Mr. Accountant and I don’t really talk. And I don’t do anything silly like cry, though I am on the verge of a panic attack. But I don’t, and I’m relieved to have this much control over myself. I already feel so silly. Because just a little push and I would have lost all control and allowed myself to…to what?

Let Sungjin in?

In the first place, I don’t even know for sure how to even associate Sungjin and I in the same sentence. For one, he’s just being nice. To me. To everyone, it seems. If there’s any verisimilitude to my impression of him, then he’s the kind of guy people call for help. And what I saw is just another example of Sungjin coming to the rescue. I’m not special.

So when Sungjin sends a text asking if I got to the party okay, I don’t respond. From now on, our relationship would be professional. He’s my TA after all, and there are rules about this.

Besides, what would Sungjin like about me?

He’s the complete opposite of Joonyoung. For one thing, Sungjin smiles all the time. He likes to be outside and be around other people. He probably likes babies and furry animals too. There’s a whole life and history to him that I can’t breach at this point. We probably don’t even have that much in common. What would we even do together? He’d probably want to bike along the river and I’d rather stay inside the studio and mix songs.

Although, Huiryong had once commented that there is no way I’d find a guy just like me because both of us would never our leave our respective rooms, but that’s besides the point.

Sungjin is probably better off with girls like Huiryong. Pretty. Assertive. The kind of girl who knows what she wants and gets it all while looking like she’s about to walk down the red carpet.

What would Sungjin want with me? I’m scared of everything. By now he must know I’m crazy, but even then all he sees is the very tip of the iceberg of my crazy. Beneath the ice cold veneer that I work on everyday, I’m just a natural disaster waiting to happen. And not even the good kind.

Mr. Accountant starts collecting his trash and, just before he slides down his seat, turns to me, nods, wishes me luck, and leaves. I do the same after he’s left the shop.

***

On Sunday, Eric takes the Sweg Crew out for barbecue dinner. I can’t tell if it’s for a job well done or to give us a hefty scolding. But free food is good food. Always.

I sit in the corner of the booth, next to Jamie who’s sitting next to Jae, and across Namjoon who’s sitting next to Jackson. Eric is on the other end, giving our orders to the nice middle-aged lady who came to take them.

“Does anyone know why we’re here?” Jackson whispers. It’s a stage whisper because subtlety is not one of Jackson’s strengths. I don’t even think it’s present in his DNA.

“Does there have to be a reason?” Namjoon answers. “We haven’t gone out like this in a while.”

“I don’t know,” Jackson says nervously.

“Why?” Jamie narrows her eyes at Jackson. “Did you do something to get us in trouble?”

Jackson gasps. “Of course not! I haven’t done anything!”

“That you know of,” Jae retorts. “You might think you didn’t do anything but are just, in fact, unaware of your crimes.”

“You know I can hear you, right?” Eric deadpans. “I’m sitting right next to you, Jackson.”

Jae snickers behind his fist.

“And no,” Eric says, emphasizing the no. “You’re not in trouble. I’m supposed to check on you every once in a  while. Tell me what’s going in your show.”

I feel like it’s a direct hit on me, what with my recent deviance, but Eric doesn’t even look at me. Not really. He’s looking at no one in particular, smiling to himself and waiting for someone to speak up first. Naturally, that won’t be me.

“Not much,” Namjoon says. “Same old. We’ve been getting more listeners, though.”

A lie. There’s no real way to tell. By this, I guess Namjoon just means we’ve been getting more people online with us. I’ve noticed this, too. When Namjoon isn’t giving out advice or commentary, he’s been playing his mixtape and the response is beyond expectation. Jae’s been doing live covers recently as well. And Jae and Jamie have moved on to Talk Show format when they’re on air together. Jackson always has listeners, and for the last few weeks his live video feed is him taking on increasingly crazy dares.

“That’s good,” Eric says. “Have you guys thought about doing a show all together?”

Jackson perks up. “Oh! Yeah! You know I’ve been trying to get them to do that!”

“Yeah but what will we do? Just the same usual stuff?” Jamie asks. “We can’t just do something like a talk show and not make it interesting. It’s the middle of the night.”

“We could,” Jae answers. “With the right guests?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Namjoon says. “Midterms are coming up. More people are gonna stay up longer. We can keep them awake.”

My phone buzzes in my pocket again, but I don’t check. Sungjin called this morning but I didn’t pick up. Instead, I sent him a text saying I already finished the song for Tuesday and we didn’t need to meet up today to work on it. A few seconds after I sent that text, my phone started ringing again. I ignored it.

But I can't avoid him forever. At least not for the rest of the semester. I still have to see him in class. I keep thinking now, if I hadn’t gone to the bowling alley…if I didn’t see Sungjin being Sungjin…him calling me like this would have me thinking all sorts of ridiculous ideas.

“You should really get that,” Jamie says to me, nodding at the incessant buzzing inside my pocket.

“It’s fine,” I answer.

“Just saying.” She shrugs. “Sounds like they really want to talk to you.”

“We can talk later.”

Our food arrives somewhere between Jackson’s suggestions and Namjoon’s refutes. They dig in, shameless. I push my spoon around my stew, picking out tofu and cucumber bits. Other than with my roommates, I’m not too comfortable eating out with other people. Though I like to think I’m getting better at it.

“So how do you guys feel about summer rock fests?” Eric asks.

Jae takes the first shot at this one. “In what context?”

Eric puts down his chopsticks and smiles enigmatically at us. “As in how do you guys feel about covering the event for the station?”

“Isn’t that a job for primetime?” Jamie asks. It’s a job for anyone else but us.

“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking about expanding your reach since people seem to like you. For some reason.”

“Hey! We’re awesome people,” Jackson shoots back. “But yeah! Rock on.”

“You don’t even listen to rock,” Namjoon chides.

“Yeah, I do!” Jackson exclaims. “Just maybe not as much, but I do!”

“Let’s do it,” Jae says over the bickering.

Jamie is just rolling her eyes. To me, she says, “I really don’t think us going on a bunch of rock festivals will be doing the world a favor.”

I shrug. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing