PART II

ix. Someday

"I didn’t appreciate my youth when I was young,

When I was in love with you,

I couldn’t see it either

But when I look back right now

We were young and really loved each other."

 

2013 - TAEYEON

The warm air of the summer evening simmers, filled with the buzzing of insects, and Taeyeon is acutely aware of its presence as it clings to their bare skin with a mild interest. It leaves Taeyeon feeling she was being swathed a cloth that was cut from something that was very much alive and breathing.

 

Beside her Jessica doesn't seemed too bothered by the heat, hands piled one on top of the other in a languid fashion, resting upon her stomach. The other girl is too preoccupied with the cloudless sky that was just dark enough for the light of the stars to begin peeking out from under their covers. The stars twinkle, as if excited to finally be free of the suffocating brightness of the sun and since the two of them were out on the outskirts of the city, the stars were also free from the light pollution of artificial origins.

 

The picnic rug is scratchy on her skin, but Taeyeon prefers it to the even drier, prickly surface of the grass underneath.

 

"How's all the training coming along?"

 

Jessica's no longer staring unblinkingly at the sky, but instead has her head turned to the side and is unabashedly staring at Taeyeon as though she too offered as much as the emerging stars in the sky, the full potential of their beauty waiting to be revealed when the time came.

 

Taeyeon swallows thickly, wondering what she did to deserve such a look.

 

"It's tough, but that never changes. There's so many of us that sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to make it. We're all so hardworking and I can see the same desperation I have mirrored in their eyes. They want it so badly too."

 

Taeyeon lets her arm fall limply, outstretched off the edge of the rug, sprawling onto the dried grass. Her fingers absently pick at and crush the dried vegetation, feeling its blades crumbing between her fingers. Taeyeon stares up at the inky black of the sky, searching for something beyond just that of the darkness it offered.

 

"You'll make it, Taeng." Jessica says with a quiet reassurance that is firmly resolute and Taeyeon finds it almost makes up for dismally minimal self-belief that she did had these days.

 

Day in and day out of criticisms, constant worrying on whether your singing or dancing score had improved from the prior week and the toxic atmosphere of competition left no room for that sort of self-assured positivity. What replaced it was the uncertainty of the future and uncertainty of yourself.

 

She, like many of the trainees when they had begun, had been filled with a naive optimism and cocky self confidence that had slowly been chipped away by the long days and now years of training. Seeing the way Jessica looked at her, believed in her and how much lighter the other girl's outlook on life was, Taeyeon wondered if idol training had chipped away more of herself than she thought.

 

The long years of sacrifice had already begun and Taeyeon grimly wonders what else she would end up losing in the years to come.

 

A falling star streaks across the sky and Taeyeon turns to Jessica wanting to share the discovery with the other girl. She finds that Jessica is already looking at the star and Taeyeon thoughts of following the star's trajectory is scrapped in favour of tracking along the brunette's side profile.

 

The sight is just as mesmerising.

 

Having watched the streak of light disappear, Jessica's eyes seek out Taeyeon's again. It's a look that is reserved solely for Taeyeon and even in the evening light, Taeyeon can't help but blush at how intimate it feels to be looked at like this—almost as though Jessica was seeing past her walls and directly into her soul.

 

"Thanks, Sica. I been feeling a bit overwhelmed and I guess I needed a reality check."

 

"You're lucky you have me to keep you grounded then." Jessica half-jokes, but her eyes retain a careful concerned look—one that speaks of wanting desperately to relieve Taeyeon of her stresses but simultaneously understanding of the longstanding twisted workings of the industry.

 

Taeyeon feels slightly guilty for letting her worries creep into what was supposed to be her leisure time—time that was supposed to be free from anything idol related. It was also precious time she had with Jessica (Her mind corrects her and tells her that any the time she spent with Jessica was by default, precious).

 

"I've missed you. I barely get to see you nowadays."

 

Taeyeon walks her hand across the rug, moving across the distance separating her and Jessica. Her fingertips brush against the skin of Jessica's wrist, and the brunette responds by turning her hand over so that her palm was now facing the sky. Taeyeon gathers Jessica's hand in her own, sliding her fingers into the rightful between Jessica's own. The jolt of electricity that runs through their bodies at the contact momentarily ignites a flickering flame in Jessica's brown eyes and Taeyeon finds herself mesmerised.

 

"Did you really miss me, Taengoo?"

 

"Of course, Sica...You're really important to me." Taeyeon says after a beat, settling for important to me instead of I think of you all the time, because there were implications associated with the statement that Taeyeon hadn't wanted to quite analyse just yet.

 

She wanted to live in the moment, with Jessica here, by her side, and just feel—not be weighed down by definitions, by concerns for the uncertain future.

 

It doesn't help that her heart jump starts and races in her chest, seemingly already miles ahead of her head.

 

Jessica her lips as though she was nervous.

 

"Taengoo, I think I..." Jessica swallows, flustered, as if suddenly realising she had been about to say something inappropriate and the words are quickly snatched back.

 

Jessica starts her sentence again. "You'll be famous one day, Taengoo...Y-you won't forget me, right?"

 

Taeyeon frowns, her heart twinges unpleasantly as if the mere thought of forgetting Jessica was a personal affront. (It was, but not that her conscious mind would ever admit to the real reason for it.)

 

Taeyeon tightens her grip on Jessica's hand, squeezing hard, as though holding onto her hand could cancel out the existence of the idea in Jessica’s head.

 

"Sica, I will never forget you."

 

Jessica hums contently at her response and after a while, Taeyeon relaxes her death grip, leaving their fingers to remain loosely threaded together, where they rightfully belonged.

 

Taeyeon's never felt more at peace.

 

"Do you believe in soulmates, Taengoo?"

 

Jessica's voice is breathy, holding a touch of awe, of reverence for the clichéd concept. It’s hopeful in the way that only those barely entering their adulthood, untouched and untainted by the confronting harsh reality of the world around them could.

 

Taeyeon pauses for a moment, because it was something she too had once lain in the dark and thought about.

 

"No."

 

Jessica pulls her hand away from Taeyeon's in favour of rolling onto her side, one of her arms now tucked lazily behind her head.

 

"Why not? Doesn't the idea feel comforting? The guarantee that somewhere out there’s someone for you? Trusting that the universe will lead you to the right person eventually?"

 

Taeyeon too, shifts until they were facing each other, eyes and hearts aligned on the same plane. She meets Jessica's brown eyes, watching curiosity and perplexity glint in their depths.

 

"I just don’t want to be a passive bystander, at mercy of the whims of this so-called fate, Sica.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I rather choose to be with someone out of my own volition,” Taeyeon tries to keep her gaze steady and unwavering, locked on Jessica’s, “Than to be assigned someone…It’s more significant, more romantic somehow in refusing to be pulled apart by the turmoil of the world—choosing to stay together no matter what happens…”

 

Taeyeon's voice is soft but a resolute conviction resonates within the syllables, echoing and filling out the words instilling them with a greater sense of meaning.

 

Soulmates didn’t have to choose.

 

They didn’t have to fight for anything

 

(or maybe soulmates didn’t have anything to fight for) .

 

Jessica takes this in for a minute, silent, and Taeyeon remains fixated on the way her eyes are gleaming in the darkness, as if they too belonged in the fabric of the sky above, amongst the other celestial bodies.

 

"That's strangely...sweet and like you said, romantic. A deliberate choice...no matter what happens?"

 

Jessica tilts her head slightly, some of her hair bunches up with the action, sprawling out along the inner part of her upper arm and messy strands falling along undefined curvatures.

 

"Together, no matter what happens." Taeyeon replies as though Jessica's question had been meant for her. Her answer, rolls off her tongue with ease.

 

Jessica's hair wasn’t the only thing that was following undefined curvatures tonight and Taeyeon lets her thoughts wander off.

 

Maybe all this discussion about soulmates was just pretext and they were just two individuals making a promise with the stars of the night sky as their witnesses. Between the two of them, she hopes they've got enough stubbornness to resist the external forces that would no doubt seek to drive them apart.

 

"You're awfully sappy you know, Taeng."

 

“Too much for you?”

 

“A bit.” Jessica jokes, grinning teasingly at the blush that was spreading across Taeyeon’s face and colouring the tips of her ears red.

 

"Well, I’m sorry for sharing, Miss-do-you-believe-in-soulmates?- Jung." Taeyeon fires back lightly in retaliation.

 

After all, she wasn’t the one asking about the existence of clichéd notions in the first place.

 

“Touché.”

 

A gentle silence descends upon them, leaving them comfortable in the slowly cooling night air.

 

"Thank you for sharing, Taeng…” Jessica murmurs, voice as gentle as a caress of a summer breeze. “I think I agree with you…about the soulmates thing."

 

Taeyeon lets a small smile crawl onto her face.

 

“Come here.”

 

Jessica shuffles over, the gap that had existed between them closing and Taeyeon’s arms slide around the brunette’s waist, forearms resting against the curve of familiar hipbones.

 

Taeyeon thinks back to her own words about making decisions and fighting for them.

 

Jessica Jung is my choice.

/

 

PRESENT - TAEYEON

The monitor beeps continuously, like a metronome, measuring the lapse of time and cataloguing each passing beat of heart—a finite resource that was being squandered away as she lies in the hospital bed—mind all too full of the past, remembering...

 

“What are you thinking about?” Tiffany's voice is tentative, as she skirts around the edge of that topic and Taeyeon would expect no less from her friend.

 

It’s not something she wants to talk about, however.

 

Jessica Jung.

 

“Nothing.” Taeyeon responds, flatly and detached.

 

She feels a degree of temporal dissonance that has been precipitated by the way her memories of the past seem to randomly bleed through into her present, leaving her a mess of confused emotions and conflicting thoughts.

 

“Don’t lie to me Tae.”

 

Taeyeon wonders how she can suddenly feel reprimanded, and strangely patronised by words uttered with a soft air of resignation.

 

“Well if you already knew the answer, why did you have to ask then?”

 

A jaw is clenched and the sounds are forced out between gritted teeth, almost sounding angry—the way a strong undercurrent simmers beneath the deceptively calm ocean surface.

 

Tiffany sighs, and the sudden rush of air sounds like a wave breaking against the shoreline, as though she’s done this repeatedly, weary from fighting just another iteration of the same old battle.

 

The idol runs a hand through her red-hair.

 

“I just wanted to know how you’re holding up…I know this is hard for you...”

 

A flood of remorse hits Taeyeon right in the centre of her chest, spreading and seeping into every inch of her body.

 

“Sorry.” She says through a grimace, lips pulled thin into a contrite smile.

 

Tiffany's eyebrows pull together in worry. Taeyeon feels déjà vu, the expression carries such resemblance to one she'd seen on her friend all those years ago, when this had all started and it hits her—how long had Tiffany been carrying her burden for her? How long now? 5 years ?

 

The thoughts settle unevenly in the pit of Taeyeon’s stomach.

 

"Yoona convinced me to let Jessica see you, you know? I didn't and still don't think seeing her did you any good..."

 

Taeyeon doesn’t quite know where Jessica’s visit had left her.

 

"Yoona’s right…I needed some form of closure. You know this Tiff, Jessica was a part of my life."

 

"Doesn't look like you got what you were looking for." Tiffany interjects drily, before grimacing slightly, "Sorry, I-I didn't mean for it to come out quite like that...”

 

Another sigh.

 

Another round of silence.

 

“What happened between the two of you?"

 

Taeyeon closes her eyes, inhaling nosily through her noise. She shouldn’t be surprised; the inevitability of the question had already been determined and all that’s left to do is to succumb to the rawness of the memory, letting it bleed to the forefront of her mind and fill out the darkness behind her heavy lids.

 

“We talked.”

 

Taeyeon remembers the way she’d felt seeing Jessica standing in the door way, dishevelled, as if wearing every bit of the weariness and anguish she felt, but somehow still as beautiful as ever.

 

Their eyes meet.

 

(Of course, Taeyeon thinks , when had she ever been able to resist Jessica’s pull?)

 

Jessica’s soft eyes had looked back at her, free from the pain and hurt they had unknowingly and knowingly inflict on each other in the past and in its place, there was nervousness and an apprehensive fear that Taeyeon couldn’t place. But underlying it all, there had been a look that Taeyeon was intimately familiar with.

 

Maybe before this accident, she wouldn’t have recognised it at all, and it would’ve remained undetected, written in a forei