PART II

viii. All Of A Sudden

"You haven't laughed out loud yet

Are we that awkward with each other?

We did so many things together

But you haven't given a single look or touch"

 

JESSICA

Jessica pulls her phone from under the messy pile of paperwork occupying the greater part of her work desk, having been sick of its incessant vibrating. The afternoon sun streams through the ceiling to floor glass windows offering a view of the almost picturesque skyline of LA. Jessica loved the view, it reminded her of everything that wasn't Korea—the palm trees, the golden sun and the wide expanse of the shoreline only a short drive away.

 

Swiping across her screen, she finds she's missed a few calls from her sister, and at the top of her notifications is a text from Krystal received 5mins ago.

 

Maybe it was something urgent.

 

Jessica sighs, wondering if she'd ever get reprieve from her life back in Korea, and she finds it ironic that months ago she had been full of longing for her hometown, but now she ran. Ran from the confusion, the mistake and from impossible decisions.

 

But her actions also meant she had inadvertently abandoned her sister again and a twinge of guilt gnaws at her conscience—she had never wanted to leave Krystal behind, not when they'd begun to fill in the time they had already lost.

 

5 mins ago - call me okay?

5 mins ago - Have you checked the news??

6 mins ago - Jessica unnie...

 

What news?

 

A touch of concern flutters through her stomach gracing her with its foreboding presence, flickering in and out of her awareness, like an eerie shadow of sorts.

 

Jessica's eyes flicker to the digits displayed on her phone and her mind, accustomed to the arithmetic, having done so many times in the past, quickly converts them to the current Korean time. It was still quite early in the morning in Seoul, but seemingly late enough for Krystal to be awake.

 

Jessica presses Krystal number, before holding the phone to her ear as the call dials, greeting her with the steady tone of its ringing.

 

"Jessi?"

 

"Hi Krys, is everything okay? Are you okay?"

 

"Unnie...I don't know what happened between the two of you-"

 

Jessica’s confused for a split second, Krystal’s tone strangely knowing of a situation she wasn’t supposed to be privy to, and Jessica narrows her eyes, face hardening in anticipation of the inevitable set of words—of reprimand and of smug satisfaction—that were going to come from her sister.

 

"I don't want to speak abou-"

 

"She's hurt. Taeyeon’s hurt—she was in a car accident and she's in the hospital now."

 

The unexpected words pulls the rug from beneath her and the frown slips off her face, toppling and falling to the ground. Krystal's voice wavers as it twists on itself, collapsing and for a moment, Jessica wishes that she had mistook the way Krystal's voice had cracked with that of the static.

 

But it's an irrational thought and Jessica can neither unhear nor ignore its existence.

 

Jessica's heart clenches, finding it hard to fight the waves of panic that sweep over her, each larger than the previous, threatening to drag her under and pull her away in their tide. Her lips move on their own accord but no sound comes out, unable to find the words to translate her jumbled thoughts into speech.

 

"Unnie..."

 

Krystal whispers, seemingly having interpreted her sister's cold silence as indifference toward the idol, and Krystal wonders what had to had to have happened for her sister—her warm-hearted sister—to react this way.

 

The silence persists and somewhere amongst the growing panic and conflict in her heart; a twisted labyrinth—because she really shouldn't be thinking about Taeyeon—Jessica finds herself treading down a singular path, winding and unidirectional, lined on either side by the thorny branches of rosebushes.

 

Taeyeon.

 

Taeyeon was in a car accident.

 

She was hurt.

 

In hospital.

 

And when she arrives at its end—at the intended destination—having being guided by the tugging of her heart and her subconscious mind, a single thought crystallises, becoming as clear as the blue sky above, and soaring just as high.

 

Overshadowed are her original plans, and she wonders how the distance—the vast expanse of ocean and the 16 hours between them—had unknowingly become a curse rather than a blessing and how she had become void of all desire to stay away, and was instead, full of a longing to be in Seoul—to be by Taeyeon’s side.

 

"I need to see her."

/

Hyoyeon snaps her head up when Jessica strides in her office, forgoing her usual habit of knocking on the wooden surface of Hyoyeon’s office door and the brunette’s hair looks almost windswept, ruffled, like the feathers of a bird before taking flight, wild and unruly. There’s an urgency in Jessica’s eyes that Hyoyeon hadn’t witnessed before.

 

“Hyo, can I speak with you for a second?”

 

Hyoyeon makes a move to slide her laptop to the side, clearing the desk between them and Jessica collapses into the chair opposite Hyoyeon, brow knotted and a pink lip caught between her teeth.

 

“I need to ask you for a favour, as a friend.”

 

Hyoyeon nods slowly, beginning to feel a hint of caution settling in her mind. The anxious look in Jessica’s eyes tugs at something within the blonde’s chest, and Hyoyeon slips out of her role as a business partner with ease and into that of a close friend, a trusted counsel, ready to support her friend.

 

“Sure?”

 

Jessica seems to sense this shift as well, the tension in her shoulders and rigid formal posture melt into the chair as she sits down. The brunette her lips and taking a deep breath.

 

“I am flying back to Seoul tonight.”

 

The statement doesn’t make much sense and the blonde shows her surprise blatantly, her eyebrows shooting upwards and her eyes blinking rapidly trying to process the meaning behind the words. Jessica herself had been the one to express a strong desire to fly all the way out here, and being familiar with the patterns of her friend, it was an action that indicated that Jessica had been, no doubt, trying to escape something back in Korea.

 

“You’re what?” Hyoyeon repeats, wondering if her ears were deceiving her, or if she had fallen asleep in her office and was in a dream.

 

“Flying back to Seoul.” Jessica says softly, as if she was afraid that the words would be less important, less significant somehow the second time around.

 

“Why?”

 

“There's a personal matter that I need to resolve.”

 

Hyoyeon thinks she hears just a small fraction of what Jessica was currently feeling, a slip of regret tinging the syllables, filling them with a strange mixture of longing and desperation and even Hyoyeon’s heart aches.

 

“Is this about your boyfriend’s proposal? Because if it is…”

 

“No…”

 

Jessica just shakes her head, staring past Hyoyeon’s head and out the windows behind her, out towards the tall buildings outlining the city’s silhouette, each as formidable and sleek as the next.

 

“Oh.” Hyoyeon pauses, moving onto the next logical conclusion that her mind can come up with. “Is Krystal okay?”

 

Jessica turns her head, eyes meeting Hyoyeon’s once more.

 

“Krystal is fine. My family is fine...There’s—there’s just someone I need to see.”

 

The brunette trails off and Hyoyeon thinks she’s finally managed to grasp an inkling of the situation, seeing a glimpse of the reason for Jessica’s sudden change in heart and in hindsight, it was so blatantly obvious—the pain, the regret, the desperation—because the fashion designer was following her heart, advice that Hyoyeon herself had given.

 

But who was at the other end? Who was this person that Jessica was holding onto? Hyoyeon wants to ask her friend, but she doesn’t and instead, bites her tongue, clamping her lips together into a line. Jessica wasn’t ready to answer.

 

“So, what’s the favour you need me to do, Jessi?” Hyoyeon says instead—a much simpler question that the brunette was willing and able to answer.

 

Jessica casts her eyes down towards the desk between them, averting her eyes from Hyoyeon’s.

 

“Can forgive me for leaving again so suddenly?”

 

Hyoyeon frowns at the words, not understanding why Jessica would think that she’d blame her in any way shape or form. If it weren’t for Hyoyeon, the fashion designer would not have had to fly half way across the world, having to sacrifice important time that could have been spent on their Korean ventures, to fix the problem in the States in the first place.

 

If anyone was to ask for forgiveness, it was Hyoyeon herself.

 

“Jessica, I actually feel bad for letting the situation get so out of hand, this is technically my mess and I’m already so grateful for your help, so don’t worry about me. But Jessica, are you okay…?”

 

The brunette’s eyes flicker to the blonde's, uncertainty swimming their depths, tainting its clear reflections with its murky presence and Hyoyeon feels that Jessica was already miles away.

 

“I’m—I’m fine. I just need to be in Seoul right now.”

 

“Then go home and pack, Jessi...I'll take care of everything here. Just have a safe flight and please, take care of yourself.”

 

Jessica nods in affirmation, half rising from the seat as she flashes a grateful smile at Hyoyeon. The blonde offers an encouragingly soft smile in return.

 

“I don’t know how long I’ll be in Seoul for, but I’ll be back, Hyo. I promised we would resolve this hiccup together didn’t I?”

 

Hyoyeon waves a hand dismissively.

 

If this was as important as Hyoyeon thought then Jessica needed the time and Blanc could wait, Blanc would survive without Jessica but without the trip back to Seoul, Jessica might not.

 

“There's no rush, Jessi. Take as long as you need.”

/

Jessica pulls her luggage off the carousel and she wonders when her life and her heart began to be in a constant state of flux, unsettled and lost without a permanent home, the way she seemed to be living out of her suitcase; personal belongings uprooted and flung halfway across the world at a moment’s notice.

 

She's lost and in more ways than one, racing from city and city on opposite sides of the world.

 

In the process, she was constantly losing pieces of herself, replacing them with whatever fragments she could salvage from the confusion around her and in doing so losing the person that the original pieces made up, like a half-completed jigsaw puzzle filled in with fragments from another box.

 

And the difference feels somehow significant.

 

Her phone rings as soon as she turns it off airplane mode and Jessica brings the device to her ear.

 

"Jessica unnie, I'm sorry I couldn't go pick you up..."

 

Krystal's voice crackles through the phone.

 

"It's okay, Krys. I didn't want your stalker crew." Jessica says trying to lighten the dark mood that was rapidly settling. "I'm going to take a cab to my apartment and then call Tiffany. I'll let you know if anything new comes up, okay."

 

"I hope Taeyeon is okay..."

 

"Me too..."

 

Jessica closes her eyes, battling away horrible images that flood to the forefront of her mind, ones that included an unconscious Taeyeon, face littered with cuts and bruises and fear shoots through her body. For a brief moment, she too felt the pain of the injuries, but no longer limited to a physical sensation, instead manifesting as thousands of tiny sharp cuts on her heart, littering its surface with a stinging pain.

 

Taeyeon had to be okay.

 

Please let her be okay.

 

Whilst Jessica remains trapped by the endless loop of terrifying images, standing there, alone and trembling, the world continues to move around her, unfazed and unaffected.

 

“Unnie…? I think Taeyeon’s going to be alright.”

 

Krystal’s soft voice whispers into her ear, gently drawing her attention away from her thoughts and Jessica thinks she hears a hint of genuine concern, for not only herself but for the idol as well. Something stirs inside her, a spark of hope perhaps and Jessica wonders when Krystal’s attitude towards Taeyeon had shifted.

 

“Krystal?”

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I thought you hated Taeyeon?"

 

"She’s not so bad." Krystal says cryptically, voice soft, but Jessica can hear a semblance of an apology; an admission that the spark of hope into a full-blown flame and Jessica finds herself imbued with a sense of optimism that she desperately needed in a time like this. It was enough for Jessica to cling onto—for now at least.

 

“Thank you, Krys.”

 

Jessica thanks her sister, voice overflowing with a tender gratefulness.

 

“I love you too, Unnie. Talk later? You have someone to go see.”

/

Jessica hasn’t considered how Tiffany might react to her call, and she doesn’t know why she had expected any different.

 

Because amidst the swirl of intense emotions of fear and desperation in the past 24 hours, she had been consumed with the singular thought of getting to Seoul and now that she was here, her only plan consisted of calling Tiffany.

 

Tiffany who was a firsthand witness to the aftermath of her abrupt departure from Taeyeon’s life.

 

Tiffany who was Taeyeon’s best friend.

 

Tiffany who out of all of the members was most likely to hold a grudge against her.

 

It wasn’t a great plan in hindsight.

 

Although it was only Tiffany’s voice resonating through the phone, Jessica can feel the biting cold of the red-haired idol’s antagonistic demeanour, syllables icy like the Winter wind, chilling Jessica to the bone, locking her jaw in place.

 

“She lets you into her life, and you don’t even have the decency to stay.”

 

Tiffany doesn’t hide her antipathy towards the fashion designer, the edge in her voice hard.

 

Jessica hangs her head, guilt crawls into the hollow in her chest and settles there, curling in on itself. Tiffany was right, she was to blame. Everything that had led to their fall out had been her fault, and her fault alone.

 

“…I know, but I want to see her again.”

 

Her words tumble out sounding like a desperate broken plea, a sliver of her bleeding heart and Jessica, despite knowing she didn’t have any right to, still can’t help but to request it.

 

“No, you don’t get the right to waltz in and out of her life as you please, Jessica Jung. It doesn’t work like that. Taeyeon’s not some toy you play with and just discard when you’re done with her.”

 

“The car accident…I need to know if she’s oka—”

 

“She’s okay.” Tiffany replies curtly, cutting Jessica’s protest off midsentence, voice sounding dead, void of any emotion. Jessica is left frozen with still open, the rest of the words robbed from .

 

She snaps shut.

 

“She doesn’t need you. Stay away from her. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“Your actions say otherwise.”

 

“Tiffany…I’m here now. I—I left everything behind and got on a plane, because as much as you think I don’t, I do…I care about her.”

 

“If you really cared, you wouldn’t have left in the first place.”

 

Jessica pales, feeling the weight of Tiffany’s words crushing down on her shoulders, their undeniable truth pressing down, oppressively hard and closes up, making it hard for her to breathe.

 

“You made it clear what you wanted. You were the one who left Taeyeon—left us—so why are you even back, Jessica?”

 

As Jessica opens struggling to find a response, it occurs to her that she doesn’t have an answer. Up until this moment, Jessica had been guided by instinct, acting on impulse and without precontemplation, without any need to justify for her actions.

 

Jessica had urgently purchased the plane tickets, had caught the plane to Seoul and left behind her business and friend in LA; swept along by a series of events without pause—without stopping to consider the meaning behind her actions.

 

And now, standing alone in the middle of her living room, Jessica freezes as everything shifts in focus, like the synchronisation of an audio track that had always been out of beat with its video counterpart; and her mind finally catches up to her actions; no longer lagging a step behind.

 

Everything becomes clear.

 

It was ironic, that she had found her truth—her clarity—in amongst the chaos. Clarity that had still eluded her even when she had caught a glimpse of it half away across the globe, and instead it revealed itself to her in the most counterintuitive of ways as she was once again drowning in the chaos.

 

“Tiffany, I was terrified and I still am. Do you know what it’s like to not know up from down, left from right or right from wrong? When I’m with Taeyeon, everything feels simultaneously right and wrong. She makes me feel as though I don’t need to know up from down, and the world just falls away.”

 

Taeyeon meant something important to her.

 

Something greater than what she could describe—like she was part of Jessica’s destiny, fate entwined intimately with her own.

 

In the wake of the revelation, there's something inside her that just swivels and clicks into place and it feels like discovering something that Jessica had never known she was searching for, like she had not known she was missing something until the final puzzle piece clicked into place and only then was she was suddenly privy to her prior state of incompleteness.

 

A choked sob crawls its way out of and a single hot tear escapes the corner of her eye, gliding down her face, sliding across the contours of her cheek. Jessica swallows thickly, tasting the bitter sweetness that has settled upon her tongue.

 

“I was scared of what it meant and the way she could make me feel so confused yet so drawn to her. I didn’t realise it sooner, but rain doesn’t fall without gravity and Taeyeon ?—Taeyeon is the gravity to my rain.”

 

Tiffany’s silent for a long while and Jessica would have thought the idol hung up on her, if not for the lack of a dial tone.

 

“Jessica.” Tiffany finally says, tone imbedded with a harsh warning, low; sounding somehow simultaneously raw and less guarded than before.

 

“Donghae.”

 

Jessica’s wracked with guilt again, but this time, she’s prepared and no longer overwhelmed, toppled by its presence, because she knows what she needs to do. She had been standing still for too long, indecisively so, watching as her actions culminated in mistake after mistake.

 

She had to correct things.

 

“Tiff, I want to be with her. It’s as complicated and as simple as that.” Jessica says earnestly, speaking the truth that had been shoved so deep into the darkest corners of her mind that when she finally pulls it out in the daylight, she barely recognises it as her own.

 

On the other end of the line, Jessica hears Tiffany’s voice harden again.

 

“Your actions speak louder than your words, Jessica and there is nothing you can say to change my mind—so please just stay away from Taeyeon.”

 

“I-I—”

 

“Taeyeon needs peace and you are far from it, Jessica—you are her chaos. Don't call me again, Jessica.”

 

Jessica flinches as the dial tone resonates in her ear.

 

She pads over to the nearest couch and collapses on it, curling up into a ball, knees tucked against her chest and as her heart begins to ache, the hot tears come to keep it company, running their course, like rivulets that pour straight from her heart into the outside world.

 

Falling in love didn’t feel anything like the fairy-tale that everyone spoke of.

/

“Was that Jessica unnie you were speaking to?”

 

Yoona has a stern expression painted on face, hardening her usually soft doe-like features. The tall idol steps up behind Tiffany, planting herself between Tiffany and the entrance of Taeyeon’s room, where the idol was currently sleeping. Her tall form blocks Tiffany’s path to Taeyeon’s room, trapping her in the hallway with no escape.

 

Tiffany breathes out through her nose nosily, spinning around and throwing her arms across her body, mirroring the sharp angles of rigid posture of the younger idol in front of her.

 

“Yes, Yoona.”

 

“Why was she calling? Is she back?”

 

Yoona’s tone is persistent and Tiffany knows the younger idol would not be satisfied by a vague response, so she braces herself for the upcoming conversation, and squares her shoulders.

 

“She’s back…and she wants to see Tae.”

 

Yoona doesn’t seem surprised at the words, and Tiffany wonders if the younger girl had been in contact with the fashion designer. Tiffany shakes away the thought immediately—Yoona would have mentioned it, surely.

 

“Jessica unnie is Taeyeon’s friend, she has every right to visit. She must care a lot for Taeng, especially since she flew all the way back from America.”

 

Tiffany turns her head away, avoiding Yoona’s expectant gaze, instead choosing to rest her eyes on Taeyeon’s peacefully sleeping face, free from creases of worry and marred only by cuts and bruises from the accident. Tiffany can’t help but feel an irrational desire to protect Taeyeon at all costs, to keep her face free of creases and eventually healed of her injuries.

 

At Tiffany's silence, realisation dawns on Yoona.

 

“Why are you stopping he