DAY6 takes the stage and the festival by storm and though they went up there unknown, they’re definitely leaving that stage with about a few hundred people remembering who they are. Being here in the mosh pit is doing things to my brain however, and the murky feeling is back. That sense of dread is back and I don’t know what to do about it.

Guilt stabs at me because even though I am genuinely happy for the band, I can’t help but feel displaced and alone even in the middle of a crowd. With my friends. It’s the worst thing, your brain telling you how excited and happy you should be but your body is slowly shutting down before your own eyes and you’re left watching yourself in some odd out of body experience. And then you feel nothing. You’re numb and empty on the inside and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Suddenly the world feels too bright and too loud and you just want to hide away.

“I saw that,” Jae says to me the moment we regroup at the festival grounds. He pulls me away from the rest of the band in that weird unspoken way where we automatically just lag behind because I know he has something to say.

“You saw nothing.” Yet I rewind the past couple of hours wondering what exactly Jae is insinuating he saw. It can be anything. Or it can be nothing. With Jae, I never know.

He tilts his head and his hair falls into his eyes. “I saw that look.”

“What look?” I can play this game forever. If only because I know it will annoy him.

He throws a pointed look at Sungjin, then at me. “I saw that.”

That. I never know what Jae means by that. To be fair, he likes being vague because he knows it’s the best way to catch someone off guard. But I was there when Namjoon taught him that trick so he should have known better than try using it on me. “Shouldn’t you be working on your vlog?”

He raises his phone. “I am working on my vlog. But right now I’m working on our fragile friendship. You know what we should do? We should go to the other side of the beach and take some establishing shots of the festival, what do you think?”

I laugh at fragile friendship. “We’re not separating from the group. That’s like Rule Number One. Honestly, Jae. I don’t think our friendship has been more solid than it is at this instant.”

“I appreciate that,” he says, “Truly, I do. You know I’m always here for you, right? Always and forever.”

A prickle hits the back of my ears. “What are you always-and-forevering on about? You’re making me nervous.”

“I mean it. I saw some food stalls over at the other side too. You hold the camera while I do the things. This is really important.”

“Okay. What is it? Just tell me.” This is ridiculous. Jae is never subtle, and when he tries it just makes it more obvious something’s the matter. He’s been acting weird all day.

“I was there, Kit.”

Kit. That’s new.

Jae pauses mid-step. “I was there at the hospital, remember?”

I can never forget.

“I was scared,” he says, his voice cracking at the surface. “I was scared for you. I’m still scared for you now. I know Sungjin’s nothing like that last dude, but what if this time it’s something else? Does Sungjin even know?”

“You really want to have this conversation now?” My eyes make a quick round of our surroundings. We’re in the middle of the beach, walking toward the stages for the start of the festival. Hundreds, if not thousands of people around us, all losing themselves in the heat and the music.

No, Sungjin doesn’t know. Or maybe he does. I never asked what else he’s found out through Professor Park.

He raises his arms in defeat. “When else can we have this conversation?”

“Not right now at this instant?” From the corner of my eye I see Sungjin looking at us from over his shoulder. They’ve gone ahead a couple of paces away but now he’s curious. I can’t look at him directly because it feels like acknowledging something is happening and Sungjin, being Sungjin, will swoop in and try to save the day.

“Hey, look.” And then there it is. Jae calls me by my first name, something he’s never done since he came to see me at the clinic when the nurse called him in. “He’s here.”

My head is spinning. “Who’s here?”