This is a pretty damn miserable chapter, just warning you.

I felt used, dirty, disgusting. Somehow, I managed to drag myself home. Everything hurt so much. I stumbled up to my apartment door and with a trembling hand, slid the key into the lock. I collapsed onto the wooden floor of my hallway as soon as the door shut behind me. I let a sob catch in my throat before it slipped past my lips. Hiccupping cries and violent gulps for air were the only sounds that filled my apartment.
 
I had to shower; I had to get his scent off of me. I felt his touch on my leg and I shivered, shuffling into the bathroom. The water was still cold but I crawled in, still fully dressed. My trousers stuck to my ankles and I shivered under the cold feeling. I scrubbed and scrubbed. Everywhere but the feeling of uncleanness wouldn’t leave.
 
The skin on my hands went red as I rubbed away some of the skin at my hard efforts. With a shaking hand, I pulled my trousers off and rubbed at my thighs. The Inhale and Exhale reminded me to breathe and I did – in short bouts and gasps. But the pain wouldn’t go, my arms hurt, my hips hurt, my back hurt.

I ripped my shirt off and saw the finger shaped bruises that were appearing on my hips. I needed someone to hold me right now, but I couldn’t let anybody know why I was in this state. They would be disgusted in me, turn me away. I stopped scrubbing and pulled my knees to my chest. My breathing slowly calmed down until I was completely still. My chin trembled against my knees and I just stared at the running water.

How was I supposed to go out to the world and act like nothing had just happened? I couldn’t do that. I felt his hands all over me, touching me, hitting me – a shudder ran through me and I looked at the tiny razor that sat on the overhang just above my arm. I remembered his face when he was finished, smug and satisfied, looking down at my body on the studio floor. He had laughed – ing laughed and just left me there.

I picked up the razor in my hand. “Save me.” I whimpered, pulling it across. “Please, anyone – save me.” I pulled it across again. “I can’t do this on my own. Save me.” Again the blade pushed in. I wanted to end it, oh I wanted to end it so badly, everything – I just wanted to rest. But Seungri’s worried face came to mind, then Dami’s and I just dropped the blade and burst into tears once again.

“Why won’t anybody save me?” I sobbed; the blood ran down my arm and into the shower tray. I let it flow away, just like I wished I could. I felt so dirty, so…polluted. I shivered and huddled up again.

I soon felt dizzy as I hadn’t stopped the blood flow from my arm, and so I turned the shower off and wiped away the blood. My back hurt so much and I held th