Everybody was creeping around me and I hated it. Only daesung treated me like he usually did, but then daesung was gentle with whatever he did. He didn't need to try. It was Seungri that bothered me the most, he didn't know what was going on anyway so why did he have to act different. I tried to refrain myself from talking to him and Youngbae since they had confronted me about the bruises and luckily neither of them had brought it up.

Weeks passed since the toilet incident and although I hadn't been bothered by my manager since then, the small collection of scars on my arms had grown. I had heard of people doing that to themselves yet I had never thought it would help as much as it did. My worst fear was that somebody would see them. So I wore long sleeves all the time and covered them in concealer.

Flashback to 14 years-old JiYong.  

The tiny apartment was freezing when we got back from the dance studio. Youngbae and I shared a room and manager hyung had his own room. A few other staff members had rooms in the apartment next door. Youngbae had decided to stay with his dance coach and get the routine nailed. I had always been smaller than Youngbae and I got exhausted more easily therefore manager hyung had offered me a lift home.

I sat at the small table in the even smaller kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. Hyungs phone rang and he picked it up with a frown. I propped my head on my hand and watched with furrowed eyebrows. The conversation got worse and worse until he started shouting. I flinched at the noise. Suddenly, he threw the phone at the sofa. His face was red with anger. I didn't know what to do so I slid off the chair and approached him warily.

“Hyung?” I asked quietly, I reached out and touched his arm “What's wrong?” he spun around and pushed me backwards. My eyes widened as I fell into the table. His gaze darkened when he saw me in the vulnerable position. “ing !” he shouted, landing a kick to my side. I curled up, confused at what was happening. “Hyung” I cried.

He grabbed my hair and pulled me up into a standing position. I screamed, it felt like my scalp was being ripped out. The look in my managers eyes was nothing I had ever seen in him before. It was pure rage.

“Please hyung, please let me go.” I begged. He just carried on kicking me and insulting me for a reason that I didn't understand. It was fifteen minutes later and he finally stopped. I was wailing on the kitchen floor, I had never been in so much pain. He was breathing heavily as he looked down at me. Then he spun around and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. So, wincing, I pulled myself off of the floor and dragged myself to my room. The bruises were already beginning to show and rich purple was spreading itself across my rib cage. I pulled my pajamas on and fell onto the this mattress that Youngbae and I shared. I was still crying, my whole body ached and the hard floor wasn't helping.

Youngbae got back an hour and a half later. I was curled under the woolen blanket still sobbing quietly to myself. He shuffled around in the dark, getting changed and then the blanket lifted so I assumed he was in bed now. I was trying to keep the crying to as low a noise as possible. It was so cold. The windows were shut and all the airvents had been stuffed with fabric to stop the draft. Youngbae hugged me from behind and I felt him shiver against me.

He immediately knew I was awake when I tensed and I felt his breath on my neck as he leaned over. “Hey, JiYong? You okay?” I just nodded and rolled over until my face was buried into his neck. His hands found my hair and he held me to his chest as I cried softly. “What's the matter?” he asked kindly, smoothing my hair back. I just shook my head and cried my soul out to my best friend. He just hugged me and let me cry it out.

Back to present.

I should have told Youngbae that night, I should have told someone, anyone. But I kept silent about it. I let it carry on for years. I sighed and rolled over in my bed. It was late morning and we were in Hong Kong for the MAMA awards. It was always such a long awards ceremony and I was half dreading it, half looking forward to it. I was excited to get an award for the things I had worked so hard to c