and the things you've always trusted to be true, thrown out the window. There's a tear straight down the middle and you don't know to which side you or your emotions are supposed to belong."

 

"That's how I felt too..."

 

"Well then, aren't we just quite a fitting pair?" Taeyeon says lightly and pairs it with a gentle shoulder check. It's enough brings a semblance of a smile to Jessica's face.

 

"Taeyeon, for these few weeks, I tried to give us some space, pretend that you and I never had anything beyond a work relationship—tried out a life without you and what I came to realise is that I can't and more importantly, don't want to live like that."

 

Jessica turns to fully face Taeyeon and her bright, pleading eyes slide up to meet Taeyeon’s directly, as though Jessica was cupping her own heart in her hands and offering it openly for Taeyeon to take—the very one that had been battered and bruised, all by Taeyeon’s doing.

 

A shiver of disbelief dances its way down Taeyeon’s spine and maybe a part of her heart cracks at the sight too. A part of her doesn’t feel deserving of this—this was madness…

 

"I was once miserable with you. Yet I choose stay, so please, don't let it happen again." Jessica barely manages to get the words out, her fragile voice struggles. The column of moving up and down as she swallows against the lump in . Her eyes glisten with the threat of tears. "Not even when we grow tired, when we fall back into the same habits."

 

"Jessica..." Taeyeon starts, or at least tries to, the rest of what she wanted to say getting lodged somewhere between her heart and . With a heavy heart, she begins to raise a hesitant hand, wanting to wipe Jessica’s tears as they fall, but suddenly, finds that her hand has too, become impossibly heavy.

 

"I love you, Taeyeon."

 

In this context, those few words sound like a proposal, the sealing of Jessica's own fate, the recklessness of it all, throwing caution into the wind despite the odds stacked against them. Why was Jessica willing to risk sacrificing her happiness in this manner?

 

Yet, it's as hopelessly romantic as words come and Taeyeon maybe they were a perfect match, imperfectly perfect, flawed in all the right places for this mess of theirs to still be called love.

 

"Jessica, I love you...” The fashion designer's eyes flutter close, instinctively leaning into the touch as Taeyeon brings her hand up to brush against the slope of her cheek. “I always have and I always will but you don’t need to be miserable—We don’t need to be miserable to be together. "

 

Taeyeon's eyes skate over her lover's face. The long thick lashes, her delicate nose, her sharp features, her thin pink lips. Ones she has tasted and would never get sick of.

 

Taeyeon will never get tired of worshipping this woman, this goddess, in front of her. She was foolish enough to lose her once. There is no way she was dumb enough to make the same mistake twice, to repeat her past transgressions.

 

Jessica. Jessica. Jessica.

 

Taeyeon repeats the name like a mantra, a prayer to whatever deity or god that would listen to please let her keep this woman, to please let them break their endless cycle of push and pull, of hurting each other.

 

"I don’t want us to miserable." Taeyeon whispers, the same vulnerability Jessica had felt spilling out of the cracks in her heart, out between her ribs and soaking through her skin.

 

"I would like that." Jessica admits, eyes flickering up to meet Taeyeon's in a steady gaze. Taeyeon finds the same affliction of love reflected in the warm brown orbs.

 

It's the need, or the want, to do better, be better and love better that drives her to say her next words. She needs Jessica to understand what this relat