She turned her phone’s flash light on as she pushed the door open. The old door opened with an annoying sound which reminded her of all the times he would flinch when he opened the door. She stopped and smiled for a second remembering his beautiful figure clearly in her mind being all annoyed. Its didn’t last long though as her smile disappeared looking at the empty, dark place in front of her. The door pushed her in while closing with a loud thud. She stayed there, motionless staring at his empty place which once used to be filled in with his warm smile looking back at her. It was then when she realized he wasn’t there, he wasn’t there to welcome her which his glowing eyes looking at her when she was panting because she had to run all the way there. It was then when she realized it was too late to smile back, too late to hug him, too late to miss him, too late to Run …

-

He slowly opened his eyes to the white ceiling looking back at him, almost mocking his existence as if it was conveying a very clear massage: “You lost and I won”. But at this point he couldn’t care about winning or losing. He lost one of the most important part of his life, his memories and his hope for life. Nothing could ever change his life back to what it used to be.

 He slowly tried to sit up on his bed looking around as the pain in his hand distracted him. He looked back at the source of the pain where he saw a few scars on his hand and a long tube with a needle inserted into his vein. He smiled bitterly at how this pain was so pleasurable right now, distracting him even for one second from his real source of pain.

But it was all the same every day, these small pains he would slowly induce for himself on a  daily basis was always a “temporary solution” to his real pain as told by the therapist. But still these temporary solutions were the only things left for him to live for.

 He would wake up every day with the pain in his chest wishing he wouldn’t wake up the next day and this strong desire for not opening his eyes drove him to think of every creative way in this world to forget his pain. Even if it meant to physically scar himself.

He was afraid the psychiatrist would inject more sedative into his body if he would to talk about the real solution. At this point, there was only one real permanent, real solution for him, he thought.  “But not everyone has the courage and guts to do it” he whispered and slowly looking around cautiously to make sure no one has heard him.

“No everyone are as courageous as you Hyung … “ He whispered looking at the blank wall imagining his smiling face looking back at him.

“I wish you weren’t either … “ He whispered tears rolling down his face.

 -

He stared at the cup being filled with the black fizzy drink. These days he could barely eat anything so his only source of nutrition was these free drinks he could get at work.

These coloured cups reminded him of a long-lost memory where he could still smile brightly. When their only worries were not getting caught by his boss. When he would look at his phone and realize the boys are waiting for him outside to get off work so they can spend the rest of the night forgetting everything and anything that bothered them in the world.

He remembered all the time V would steal his drink from his hand and take a sip smiling mischievously back at him. “What is he doing now?” he wondered. He hasn’t heard of any of the boys recently but V being so quiet concerned him the most. He had a special place in his heart. He always cared for him like a younger brother and V always treated him like his real older brother. Remembering all the times Jin would joke around about the fact that only he could handle V made him smile bitterly. He then furrowed his eyebrows remembering Jin and his smiling face. “Why hyung? Why would you smile so brightly and lie to us when you were hurting like that? I thought we were your brothers? Why would u lie to us?” He whispered to the cup.

 -

He entered his first lecture of the year. For some reason, he was looking forward this school year. He couldn’t wait to drown himself in books and school projects until he couldn’t remember anything. He might start partying this year as well. while at uni at least he should try being the typical college boy everyone else are.

Drink and party all night, do drugs, sleep with random girls and try to erase the real problems off his mind. Well everyone else are doing it why not. Now that there was no Bangtan in his life, maybe he could use h