Radio feels like radio again, and it’s like the world is coming back to me in full high-definition surround sound. Like I’ve been in trapped in a wall of reverse-sound, at risk of being trapped in the loudness of silence.

Jae is laughing at a joke he just made up. I don’t know if it’s funny, but I’m laughing with him because he’s so pleased with himself. His laughter is contagious, and maybe that’s how I knew I was broken. Because not even that could bring me back to this space. But I’m here now, and I intend to make the most of it.

Tonight feels like a good day. Me, Jae, the red On-Air light blinking at us.

“Kitty Kat, my Kitty Kat,” Jae says after he mutes our mics and puts on the dreamy trance mix I prepared for our show. “I missed you. Like legit missed you.”

“I didn’t go anywhere,” I remind him.

We all went out the other night, Sungjin and his roommates, me and Ayeon. Jimin. Huiryong and Sungjin are still weird around each other, and that’s probably how it will be like for a while. I asked her if there was anything I could do, but Huiryong just told me to have fun. And that we, with Ayeon, should go out again soon. I just want to hang out with everyone all the time again. Just like before.

I owned up to my mistakes, and I admitted to my wrongs. I hurt the people around me too. Just because I have this in my head does not excuse my behavior. I have to do better. The night was terrifying, and so many times I wanted to flee, but Sungjin’s presence kept me grounded. Besides, he didn’t make me practice what I was supposed to say for nothing.

“You did, though,” Jae replies softly. "Kind of. In a manner of speaking.”

In a manner of speaking, Jae is correct. “I guess I did. I’m sorry.” I apologised to him a little extra, too. I was a lousy friend. “But I’m here now. And I missed this.”

Jae is leaning back in his seat, tipping it as far back as his weight can take him. Which is still not a lot, this string bean. What am I going to do with this guy? “Just this?”

I laugh. “I missed you too, Jae.”

“Do my ears deceive me?” He gasps, clutching at his chest. “Words I never thought I’d ever hear! You’ve gone soft, Kitty. Are you sure you’re really Kitty?”

I ignore him and continue working on my songwriting. Because I’m feeling lighter, and because I’m removed from the situation, I’m able to look at my pain from a different perspective. Writing about sadness is easy. Writing pain is easy. Everyone knows pain. Everyone can relate to pain. It’s so easy to hurt people. But writing about hope? That’s difficult. Writing about happiness? It feels like an even greater challenge. To write about pain but still make it about hope—it feels both within grasp and unattainable. But my choices will intimately be mine, and I have to choose joy. Because in this world of unending grief, I have to hold on to something.

My life isn’t going to change at once, I know. But little by little, I know if I keep doing what I love, things will always have a chance to be better.

I have to believe in joy.

Be who you are and say how you feel—it’s so simple but at the same time not.

“When I finish this song, would you guys be willing to record it for me? It feels more like the kind of song for a band than…well, my usual.”

Jae’s eyes grow twice their size. “It would be my honour. And I know the rest of the band will feel the same way. Also as your friends, you really need to get that done you know. Like, real soon.”

I laugh again. “I know. I’m almost done. And then we can go record the thing, that’s the easiest part.” The hard parts will be me in production and reporting to Professor Park, and seeing the annoyed look on Sungjin’s face when I say I don’t want to work with him anymore. I’ve already told him before, but I keep having to say it again.

“I can’t believe you’re coming to my band for help now.”

I shake my head at him and continue to a fresh page on my notebook. “Yeah, yeah. I was wrong about your band. I’m sorry. You guys are amazing. Honest to goodness truth.” I still can’t believe all this time the band was forming around me. They were getting together in my periphery and I never noticed until it was too late. I think about how Wonpil asked me to go see Dowoon. About how Young K is Brian. About Jae. About Sungjin. Even now it feels unreal.

Jae looks pleased. “Thank you, kindly. See, this is why you should listen to me. I was right about Bob, too.”

“Yeah, you were.” It was only a matter of time before Jae brings this up again, and of course now is the time. “You were right about your bandmate Bob. Your brother from another mother, Bob.”

“He’s good for you.”

“He is.”

“Even if you set us up for your own gain,” I tease. “I mean, you wanted him to get over his ex. Which so happened to be my roommate, just by the way. This is all very complicated.”

Jae laughs, covering his mouth his hand. “How was I supposed to know that? We barely met Huiryong. And for the record, since we’re being all honest and soft and emo now, can I just say, I set you up because I was like, Bro, you need to start dating again, and he was like whatever I’ll find someone interesting enough, and I was like dude you gotta, and then some time later he was like staring at you? Like not in the creepy sense. Like we were hanging out and then we said bye and then he did a double take and then he was looking at you, like he recognized you, probably from when you were still spinning a