“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance." - John Lennon

The audience cheered and gave them a round of applause when the play ended. The actors held hands with Himchan standing in the middle before he counted to three and bowed together with his troops. When he scanned the audience, he could see his parents waving at him and his sister taking his picture. He smiled at them and waved back. He then moved on to the other side and even strained his eyes to look at the back of the seating area, looking for someone particular.

Yongguk wasn’t there.

He didn’t come to watch the play.

Himchan felt a weight on his chest but he swallowed it all and ignored it.

-

A week passed by.

Himchan celebrated Christmas with his family. His sister knitted him a scarf and his mother made him a sweater—he swore they’d planned it beforehand. His father gave him a box of encyclopaedia, claiming that Himchan would need it when he got bored. Himchan couldn’t argue with that. He always tried to find something to read about whenever he was bored. His father had given him the perfect gift.

The final exam resumed after New Year and Himchan did his best to excel. He’d handed in his thesis and prayed that this time he’d done a great job. In the end he’d settled everything university related.  All he had to do was wait for Spring to arrive and attend the graduation day.

Something felt off though. The weight on his chest was still there, lingering like a ghost.

Yongguk hadn’t called or texted him.

He kept checking his phone and waited for Yongguk to maybe come by at his house but he never did.

It was like he had disappeared. Or maybe he was really upset by what Himchan said to him that in the end, he didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Himchan didn’t know what to do. He had tried texting Yongguk but he was too scared to do it. The gap between them had suddenly increased drastically after the fight. It was like they’d become complete strangers. The need to talk Yongguk was there but Himchan was a coward. He had no courage to apologize or make a move to talk to him. This time it wasn’t his ego holding him back. It was the fear of Yongguk breaking off their friendship.

“Is something wrong, honey?” Mrs Kim asked her son when she noticed him poking at his food instead of eating it.

Himchan stopped what he was doing and raised his head to look at his mother before he shook his head slowly.

“Are you sick? You’ve been really quiet these past few days.” Mrs Kim pressed the back of her hand to Himchan’s forehead and hummed in wonder. She then tilted her head sideways and pursed her lips. “Or did something happen?”

“It’s…nothing, mom.” Himchan answered.

“I haven’t seen Yongguk around for a while now. You should bring him here to join us for dinner next time.”

At the mention of his friend’s name, Himchan stiffened visibly. Mrs Kim sat down next to him at the dining table and brushed his bangs off his forehead.

“Did you have a fight with Yongguk?”

Himchan felt his throat tighten. When he turned to his mother, he could see her looking at him with pure concern swimming in her eyes. He swallowed and covered his face with his hands, elbows resting on the table.

“I said things that I shouldn’t have said to Yongguk and I ended up hurting his feelings. I didn’t apologize because I was too angry and stressed out at the time. I know shouldn’t have done that to him because all he did was being the most amazing friend I’ve ever had. I ruined everything and it’s all my fault.”

Himchan felt helpless. It was like he was a kid again. He was clueless about life and he was lost, trudging down the road of unknown. He didn’t know the right way and he needed someone to guide him. Right now he could only turn to his mother.

“I don’t know what to do, mom. What should I do?”

“Apologize,” Mrs Kim simply answered. “It’s never too late, honey.”

-

When Himchan went to Yongguk’s house, he stalled in front of the door for a long time instead of ringing the bell right away. He had so many things to say and he wanted to apologize but he was scared to face him. He was afraid that Yongguk wouldn’t answer the door and most of all he was afraid that Yongguk didn’t want to see him anymore after what he said to him. He could feel his heart palpitating violently against his chest. When he lifted a hand to push at the doorbell, he could see that his hand was shaking. He bit on his bottom lip to fight off the nervousness.

There was a moment of silence after he pushed the button. He could faintly listen to the bell ringing within the house.

And soon enough, he could hear footsteps coming from inside. The door opened and he was met with an unfamiliar face instead of Yongguk’s. It was a long-limbed teenage boy who answered the door. It took Himchan a few seconds before he recognized that the boy was Yongguk’s brother. He recalled Yongguk telling him about his brother a few times.

“Oh, aren’t you Junhong?”

The boy blinked a few times and then nodded. “Yes?”

“Uh…is Yongguk home?”

“Yongguk hyung?” the boy straightened himself and scratched at his head, looking confused. “He’s not here. He went to the hospital.”

“Oh, I thought he only volunteered at night today.” Himchan said.

Once again Junhong gave him a confused look. “No, I meant Yongguk hyung went to the hospital because he’s sick. He’s out of town. Our parents went with him two days ago. Didn’t he tell you about this?”

Himchan stared dumbly at Junhong long enough for the boy to feel uneasy. He tried to see whether the boy was joking but there was no trace of teasing or whatsoever on the boy’s face.

“Yongguk is…sick?”

“Yeah.”

Himchan felt his heart stop beating for a moment.

“Can you give me the hospital address?”

-

Himchan thought he’d gone crazy. He had never done something like this before. He was not one to make harsh decision when it came to important matters but here he was, queuing up at the counter to buy the bus ticket to Ulsan. Junhong had told him that Yongguk and his parents had gone there for a check-up. He said that Yongguk suffered from chest pain one night during dinner. He’d fallen down to the floor and started writhing. The whole family had panicked and before they could call the ambulance, Yongguk’s heartbeat became normal again. It was like something had electrocuted him back to normal. According to the heart monitor he wore on his wrist, his heart stopped beating for two minutes. His parents got worried and they immediately rushed him to the hospital that night.

It was the same night that Yongguk had texted Himchan to meet him at the hospital.

Himchan felt so stupid for blowing him off. He should’ve known that something was wrong with how solemn Yongguk’s message seemed that night. If only he hadn’t been so stressed out with his studies, he would’ve noticed that something was off. But he knew now was not the right time to blame himself. He needed to see Yongguk and apologize. He needed to tell him that he was wrong and that he never intended to hurt him.

And so he went straight to the bus station after meeting his brother.

After getting the ticket, he boarded the bus and tried calling Yongguk. He didn’t answer the call. Himchan then sent him a few texts, telling him that he was coming to see him but again, there was no reply. When the bus started moving, Himchan figured that he should just meet Yongguk face to face and end this stupid fight between them.

-

The journey to Ulsan was five hours long. When the bus reached the destination, Himchan immediately took a taxi and went straight to the hospital. He asked the receptionist for Yongguk’s name and he let out a sigh of relief when the receptionist gave him the room number.

Himchan ran.

He ran as fast as his feet could carry him because he wanted to see Yongguk so bad. He wanted Yongguk to tell him that everything was okay and that he didn’t hate him for what he said that day.

He just wanted to be forgiven.

The moment he reached the hall to Yongguk’s room, he skidded to a halt when he saw the person he was looking for. Yongguk was standing there right in front of him wearing a hospital gown. Himchan couldn’t remember how thin Yongguk was compared to this person standing before him. He didn’t remember that Yongguk’s face could be so hauntingly gaunt. It surprised him to see Yongguk in such condition. It broke his heart to see him like that.

It seemed like Yongguk could feel Himchan’s presence because as he was about to step inside his room, he stopped and looked over at Himchan with wide eyes. Himchan could tell that they were mirroring each other’s expression and he would’ve laughed at it if it wasn’t for the surprise and relief overwhelming him.

He bent forward and rested his palms on his knees, panting heavily from the long run he’d made since he got to the hospital. When he straightened himself and planned to walk over to Yongguk, the latter had made the first move and pulled him into a hug.

Yongguk’s hug was desperate and soothing at the same time—long arms wrapped around his waist in a tight grip.  Himchan felt like he could just fall asleep in his arms right now with how tired he was. It was such a huge relief that he felt like dropping down to the floor because of how weak his knees had become. It felt surreal to have Yongguk holding him like this. He tightened his hold around Yongguk’s neck just to make sure that he wouldn’t collapse. He had to remind himself that this wasn’t a dream.

Yongguk wasn’t mad at him. He didn’t run away from him. He was here. He really was here, in his arms.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Himchan.” Yongguk was the one to apologize first and it only frustrated Himchan more.

“I should be the one to apologize. Don’t steal my thunder, Yongguk.” Himchan chuckled. He then sighed and buried his face into the fabric of the hospital gown.  He ignored the way Yongguk’s bony shoulder was poking at his cheek. “I was an . I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. I shouldn’t have done that. You’re like the most amazing human being I’ve ever met and I treated you so bad. I’m an idiot, Yongguk. I would be glad to just receive a punch in the face from you.”

Yongguk let out a deep laugh then. His chest rumbled against Himchan’s cheek and his entire frame shook as he continued on laughing at what Himchan said. Instead of giving Himchan the punch that he thought he deserved, Yongguk only slid his arms up to Himchan’s shoulders and held him close. Himchan could feel Yongguk’s nose poking at the top of his head as he let out a soft sigh of relief.

“I would never hurt you Himchan.” He said as he pulled away to look at Himchan who had a frown on his face. “And like I said, I’m not mad at you. I never was. I never blamed you for anything. You’re too important to me.”

Himchan stared into Yongguk’s smiling eyes. He studied every detail of Yongguk’s features and stayed silent until Yongguk gave him a curious look.

He still had one thing to tell him.

The weight on his chest was becoming heavier as seconds ticked by.

“What’s wrong?”

Himchan exhaled the words softly. “I like you.”

Yongguk’s eyes widened at the out of the blue confession.

“I like you, Yongguk.” He said it for the second time because he was afraid that Yongguk missed it.

Himchan gnawed at his bottom lip when Yongguk looked down to the floor, expression unreadable. He clasped his fingers together in apprehension and went over the possibilities of getting rejected by Yongguk. He knew he’d made a sudden decision to confess but this was how he felt about Yongguk. He’d thought about it a lot after the fight. He kept on going through his feelings to just make sure that what he felt was true while he was riding the bus.

No, it wasn’t sudden. The feelings were there all along. He just made the discovery after realizing his mistake. The distance had helped him to think about them. No more doubt. Just assurance.

“I-if you don’t feel the same way, I get it. I just wanted you to know what I feel.” Himchan let out a humourless chuckle as he scratched at his neck, slowly stepping back. “We should mo-”

Himchan closed his eyes when Yongguk dove for his lips, palms cupping his face delicately. Then he could feel Yongguk sliding his arms down to his waist once again. Relieved. Happy. Overwhelmed. It all felt right. This was supposed to happen long time ago before the fight. Himchan knew he should’ve made the move when he started having trouble to stop thinking about Yongguk and smiling constantly whenever the man texted him.

What an idiot he was.

“I have thought about saying that a lot of times since I met you in the elevator,” Yongguk smiled when they’d pulled away from the kiss. “You wouldn’t believe how enchanted I was of your cat eyes.”

Himchan raised his brows at him, not quite believing what Yongguk just said. The weight on his chest was no longer there. It dissipated into thin air the moment Yongguk kissed him. If he could fly, he would’ve run on the moon and scream on top of his lungs with the contentment that was bursting out of his chest.

“It’s a surprise that you were the one to confess first. But I’m happy.” Yongguk continued. “I’m truly happy, Himchan. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Himchan said breathlessly, a wide grin spreading across his blushing face.

“Can I kiss you again?”

Himchan chuckled and wound his arms around Yongguk’s neck. “You already kissed me, silly. There’s no need to ask anymore.”

“Just being courteous,” Yongguk shrugged his shoulders with a teasing smile.

He then cradled the back of Himchan’s head and pulled him in for a second kiss.