I finally gave in to the temptation and relapsed. Seungri was out with friends I had awoken from a nightmare, alone and miserable. After juggling with my dark thoughts, I had done the only thing I knew helped the voices go away.

And so here I was, crouched over the bathroom sink, pulling a razor across my wrist again and again. The blood had splattered across the top of the sink and I grimaced as the pain spread across my arm. I sunk to my knees eventually and surveyed the cuts before letting out a sob and throwing the razor across the room. It bounced off the shower door and rested at my feet. The blood dripped down my arm and onto the floor making it look like some type of murder scene.

“” I cursed, crawling to the shower and pulling the handle to turn it on. The cold water hit my back and I gasped in shock. The water was pink as it whirled away down the drain and I let the blood wash away.

My pajamas stuck to my arms and legs, sodding wet, my hair stuck to my forehead and I slowly let myself go.

“JiYong!?” it was Seungri and I heard the door to my bedroom open. . I stood up on shaky feet, cursing myself for having not shut the door.  I leapt towards the doorway in an attempt to close it when Seungri appeared. He took in my soaking form and his eyes widened. I looked down to see blood pooling at my cuts again. His eyes followed my gaze and he dropped the bag he was holding. His face crumpled.

“JiYong?” He stammered and I saw tears building up behind those big brown eyes. I hid my arm behind my back and carefully side stepped in front of the blood splattered sink.

But I couldn't answer him, I was too mortified. “JiYong please, what is going on?” he spluttered. I felt blood drip down my hand and onto the floor.

“Oh baby” Seungri whispered, suddenly rushing over to me. He cradled my arm and guided me over to the tub where he placed my hand under the running warm water. His gaze caught the bloody sink and I saw sadness wash over his usually bright countenance. I cringed as he got the medical kit out from under the sink cupboard and unwrapped the bandage from its plastic cover. When my cuts were covered up, he helped me out of my wet clothes. I hated my body. The burn marks from the various cigarettes my manager had put out on me littered my chest and back, and, although the bruises were fading, scars still remained from severe beatings. I shuddered when Seungri’s hand traced one of the scars.

“You're beautiful JiYong, don't you dare think otherwise” my head snapped up when his lips pressed against a scar from when my manager had smashed a wine bottle against my back. I shivered under the touch. His kiss moved up my neck until he reached my jaw line. I shivered when his breath hit the area his lips had just been on.

And then his kisses moved along my jawline, his breath hot against my skin. I shuddered when his lips finally found mine. And with every kind word he whispered, I felt a piece of me heal, a small bad memory being erased and replaced with his words.

When he pulled back, I saw such adoration in his eyes that I smiled, forgetting the blood splattered sink, the scars on my arms, the reason I was soaking wet, I only saw him. His strength ebbed into me and for the first time, I wanted to heal, I wanted to be myself again but I realised, I didn't even know who myself was.

“Let's get you dressed” Seungri said softly, helping me to my feet and guiding me to the bedroom. He pulled a fresh long sleeved shirt out of the drawer and a pair f checkered pajama pants.

“Ai misses you” Seungri said suddenly and I realised that I hadn't visited my cat once since I had given her to my sister to look after. With my head bowed, I shrugged and looked at the opposite wall. “So why did you do it, Ji?” I should have know this was coming. I shrugged again.

“I need to know if you want me to help”

“That's what I have a therapist for” I muttered, realising that I had missed this weeks appointment. YG had insisted that I went to see somebody about my trauma and I was reluctant, I hated sharing personal things with people I barely knew.

“Yes, but you should tell me these things too” I no