Sungjin and I have been meeting at Studio J for the better part of the week. Usually in the mornings when the rest of Day6 are still sleeping and/or at their part-time jobs. Suffice it to say, we haven’t made much progress in terms of songwriting. We also haven’t told anyone about the recent development between us. Especially not Jae. Or Huiryong. Because how again?

But we’re…something. Something that could be good. I can tell Sungjin wants to talk it out first, he’s always pausing in the middle of something, turning to me with that look on his face but eventually thinking against it and keeping quiet. Maybe I’ll bring it up myself. Just not right now.

“What would you write about?” I ask.

Sungjin is laying on the carpeted floor, his guitar on top of him. “Why are you asking me? It’s your song.”

I’m on the synths with my laptop plugged next to me. “Because you said you’d help me write a song, and that hasn’t happened yet.”

“Just write something. It doesn’t have to be perfect. You can’t perfect something that doesn’t exist.”

“See that’s the thing. Every time I attempt to write something, I just…get stuck.”

“No, you’re doing great,” he says, “you have to remember to be kind to yourself. Do that melody again, it sounds really good.”

For the past two days, I’ve been playing around a sketch, a melody not like what I usually write. It’s a lot less dancey. With more room for…feelings, I guess. I’m good with the music, but the words? They take more from me. Every word that I write feels like I bleed on the page. Here’s my soul, do with it what you will. Crush it, why don’t you?

“What’s got you stuck?”

“Like you’ve never gotten stuck before,” I shoot back, slowly getting frustrated at myself. I can tell as much, that it’s not really him or the work I’m annoyed at. It’s the shadow Joonyoung has left overhead. Made me feel like a damp firework.

“Well, if all else fails, love is always a universal theme. Write about love.”

“You think that people would have had enough of silly love songs…”

Sungjin strums and sings to the rest of the song though I didn’t sing the line. “But I look around me and I see it isn’t so.”

“Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.”

“And what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know.”

My eyes close instinctively as I hear him smiling through his singing, more so as he hums the rest of the lyrics and the melody of the Paul McCartney song I shouldn’t even be surprised he knows. Even if he hadn’t brought me to his little happy place, the fact that he hangs out with Jae would introduce him to songs beyond our time.

I take a deep breath. “The last time I wrote a full love song from the heart it got stolen from me and now this someone’s is claiming the song as his.”

Silence covers us like a suffocating cloud of smoke. I’ve never told anybody else about Joonyoung. Never imagined I ever would need to. My roommates were enough. Adding Jae to that was one too many. Sungjin shuffles uncomfortably on the floor, takes a sharp inhale of breath then lets it out slowly.

“That’s one of the things he did,” I continue, “but it’s the worst one. It actually hurts more than when I saw him kissing some other girl when I thought we had something. Now that I think about it, he could have been kissing other girls without me knowing about it but I guess I shouldn’t have assumed otherwise but you know…I’ll take the blame for that. It feels ridiculous because I always felt like I could handle more? But I guess I’ve been carrying so much sadness and just when I thought I could lean on him that’s when he does the one thing that causes it all to crash down. Did you know I used to DJ at clubs?”

“I know you did,” he answers softly, with just a touch of restrained anger. 

“You do?”

“You were the highlight in last year’s university summer festival. And then you just disappeared.”

“I did. Wait…what else do you know?”

“Just that you’re Jae’s friend and he talks about you a lot. Small stuff, like how you’re probably the unfunniest person he knows and that you have the best taste in music and you’re a really good friend when you’re not stuck inside your head.”

The sound that comes out of my mouth is a strangled squeak. I’m sure this will all make sense in the future, but right now my life is flashing before my eyes. I trust Jae enough not to tell anyone about the details of my life not meant to be shared, but it’s always the little things that are far more telling. I’m more embarrassed than anything else.

“Are you still there?” he asks.

I choke out a “Yes.”

“Talk to me, please. Don’t leave me out when you go into your head like that.”

“I just didn’t think Jae would say something like that about me.”

“You need to give yourself more credit. You’re a nice person when you’re not in a bad mood.”

And I’ve been in a terrible mood for so long. “Thank you for being patient with me.”

“Oh, trust me. It wasn’t easy. You’re lucky I trust Jae when it comes to you.”

“I don’t know how to feel about you two having conversations about me.” Partly because Jae has a tendency toward hyperbole and partly because this means Jae has Sungjin’s version of…whatever we are and I haven’t given my side of the story yet.

“Well, you know Jae. I think that’s enough context.”

I’m tempted to join him on the fl