Sometimes Baekhyun wishes he could be a kid again. Sometimes he really does. He wants to come back to the time everything was easier, lighter, to that time when his problems weren’t as big as he thought they actually were. To that time when he still had a chance, at that time when he was still innocent, still as pure as naïve a he was once.

Sometimes he would be satisfied with just a day, a day to revive the good old times, to submerge himself in his book of memories and switch off from reality, just twenty-four hours was enough to intoxicate himself with carelessness and the scent of the past times. Just one day, one night to be happy again, the way he once was.

But he couldn’t, he couldn’t erase everything just clicking his fingers, he had to bear with all his mistakes, all his decisions, all his past, and, oh God, he had been so stupid, he still was so stupid. He had missed everything, he had lost every single opportunity he had to make himself happy and threw them overboard. He spent his life wondering “What ifs” but without doing nothing. He spent his life waiting for the happiness to knock at his door when he knew it wouldn’t come by itself.

He was a moron.

And he wished he wasn’t, but he was and he hated it and himself.

“Hey, what are you thinking about? You seem absent” Baekhyun turned to the sound and met big sparkly eyes glowing in concern and his heart broke in the most painfully way possible into tiny little pieces. He couldn’t escape from reality, he was too late, he missed Chanyeol, he missed the man he was madly in love with and now it was too late to try anything, it was too late to try to reach out for him, he knew that, but still, he didn’t want to believe it. “Baekhyun-sshi, you okay?”

It was spring, sometime between April and May, when it was hot enough to just use a T-shirt, but without being suffocating. The sky was pale blue, bright orange and deep purple, almost black, not a single cloud that break its pure aesthetic, the breeze cold against his skin, dancing with the tree leaves and messing his bangs, the dying sunlight warm and bright and the green of the grass splattered of radiant yellow.

Baekhyun, had decided to spend some time by himself in the patio, wanting to be happy because he finally made up with Chanyeol, but he couldn’t, not keeping so much secrets from him, not being unable to tell him about his fiancée, not hiding and being the chicken he was.

Chanyeol didn’t deserve someone like that.

“Yeah” he wanted to sound convinced, fearless, he wanted to sound actually okay, but his voice came out as a muffled breath, as a hopeless sigh, a smile made up of tears, a happy song with gloomy lyrics. He sounded broken.

Chanyeol frowned his eyebrows, and take a closer look of Baekhyun’s face, making the older hug his legs and look away, fearing Chanyeol could read his eyes and discover everything he was swallowing, that he could find out he loved him, and that he knew the woman he was in love with was cheating on him just by looking into his eyes. After some eternal seconds, the younger breathed out in a long and heavy sigh, trying to smile naturally but failing miserably after haven’t find what he was looking for in Baekhyun’s features.

“I understand, I’m sorry, I pushed you too far and I apologise. I understand if you don’t wanna see my ugly face and you just wanna be alone, I mean, you don’t have to force yourself just because you pity me because this is all “for me” and that stuff. I re-” words came too fast making Baekhyun’s head hurt, all he understood was Chanyeol was blaming himself, again. And he couldn’t allow that, not again.

“I’ve already told you I forgive you, you idiot. How many times do I have to repeat it to you to understand?” Baekhyun cut him with annoyance. Chanyeol was too pure, too nice to him, too perfect to be good, too good to be his. “I’ve missed you like hell, and I should be the one apologising! I mean, I left you and everybody without even say a word, I moved to London and blocked and deleted your number because I couldn’t bear to talk to you and miss you even more!”

Heart spoke before his head could do anything to stop it. Baekhyun felt so stupid, he was so stupid and helpless and he hated himself so much he wanted to kill himself and make everybody a favour.

A lump in his throat chocked him, tears threating to slide out of the corners of his eyes, but he refused, he refused to cry in front of Chanyeol, he refused to show his weakness to him. He just couldn’t do that.

He wanted to be strong, but he wasn’t.

“I’m so, so sorry and you should hate me, I deserve it after all, but you’re just too nice that you can’t see wickedness in other people. And you really should! I ed everything up; our friendship, my life, your life, everyone’s life! I just- I just wish I could restart everything from zero and avoid to have hurt y’all.”

The black haired gave him a little smile, but it looked more like a cry, it looked apprehensive, hurt. And Baekhyun wanted to light it up, to make him smile fully, like the time they were kids and played together and dreamed about the future, making promises he couldn’t really keep, planning thing they couldn’t really do. He wanted to be the reason of his smiles even though when he just was the reason of his tears and heartbroken.

He was so selfish.

Chanyeol stood up, maybe because he realised he didn’t worth it, he didn’t worth anything and he was about to walk away and leave him in the grass alone. For a brief moment, Baekhyun wished he would, he wished Chanyeol would just run away and leave him alone so he could cry and self-pity him, but he wanted him to stay too. He wanted him to sit next to him and embrace him and make him feel less alone. He wanted Chanyeol to remember him he forgave him, because he couldn’t believe it all by himself. He wanted him to stay and he wanted to tell him everything, but he hadn’t change after all, he still was the same stupid child that sleep on opportunities, he was still a coward.

Chanyeol didn’t go away though, he didn’t leave him. He stayed and looked down at him with softened features.

He was even taller from there.

“Is that what you what this to be?” He asked, sweet smile drawn in his face, sincerer this time, and Baekhyun got so lost in his stare he almost forgot about the question.

“W-What?” but Chanyeol’s smile just grown wider as hasty words left Baekhyun’s mouth, confusion getting in the way of his question and tripping over with his tongue, making everything awkward, words coming out as a clumsy stutter.

His question was never answered, instead, Chanyeol gave him silence and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen in his entire life, gentle features still visible from the distance.

“Hello” he said lightly “What’s your name?”

Baekhyun couldn’t see what was the point of this game, he wasn’t even sure what kind of game he was playing, but he couldn’t take himself to say no to Chanyeol.

“B-Baekhyun?” he mumbled, his hands being the most interesting thing to look at at that moment.

“Oh! Your name’s very beautiful! I’m Chanyeol, nice to meet you” Baekhyun looked up, meeting his cute dimple and realisation hit him like a truck: His friend was the biggest cheese-ball alive, but it couldn’t make him happier, he couldn’t lie like that. Baekhyun smiled to the taller and so did him and a bubble feeling landed in both of their stomachs and time seemed to stop for the both of them, just the two of them in their tiny perfect world “would you mind if I call you “Baekhyun-nie”? I think it sounds cute, as you, but I don’t know if you like it”.

“Oh, my God, shut up” he said breaking the eye contact nervous laughter and shaky voice, worrying his face would look like a tomato at any moment. Butterflies were crazy in his stomach, idiotic fond smile deforming his features and heart beating fast, nervous, anxious, wanting more but knowing that was just a dream, an illusion.

Just a perfect illusion. Nothing more, nothing less.

Chanyeol crouched in front of him, too near to be socially correct, far enough to breathe, and tried to find Baekhyun’s eyes smiling like mad.

“But you haven’t answered my question” a big warm hand on his knee, heart threatening with break at any moment, head spinning around “Do you like it?” his voice came quieter this time, almost as a whisper, so, that Baekhyun wouldn’t be able to hear him if they weren’t so close.

The twenty-four-year-old gulped nervously and felt he couldn’t look away from those big dark wells that were looking at him. He felt dizzy. The oldest moistened his lips, and take a deep breath, before say anything.

“Yeah” he mumbled “I do like it, giraffe” he managed to mock, the half of a smile curving his lips, air still way too warm around him, around them, heart about to burst.

Chanyeol’s smile grown wider as a fake annoyed look crossed his face “Oi! Don’t call me giraffe you dwarf!”

“I do because you’re too tall!” Baekhyun fired back, letting himself go for once, letting all the worries fade away and letting himself be happy.

“You are the one who is too short! You haven’t grown at all in this five years! Is that even possible?”

“Excuse you, how can you be still growing? Are you even human? I don’t want a giant as a friend” Chanyeol pretended he just got shoot in the heart and gave Baekhyun a fake hurt look that it was just too much for him.

Laughter came out easily for the first time in what it felt like ages, light, clear, pure. It felt good, it felt good to laugh like that once more.

Chanyeol stared at his friend with fond, warm resting in his chest and a nice felling overwhelming his senses. It was nice. He didn’t know what it was or how to name it, but he liked it. He liked the warm wave spreading from his chest to his tiptoes when Baekhyun laughed like that, he liked the sound of his laughter, it sounded like little bells, like a breath of spring air before a long, cold winter, it sounded almost angelical, sincere, pure.

It sounded like his favourite song.

A little smile curved his lips without permission and grown wider and wider.

He wanted to make Baekhyun laugh, it wasn’t a whim, it was more like a need, a stupid pointless need he couldn’t refuse to himself.

“Apologize right now!”

“No, I won’t, I’m older than you, I don’t have to!” Baekhyun managed to say recovering his breath and swipe out fake tears from the corner of his eyes.

“Oh, okay then, this giant still remembers how ticklish you are, dwarf!” Chanyeol’s smile became mischievous and Baekhyun’s eyes wide open as he tried to escape from the younger, but it was useless, he was trapped between the house and Chanyeol and there was no way he could get out of there.

“Hey, you two, lovebirds, you better rush the up into the lounge if you don’t wanna Sehun to kick your asses” Jongdae’s voice cut out between their tickle session and made the both of them stop in their tracks looking at each other with both, embarrassment and confusion.

“I don’t want my to be kicked” mumbled Chanyeol, eyebrows frowned until the point to almost become one.

“Neither I” agreed Baekhyun still staring at the point in which their friend was standing just one second ago.

The front door swung close and a heavy silence found its place between the two young men, that couldn’t help but stare at each other again, Chanyeol half on top of Baekhyun, his hands at both sides of him, Baekhyun’s fingers warpped around Chanyeol’s triceps, in a pointless try to escape from the younger.

Now that everything had stopped, their closeness was more awkward than ever.

“U-Uhm, I think we should hurry up” Chanyeol was the first to talk, breaking the awkward silence between them.

“Y-Yeah, you’re right. W-We really should… get going”.

“Yeah…” Chanyeol stood up and helped Baekhyun to do so, the bitter taste of an uneasy feeling filling his mouth as his heart skipped a beat when Baekhyun’s cold and little hand grabbed his before stand up from the ground, but he didn’t know why.

Well, that felt weird.

It wasn’t exactly bad-weird, just weird, odd. It felt like something that has always been there but he hasn’t realise yet, but he was starting to find out things, to be aware of them.

He didn’t know if he wanted to though.

“Thank you” Baekhyun’s voice, dulcet and sweet like honey interrupted his thread of thoughts, making him to stare at him and his mouth went dry.

A little heart-stopping smile curved his lips, as soft as his voice, and everything seemed to slow down, as in slow motion. His brain disconnected from his body, too dazzled by Baekhyun’s features, brighter than the sun itself, with traces of the picture of his friend in his dreams this morning and something uneasy placed itself in Chanyeol’s stomach.

It was almost like he just saw an angel.

When he finally managed to snap out of his fuzzy thoughts, Baekhyun’s back was facing him and anything else became irrelevant.

Why was he leaving? Why? Why it felt like the end of the world the simple idea of losing him again? Why did it feel like his heart actually ached? Why did it feel like it was about to burst?

Chanyeol didn’t want the answer of his questions, he didn’t want to realise things, it was too much for him, his head felt about to explode. It was easier to just pretend everything was normal, that he hadn’t any odd dreams or confusing thoughts. It was easier to don’t even question any of his impulses, any of his whims.

It was easier to not figure out anything.

Yeah, it definitely was easier, and Chanyeol hated to complicate.

Baekhyun had one of his hands already on the doorknob and the tallest felt he had to rush, he had to do something.

He had to do something to erase the awkwardness built between them, he had to make sure Baekhyun didn’t feel guilty again because what happened five years ago, that Baekhyun has understood he really mean it when he said he forgives him and always will.

He has to assure Baekhyun doesn’t feel miserable because of him ever again.

“Baekhyun” Chanyeol’s voice called out making the twenty-four-year-old freeze in his site and turn around to find the taller staring at the ground, trying to hide the pink tint of his cheeks.

Something heavy was placed in Baekhyun’s chest, making it hard to breathe, and so did in Chanyeol’s.

“Y-Yeah?” Baekhyun turned around and, oh God, Chanyeol could release the breath he was unwittingly holding.

“I just want you to know that I really forgive you. It was rude of me to tell you I wanted to hate you. I apologize”.

An angel passed over the patio and between them, leaving perfect silence after that, perfect silence in which none of them dared to say anything, Chanyeol’s words too rush, sudden, and desperate in Baekhyun’s ears, Baekhyun’s features too blank, shook, nervous and hard to read to erase the anxiousness filling Chanyeol’s chest.

“Don’t be sorry” Baekhyun whispered and all the awkwardness that had been between them before seemed to die away as their smiles grew while looking at each other. Chanyeol was now next to the smallest, the distance than once seemed like an impenetrable wall between them, now closed. “I am sorry, I really deserve it tho- Ouch!” Chanyeol didn’t left Baekhyun finish the sentence pinching his nose almost annoyed.

“I’ve told you already to not be sorry!” and he meant his words. He didn’t want Baekhyun to apologize forever, their friendship wouldn’t be the same if he did.

“Okay! I’m sorry”. Chanyeol pinched his nose again and the both of them laughed at themselves and it felt right, it felt that they finally have shorted things out, it felt like they could really start over again from zero.

“YOU TWO! WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG OUT THERE?! COME IN RIGHT NOW, WE’RE WAITING FOR YOU!” Sehun yelled from the inside making the both of them open the door and rush into the lounge where all of their friends already were around a Trivial board.

“What is this about?” Chanyeol asking, slighted surprised that all that Sehun had in mind was something as innocent as play Trivial.

The last rolled his eyes with impatience “Trivial. How stupid are you, for ’s shake?”

“Sehun, language!” Junmyeon’s voice called out making everyone laugh. Sehun could be forty and he would still be the baby of the group.

“Okay mum” the youngest rolled his eyes again and pointed two empty chairs, one in front of the other across the table “whatever, sit down, you’re in different teams.”

 

Wow, it’s the first time I upload this fast *shook* plus, this chapter is acceptability long to compensate the last one. The more I have to do, the more I want to write lmao.

ANYWAYS I’m sorry, I wasn’t planning this chapter at all, it literally came out of nothing and all it did was to add even more tension and make this history longer, but GREAT NEWS PEOPLE I think that they’re ready for some drama, some realising and some action. Are you?

I apologise for the awkward Chanbaek, the lack of Kaisoo and the failed fluff.

BUT jealousy is coming ;)

As always, thank you so much for all the comments, the upvotes and the subs. It means a lot.

-Ari

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