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9:34 AM


Jongin awakens hours after dawn slumped over at an awkward angle in a corner of his room. Memories wash over him like a tidal wave the second he opens his eyes. Cursing, he attempts to stand up only for his legs to give in and he tumbles back down onto the floor again, wincing in pain when his already sore back slams against the wall. He checks his watch. 9:35 AM. His second lesson ends in 25 minutes. He doesn't have it in him to get up and walk all the way to school so he opts to reach into his back pocket in search of his phone and nearly cries in frustration when he remembers he tossed it to the other side of the room earlier. Getting on his hands and knees, he crawls over to his bed and reaches underneath it, pulling out his phone after a brief struggle. He hopes to God that it isn't broken.

Mind clouded with drowsiness, he unlocks his phone and feels something crawl down his spine when his gaze lands on the infamous app - the bright purple icon staring back at him and he forces himself to turn his phone off. He sees no point in opening it- he has no missed messages anyway.

He sits on the floor and lets his mind drift. Sunlight illuminates his entire bedroom as well as him and Jongin hisses. Not wanting to sit in a puddle of sunlight, he slowly stands up before staggering over to his bed, both legs numb. It's not until he lays down on the mattress that he realizes that he hasn't changed his clothes in God knows how long. But he doesn't have the energy to do so. What's the use?

His mind constantly thinks back to Sehun. He dreamt of Sehun while he was sleeping, as a matter of fact. A short yet livid dream. Jongin lets out a sad sigh. Since when did dreams become better than reality?

Trudging over to his desk, Jongin sits down on his chair and spins around a few times out of boredom. He has absolutely no idea what to do anymore.

He has no one.

He doesn't - and will most likely never - have Sehun, and he no longer has Baekhyun. In short, he has nobody. Nobody but himself. Normally, being alone wouldn't be a problem for Jongin, but now, at a time like this, he feels a great sense of longingness creep up on him for reasons he knows but doesn't want to admit.

Phone in hand, he contemplates doing the thing he's been purposefully avoiding for the past couple of days. His left foot shakes restlessly and he unlocks his phone before opening the dreaded app. He gulps in nervousness. He has to write something. He has to.

jonginlovesmonggu: hey!! sorry for forgetting to message lately, i've been a little busy 3: (╥_╥) how are you?? 
jonginlovesmonggu: wanna meet up sometime this week? my schedule's free ~

Jongin waits for five minutes but doesn't get a reply. Checking Sehun's profile, Jongin raises an eyebrow when he sees the green dot next to Sehun's username disappear. He puts his phone in his pocket and swallows. Stop overthinking, bastard. There's still hope...isn't there?

His stomach growls but he doesn't feel like eating. The only thing he's feeling right now is thirsty for some strawberry milk but drinking will only remind him of bubble tea and bubble tea will only remind him of Sehun so he decides against it. All he wants is to lie down on his bed but staying in his room will only remind him of Baekhyun and how angry he was earlier today so Jongin decides against that as well. Realizing there's no other alternative left other than to go to school, Jongin heaves a sigh before getting out of the chair and grabbing his backpack that's tucked away in another corner. He doesn't remember what lesson he has to prepare for but he doesn't care - as long as he brings his phone and the notebook he keeps for literally ever single subject he figures he'll be fine. It's not that he wants to go to school or anything - given the fact that Baekhyun will most definitely be there - he just needs to get out of the house for some time. That and also because he desperately needs to get rid of the black cloud that's currently hovering above his head and seemingly following him wherever he goes.

Jongin steps outside and locks the door behind him and immediately hisses in pain when the cold Autumn air hits him square in the face, causing his cheek to sting even more. Jongin rubs at the sore spot and curses under his breath. He'd nearly forgotten all about the fact that Baekhyun physically assaulted him earlier and he momentarily curses the weather for reminding him. 

He shoves his hands deep inside his pockets before making his way down the road, trying to ignore the heavy weight on his chest.

~~~

Jongin barely makes in time to his third lesson.

The second he opens the door and steps inside, every student in the room is in the midst of packing and standing up. He scans the sea of students in front of him and subconsciously feels himself shiver when his gaze lands on a certain red-headed student sitting in the middle row next to the window. Jongin feels his body go numb when he sees Baekhyun get out of his chair and proceed to shove his books and papers into his bag. He watches with clenched fists as the latter says goodbye to another student with his usual bright smile (that irritates Jongin upon seeing it, for some reason) before proceeding to head towards the door. Jongin's mind spins frantically as Baekhyun walks towards him with his gaze focused on the floor. A sense of nervousness and anticipation pool in the pit of Jongin's stomach but it soon deflates and vanishes into thin air when Baekhyun proceeds to walk right past him, squeezing his way between Jongin and the door frame without as much as a word. Jongin sighs - he shouldn't have expected much else.

Checking his watch, Jongin's stomach gurgles when he sees it's 11:30 - lunch time. For a brief moment he forgets his and Baekhyun's current situation and he wonders if the latter would be willing to sit with and join him for lunch like he always does. Turning on his heel, Jongin makes his way down the hallway, following Baekhyun and turns a corner just in time to catch a glimpse of the latter as he turns another corner, the one leading to the hallway leading to the cafeteria.  Jongin begins jogging towards him and suddenly stops in his tracks. Biting his lip in worry, he stands in the middle of the hallway, thoughts reeling. He was probably just really tired, I mean, he furrows his eyebrows, he most likely didn't see me standing there given that he didn't even look up. He must've gotten over the whole thing at this point. I'll talk to him about it. Running towards the cafeteria, he opens the doors and steps inside, looking everywhere for his red-headed best friend. He stands there for five whole minutes and briefly wonders if Baekhyun has disappeared into thin air when he still doesn't spot him. 

It's not until he averts his gaze to the right that Jongin feels his entire chest constrict and he gulps. He watches from afar as Baekhyun sits at a table close to the window - their table; the one he and Jongin always sit at together, surrounded by a bunch of students Jongin has never seen before while happily chewing away at his food. Baekhyun doesn't even look in Jongin's direction when the latter comes through the doors, much to Jongin's dismay. It's not that Jongin isn't okay with Baekhyun choosing to eat with a handful of his other friends given the situation (or, so he tells himself), it's the fact that he looks so unbothered that tugs at Jongin's heart and he forces himself to look in the opposite direction. 

Jongin turns on his heel and walks out of the cafeteria without looking back. He's not hungry anymore.

~~~

Baekhyun doesn't come to tutor him that day. 

Or two days after that. Or two days after that. Or two days after that.

Jongin lets out a shaky sigh while running a hand through his hair. He shouldn't have expected much else.

He and Baekhyun have been avoiding each other for a little more than a week now and Jongin is surprised at how incredibly boring everything has gotten. Not depressing, but just...extremely dull. It feels as if one day everything was going just fine and then one day, it all just collapsed. Jongin chuckles dryly before dipping a cotton ball into a jar of ointment and rubbing it across the left side of his face. Damn wound, he thinks, why won't you heal.

Baekhyun isn't the only thing Jongin's been avoiding lately, nowadays he's been making the conscious choice to stay away from his room - for reasons he can't explain. He's been sleeping on the couch downstairs for the past couple of days; it's extremely uncomfortable and takes a gigantic toll on his spine but he'd much rather prefer that sleeping option over his bed, any day. 

Jongin puts the lid back onto the jar and stands up, putting it back in the medicine cabinet before trudging back to his usual spot on the couch. He thinks he's created a permanent dent in the middle of the couch as a result of sitting there so often but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to sleep in fear of experiencing another nightmare so he opts to stay awake and rid his brain of all its thoughts. It's dark both outside and inside the apartment. Jongin checks his watch. 11:32 PM. A cold gust of wind passes, seemingly out of nowhere, and Jongin shivers before getting off the couch and walking to the hallway to fetch his jacket. He (half-assedly) slides it over his shoulders and sits back down on the couch, suddenly letting out a (very dry, given the fact that he hasn't been doing much talking lately) yelp when he sits on something lumpy. Moving aside, he reaches into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulls out -

Oh.

.

He squeezes the plushie in his hand and lets out a shaky breath, memories from two weeks ago crashing down on him like a bag of bricks. Eyeing the Doraemon toy intensely, he inspects every detail - its big round nose, its straight whiskers and large, soulless eyes. It's, surprisingly, not that damaged considering the fact that it's been squished in Jongin's jacket pocket for weeks. Something painful tugs at his heart and he smiles sadly. In the corner of his eye, he spots a trash can sitting in a corner of the room and he fights the nagging sensation that's slowly beginning to creep up on him. Deciding against it, he quickly pulls out his phone and opens the app. Something seems to ignite inside of him when he enters Sehun's profile and sees the green dot next to his username. His fingers scramble to open up their conversation only for his stomach to drop in disappointment when he sees his two recently sent messages on the bottom of the screen. The disappointment in his heart grows even bigger when he realizes Sehun hasn't even read them yet, meaning he hasn't even opened their conversation despite Jongin messaging him. 

"Damn it, damn you," Jongin mumbles under his breath and his eyes widen in shock when his vision suddenly becomes blurred. The blurriness spreads and his vision becomes so blurry that he can barely make out the letters on his phone screen. It takes Jongin a second to figure out what's going on and when realization dawns on him, his right hand scrambles to wipe at the tears that are threatening to escape from his eyes and roll down his face. He grits his teeth when he looks down at his stained sweater sleeve. Damn everything.

It's not until he lies down and closes his eyes that everything crashes down on him - the feelings of regret, guilt, anger, hurt, sadness, confusion and pain as well as the realization that it's his fault that everything is the way it currently is. I don't have Sehun, I will never have Sehun, I might've had Sehun if only I had chosen not to be an oblivious, foolish coward, he thinks before letting out a breath he didn't even know he had been holding in. Baek hates me. The thought of Baekhyun suddenly makes him think of their argument and Jongin clenches his fists in despair when it dawns on him that everything Baekhyun said to him is true. Every sentence, every little word. As much as Jongin hates to admit it, he's suddenly fully aware of the fact that it's all his fault. And there's nothing he can do about it. 

Sehun will find himself a better and less cowardly guy and Baekhyun will find himself a new best friend. The words echo like a mantra in Jongin's head and he hisses when a sudden headache hits him out of nowhere. Jenny's last words to him pop up in his mind and he lets out an agonized scream. Luckily he (barely) manages to bury his face in a cushion before doing so (because the last thing he wants right now is to deal with angry neighbors at his doorstep). Desperation courses through his veins as a feeling of hopelessness settles somewhere inside of him. 

Jongin rolls over so he's lying on his back and he looks up at the ceiling with his hands crossed over his chest. After breathing in and out a few times to calm himself down, he reaches for his phone. His hands shake as he clicks on the purple icon. Sighing in both guilt and determination, he clicks on the white speech bubble icon on the bottom and opens up his and Sehun's conversation. Sehun still hasn't read his messages. Jongin's fingers move to the left but he quickly freezes when he thinks of something. He quickly scrolls up until he reaches the top of the chat, to the day they first started talking, and slowly scrolls down.

He reads every single message and feels his heart swell with pride and longingness. He takes his time to carefully look over every single sticker, every single emoticon and every single photo they sent to each other during their brief but memorable time of chatting. Jongin giggles softly when a selfie he had taken of himself in the bathroom, (he never mentioned being the bathroom but Sehun, being as eagle eyed as Baekhyun, happened to notice the towel as well as the tiled wall in the background) accompanied with a couple of star (and a moon) stickers, shows up on his screen and he smiles when he reads Sehun's amused reply. 

The excessive amount of heart emoticons in Sehun's reply to his selfie is what causes a single tear to well up in Jongin's eye and he doesn't bother wiping it away when it rolls down the side of his face. While scrolling through past messages, he suddenly remembers everything - the sleepless nights where they stayed up past dawn to talk about anything they could, Sehun's tendency to use a dramatic amount of emoticons for everything, Sehun's hair, Sehun's voice, Sehun's broad shoulders, Sehun's fashion taste, Sehun's eyebrows, Sehun's eyes and how beautiful they looked when he laughed, Sehun's big hands and how pretty they looked cupped around the bubble tea cup, the way Sehun cocked his head to the side while Jongin was talking, how Sehun owns a car and a Rolex, how much Sehun likes travelling, how much he likes bubble tea, how attractive Sehun had looked shirtless and hovering above Jongin in the latter's dream -

Jongin sighs louder than he's ever sighed in his entire life before letting out a defeated yet saddened chuckle. Jesus, I ed up. I ed up and now I'm paying the ultimate price for it. Great. He shakes his head in disbelief before scrolling through the rest of the messages. He remembers how overly excited he had felt when Sehun offered to meet him for the first time and Jongin feels another tear roll down his cheek when he thinks of how he ruined it for the both of them. One thought leads to another and Jongin is suddenly struck with the thought of never being able to see Sehun ever again. A week ago, the mere thought of never getting to see Sehun's face again seemed impossible and highly unlikely and Jongin nearly chokes on a sob when he realizes that that thought is slowly becoming a reality at this point. 

He continues scrolling until he reaches the bottom of the chat. His last two sent (and unread) messages greet him. He turns his phone off and drops it on the floor next to the couch, not having it in him to place it on the table. His head is spinning with both happiness and sadness and he wants to punch himself in the face. Or, better yet, dig a hole in the ground, crawl into it and never come out again. 

"You're selfish, Jongin. Selfish and stupid, that's what you are."

Baekhyun's words echo in his head and he suddenly feels extremely nauseous. There's no use in running away from them, not anymore (since he knows how that ended). He runs a hand through his hair and tugs at the ends. 

"I'd help you through all of this but I can't be bothered since you've proven that you're nothing but a selfish, ignorant fool."

Jongin grabs the couch cushion and presses it as close to his chest as he can. He fights the overwhelming urge to vomit. The world suddenly feels so extremely empty and the small apartment suddenly feels so incredibly huge.

Letting out a sad chuckle, Jongin sits up and grabs the neglected Doraemon plushie that's lying by his feet and lies back down, holding the toy as close to him as he can. He hugs it and holds onto it for dear life, not daring to let go. A tear squeezes its way out of his left eye when he inhales and smells Sehun's natural scent and he presses the plushie closer to his chest, practically burying his entire face in it.

He cries himself to sleep that night to the scent of Sehun and the thought of what could've been.

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A/N: Well this hurt to write... T_T