PART I

ii. Eternal Sunshine

"If I had a way to erase my memory, what would I do?

When I open my eyes tomorrow and have no memory of you, would I live comfortably?

A person called you, the happiness called you, the pain called you

If it all disappears, it’s like I would disappear too."

September 2014

Apex Inc.

The sliding doors glide open in an automatic greeting as Jessica approaches the threshold of the entrance.

“Welcome, please step this way.”

She’s barely inside and she’s whisked away by one of the attentive attendants, wide smile plastered on their faces. She’s lead down a long hallway, all white walls and black doors leading to office rooms, each one with occupants undergoing a consultation. Wisps of muffled conversation float through the walls, inhabiting the space she is currently traversing through.  

Her footsteps sound loud to herself. The carpet beneath her feet does nothing to muffle the thumping and Jessica is suddenly aware of the drumming noise in her chest; the sound radiating up to her eardrums, the rhythm echoing her footsteps. The attendant slows down in front of her, stepping aside and gesturing towards the open door to her right. His wide smile unchanging, still plastered upon his face.

Jessica lingers at the threshold between the hallway and the office, drawing in a deep breath, and steels her resolve, ready to face the upcoming ordeal.

Kim Taeyeon

Despite her previous preparation, she still feels a dull ache developing in her chest as her eyes take in the figure sitting in one of the two empty seats at the desk and despite this, her gaze still lingers.  

“Miss Jung, now that you have arrived, we can begin.” Jessica averts her eyes, and quickly strides to her seat.   

“My name is Dr Kwon Yuri, and I will oversee your case. As you know, Apex Inc. offers memory alteration services. Our technology is still undergoing improvements and upgrades as such. Currently, we can remove memories associated with particular events, or I guess, an entire person’s existence.”

“What are the risks?” Taeyeon’s voice sounds devoid of emotion and Jessica finds herself stiffening in her seat.

“Well, the procedure itself can be considered a form of brain damage, however, there are no adverse complications associated with the procedure. We will sign a legal contract agreeing to be liable for any faults or complications, should any occur. Apex is confident that this is a risk-free, complication-free procedure. Have you brought the legal contract with your signatures?”

Taeyeon takes out a stack of papers. The same stack Jessica had left with Taeyeon before she’d walked out. The last page now had both their signatures.

“Here.”

“I will now sign this as well to witness that they are both your signatures and that consent for the procedure is given.”

The doctor signed the witness section casually, as if she’d done this procedure a thousand times, completely unperturbed by the notion of erasing memories, of erasing people from each other’s lives. People who walked into her office connected and walked out of the clinic strangers.

“Feel free to say anything you want to each other, the attendants will take you to your separate capsules for extraction in a bit.”

This was her choice, her only way of moving on.

And this was what Taeyeon wanted too, a clean slate, a life without her.

“Thank you, Taeyeon.”

Jessica turned around, exited the room and followed the waiting attendant deeper into the clinic. There was no use in lingering longwinded goodbyes, no use in committing the beautiful face of the other to memory, not when it would be erased anyway.

/

Taeyeon splashed the cold water onto her own face, droplets trailed down her cheeks, chasing the ghosts of her tears. She gripped the edge of basin, her knuckles turning white with the effort. The water continued to run and flow down the drain; like the trickle of time Taeyeon thought sardonically.  

She exhaled and glanced up at the reflection in the mirror.

At herself.

Those dark eyes gazed back at her. Tiffany was right, she looked like . Dark eye shadows had settled beneath her eyes, beneath her cheekbones and a constant crease had etched itself into the space between her eyebrows. Defeat weighed down on her body.  

All she could see in herself was a broken figure full of hurt and despair.

Should she have done anything differently?

Should she have …

No.

This was what was bound to happen. There was no room for romance in her soon to be idol life. All she could do was hurt Jessica. This outcome was the best.

But then why the organ in her chest beat so hard? Straining against its restraints; tugging, pulling and struggling with every beat and every thought of Jessica?

Why did her breathing come in gasps? Why were there the mocking pinpricks in her eyes, heralding the arrival of tears?

Why did the feeling of regret define every thought she had?

Despite everything she told herself, that she didn’t care, that this was the destined outcome. Why did it hurt so much?  

Was it her fault?

There was no use