Gift for Rapscoups

Gift from ???

Title of the gift: Denied Reminiscence

Pairing(s):MarkBam

How many words: 3,079

Rating:

Warnings: none

Note to my giftee: Uh, I might not get the expectation you want but i hope you still like the story!

Denied Reminiscence

What I just want is to be an idol just like him, an idol that will make everyone smile, and most of all is to achieve what my goal is. This is me- a guy with a foolish dream that everyone knows to be a stupid.

"Help me-" I whispered as I fall into a cliff.

All I know after that is, blood is covering my head and my body can't afford to move- it's numb a body that is not useful and most of all a body that can't achieve the dream I wanted to be just like what he told me. Am I really that bad? Does my dream not parallel to what I will be in the future?

I feel the breeze of the air, I see the light of the sunset. I guess- It's the last time i will feel this. I sound stupid, but I'm worthless.

This is me, Kunpimook Bhuwakul- a guy with nothing but stupidity and the guy who will walk to the path of his death.

*

What happened to me, why is it so dark. I feel like my head is drawn underwater. I hate this, this feeling that my body is not useful. My memories are like fragmented crystal. I cannot remember what happened.

I opened my eyes, seeing that I'm not inside my room- it's totally different, room that is covered with white. Everything is pure.

"Good Morning sir- how are you feeling now?" The girl is in white asked me. I'm confused where am I? I nod as an answer to the girl. She must be a nurse, I can tell it from her outfit.

"Do you have a relative for us to call? No one is visiting you for a while"

Relatives? I think Yugyeom will do. I gave her the information about Yugyeom- my step brother. Maybe he can tell what happened to me.

"It's been a month yet no one bother to pay you a visit, we're worried because there is no information from you even from your phone." She told me.

"Can I know what happened to me? Who brought me here?" I asked her but she shrugged. She doesn't even know who and why- it's a total mystery.

She fixed some things on the hospital room. "Sorry but even the one who brought you here doesn't give some information about him." I wonder who that guy is, well at least I'm alive.

I waited a few hours, and Yugyeom came. His face looks pale; tears are streaming on his eyes through his cheekbones, a priceless reaction from my best friend and my Brother.

"M-mook!" He runs to me hugging me tightly. I can't breathe, it's too tight. I tapped his back and whispered. "Gyeom, I can't breathe..." He let go of me and laughs, wiping his tears and smiles widely.

"Mook I missed you!" He hits me softly. Well month is too long, and I understand that being alone is not good.

"I'm sorry Gyeom" I chuckle.

We talked about things on what happened but unfortunately, Gyeom didn't know what happened. He worried too much and it's my fault, I feel bad.

"Mook! I saw that JYP entertainment is open for trainee audition! Try it!" Gyeom speaks all of sudden.

"Gyeom, I'm shy I can't-" he didn't let me finished and he speaks right away. "Kunpimook! Stop that! It's your dream to be an idol and I support you! Be confident!" He holds my hands telling me this things. I know it's my dream but, I want to know what happened for the past days I'm lying here. I waste the precious time I had.

"Fighting!" He cheers. I'm glad to have him, he supports me on every aspect that I want, and never will fail for him.

*

It's been a year and luckily, I won. After I got out of the hospital, Yugyeom tried to push my confidence on making my dreams come true. Months of training are hard, without any communication with my brother is hard, but at least I saw my idol that helps to ease the pain.

Mark Tuan, he's a great idol as far as I know. I always dream to be like him and finally it's my chance. We may not have the casual conversation but honestly i want to approach him, I'm shy but at least a word like 'Hi' is an achievement for me if ever he notices me.

Now is the chance, my heart is pounding having the bottled water and towel on my hand. Yes, we are here at the practice room with him. Currently he is done showing his moves to us.

I run towards him. "Mark sunbae-nim-" I gave him the water and the towel. My heart is pounding with its horse power. "Uhh.." I look on his hand but he has his bottled water. Shame on me, this is embarrassing. I just gave him my towel and I go back at my place since it's near on where Mark rest.

"Everyone, get ready!" The instructor told us. Performing in front of him is quite hard, embarrassment still eats me at the moment.

I stand up with my fellow trainee. Time to show what we got. for the sake of the future. Seeing him with the other judges makes my head hurt- it's new for me to feel this, it's like a Déjà vu.

I can't concentrate, my head hurts a lot. I'm in a middle of my performance but the movements I have doesn't sync with my group.

We stopped as soon as the song ended. My headache doesn't want to leave me. I closed my eyes seeing a familiar face, Mark Tuan. A little more moment our instructor gave us time to rest, not that much but enough for us to take a nap or what so ever.

My memories are going back and it makes my head hurt, I need to excuse myself and go back to dorm. I can't stand having this headache all day.

*

"You don't even fit to be an idol-"

"Stop dreaming! It's not for you!"

"Stop being foolish! Being idol is hard"

I hear this every day, encouragements makes me fall, it hurts. But I will stand to achieve my dream.

Standing in front of the judges who expect high quality talents on everyone. I don't expect Mark is here.

"What's your name?" One of the judges ask.

"K-Kunpimook Bhuwakul." I answered.

They followed some few questions and tell me to show my talent. I'm no great at singing nor rapping and being shy is eating me. All eyes are on me-

I am asked to dance and I did. I looked at the judges, face are frowning questioning me. People around me are laughing, I hate this. I felt bad for myself and for the first time, I discouraged myself.

"Is that your talent?" Mark asked me.

Is it that bad? I know they are not satisfied. " Y-yes" I answered. He laughs sarcastically. "Kid, I think you're lost, a middle schooler can super pass you. Thank you for auditioning."

It hurts. What am I expecting from him to say, I don't know why but I failed myself.

The next thing I knew is I'm holding on the branch of the tree from the cliff.

-

I denied everything, there's no way Mark would say such those things. It must be my imaginations. Silly me.

I felt tears coming from my eyes. What’s this, why am I crying. "Why?" I laugh. But I sobbed placing a pillow on my face to lessen the sound. There's no way for me to believe such things.

I sleep and relax, maybe tomorrow i will not worry about this. I think, thinking about this is a cause of being tired.

*

It's been weeks and I can't get rid of those memories or maybe should I call imaginations? It haunts me till I sleep. Looks like an unfinished business.

"Hi? You're the one who let lend me this towel right?" It's Mark. It's nothing for me now, my mind is puzzled so I smiled and grab my towel. I'm not in the mood, it makes me remember what my imagination is.

I walk fast almost leaving the Company building but he holds my wrist. "Let me say Thank you first" he lets go of me. I faced him and chuckle. "its fine, no worries." I sound fake. I'm still stuck on remembering those lies running in my head.

"Ok?" He answered back.

I bowed and tell him I need to go. My mind is still occupied and seeing him doesn't help. I hope this won't affect my training, Gyeom will be sad if ever I failed.

"Allow me to treat you as a thank you!" Mark shouted. For the mean time, my heartbeat stops. It makes me forget my problems on a short moment of time.

Saturday Night, I'm on my way home. Someone put his arms on my shoulders. "Hello!" He greeted me. It's Mark sunbae!

"S-sunbae!" I faced him and bowed. I should still show respect to him, he's my senior after all.

"Drop that formality, treat me as your friend" he laughs. I found this very attractive, his smile, the laugh and the way he act. It's really different on what I imagined about him.

"Let me thank you, follow me" he hold my wrist leading the way. In no time, we stopped on an American restaurant.

"Sunbae-" I speak but he cut me off. "Told you, drop formalities and call me by my name." He laughs as soon as he ordered something.

Why do I doubt him? It's him in the opposite I like him in this way. He's kind and friendly.

"What's your name by the way?" He asked me scooping on his meal.

"I'm BamBam but my r-" he didn't let me finished and he spoke. "Mark here" he offered his hand and smiles. I know who you are. I reach for his hand and shake it.

We ate and talk some stuff, well he's bubbly and it really attracts me. He's my idol by the way. He looks like a person without a problem and stuffs he's always happy and I like it.

"On that day, I mean the day I gave your towel back, you look occupied. Mind sharing it to me?" He asked me. Well I don't know what to say, I don't like him to know what is occupying me. It's embarrassing.

"Just- My brother is ill so it b-bothers me." I lied.

He scratches his nape and smiles awkwardly. "Uh, can I let my feeling out? I have no one to share this so- can you lend me your ears for a bit?" He asked me a favor. Who am I not to accept, it's an opportunity for us to know each other better.

"Speak up Mark hyung" I looked at him as he plays with his food. "You know, I have someone special. I mean you know, a girl. We broke up." He laughs. is this a kind of joke? He looks fine, but how come he can smile in this situation?

"She told me I'm not enough for her. I can't fill her heart, there is something that I don't have." He chuckles. I let him speak, speak using his heart. It's better this way, to know him better.

I felt it once again, those imaginations tried to occupy me again. What's with me? I'm about to go crazy by this.

*

Month passed by, we became close. It's fun to be with him. He changes the way I personally look at him. He laughs and he smiles, those emotions makes me feel light it affects me, I laugh more than I usually do and I do smile than I do ever since the day I got out of the hospital.

'Bambam, meet me outside later! Let's go somewhere' he texted me.

To where? What's with this guy, he actually go out with me every night after the practice, but who knows. I can't say no since i will feel sad once I rejected him.

After those trainings, practice, studies and meetings, I finally went out and see him with his coat. It's winter and Christmas is coming. I'm excited to spend Christmas this year.

"Yo Bam!" He greeted me. He once again lead the way, I don't know but it looks familiar everything does.

"Where are we going?" I asked him. I'm curious and that's normal to ask. "Somewhere, trust me it's a great view." He holds my hands running.

I know it would be great since Mark suggested it but the thing is, my head starts to ache when I saw the surroundings. Memories? Imaginations? I don't know what to call it but right now it's haunting me. We stopped at the cliff, the scene is something to be seen and it's soothing, it's relaxing my ego.

"Bam? I have something to tell you-" he blocked the scenery. What's wrong with him?

"why do you need to block the sce-" he cut my words again. He loves to do this every time, but I'm used to it. He looks up sighing. "Bambam, listen to me. I want your attention on me only"

I nodded, who knows what he will say. "Go on spill it Mark" I told him.

"I like you-" he quickly turn around. He's shy, but I don't know what to react. How should I? It's new for me to feel this. "I don't need you to answer yet but, I'll wait." He continued.

"Mark hyung sit down!" I laughed. His face is somehow sad maybe because I laughed? But yea-

"Bam, you know I have someone- I mean who I speak bad with, He fell here and never saw him again. Who is it? I don't know, I called his talent stupid and-" I looked at him. What is he trying to say? Saying something out of the topic?

“What?” I look at his eyes. He’s not looking, he’s avoiding my gaze. “Bam, I discouraged him.” he looks sad, that affect him much?

I no time, i realized it, it’s me who he pity. I stand up. “It is Kunpimook?” he turns his gaze on me and nodded. Everything is right yet i denied it, i'm a fool for letting i go.

“How did you know?” he asked me with his face who is questioning me. Everything on my mind match on what he says. This place is where i fell.

My tears are streaming, i don’t know but the pain strikes me whenever i remember it. I never thought that my imagination is the truth. I stay away and run, i still can’t move on.

*

Christmas is almost up, I visited a cafe. Somehow i feel fine after the happenings between Mark and me, he never showed up after that. I feel bad, i really do.

“Sir, here’s your order.” The waitress gave the Espresso to me. I’m looking nowhere like a crazy person.

“Thank you.” I smiled at the waitress and grab my coffee.

I feel the cold breeze even though i’m here inside the cafe, the coffee aroma and the atmosphere blends well. Everything relaxes me, it makes me forget all of the problems and worries i have in my mind right now.

“Sir, a cake for you-” she comes near me once again. A cake? I never ordered one. “Miss? I never ordered cake.” i explained yet she just walks away after bowing.

“Kunpimook?” someone sits in front of me.

It’s Mark, I stand up but he get a grip on my hand. “Let me say something..” Should i still believe on him? Maybe a second chance will do? or what? I don’t know.

“Speak” i answered him in a cold way.

“Kunpimook, my words returned to me after my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I'm not watching my words; i'm careless at that time. Bam, Kunpimook, I’m sorry.” He kneels down in front of me.

Eyes are on us inside the cafe. This is embarrassing, why does he need to kneel in public! “Mark, stand up-” I told him but he didn’t stand up. Cameras are around us, Mark caught their attention.

I held Mark’s hand and helped him stand up, and whispered. “Stand up, protect your image!” he shakes his head. “Not until you forgive me.” he bows down his head.

How should i deal with him, he’s an hard headed man. I can’t stand this embarrassment for him, there’s nothing bad at forgiving him if he deserve it. i sighed and talked to him. “Fine, i forgive you so stand up!” he looks at me and immediately stand up, i followed him. “Thank you!” he hugged me.

We both settled down on our seats, people around us started to stop looking also. Everything inside here is stable now, and it’s time for me to face Mark. “Mark, I’m sorry too, it was an immature for me to act that way i hope you-” he once again cut my words. “I don’t care, your brother already told me about that and why you commit that, the suicide thingy.” I frowned, it’s not a suicide! It’s an accident!

“Don’t state wrong information Mark, it’s an accident- i shouted and i was not able to look at my surroundings, after that i fell! That’s all, once again it’s not a suicidal!” i shouted at him while laughing.

“Chill, Mook” he surrenders.

We once again fall into being mute, not literally but no one bothers to speak. Not even him or me, we completely know each other like a strangers, no one bothers to start a conversation. It’s awkward.

I ate the cake that the waitress gave me. “I ordered that for you.” he chuckled while looking at me.

“Thank you then-” I laugh.

My heart beat raced like crazy when mark comes near me. “There’s an icing.” He removed it using his thumb and ate it. I looked down to hide my face, my face looks like a tomato-

He once again leaned closer and steals a kiss from me. “Will you go on a date with me? Spending Christmas eve together?” he asked.

Who am i not to accept, this is my idol. “Yes!” the last word i told him before i notice that his lips are on mine.