❧

He awakens in a puddle of his own sweat.

Wiping his brow, Jongin curses under his breath before sitting upright in his bed, mind spinning frantically. With a nervous gulp, he lightly grabs the edges of the blanket that’s currently draped over his torso and lifts it up.

He feels his entire body (mainly his face) explode with humiliation and he quickly puts the blanket down, swallowing the lump that’s somehow managed to grow in his throat - he wonders how he hadn’t noticed it coming - before rolling over and checking his phone. The harsh light of his phone screen hits him square in the face, nearly blinding him and he has to take three seconds to blink repeatedly in order to avoid permanent blindness. When his eyes finally adjust, he presses the Home button on his phone and sees the numbers 3:32 appear on his screen. Letting out a pained groan, he puts his phone down on his bedside table and stares up at the ceiling, mind still reeling from his rather…peculiar dream.

Shame coarses through his veins and Jongin clenches his hands into fists under the blanket. He lets out a small moan of disgust when he feels the cold sweat on the mattress seep into his pyjama shirt and he curses himself for not choosing to go to bed shirtless.  A wave of humiliation washes over him when he feels his lower region constrict painfully and he does his best to distract himself. He can’t relieve himself, he can’t. That would just be strange.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, though, and Jongin mentally punches himself in the face when he remembers how terrified he had been when he first woke up and looked under the blanket yesterday. He doesn’t feel any less terrified now though - he’d fling himself off the nearest cliff and into a pit full of hungry lions if he could. Rolling over onto his stomach in an attempt to distract himself, he grabs the nearest pillow and puts it over his head.

His dreams are starting to become a little redundant at this point. It’s always the same old thing - Sehun, Sehun and more Sehun; Sehun in situations he’d rather not think about right now and Sehun doing things he’d much rather notthink about right now. Jongin growls in frustration when his brain decides to supply him with last night’s images.

There’s no use in trying to shove them away, they’re there to stay - burned into his mind for the rest of his life - and Jongin knows it, despite how much it hurts him to admit it. He feels his heart pound against the mattress when he suddenly thinks of Sehun and his ridiculously broad shoulders and how they had been all Jongin could see when Sehun hovered above him - in his dream of course. Jongin grabs a fistful of his hair and tries to think of something else, like his poodles, but it doesn’t work. All he sees in front of him right now is Sehun and only Sehun. Sehun’s shoulders, Sehun’s body, Sehun’s lean torso, Sehun’s long incredibly legs, Sehun’s hands, Sehun’s di-

Jongin grabs his pillow and forcefully throws it across the room. It hits the wall and lands with a soft thud on the floor. He hasn’t even seen Sehun’s….thing, for God’s sake!  He’d never bring himself to say the actual word.

Sitting up in his bed, his eyes roam around the darkness before he lets out a loud sigh. He’s never felt this confused in his entire life.

“It’s not exactly like I’ve ever heard you say the words ‘I’m straight’ or 'I’m not interested in men’ before.” 

Baekhyun’s words from yesterday echo like a mantra in his head and he fights the urge to rip his own hair out.

Because Baekhyun is right.

As much as Jongin doesn’t want to admit or think about it, he knows deep down somewhere that Baekhyun is, indeed, correct. He’s never said anything like that in his life and he didn’t think he’d ever need to.

“Are…are you saying I’m-”
“No, I’m not. What I am saying, though, is that you have yet to say that you aren’t.”

If Jongin could die right here right now he’d do so in a heartbeat because his emotions - that he can’t even understand himself - are beginning to drive him crazy. He emits a deep groan before suddenly getting up and sitting up in his bed, leaning back against the headboard. He exhales a shaky breath. I dreamt all that, so what? He thinks. I find Sehun visually appealing, that doesn’t necessarily make me attracted to or in love with him. I’ve had a girlfriend, for ’s sake! 

The thought of his ex girlfriend, Jenny, suddenly makes Jongin feel extremely sad. His relationship with her had to have been the best two years of his life. He smiles vaguely at the memory of her thin waist, long blonde hair, big eyes, beautifully groomed and styled (killer) eyebrows and the melodic sound of her voice and laughter. If he could turn back time and go back to the day they split, he’d do so in the blink of an eye.

He remembers their breakup like it was yesterday and he swallows the lump in his throat when his brain decides to supply him with yet another string of past events.

“Jongin, we need to talk.”

“Sure, about what?” Jongin sits down on one of the chairs in the kitchen. He looks up at her. Her face is serious, expression almost cold, and she’s standing with her arms crossed over her chest. The absence of a smile on her usually cheerful face makes Jongin extremely worried and he furrows his eyebrows. “What is it we need to talk about?”

“Us.”

His eyes widen a little. “Us? What do you mean by 'us’?”

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve been acting so weird for the past couple of weeks and it’s starting to get tiring.”

“Babe, I have no idea what you’re ta-”

“Why’re you so unattentive all of a sudden? When was the last time we both shared a bed together? You haven’t held my hand in God knows how long and always forget to show up on dates despite promising to be there. What’s gotten into you so suddenly, I want to know!”

Jongin blinks. He bites his lip when it hits him that he hasn’t in fact spent as much time with her recently as he used to. He hasn’t even noticed. And now that he thinks about it, when was the last time they even ate dinner together? Let alone shared a meal? He looks up at her with an unreadable expression on his face. Her black eyes are staring at him with such intensity that he almost forces himself to look away.

“I don’t know what’s happened with you and I don’t know if you think I’ve noticed or not but I have!” she exclaims in frustration, a strand of blonde hair falling in her face. “I have no idea what’s going on or what you’re thinking of but it just seems like you’ve got other things on your mind and that you don’t care about me as much as you used to. At first I thought you were just bothered by something minor so I paid no mind but when you continued doing it for months I couldn’t ignore it any longer.”

“Honey, Jenny, I-”

“What’s with you? You rarely even look at me anymore, at least not in the eyes. Are you seeing another girl? Answer me honestly!” she demands, pointing an accusing finger at him.

Jongin shakes his head.

“Let me guess then, you’re crushing on someone else, aren’t you? I knew it,” she says with a sigh, exhaling shakily.

“No, babe, that’s not how it is,” Jongin pleads in a soft tone, moving to stand up and walk towards her but she takes a step back. He sighs before sitting back down again. “I…I never thought about it, and no, I’m not seeing or crushing on anyone right now. I just…I didn’t think it was a problem. I thought that we were fine.”

"Fine?” she echoes in a menacing tone, “you think we’re fine? You’ve basically ignored my existence for three months in a row, you never call anymore, you hardly text, and when you do text it’s only to tell me that you’re staying over at Baekhyun’s place, which you do every week. I’m so goddamn confused, Jongin, I really am. I don’t know what to make of all this, I really, really don’t.”

Jongin sighs. Realizing he has nothing to say, he plays with his fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t even touch me anymore!” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. “Before you always touched my shoulder, my , my thighs, my hair, everywhere, but now? Nothing! Hell, nowadays I’d say you touch Baekhyun more than me,” she adds sarcasctically with a roll of her eyes.

They sit in silence, none of them speaking a word until the words 'we should break up’ shatter the silence. Jongin’s head snaps up in shock and he stares at her with a pleading look. “Wait, what?”

“You heard me, don’t pretend you didn’t,” she sneers. “I’m tired of this and I’m tired of you. You were such a gentleman when we first met, but now? I don’t know what’s happened to you, it’s almost as if you’re scared to be seen with me these days and I refuse to stand by that. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing this anymore.” Jongin doesn’t get a chance to speak up or say anything else when she walks forward and Jongin shudders when he feels a cold breeze as she walks past him.

Mind clouded with shock and confusion, he waits until he hears the front door slam shut before he buries his face in his hands and bursts into tears.

God damn it all, Jongin thinks, nails digging into the edge of the blanket. He always tries his best to avoid thinking about that day since it always puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the week.

Usually he’d ignore it but now, he doesn’t. Not this time.

He actually didn’t have much of an excuse for not spending as much time with her; he always figured they were doing well. Apparently they weren’t. Jongin lets out a dry chuckle.

"Hell, nowadays I'd say you touch Baekhyun more than me."

Fighting the urge to tear up at the thought of her voice, Jongin furrows his brows. He never even realized he had, or has, been touching Baekhyun a lot more lately. Maybe once or twice, like a quick friendly pat on the stomach or a tap on the leg. Jongin gulps. That’s not weird, though, is it?

The thought of Baekhyun suddenly reminds him of what happened yesterday - how pleasing the latter’s torso had looked when he reached above him, causing his shirt to ride up. Jongin feels a headache coming on. This is not good.

The image of Sehun’s bare torso hovering above him pops into Jongin’s mind and the latter nearly screams because he’s okay with the thought??? He’s a hundred percent comfortable with the idea of Sehun’s body straddling him and Jongin hates himself for welcoming the mere thought into his head. For a split second he almost feels sad that it was all just a dream but he quickly rids his brain of the feeling.

He squeezes his eyes shut as tightly as he can. No, he thinks. This isn’t happening. I’m being stupid. Quick, think of Jenny. Think of Jenny, think of Jenny!

And he does think of Jenny. He thinks of her soft, long blonde hair that always managed to look flawless no matter what, her melodic laughter, her perfect eyebrows, her amazing body, and -

Jongin suddenly feels like he’s been run over by a freight train carrying a thousand ton of bricks. His eyes snap open and he feels something ignite inside of him.

.

His right arm seems to move on its own as he rolls over and grabs his phone off the nightstand and dials Baekhyun’s number at lightning speed. 

❧