It took a long while before I felt comfortable in my own skin again. The only person I could bare to see my shirtless was Seungri, he was the one who slowly healed me. When we lay wrapped in each others arms at night he would slowly trace my scars and tell me that I was beautiful no matter how many of them I had on my body. 

Seungri slowly helped me gain weight until I was finally back at the healthy norm, my self harming stopped eventually even if I still did get urges. But no matter how much Seungri kissed my scars and told me they were beautiful, I still hated every single one, they brought with them, a reminder of the dark years of my life. 

And the fans were so supportive, I had deleted my instagram and twitter to stop myself getting distracted. But whenever I went outside, whether to the shop or to the studio, people would come up to me and tell me how proud they were, and that meant a lot. 

Rumours started getting out about Seungri and I. We were papped holding hands on the way to the shop. The YG family already knew as they had seen us kissing at the dinner. It wasn't until somebody saw us cuddling at a club that suspicions increased. But YG did nothing, he said it was up to us what we did, as long as we didn't release a tape. We had both laughed at the idea. 

So with YGs consent, we became more affectionate in public. Holding hands became arms wrapped around waist, arms wrapped around the waist became kisses on the cheek, kisses on the cheek became pecks on the lips and after that we were filmed fully making out at a club and then everybody knew. YG had no comment for the media and I revelled in everybody's shock. 

It wasn't until I was at the YG gym that all my old insecurities from months before returned. I still didn't let anybody see me without a shirt except Seungri. I had finished working out, it was six am so I figured nobody would be there. As I pulled my boxers on after a shower, the door opened and I froze. Jinhwan and Hanbin from ikon hastily greeted me but it died on their lips and their eyes grazed my body. I felt so exposed and I leapt over to my shirt which was on the other side of the room and pulled it hastily over my head. I heard their sharp intake of breath when they saw my back and I shrugged the shirt lower before being quickly and basically running away. But I stopped outside the door to listen. 

“ing hell, Jinhwan, did you see his back?” I cringed. 

“That manager deserves to go to hell” Jinhwan uttered angrily. I paced away and came to the studio. Youngbae was there and I automatically sought comfort in my best friend’s arms. He saw I was upset and didn’t ask, which relieved me greatly, he just hugged me until I let go myself.

“You okay?” he asked kindly and I nodded gratefully.

“I’m sorry” I whispered.

“Don’t worry about it Ji, I’m here whenever you need me you know that” he smiled sweetly and I wiped my tears away before squeezing his hand and sitting in the studio chair, I was so done with crying.

The others arrived except Seungri who was in Taiwan on holiday and we started on the test tracks. I was staying in my apartment by myself for the first time since my suicide attempt and Seungri kept calling me to check I was alright. I had been to my therapy session yesterday night and slowly I was finding it easier to open up to the lady. Seungri had been gone for a week now and I was missing him so badly, I just hated sleeping in an empty bed and not having anybody to wake up to, I still had nightmares and usually Seungri would comfort me when I woke up crying from the horrible dreams.

I sent everybody home early, around six, I knew how tired they all were with the attention BigBang was getting because of me. I waved them all off and got in the car from YG to home. I cooked myself a quick ready made meal and gulped it down before dialling Seungri’s number on face time and waiting for him to reply. We had agreed to talk on face time every other day. He picked up after a few seconds.

“Baby!” his face was super close to the screen and I giggled slightly before pulling back away from the screen.

“Hey” I smiled, falling back onto the bed.

“How are you feeling?” he asked with a small smile.

“Tired, we were at the studio all day and I just ate, how about you? How’s your holiday going?”

“It’s amazing, so hot I swear and the hotels are extra posh” I grinned at his excitedness. “But I miss you, baby” I lowered my eyes bashfully.

“I definitely miss you more” he shook his head.

“Two and a half more weeks” he chanted softy. I lay lengthways on the bed on my stomach and held the phone super near my face. He nattered on about his day happily and I listened with equal enthusiasm. His voice just brightened my day.

The two weeks passed excruciatingly slowly and eventually it came to the Wednesday evening that Seungri was coming home. I got out of bed for the first time that day and pulled a pair of baggy felt pants and a long sleeved shirt. I took my less inconspicuous car and drove to the airport which was stressful in itself, the traffic was awful and it was lucky I left super early to go pick him up. I arrived fifteen minutes before his flight was