Jae is one of my best friends. One reason I have friends in the plural at all. I think this all the time and mean it though I never say it out loud. That being said, I'm not about to kiss and tell. Especially not when the other end of that kiss is his roommate, bandmate, and friend. Most especially when it’s the same guy Jae’s been setting me up with since forever. Sadly, there’s no avoiding Jae. So now we’re sitting together at the booth as always, this time waiting for Namjoon to bring in his special guest for tonight’s episode. Namjoon wouldn’t tell us who it is saying it'll ruin the surprise and all that, and we don’t need to worry about the program. We’re just sitting quietly, tiptoeing about each other because neither of us wants to be the first to bring up Sungjin.

Because it's weird.

I’m sure this is a thing that needs to be acknowledged, but at the same time I really don’t want to talk about it. I can convince myself there’s nothing to talk about but…who am I fooling? Jae keeps throwing glances at me, awkward, then impatient, then exasperated. I never thought I’d see the day Jae would ever think first before he spoke, but here we are now.

“Look,” he begins. “I know this is awkward.”

“That would be an understatement.”

“And weird,” he adds, “and I get that it’s your life but I am your friend and as your friend I would appreciate some form of early warning signal that such liaisons have been transpiring all this time without my knowledge.”

“None of that is a thing,” I answer, barely holding in my instinct to flee. I’m already sinking far too deep into my seat as it is.

“Were you or were you not making out with Sungjin at the club?”

I scoff at him. But that’s also partially because I have no words and nothing I say will make me look innocent of the insinuations he’s insinuating when there shouldn’t be any insinuations in the first place. “In my defense, I didn’t even know you knew each other. Any of you.”

“That is not an answer!”

“That’s not the point, you’re saying it like I can’t kiss whoever I like—“

“Of course, not. You can kiss whoever you want. I don’t own you. I am not your mother. And even if I were! You’re practically legal. You’re not a child. How could you possibly think that I of all people would restrict your freedom. Honestly, I am deeply offended.”

As am I, but I’m not sure why just yet. “Then what is your problem?”

“It’s not a problem, exactly. You’re just not giving me all the facts.”

“And what would you do with all these facts?”

“Be a better friend, for one thing,” he says with more force than I think he means. “I can’t be a good friend if you don’t let me.”

“I appreciate that,” I shoot back, my voice rising to match his. “What are we arguing about?”

“I don’t know,” he says pointedly. “Why am I still yelling.” He’s not, exactly. Not really. But his tone had been rather pointed.

“I don’t know how to talk about…stuff…” I admit. Not even to Ayeon and Huiryong who, for the most part, have given me the space I need to process the events of the other night first. As far as they’re concerned, the main issue is me being on stage again. Not…this. Which truth be told, is the only issue as far as I’m concerned. Something I cannot begin to imagine opening up to Ayeon and Huiryong about. How would I even start that conversation? So you know your ex-boyfriend Sungjin? Yeah…after my set at the club I kind of, sort of, kissed him because I really wanted to. Not an option. That’s ridiculous.

“I find it helpful to start from the beginning.”

I can’t breathe all of a sudden. “Take me out for chicken and beer after tonight’s episode.”

“We get off at six in the morning.”

“Are we doing this or not?”

Jae slaps his hand down the console. “Done and done.”

Namjoon arrives right on cue, and just when I think I’ve come to a breakthrough, the worst rises from the ashes. Joonyoung appears behind Namjoon, lanky as ever with a new haircut but the same old smirk on his face and same guitar strapped over his shoulder. Like someone suddenly hit pause and rewind, memories flash in my mind, highlights of the best and the worst, a montage of the past two years set to a score of cruel silence. If Joonyoung looks surprised to see me, he doesn’t show it. Meanwhile, I have been trying all night to disappear into my seat and not once has the universe given me a break.

Jae’s eyes dart over to my side before getting up to greet Joonyoung with his usual fanfare. Namjoon takes the seat opposite Jae, leaving Joonyoung across me. I keep my head down and let the rest of the introductions go over my head. Jae and Namjoon take over the interview with Joonyoung, making small talk and asking him questions about his music and how he feels about making it in the indie scene.

With my song.

“So talk to us about The Brightest Part of the Summer,” Namjoon begins. “This song really brings out a bone-deep sense of nostalgia about a halcyon past. It really gets to me.”

I lift my eyes just as Joonyoung averts his gaze from me. I'm curious as well and I make no secret of it. But if he’s affected by my presence, he displays no guilt or anything. Joonyoung smiles as if working on this particular song brought about good memories—it did, of course—but also that it brought nothing but anger and confusion after what he did.

“We all have that one summer, you know?” Joonyoung says, “where everything is just perfect. With this song, it really gives you a sense of freedom from all your worries and a sense of carefree abandon. It makes you feel in love, and sometimes for a love that hasn’t even happened yet.”

I didn’t write the song for Joonyoung, but I did write it with him in mind. I remember being filled with a sense of being away from my pathetic reality when I was with him. He always did make me feel like there’s another version of myself that’s just waiting for my life to be normal again.

“The song really does give off that vibe,” Namjoon answers, then turning to Jae he adds, “what do you think?”

Jae nods. “Yeah, there’s really this sense of familiarity in it, like, I don’t know about you guys but this song really feels like I know this person in a really intimate way—not like that kind of intimate I mean—just someone you’re really close to. Ah, it really gives a sense of longing too.”

How a