~ The truth is still secret ~

Walking back home from school. My head is filled with a lot of thoughts about my father. Today is just about my father. Only father. Will I get the answer today? The answer is up to mother. Every time I tried to ask, mother will become sad and avoid to talk about it. But today, I’m determined to ask no matter what. I know that mother will sad again but I desperately need to know about father.

“Yuta, have you ever thought that maybe…..”

“I know. If that’s true, is that why she never tells me about father? Because he left us? Because he’s still alive?”

The conversation with Sana today is so depressing. I’ve never thought that this affect me so much. But I’m not surprised. It’s an open secret that I rarely talk about father when other classmates talk about one. I can only smile while hiding the pain.

I’ve always imagined that having a father is the greatest thing ever. But today I learnt that having a father isn’t always all about rainbow and sunshine. There is one student who has a father but he doesn’t care about him. His father only knows about working without caring about him. And also today, there’s one student confessed that she hates her father. Another one just told a heartbreaking story on how much she was abused by her father everyday.

Meanwhile me, I still don’t know. I have never met him. Hearing all those things today makes me wonder what kind of person my father was. Was he a nice person? Was he a bad person? Will he love me if he knows that he has a son?

My right feet seriously kicking a small stone on the ground while still deep in thought. Too many questions to ask. Too many answers that I want to know. Sigh.

As I arrive at home, I come across with my neighbor; Sooyoung-san. We greet each other as usual and Sooyoung-san asks me if I don’t have any soccer practice today. It’s common that I have a soccer practice on Wednesday. But today, my performance was really poor. I got scolded a few times for losing focus on the game. Then, I asked for an early leave. Glad that the coach allowed me. I guess it was obvious on my face that I’m not feeling well.

I shake my head as the reply. “I’m not feeling well today.”

“Are you having a fever? Your face looks so pale today.” Sooyoung-san asks me in concern.

Sooyoung-san is like my second mother. She was the one who has been taking care of me and my mother since I was young. She also helped my mother back then when my mother came here after my father died. I wonder if she knows anything about my father.

“Maybe I need some rest.” I really do. I need to clear my head with all the rest I get.

Sooyoung-san doesn't say anything but she lets out a motherly smile to me. "If you need a medicine or maybe some food, I'll do it for you before you mother comes home." She reminds me.

Like I say before, she's like my second mother. If mother is not here, she will take the responsibility. Although I can be independent on my own, you can't let a minor like me staying in this home alone. But I stayed in this house while mother went to South Korea. I can do everything on my own. It's just that mother who worried about me the most.

I'm about to leave but, "Sooyoung-san-" I want to ask something but I'm not sure if Sooyoung-san is knowledge enough to talk about this. Mother came here and Sooyoung-san met her. That's all I know about mother's past. Other than that, I don't know if Sooyoung-san knows about father. "Nothing!" I just thought that maybe it's not really that appropriate to ask someone about this. Sooyoung-san isn't anyone stranger but to her, my father is. She probably has no idea and like me, doesn't know how my father looks like.

I can see that Sooyoung-san is bewildered with my sudden change of my mind. "Yuta, is there anything happened? You don't look really good. There is no sunshine on your face. Your healing smile, it's not there."

If there's anyone who can be poetic as well as dramatic, then Sooyoung-san is the one. She's really expressive. I heard that she took acting when she was a student. I can see how good her acting is but what I've seen just now is real, not acting. That's how she acted back then, she said. "Tried to feel the character and think that the character as your own." But I'm definitely not going to do any acting. It's not my thing.

Hearing her words earlier makes me chuckle in embarrassment. Healing smile. The nickname that mother and Sooyoung-san gave it to me besides mountain man. That's because they said when I smile, everything in the world will be healed. Hmm, I'm proud of that.

"I'm fine. I just need a rest. A long one." I inform her honestly. It's really hard to convince Sooyoung-san. Especially, she knows if I'm acting or not, genuine or not.

From her body gesture, her face, , she wants to ask me something. It's like she wants to dig out more my secrets that hidden inside me but she just let me to go. "Rest well, Yuta-kun. If you need anything, just call me, okay?" She ruffles my hair with a smile before both of us make our way to our respective home.

I turn my body to the right and trying to get a wink of sleep but those thoughts are more important than my sleep it seems. At least that's what my body and brain think so. It's because of my heart who feel all these kind of feelings that disturbed my one an only beauty sleep. No matter how hard I shut my eyes, my mind didn't go to dreamland. Instead, it keeps replaying the scene in the school and all those conversations with Sana.

I turn again while facing to the ceiling and heave a slow breath. I keep staring to the ceiling without blinking for a few seconds. My mind is still thinking about that. Stupid brain! Can you think about something else? I thought you were smart! Yeah! I like to scold myself. So that I can snap myself out but this time, no matter how much I scold myself and no matter how hard I try to think something else, I just can't. I really can't.

Sometimes I think if father is here, will he hear all my problems? Will he help me to solve the problems I have? Mother will help me to solve it most of the time but I know that one day, I couldn't ask mother suggestion to solve my problem because she couldn't. There are too many questions in my head currently. Most of them are about father. More like I'm asking to father.

Father, are you still alive?

Father, how do you look like?

Father, do you know my name?

Father, can you come to our life?

Father, can you stay with us forever?

Every questions that I think are getting longer and longer. I know it's impossible but if he's alive, I want him to come back to our life.

I scoff at myself. What the heck did I just think? Want him to come back to our life? Stay with us forever? Nakamoto Yuta, are you out of mind? You said that you won't accept your father if he left mother and suddenly you want him back? I've never thought that I'm just hoping that my father is really dead. At least I can feel in peace knowing that he didn't abandoned mother and me. Although he left before both of us can see each other.

I'm still trying to get some sleep but to no avail. But then, I hear the front door creaking open from outside. It's 5:30pm now and mother is coming back home. I immediately get up to greet mother and ask her about this right away.

"I'm home!"

"Welcome home, mother!" I greet with a smile and mother immediately hugs me tightly while whispering some cute and sweet words to my ear. "I heard from Sooyoung-san that you went home early today. Are you not feeling well?"

Is it the right time? As much as I want to open my mouth and say the question that I've been wanting to ask but I don't know why I'm having a hard time now. My mouth becomes heavy and it's like there's something stopping. What's wrong with me? Just say it. "I was tired with school. I need to rest for awhile."

What a pity. Somehow I didn't have a heart to ask mother about this now. She just comes back from work and she must be so tired now. The workload of her job may be stressful for her and if I ask her about it now, I think it will make her stress more. I should just let her relax first. Maybe I'll ask this when it's the right time.

After dinner, I tidy up the dining table while mother washes the dishes. It's our routine everyday and I can't say that I'm bored because this is a must for both of us. Sometimes, we switch; I wash the dishes while mother clean up the table. When I'm satisfied with the table's condition, I walk to the kitchen where mother at.

Staring straight at mother petite figure while washing dishes. I'm still hesitating if this is the right time. I don't know I can't let it out, the question that I want to ask. I keep thinking. Thinking and thinking again. How should I start? This is the hardest thing ever. Even harder than figuring out how to solve a question except that I'm the one who wants to ask a question. What should I say? Should I ask her right away? But that will make her taken aback, I know that. How to make this sound so naturally?

"Yuta?" My thoughts immediately disturb by mother sudden call. "Why are just standing there? Do you need anything?" Mother looks at me in confusion because who stands right here and doesn't move a single step?

My fingers are fidgeting and I look down to the floor while thinking again. Maybe it's time. I look at mother and with a little courage, as in taking a deep breath, I open my mouth and let out my voice. "Mother, I want to ask something." I pause for a moment and swallow the saliva before I proceed to the most important question. "I was wondering..... what is father's name?"

Mother can't hide her surprised reaction well. I can see how much she is taken aback with my question earlier. Why? She can't answer it? Mother turns back to the sink, focusing on washing the dishes. She purposely ignores my question.

"Mother-"

"I don't know his name"

Don't know his name? That's an unacceptable excuse. No one can buy that excuse. That's just ridiculous! "Why?" Although the excuse is not satisfying, I still want to know what makes her answer like that.

Mother is silent for a moment. She isn't looking at me and it's like currently she's thinking about something, trying to find the right answer for my question. "I don't remember." That's all she answers and I can't take this anymore.

"Why? Why you didn't remember his name? Is it because he's not exist in the beginning? Is it because you don't know him? Is it because I'm an illegitimate child?"

"YOU'RE NOT AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!"

I..... didn't expect that. I have to admit that I'm taken aback with mother's sudden outburst and mother looks like she wants to cry at this moment. I feel sorry for her. For this. But I decide that I want to be stubborn too. I won't hold back until I know the truth of my father. Even if we end up arguing about this. I'm sorry but I just want to know about father; the person who was the reason of my existance.

"Then why can't you tell me about father? For 15 years, I know nothing about my own father. Not even knowing how he looks like, not knowing his name, not knowing how his voice sounds like. And when I asked you, you were trying to avoid it, you tried to change the topic. Why, mother?" Isn't it too much for a 15-year-old boy didn't know anything about his own biological father? I have a friend who had an older sister who passed away before he was born but the difference is he knows how his sister looked like, he knows his sister's name. So why can't I be like him who knows someone who is related to me? "Mother, is father still alive?"

I can see that she flinches right after I asked that. So, he's still alive? I wait for her to say something but it looks like she doesn't want to. This is so frustrating. I ask her again and again until she says something.

"He's dead, Yuta! Why can't you believe me?" She snaps.

"How am I supposed to believe you when you didn't let me visit his grave? I don't know how many time do I have to repeat but I don't know my father. Anything about him, there are zero information about him. You're making me questioned about his existance. Why can't you tell me the truth for once? I just want. to. know. about. my father." I let out everything I can but I'm only making mother crying instead. I didn't mean to make her cry. I just..... I want a truth.

Mother let out her sob loudly instead of answering. Seeing her cry makes me want to cry as well but I have to act tough. I act tough because I want her to know that I'm serious about this. Just tell me more about him, mother. I'm desperated now. The only thing that will make me calm is the answer. I swear that if mother tells everything about father, I won't ask her again.

She tries to suppress her cry. I feel bad for just standing here doing nothing. My selfish self is the reason why I'm like this now.

"D-Do you know how..... sad I was when he... left me alone? Do you know..... what I've been through after he left me?" Mother is struggling to speak due to crying but I don't mind, I just want her to take her time. As much as I'm being impatient right now, it would be better for mother to tell me even just a little. "I... came here after he..... died. I came here because... I want to 'follow' him. I came here because... I want to die. If it wasn't for Sooyoung-san who helped me, both of us would've died!"

I gasp after hearing the surprising fact about mother's past. I know that mother got into depression because of father's lost but I don't know that mother, to that extend, wanted to commit suicide because of this.

Although she keeps pausing while trying to say something, she's still giving her all to tell everything to me. "I.... I....." She's shaking and her breathing becomes uneven. It's like she's having a panic attack. She's trying to say but she keeps breathing hardly and it makes her having a hard time to let out her voice. Feeling worried with her condition, I finally go to her and hold her, trying to calm her down. "I..... I miss him." She manages to say a few words before she forces herself to say more. "I... want him back. In my life."

I can't handle it anymore and I give her a tight hug while crying and muttering a sorry for making her like this. Both of us cry in that state. I keep apologizing to her because it's my fault. My ego has taken over me and I didn't care about mother's feeling at all. Mother was there with father until his last breath. I shouldn't force her. His lost gave a lot of pain to her.

"Yu-Yuta, I love him so much. I miss him so much. Can I..... go back to that time? I want to go back to that time. When we're still together. When we're happily together. I... I want him to come back to me."

Mother keeps muttering how much she loves him, misses him, and she keeps repeating all these words and it honestly aches my heart more. I don't know my father but I love him. I don't know how my father looks like but I miss him. I've never met him but I want him to come back.

Why is our life so cruel?

It's a bit late update. I'm sorry.

Anyone watches Produce 101?