Jae won’t stop texting me and complaining about how awful the music is at this party he’s at.

It’s the end of the semester, finally. Officially. Somehow I’ve managed to survive, but only just. I showed up for finals and made most of my deadlines. Most of them. I knew I wouldn’t be getting a decent song out of me while my head wasn’t on right so I put it off until the muses came to me. They never did. I’ll just have to fail Songwriting if I don’t get my demo done tonight. Showing up for the class felt like such a chore, I skipped the last few meetings. I didn’t want Professor Park asking about my demo, and I didn’t really want to see Sungjin either. Besides, I’m sure he’s found some other girl to help him with his homework anyway.

I try not to text Jae back. Easier than usual. I couldn’t think of anything to say anyway. If he really couldn’t stand the music, he could always just take over himself. It’s not like he hasn’t done it before or that he didn’t have the capacity to just go to wherever the music was coming from and tinker himself.

“My head is literally going to explode if I have to hear this song one more time. Literally.”

That is not likely to happen so I ignore the text. Jae is just getting me to show up at this party for one reason or another. I know I said I wish they invited me out more, but bad music isn’t exactly enticing. He’s probably at Jackson’s. Seems like there’s a party there every week.

My phone chimes with another message. With a photo this time.

“Everyone’s here!”

Attached is a picture of the whole Sweg Crew without me. Jae is making a face, and his favorite tortoiseshell glasses are askew on his face. He’s holding up his phone, hence the terrible angle because to this day he has no idea how to work his front camera, and Jamie, Jackson, and Namjoon are in various spots squeezing their faces into the frame. Each of them making an expression more ridiculous than the person next to them.

“Come on! We’ll wait for you. We didn’t ditch radio for nothing!”

“Kidding. We told Eric. He said OK.”

Okay, admittedly this makes me want to show up just for fun. Which is the point, isn’t it? Fun?

I like them enough, but I don’t like parties. I like playing for parties, but that’s because DJ-ing doesn’t really involve me interacting with anyone. All I have to do is control the crowd from behind the console and make sure everyone’s dancing and having fun. No talking required. No mingling.

But it’s starting to feel like I’m the only person in this building right now. Which is ridiculous because this isn’t a college residence and there are families who live here and people who, like me, prefer to stay in on a Friday night. Because a Friday that just happens to be the last day of the semester is only relevant to a college student. Ayeon and Huiryong are away—something about the both of them having events, those two always working at an event how do they do it? So I’m all alone. Again.

I should probably text Jae back now. Before he gets antsy and starts sending music clips of this awful party. Even if they look like they’re having fun. It’s been so long since I went out with them. With anyone.

But these songs aren’t going to write themselves.

See, this would be easier if I didn’t think about Sungjin at random times. Sure, I guess I don’t have to wait for him to make the first move. After all, when you look at it from a certain perspective, I did leave first. I’m the one who ran out. It’s not like it was just a kiss. It was a good one, something that felt like a prelude to an even better one if we were both properly awake. I spent the night with him. Studying, sure. But I spent the entire night and stayed awake for him. I slept with him. Never mind that it was sleep, literally in the most innocent way there is. And I still left. If he left before me, I’d have felt rejected.

Even after sleeping so perfectly all tangled up and warm.

Everything about Sungjin was warm and steady. It made everyone else look cold and wobbly. I think about Sungjin in comparison to Jae, and Jae is just loose in the joints like he didn't put effort into standing up whereas Sungjin looks like he’s the ruler people measure up to determine what vertical is. Young K seems glacial now, all sharp and icy next to Sungjin. Wonpil would be too much light and energy always giving wide smiles. I hate that Sungjin is so easy to smile at people too, so easy to talk to, everyone’s talking to him and smiling at him. And Dowoon…well I won’t really know because I don’t really know Dowoon that well.

What if I didn’t wake up first? Would Sungjin have left or would he have held me until I woke up? And when we did wake up, would it be awkward? Would he just laugh it off? I don’t know what’s worse. Freak out because it’s a big deal or pretend like it’s not a big deal? Would he have kissed me again? Or is it something we just file away as if it never even happened?

I stare at my song progress and will it to move forward. I’ve been working on it for two hours now, but other than the drums and a bit of synths, it’s all I have. I don’t even have a melody yet, much less lyrics.

And what’s the point of composing anyway? Not after someone else takes credit for all the work I’ve done. It just all feels so pointless now.

I shut my laptop and get up. And see myself on the full length mirror.

At least I look like a person?

I’m not the Cool One like Huiryong or the Cute One like Ayeon. I’m just me. A little lanky, and with both soft and sharp parts that are not quite enough to match whatever the standard is these days. Instead of wearing a pastel dress or a skin-tight jeans and a midriff, I’m in old lady pants and a hoodie. I don’t look like I’m about to go to a party. I don’t look like I’m about to go anywhere.

I double back into my room and dig into my closet. In principle, I always understood the panic of having to choose something to wear. Ayeon and Huiryong often had emergency meetings deciding on what outfit was appropriate where. A certain look said “Just going out, no big deal” and another said “Yes, I’m going to a party” or “I have a hot date tonight” and apparently all mine says is “Don’t talk to me I’m cold”.

Diving into my closet, I look for clothes that are somewhere in between Ayeon and Huiryong and somewhere in the range of “I’m going to a party but I don’t want to look too prepared”

Eventually I find a good pair of black skinny jeans that had rips that look like they were meant to be there and a deep red v-neck shirt that doesn’t fit like it’s two sizes too big. It hangs on me alright, I think. Like there’s an actual human female body underneath and I’m not a clothes hanger. I smooth down my short hair as I look for a tube of lip stain and mascara. After putting on a face, sort of, kind of, I check myself in the mirror.

Now I look like a person.

With one hand, I tuck my billfold and keys into my pocket while I text Jae with the other. “Where’s this awful party you're at?”

Without waiting for a response, I step out into my white sneakers and the door. Sehun, my neighbour, is stepping outside their door at the same time as I am. “Did you get iled again?” I ask.

“Party,” he grunts. “I’m bored.”

“Where to?” I ask, checking my phone and reading Jae’s text.

“Mark Tuan’s.”

“Huh. That’s where I’m headed.” And now I have an instant buddy to get to and from this party.

“Well, that makes me feel less pathetic. Let’s go.”

***

It’s almost eleven when we get to Mark Tuan’s house, but it looks like the party is just getting started because we hear the music and we’re not even through the door yet. Mark Tuan’s house is exactly like the rumors go. It’s huge, with a wide gate and a winding driveway—it’s more of a mansion than a house.

My stomach twists painfully as I follow Sehun into the house. It’s almost like it’s realized what’s about to happen here and is giving me all the signs I need to back out. People. I’m going to be around new and strange people.

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