W o n w o o

I watched as she listened to the MCs directions to act with Mingyu. I could see how excited and comfortable she was finally being in her element. I want to say that it warmed my heart or that it made me crack a smile but… I can’t. Instead, I could feel the knot in my stomach tighten and tighten to the point it became hard to breathe.

So she likes Mingyu.

I watched with a painful heart as she acted with him. But slowly, I realized something. It was subtle and almost unnoticeable, but I knew her well enough to see it. She wasn’t acting anymore. She was letting real feelings seep through her act.

It was like she knew exactly how it felt being dumped and heartbroken.

I felt guilt rise like bile in my throat.

It’s because of me.

"Sohye!" Leeteuk-sunbae laughed. "It's just an act! She's about to cry now!" he exclaimed as he pointed at her eyes. It was a dam threatening to break any moment.

"Oh no, no, I'm not." she replied as she wiped them away.

Everyone cheered for her and her skill. I didn’t. I simply looked straight at her, trying my best to read her. Something I could easily do in the past.

I was startled when we actually locked eyes. She was sending me something. A message. And I’m sure as hell I’m right.

She really doesn’t want to see me.

I get it. It hurts, but I get it.

“And first acting-dol is… dugudugudugu~”

A tiny part of me wished it was me. Maybe I’ll be able to act with her, too. I know it’s pathetic, but I just wanted us to… talk. Let our acting be the medium between us. I, atleast, wanted us to finally look at each other properly and not secretly nor from the corner of our eyes.

And maybe, I wanted to show I was better than Mingyu.

“It’s Wonwoo!” The MC declared as everyone cheered. I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Sohye looked shocked and a bit unhappy, but I didn’t dwell on it.

“Then let’s show some of your acting now!” MC Tak said. YES! I will forever love you, Tak-sunbae!

Sohye looked between me and him in disbelief. It stung, but it’s okay.

“Then this time…” I leaned forward eagerly. “…it’ll be Wonwoo two-timing and has a lot of complicated relationships with women. But Wonwoo, being the bad guy doesn’t admit he is wrong even when Sohye is crying and is a mess.”

I felt like I’ve been thrown into an ocean of ice.

I’m regretting it now. This must be why they say ‘be careful what you wish for’.  Does Leeteuk-sunbae know what happened between us?! Or is he just some amazing psychic?!

Sohye gave out an awkward laugh as we both shuffled in our seats uncomfortably.

I can’t do this. This is too much.

“Nae.” Sohye said unwillingly.

 I don’t want her to relive the hurt she felt from my moment of insensitivity and stupidity.

I gazed at her, trying to convey my sincerest apology.

“Oh, his gaze is good.” They mumble among themselves.

“Who is she?” she began immediately without waiting for a prompt.

‘Wonwoo. Who is she?’

My chest constrict painfully. She’s using the same words.

“Her? My girlfriend.” I reply. This is still work. I can’t forget that.

‘She’s… my girlfriend.’

She pursed her lips and glared at me.

“Then who am I?” she said in fake calmness.

‘Then who am I?!’

“You’re my girlfriend, too.”

‘…you’re my girlfriend, too, Sohye.’

I hate this.

The ‘viewers’ all cheered and even jumped out of their seats. They enjoyed this. On any other day, maybe I’d count this as an accomplishment. But today, I could only feel like a piece of . I winced when they even repeated my words, not knowing just how heavily it weighed for me. And for Sohye.

“Are you kidding me right, now?” Sohye continued oblivious to the noise that was around us. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Do I look like I’m joking?” I faked a laugh. “You can leave if you don’t like it.”

‘I’m not lying. But if you don’t like it that much, you can just leave.’

“She looks like she’s about to curse!” Seungkwan pointed out, obviously very entertained.

If we weren’t on broadcast she definitely would. Just like she did before.

Once again, she pursed her lips, as if wanting to keep in the string of curses she had ready. I saw her clench her fists tightly. I could only will my apologies to reach her. It hurt me so much that we were doing this. But I knew it couldn’t compare to what she was feeling right now.

This is driving me insane. Please, God, make it stop.

“You’re supposed to say sorry right now.”

‘, this is the moment where you apologize, you know?!’

I am. Please know that I am.

“I’ve never apologized in my whole life.” I said arrogantly. Lie.

“His voice is like Lee Seongyu.” MC Tak said amusedly, dispelling the tense atmosphere we made for ourselves.

I let out a laugh. I needed to breathe. We both needed to. Unless we wanted the whole nation to see a bloody war.

“Are you sure you won’t regret it?” Sohye continued heatedly despite the laughter induced. I see. She’s made it clear that we were long past the point of acting. This is real feelings talking. Her feelings. But definitely not mine.

Because I really and truly do regret.

“Regret? What’s that?” I reply haughtily contradicting my thoughts.

The MCs found an opportunity to crack another joke, but I didn’t care. She didn’t either. We fixated our eyes on each other and only at each other.

I’ve forgotten how beautiful they were.

“You didn’t like me at all…” she said softly.

‘I guess you didn’t love me like I loved you at all…’

Tears pooled her eyes and again, I was doused in the water called guilt and shame. It hurt my heart so much to hear this again from her, after so long. I wanted to just run up to her and embrace her tightly and prove otherwise. Broadcast be damned.

This is the only line that would differ from what truly happened.

“Mian, I didn’t have that feeling from the start.”

‘You’re right, Sohye. Because I know I loved you much more than you did.

I still do. But now, I like her a lot more.’

I was blinded by my naivety and stupidity back then. Because shortly after, I realized I was so so wrong.

We gazed at each other intensely. We both had messages of our own but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say anymore.

Sorry? Please take me back? I still…

Regardless, I didn’t deserve it. But that didn’t mean I didn’t wish for it.

“You scoundrel!” Seungkwan yelled out, pretending he was the heroine. Maybe he figured out what Sohye really wanted to say and said it for her.

I burst out laughing. I needed to mask how tormented I felt reliving that. I’ve almost forgotten that we weren’t the only people in the room and that we had plenty ‘viewers’ watching us.

 “Let’s give a round of applause!” The MCs blurted out.

We broke away.

The show continued. But I couldn’t focus anymore. I couldn’t feel anything. I watched blankly as she also acted a skit with Woozi and as a result, he was made fun of.

She was able to break away from the tension so easily and smoothly. She got so much better.

The segment ended with Seungkwan explaining what we prepared and everyone saying goodbye to Sohye.

“Okay, cut!” The director yelled. “Let’s take a breather. We’ll continue after 15 minutes!”

“Kamsahamnida~” Everyone yelled—including me-- in reply. Some members stood up and left to do I couldn’t care less what.

“Whaa~” Mingyu let out. “This has been really fun!” he smiled his toothy smile next to me.

“Eyyy. You’re just saying that because the MC was cute and she likes you!” Coups-hyung , along with Vernon smirking across us.

“Aigoo. You can’t say that for sure. But what do you think, hyung?” he nudged me with his elbow. “Do you think Kim Sohye was cute?”

I felt something boil inside me. I didn’t want to hear her name from him. I eyed him dead-on and held his elbow tightly, but slowly pushed it away to not raise suspicions.

“Don’t talk about her.” I growled lowly so only he would hear.

He looked shocked and slightly hurt. I was sorry, but it wasn’t the top of my concerns right now. I needed to get away from here. I felt so suffocated.

I stood up quickly, my chair scraping against the floor. Mingyu stared at me in confusion but I didn’t care. I just left.  I walked and walked not caring where I was going. I wanted to hit something. Anything my hands could hold onto. The wall, the doors, the staff or even myself. I had let my thoughts fill my mind and cloud my vision.

“Oh! Good work today, Sohye!” I heard all of a sudden. My head whipped to the source. It was coming from the corner just in front of me.

“Ah~ Kamsahamnida, you too.” I heard her reply brightly.

“Thank you. But are you okay? You seem a bit pale and your eyes are…”

“Ah no, I’m fine. I’m fine. The segment today was a bit tiring, that’s all.”

“Oh, I guess it was. Go to your waiting room then and rest a bit before clocking out, okay?”

“Nae, unnie. Thanks for your concern!”

I heard shuffling of feet and I panicked. I quickly ran back and pretended I was just about to arrive. The female staff came into view and we bowed in greeting.

My heart pounded as I rounded the corner they just came from. I didn’t know what I was doing nor why I was doing this. But it seemed my body had a mind of its own. I could see glimpses of her hair as she moved ahead of me which I ‘unwillingly’ followed.

I watched as she entered a room with her name on it. I waited a few moments, making sure nobody was nearby. The last thing we both needed was a scandal.

I could feel courage pooling at my stomach. Maybe this is the time. Maybe we can finally talk our feelings out. Maybe we could finally have some proper closure and face forward with no more weight holding us down.

Or we could have a new beginning.

I shook those wishful thoughts away. With heavy yet determined steps, I moved forward. I raised my shaking fist slowly and was about to knock when…

I heard her from the other side of the door.

Stifling her sobs.

I felt the world come crashing down. Just as my hand fell, my heart did the same. All the courage I’ve mustered so far went down the drain.

My cowardly and pathetic self could only lean my head on the door and cry with her.

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*cries guiltily with Wonwoo* I'm so sowwy Wonwoo T^T

Anyway, I hope you guys comment your thoughts and whatnot. Because I really appreciate it when I read it :)

Thanksy!