Trigger warning

It had been an hour since he’d left. The cold water from the shower beat down on my shoulders as I sat huddled in the shower tray. My knees were tucked up to my chest and my arms we wrapped around them securely. I was shaking, I was crying, my hands were trembling as I tried to wipe the tears away.
 
It was all too much; I had bottled it up for so long. I was doing something I promised myself never to do. The razor lay next to me on the floor and I picked it up in a quivering hand. I brought it to the smooth underside of my wrist.

It hurt so much yet I sighed with relief. Again and again, I pulled it across the white skin of my wrist. The blood flowed down the drain and washed away in a pink stream. I sat their and cried at my life, I was pathetic, so pathetic. The blood pooled at the cuts again and I washed it under the shower once more.

 
I dragged myself to the faucet and washed my wrist under it before wrapping it in loo roll. My aching body collapsed onto the bed and I buried my face into the pillow before crying some more. I can’t believe it had come to that. I had promised myself never to that, I clenched my fists and looked at the make shift bandages that hid my self mutilation.

I pulled my duvet across my body and buried myself in the sheets yet sleep wouldn’t come. I lay awake for most of the night and my wrist stung as the bandages rubbed against it. My body was aching and I didn’t have the energy to find pain killers. We had a studio session with Winner today and I knew I couldn’t miss it.
 
So when the clock hand finally got round to the six, I lugged my body out of the warm bed and wandered over to my cupboard. I pulled on a pair of mom style jeans and a baggy t-shirt that actually belonged to Seungri when he had stayed over last. I had to hide my arms so I flung a baggy roll neck sweater on top of the shirt and left my bedroom.
 
I finally made my way to the medicine cupboard and swallowed two ibuprofens down before pulling a beanie over my messy hair and my signature Chanel glasses. My arm stung and I lifted the sleeve of my jumper to see that the cuts had bled through the tissue paper.
 
In the end, I managed to wrap them up in real bandage and I had thrown the other tissues away. I didn’t want anybody to wander what was wrong with my arm and I tucked the sleeve end of my sweater all the way around my hand. I was tired and I looked like but I couldn’t be bothered to wear makeup, I just had no energy to apply foundation.
 
It was nearly eight and I decided that it was an appropriate time to go to the studio. I hadn’t got a wink of sleep and I had spent most of the night crying and thinking about what I had done. I was ashamed of myself, it had made me feel slightly better, that was what disturbed me – it was like the mental pain had lessened, by harming myself, it helped the pain others inflicted on me lessen.
 
I drove the Lamborghini to the building. The receptionists had just arrived and I bowed slightly before running through to the cafeteria. The ladies were making the food and I asked for a coffee which they supplied quickly, I would need it to get through the day.
 
Nobody was here yet, I doubted that even the president himself was here but I walked into the studio anyway. It was still dark and I switched the light on before dropping my bag onto the floor. We were supposed to meet at nine o’clock so I had another half an hour before anybody was due to arrive. After logging onto the computer, I selected the files we were supposed to be working on today.
 
It wasn’t fifteen minutes later that the studio door opened and Seungri poked his head through. “Hey” he greeted, walking over to me. I gave him a side nod before turning back to the screen. Seungri picked my coffee cup up and took a sip before placing it back next to me on the table. I clicked away and Seungri sat on the desk, scrolling through his phone.
 
My hand found its way to his thigh and I squeezed it softly, still concentrating on my work. Seungri hummed at the motion and carried on looking down at his phone. A few minutes later, Taehyun from Winner appeared in the doorway and he greeted us kindly before plopping down on the sofa next to the Janet Jackson poster.

I took my hand off Seungri’s thigh and returned it to the keyboard. “Are the others arriving soon?” Seungri asked.
 
“Neh, they’re all in the cafeteria at the moment, I ate before I left but they should be here in a second.” No sooner had he said it, the door was flung open and the rest of Winner entered with Youngbae in the rear. They greeted us warmly and I did the same before turning back to the screen.
 
They were chatting amongst themselves and Seungri went over to join them so I was left by myself in the corner. I was boiling in the jumper I was wearing but I knew I couldn’t take it off or they would see. In the future – I decided- I would put concealer over them when they had closed up. In the future. It scared me that I had said that, was I going to do it again, did I want too…did I need to?
 
I shuddered to myself and carried on with the work I was doing. After a while, everybody had settled down and we started actually working. I played them the demo I had recorded and they listened to it eagerly. Daesung and Seunghyun walked in both carrying their breakfast on trays. Youngbae snorted at them and I rolled my eyes at their laziness.
 
“Woah, it sounds good hyung!” Daesung laughed, sitting on the chair next to mine. I nodded in thanks and looked around for everybody else’s thoughts. “It’s amazing.” Seunghoon gushed.
 
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