Two
What if...?When Baekhyun opens his eyes he’s in a big and strange bed, in a bedroom that he hasn’t see in his entire life. His throat hurts, calling for some water, and the daylight hurt his eyes, so he rather keeps them closed.
Baekhyun buries his head in the comfy pillow and takes a deep breath. All his body was in pain after a trip of ten hours, and lay down holding the pillow just felt too good to move. He loved that feeling, when you just have wake up and you’re too sleepy to think straight nor have any worry by your side. It’s like a drug but without side effects.
He enjoys himself and the feeling of the covers onto his body a couple of minutes more, or were they a couple of hours? He doesn’t really care; he is too gone to be worrying about time right now, but, sadly, he can’t stay in bed forever, but all his bones felt too heavy, like plumb…
Baekhyun couldn’t tell if he fell asleep again when his eyes meet a white ceiling, and it’s when his stomach roars that he decided that it’s time to finally wake up and eat something since a delicious smell enters in the bedroom. Baekhyun wonders what could be Kyungsoo cooking as he sits up in the bed.
He yawns as he his eyes with his fist and guesses that he is probably in his friend’s guests room. It’s sober and simple, white walls, few furniture and a big window which illuminates all the room with the sun’s natural light. His suitcase was by his side, closed, and he realises that he has slept in his clothes. He didn’t remember to enter in his friend’s house, so he must fell asleep at some point while he was talking with his friend.
Baekhyun finally gets up and wanders into Kyungsoo’s kitchen, observing every detail of the younger’s house. No photos nor paintings on the walls, just dirty white, carpet flooring and the sound of his owns steps filling the corridor. He expected something less… glum… of Kyungsoo’s house, but he didn’t know exactly what. Maybe frame photos capturing his life forever, maybe just something that remember Baekhyun how much he left in Korea, something that tells Baekhyun that life could go on without him in his old friend’s life. Baekhyun expected be hurt by the fact of his friend living happily while he was dying miles away of everything, but this gloomy atmosphere hurt even more. He finds Kyungsoo in front of the stove, cooking, as he guessed before.
“Morning.” Said Baekhyun sniffing the air with his eyes closed, appreciating the home-made food’s scent. He just ate pre-cooked and fast-food since he was a total disaster in the kitchen and damn it, whatever that Kyungsoo’s cooking smelled like heaven compared to the cheap pizza and the instant noodles he used to eat.
“You mean afternoon. It’s already 1:38PM. I thought you were never going to wake up.” Kyungsoo glares ate him momently giving him a polite smile after return his attention to the food. “Are you hungry? The Jajangmyeon* is almost ready”.
(Jajangmyeo (짜장며 in Korean): Korean and Chinese dish. Is a noodle dish topped with a thick sauce made of chunjang, diced pork and vegetables, and sometimes also seafood.)
“Thank God, bless you and your dishes, I’d could eat a whole ox by myself right now, especially if you’re cooking it”. Exclaims Baekhyun helping his friend to set the table, so he can do something and stop feeling so useless in that strange house. He didn’t know where the plates, napkins and the silverware were, so he wasn’t too helpful to be honest but he tried after all.
Kyungsoo laughs a little at his comment and serves the food for the two of them, so they start to eat immediately. Kyungsoo thought that that was the perfect moment to talk about what he wanted to talk to Baekhyun and Baekhyun knew that an awkward talk was coming since they hadn’t time for it last night.
He thinks about the cliché “hey, I haven’t see you in five years, tell me about your life” talk but Baekhyun really didn’t had an idea of what was coming.
“So, how’s London?” He asked pretending to start a normal conversation, but Baekhyun knew that there was something fishy behind his question, surely something that wouldn’t exactly please him. Kyungsoo already knows the answer and Kyungsoo never asks twice. Baekhyun didn’t mentioned anything though and waited for the actual matter of this chat.
“Well, y’know. It isn’t the big thing. How’s Soul?” He asked filling his mouth with more Jajangmyeo, so he’d have some time extra before answer whatever Kyungsoo was going to ask him, which, by the way, was as delicious as its smells.
Kyungsoo sighed and started to play absently with his chopsticks. —Oh, here comes— thought Baekhyun without any hurry to swallow the noodles in his mouth. “Korea has missed you”. Mumbled the youngest with a sad smile barely curving his full lips.
Baekhyun stopped eating and gave his friend a regretting look. Though he hated to talk about his fatal decision, maybe Kyungsoo deserved a more correctly explanation. Maybe because he has stayed by his side after all though he didn’t deserve that, because Kyungsoo hasn’t too many friends, but the friends that he has are forever. And maybe because it was time to pay him back for everything he did for him some way.
It’s true that he can’t turn back time now and patch up his mistakes, and it’s also true that he can’t fix them with a couple of sorry words, but that was all he could do, though it wasn’t enough. That was such a sad but accurate metaphor of his life; always wanting to give the best of him, but being his best not enough.
“I-I’m sorry, I…” He stammered playing with his fingers under the table and keeping his eyes glaring down to them, too ashamed to look at Kyungsoo.
“No, you don’t have to apologize, Baek” Kyungsoo cut him off with a half-smile, and that smile just made Baekhyun feel even guiltier. “I mean, we all have missed you, especially Chanyeol.”
The simple mention of his name made Baekhyun shiver from head to toe with a warm electric current that crossed all his body. He was incapable to reply his friend though, what was he supposed to say? That he has missed him too? That he couldn’t forget him? That his stupid feelings stay here and are killing him from the inside? That he wasn’t ready to pretend he doesn’t give a about his marriage?
“Baek, I know that this is a sensitive subject for you but…” Kyungsoo started to say, but Baekhyun interrupted him.
“I’m good, Soo.” He lied with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but Kyungsoo was Kyungsoo, and you can’t lie to him, even if you try.
“No, you’re not, nor is Chanyeol neither.” Baekhyun couldn’t believe his friend’s words though he wanted them to be true. —How old are you? — thought Baekhyun— sixteen?
“Oh, c’mon, Soo! It’s not me who has turned the page and is getting married in five days with the first girl that have found!” He said ignoring the sharp pain in his chest, the lump in his throat and his glassy eyes. This time, he refused to cry again for Chanyeol, it was useless anyways, tears won’t make Chanyeol change his mind, won’t they? Kyungsoo sighed again, shaking his head.
“What kind of person who has moved on gets married with only 23 years old, for God’s sake?” Baekhyun gave his friend a significant look but he didn’t say anything, so Kyungsoo keep talking after another, but deeper this time, sigh. “Look, Baekhyun, you both are friends of mine, okay? I just hate have to watch how you ruin your life just because you both are too childish and insecure to confess their feelings for once.”
“You mean you and Jongin, are you?” Spited Baekhyun with poison in each one of his words. Kyungsoo didn’t deserve his anger, but he was right: Baekhyun was too childish and insecure to confess his feelings to Chanyeol for once, because he was afraid of his heartbroken when Chanyeol reject him, he was afraid of that he might hate him after confess him that he looked in that way, that he loves him in that way, and he was being immature right now venting his frustration with his friend, unable to face the truth, but he hated when other people knew him better that himself did, which wasn’t too difficult if he was being honest.
“That’s different, Baekhyun” Kyungsoo tried to reason, but it was too late, Baekhyun was out of his mind because of the restrained anger with himself during all these years.
“No it’s not! You love him since when?! Since high school?! When will you be a man and stop…?!” Baekhyun started to rise his voice higher and higher as he got angry and angrier till Kyungsoo hushed him with a shout that froze the blood inside of his veins.
“We’re NOT talking about me and Jongin but you and Chanyeol.” Baekhyun shut up hating himself for ing it up. Again.
“I’m sorry, I just…” Oh, here comes again, the guilty pain in his chest and the self-hate. Why was his existence so disappointing? Wondered Baekhyun.
“It’s okay, I know that this is not a pleasant subject to chat about for you.” Said Kyungsoo closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, filled with patience. “I just want you to know that he has missed you a lot, even more than myself have, and that he’s gonna mess up his life getting married now and with her.”
Baekhyun didn’t get what Kyungsoo was trying to tell him. He already knows that his Chanyeol is getting married with a person that Baekhyun doesn’t even know, with a person that isn’t him, a person that could make Chanyeol happier that he could, a person who Chanyeol loves in the way that Baekhyun loves Chanyeol. He didn’t need to Kyungsoo to remember him all that.
“And what in world do you want me to do? Stop his wedding after a triumphal entrance and kiss him in front of all his family and the whole church, including Jesus crucified and the parson, as we were in a romantic drama? Are you ing kidding me?”
“It wouldn’t be a bad idea.” Mutter Kyungsoo trying to improve the atmosphere, patting his cheek with his index and Baekhyun kicked him under the table, trying to look relaxed and playful, but he couldn’t since he actually mattered about what Chanyeol was going to do. He mattered about Chanyeol in general. “Auch. It hurts.”
“You deserve it. This is serious, Soo, stop joking.” Begged Baekhyun with almost an imploring look in his eyes.
He felt too devastated to fake a smile this time.
“I know it, Baek, I really know that this is not a game, but you have to trust me, okay?
“I do trust you. You’re like my little brother”. And this time, a little smile curved Baekhyun’s lips. Knowing that Kyungsoo was going to be always there relaxed him and helped him to don’t blame himself that much.
“Why am I the youngest when I’m feeling like the oldest the 120% of the times?” He asked squinting with a half smile, obviously teasing Baekhyun.
“Because I’m, obviously, the oldest one, midget”.
“Mentally, I’m the oldest, dear brother.” Keep teasing Kyungsoo and, internally, and though Baekhyun knew that he was only distracting him of his own mind, he was grateful for that.
“Since when, dear brother?” he replied. It wasn’t so hard keep playing with his old friend like in the high school times, and to pretend that nothing had happened.
“Since your mentally age is of 12 years old”.
They laughed, like in the old times, and for a moment it seemed like nothing had changed, tough everything was now different. Baekhyun was still in love with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo with Jongin, and none of them dare to confess their feelings to them, but it seemed to be least stressful. Now Chanyeol’s getting married in least that a week and God knows why Kyungsoo keeps saying that things between him and Jongin were so complicated.
Everything was the same but more complicated. Maybe that was what grow old means. Everything gets more complicated.
“Well if you trust me” said Kyungsoo once he recovered his breath “What you have to do now is to calm down and go to prepare your things. We’re going to my parent’s summer house with the others for Chanyeol’s stag-party.”
It took a couple of minutes to Baekhyun to assimilate what Kyungsoo was saying and be able to articulate a single word because of the shock.
His friend must be joking.
“Wait. Summer house? The others? A Stag-party of four days long?” Just questions and more questions came out of Baekhyun’s lips, and the good atmosphere seemed to have disappeared now. Damn Kyungsoo, what the was he trying to do now?
“Actually” Kyungsoo interrupted his friend “It’s a single party of a whole week long. I changed the wedding’s date in your invitation knowing you’ll came just the time necessary to acclimate to the time difference for the weeding and then leave.”
Okay, now Kyungsoo could actually just go to hell for Baekhyun, who has forgotten about “the old times” and that bull, and now all that he wants is murder his dear friend.
“Stop right there you lil… Are you actually telling me that YOU invited ME to CHANYEOL’S wedding without him knowing, and that the nine of us including Chanyeol are gonna live under the same roof for a WEEK? ARE YOU ING KIDDING ME DO KYUNGSOO?” He yelled setting aside his plate of Jajangmyeo for a moment and absorbing Kyungsoo’s words.
He has to be kidding, things like that only happens in movies or tv shows, this can’t be actually happening to him, in real life. This definitely must to be a dream, a bad one, or a bad joke of his mind.
“Breaking a lance for me, I have to say that that invitation is actually yours. I found it in Chanyeol’s bedside table while I helped him with them the last month. He wants you here but he didn’t know your address, so, I helped him a bit, making his dreams come true and that stuff that Fairys Goodmothers do.” Said Kyungsoo with calmness in every word.
Baekhyun didn’t had time to analyse Kyungsoo’s words, he was too upset for that.
How in earth could he being so unconcerned? You can’t just appear from the nothing in the wedding of your “ex-best-friend” and actual crush after five ing years without have seen each other.
“You can’t be serious.” Said Baekhyun out of his breath, passing his hand through his hair in a vane act to calm himself and refusing to believe Kyungsoo’s words.
“Yes, I can and I actually am. You two need a bit of shock therapy and I thought that this was the best occasion for your emotional reunion.”
“I ing hate you”. Mumbled Baekhyun giving his friend a killer look.
“You ing love me, don’t lie. Now, hurry up and prepare your things. We’re leaving in half an hour.”
He sat on the passenger seat of Kyungsoo’s car just like yesterday, his heart’s beating fast because of his nervousness though it was a two hours long car journey. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready at all and he never will be. Baekhyun sighed and rested his head against the headrest closing his eyes. He didn’t want to think now, and, as if the heaven would have listened him and had some mercy of his poor soul, his thoughts shut and everything dipped to black.
The sweet memories of late spring rolled around his dreams. The gentle scent of flowers and calm, the feeling of the grass under his body, the warm sun caressing his skin, the sound of a family laughter and two dark brown eyes that made his body to shiver.
He felt his long fingers playing with his hair and his faster than usual heartbeat. Baekhyun, somewhere between dreams and reality, wondered what would have happened that day if the “I love you” that he muttered would be listened by the taller guy of dark hair and kind smile.
Baekhyun has a blue weight on his shoulders when he and Kyungsoo arrived to the younger’s father’s summer house. It was big, well, more than big, it was huge. It has bright white walls; a lot of windows and an enormous garden surround the building filled with every kind of plant and flower that you could imagine. It was a place that it was hard to believe that could be in Korea; next to a sand beach and far away from the city…
Baekhyun couldn’t deny that the house was better than nice, but he couldn’t help but feel worry and uncomfortable there. He knew that inside these four walls were his old friends, who he doesn’t know if he could call them “friends” anymore since he left all of them (and Chanyeol) and move to London just because he was an enormous .
He sighed and tried to calm himself, still with his eyes on the gigantic house. He bitted his lower lip and tried to breathe normally. —It’s just a house, they’re just my old friends. There’s nothing to worry about—. He repeated to himself, but it was pointless, he was already freaking out.
What if he falls even more with Chanyeol once he sees him? What if his Chanyeol isn’t the same Chanyeol anymore? What if he has change? What if he hates Baekhyun for leave him, which would be normal?
Kyungsoo’s hand tapping his shoulder gets the boy out of his thoughts.
“You okay?” he asked with a concerned look. All that Baekhyun could do was nod since a lump closed his throat, impeding him to talk. Damn his nervousness.
His friend sighed, knowing that Baekhyun was lying again to him, but they couldn’t stay in the car forever. He opened the door and get out of the vehicle with a little smile that didn’t help Baekhyun at all. All he could think about was how much he wanted to run away from that house… and Korea.
Kyungsoo opened his door and handed him his case. It was harder and harder to breathe as they approached to the house’s gateway unsteadily. They were in front of the door, Baekhyun could listen pieces of a conversation muffled with the house’s walls, several laughs, and that particular laugh, that particular voice was in there.
Baekhyun failed miserably trying to put himself together. He wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, his mind told him to run away as soon as he could, but his entire body wanted to stay and keep listening to his voice, his body wanted to see him again, hug him, kiss him…
Baekhyun lost his breath and felt he was about to pass out, but Kyungsoo’s hand on his shoulder kept him on the Earth. Baekhyun saw his friend say something that he couldn’t hear, maybe a cheer word. “Fighting” for sure. When he was aware of his body again, he was ringing the house’s bell, with his heartbeat in his ears and shaking from head to toe.
He heard the muffled conversation die down, a confused mumble after a couple of second of silent and a familiar complain. He heard steps and the mumble of several voices keep going with the previous talk. Someone opened the door muttering something, surely greeting Kyungsoo, they were in his parent’s summer house after all, but Baekhyun couldn’t hear a word, he was too nervous for that.
A thin and tall figure appeared behind the wood door. Straight brown hair and perfect eyebrows. The guy’s jaw fell to the ground as he stared at Baekhyun with unbelievable eyes. Baekhyun couldn’t say nothing, he couldn’t even look into the younger’s eyes, he just kept playing with the end of his hoodie as a five years old child who waits for his mum’s rebuke.
“Hyung…” Baekhyun looked up and meet Sehun’s eyes. He has changed a lot. He’s even taller than he was already and he isn’t a little kid anymore.
Baekhyun remember when they all because he was the youngest in the group of friends and he always ran with Yixing, maybe because he didn’t quite understand Korean perfectly and he had lost the thread of the conversation long time ago, so he never knew why was Sehun so upset with everyone except him.
How much has he missed in all this time?
“Damn it, Baekhyun. We’ve missed you” Said the tallest guy after pulling him into a tight hug.
“Good kids don’t swear, little Sehun-nie” Baekhyun didn’t knew how he managed to joke and laugh with his old friend in that situation, but he did, kind of relieved because he didn’t hate him as much as he expected to. He didn’t hate him at all.
Sehun greeted Kyungsoo too, “less-hugging” this time and they started their way to the lounge. The tallest started to talk, but Baekhyun wasn’t really listening to him, he was freaking out way too much for that. His nervousness increased when he heard his voice, clearly this time, and after he could even think of run away, he was in front of all of them.
Time froze for him. Everybody inside that room abruptly shut up as soon as they watch him enter in it. Silent, heavy silent between them, unbelieve stares, disbelieving whispers here and there, more painful silent. Baekhyun didn’t know how long did he held his breath when he exhaled abruptly.
His eyes stopped in Chanyeol’s and he stared back at him. His heart thudded as he watched pain in the black haired’s eyes. He wanted to say that he was sorry, that Chanyeol has the right to hate him as much as he hated himself already, but his eyes went up to a female and oddly familiar figure next to his friend.
“She must be his fiancée”. Thought Baekhyun, and, one by one, except Chanyeol who was still looking at him in shock, started to approach and hug Baekhyun, telling him that it’s been a very long time and that they’ve missed him. Baekhyun wanted answer all their questions and tell them how sorry he was and that he has missed them too, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about where he saw the female before, and, when she gave Baekhyun a killer look, he remembered.
She was the girl making out with that strange guy in the tatty restaurant’s bathroom, a guy that wasn’t Chanyeol.
Baekhyun’s world stopped and he knew for the way that the girl was looking at him while whispered something in Chanyeol’s ear that she remembered him too.
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