The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. – Ernest Hemingway

Himchan stared down at the cup of coffee his mother had brewed for him that morning. It was silent in the kitchen. There were no birds chirping outside although the weather was sunny. His mother had gone out to buy groceries so he was left alone with his father.

Both of them were sitting down at the dining table with his father reading the newspaper and Himchan doing nothing. No one made an attempt to start a conversation. Both he and his father were men with few words anyway.

But in the end they needed to talk so his father took over the silence to speak to him.

“How is Yongguk?”

“He’s at home. He’s doing okay, I guess.”

His father cleared his throat and finally put down the newspaper to look at his son. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore seeing his son in such sad and broken state.

“You know….life can be difficult sometimes. You’ll feel like everything is just too much for you and there are days when you feel like giving up. It’s really upsetting when life isn’t getting along with you. You have no control of it and you start to feel helpless. It’s like the world is turning its back on you.”

Himchan stayed silent. He didn’t know how to respond to that, honestly.

“You can’t have everything in this world. There are no such thing as perfection. You wouldn’t be able to live a perfect life no matter how hard you try. People come and go in one’s life. It’s what people call the cycle of life. You say hello and goodbye and that’s it. You have no power to stop someone from leaving you. You just have to accept what the world offers you.”

Mr. Kim let out a soft sigh and put down his glasses on the table before he continued.

“If you truly love this young man then you’re not supposed to wish for a perfect life with him. I’m not angry at you for sticking with him. I just want you to know that there are things you have to sacrifice when you’re with someone like him. I don’t want you to regret your decision when someday he leaves you.”

Himchan rubbed at his eyes and stared hard at the coffee in front of him. He didn’t want to cry again, not in front of his father. And he certainly didn’t want to be reminded of the possibility that Yongguk could maybe leave him in the future. Not like this. Not when he was not ready.

“Right now what he needs is your support. I know it’s hard to stay strong but this is the only way. I’ve lived longer than you and I’ve lost a lot of people that I love before. I know what it feels like. It’s not something that you would want to stay with you for the rest of your life but that’s what life is all about. You get hurt and you recover from the pain.

We’re not immortals, son. Someday I’m gonna leave too. Look at me, I’m so old now. My hair has turned white. I have back pains when I bend down and it’s so hard to read the newspaper without my glasses. Who knows when God will reclaim my soul? It’s just a matter of time. And you have to use that time to live your life to the fullest before it runs out.”

Himchan sniffed back the tears. He gnawed at his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. He was so caught up with his little world that he didn’t notice how old his father had become. It was true, what his father told him. Nothing lasts forever in this world. People are bound to leave someday no matter how desperate you are to keep them from leaving. The world is a temporary place. There really was nothing he could do to change how the world worked. Soon enough his parents would leave him. His sister too. Or maybe he would be the one leaving first. Who knew? Death would indubitably come when one’s time is up.

“I want you to go back to him today. Stop making him worry. He made five calls to this house last night.”

With that, Mr. Kim stood up from the table and left Himchan alone at the kitchen. Himchan shut his eyes and exhaled slowly. He then pulled out his phone to find that Yongguk had left ten missed calls for him. There were even a few text messages from him apologizing and begging Himchan to come back home. Himchan dialled his number and pressed the phone to his ear, listening intently to the long beep before Yongguk finally answered the call on the second ring.

“Himchan?”

“I’m coming home,” He muttered. A tear slipped down his cheek but he wiped at it quickly.

“Okay,” Yongguk replied. He sounded so sad. It made Himchan feel guilty for leaving him like that yesterday. “I’m so sorry, Himchan. I promise I’ll never joke around like that anymore. Please come back. I love you.”

“I love you too, Yongguk.”

Himchan uttered those words with everything he had in him because who knew when he could say it again?

-

When Himchan came back, Yongguk was there to welcome him at the front door. Himchan didn’t waste any time to run into his arms and hold him tight. He buried his face against his chest and muttered an apology. Yongguk merely shook his head and kissed his hair.

“Let’s not fight anymore,” Himchan croaked.

“That’s a promise,” Yongguk let out a soft sigh of relief. “I’m really sorry, Himchan.”

“I forgive you. It’s okay now. We’re okay.” Himchan nodded as he flashed a smile at him.

Yongguk ran his hand over Himchan’s hair and pressed their foreheads together, muttering out an ‘I love you’ to him—Himchan would never get tired hearing that from him. He then led Himchan inside and both of them lounged on the couch for the rest of the night, watching TV and just talking in general. Himchan never moved his hand off Yongguk’s chest that night when they fell asleep.

Morning came and Himchan woke up to Yongguk flipping through the channels, one hand wrapped around his shoulders. He rubbed at his eyes and pushed himself up from Yongguk’s chest before he smiled at him.

“Good morning.”

“Morning,” Himchan said. He stretched his arms and looked at the clock on the wall. He was late for work. He didn’t feel like going to the café today. He decided to call in sick. His employer wouldn’t mind him skipping one day. There were others who could cover for him.

“What are you planning to do today?” Yongguk asked after Himchan had hung up on the phone.

“Not sure,” he shrugged. “I just wanna spend time with you.”

Yongguk hummed and crossed his legs as he tried coming up with ideas to spend their time together on their day off. Himchan perched his chin on the headrest of the couch as he too brainstormed for their activity that day.

“Hey, you made that list of things you wanna do when we first started dated, right?” Himchan grinned.

Yongguk blushed at mention of his to-do list. “Yeah.”

“Why don’t we follow that list? It’ll be fun!”

“But I threw it away after you said how cheesy I was,” Yongguk frowned. Himchan stared at him, dumbfounded.

“You did not.”

“I did.” Yongguk chuckled. He then shook his head and stood up. “You know what? I prefer spontaneous activities. It’ll be better that way. Right now I wanna take a walk outside with you. You coming?”

When Yongguk reached out a hand to help him off the couch, Himchan studied the lines on his palm. It reminded him of his father somehow. The wrinkles on his father’s face, the creases on his forehead and the crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. His father’s words rang in his mind like the sound of the bells, echoing from a great distance. A reminder of what the future held.

Himchan shut the thought off his mind and smiled up at Yongguk before he took his hand and headed to the front door.

-

Himchan stared at the entrance to a theme park with his mouth agape. He could hear children cheering from the side and see couples taking pictures with the mascots. He then turned to Yongguk who stood next to him and raised his brows at him.

“You wanna go here?” he asked.

“Yeah. I haven’t been here before.” Yongguk shrugged.

“I thought everyone has gone to a theme a park before. At least when they were little.”

“I was in the hospital, remember?”

“Oh…” Himchan gave him a sheepish smile. He then reached out for Yongguk’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Then let’s enjoy ourselves today. We’re gonna go on every single ride they have here. No stopping.”

“That’s the spirit!” Yongguk chuckled as he led Himchan inside.

They started with the carousel. At first Himchan was reluctant since there were only kids riding it but when Yongguk insisted, he could never say no. Yongguk even pleaded. It was adorable to say. The next ride was the Ferris wheel. A lot of people were lining up for it. It took both of them close to an hour before they could ride it. When they could finally board the car, Himchan let out a long sigh and turned to the scenery that overlooked the entire theme park. It was a breathtaking view. He hummed in awe as he stared at the ant-sized people down below. It made the whole theme park seem like a set of miniature with how high up in the sky he was right now.

“It’s really beautiful out there,” he said to Yongguk. When he turned to him, he could see Yongguk leaning back in his seat, seeming out of breath. He was sweating. Himchan sat down next to him and dabbed at the sweat on his forehead with a handkerchief he’d taken out of his pocket. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Yongguk smiled. He held onto Himchan’s wrist and stopped him from dabbing at his forehead. He looked tired. But happy. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious. Just a little out of breath.”

Himchan flashed him a smile and leaned his head on his shoulder as they both watched the scenery outside. Yongguk kept the smile on his face the whole time they were on the Ferris wheel. It never faltered once. Himchan wondered how he could be so nonchalant about his condition.

After the ride, both of them went to a café since their stomachs were begging for food. Yongguk ordered bolognese spaghetti and Himchan ordered fish and chips. They ate in comfortable silence, with Yongguk commenting about the rides they’d gone on once in a while. It had been a nice day for Himchan. He was glad that he’d decided to skip work today. He had a lot of fun with Yongguk today. They even took a lot of pictures, some of them making ugly faces. Himchan never really liked taking pictures of himself but after meeting Yongguk he realized how important it was to keep some of the memories in a form of photos. He could reminisce the memories easier with the photos. He could always turn to the photos to look at Yongguk’s smile if he ever-

Himchan blinked. He shook his head and discarded the thought away. He wanted to focus on the present day. He should never think of anything right now. It was only him and Yongguk. He finished his food and ordered dessert. When the waitress had excused herself, he turned his attention to Yongguk who was still eating his spaghetti. He was about to tell Yongguk that he was a slow eater but when he saw the way his hand was shaking as he held onto the fork, he frowned and placed a hand on top of Yongguk’s immediately. Yongguk seemed to be snapping out of a trance. He looked at Himchan with his brows furrowed.

“Here,” Himchan took the fork from him and twirled the spaghetti around it before he held the fork close to Yongguk’s mouth. Yongguk seemed like he was going to protest but then Himchan saw the resigned look on his face. He let Himchan feed him. He even hid his trembling hands under the table.

For once, Himchan could see the sad look in Yongguk’s eyes but he was quick to recover and flash a smile at him. He was strong. He was fighting.

Himchan smiled back.

-

They ended up going to the market after leaving the theme park. They were low on groceries. Himchan only remembered after Junhong, Yongguk’s brother called in that night to tell them that they were coming to visit. Both of them had rushed to the market and bought the stuff they needed. By the time they reached home, there was a car waiting outside. It was Yongguk’s parents. A tall boy stepped out of the car and waved at them.

“You gotta stop growing Junhong. You’re gonna be taller than me,” Yongguk said to his brother after they had a brief hug.

“Too late, I’m already taller than you hyung.” Junhong chuckled as he towered over his brother. The boy was a giant, Himchan thought. He’d only graduated from high school.

“Let’s get inside. I’ll prepare something to warm you guys up,” Himchan said to Yongguk’s parents.

Mrs Bang shook her head and held up the pot in her hands. “There’s no need to prepare anything. I made chicken soup.”

Himchan gave Yongguk’s mother a grateful smile. He then ushered everyone inside, shivering at the cold weather. Once they were inside, they gathered at the dining table and caught up with each other. It’d been close to a month since Yongguk’s parents came to visit. Work was in the way and since Ulsan was far away, it was hard to travel every week to see their son. They were not really worried about Yongguk though because they knew Himchan was taking care of him. Mrs Bang often thanked Himchan whenever they saw each other. She seemed really grateful. Every time she thanked him, Himchan would notice the unshed tears in her eyes. It was then that he realized that he was not alone in this. Someone else was afraid to lose Yongguk too. His parents. His brother. It would be hard on them if Yongguk were to leave someday. They’d been with him for the longest time. They were his family. Mrs Bang had given birth to him. There was no doubt that she would be the saddest. Himchan couldn’t imagine how she could keep herself strong since the day she found out that her son was sick.

“Let me help,” Junhong’s voice startled Himchan slightly as he was washing the dishes. Yongguk and his parents were lounging at the living room. Himchan could hear them laughing.

“No, you should go back. I can manage,” Himchan smiled at the boy.

Junhong didn’t seem to agree. He stood next to Himchan at the sink and grabbed the cloth lying by the counter before he started wiping the dishes.

“You’re quite stubborn,” Himchan commented.

Junhong only replied with a soft chuckle.

They were both silent as they worked away with the dishes. It was the first time that Himchan got to spend his time alone with Junhong. He never really had the chance to get to know the boy.

“Thank you for being with Yongguk hyung,” Junhong was the one who broke the silence.

Himchan lifted his gaze from the wet plate in his hands to look at Junhong who had a small smile on his face. The boy glanced at him and nodded.

“I’m really glad to see him smile all the time. He does that a lot before he met you but I think his smile is brighter these days.”

“I feel honoured.” Himchan said as he resumed with the dishes.

Junhong was silent for a while. He was wiping the plates with a blank look on his face. It took Himchan all his might to not prod at him. He seemed to be in a deep thought.

“I thought Yongguk hyung was gonna die when he was admitted in the hospital for the first time.” Junhong said finally. His hands slowed down on wiping the plates. “At the time, I was only a kid. I didn’t understand a thing about his sickness. All I knew was that he might die. I cried a lot back then. I pleaded to my parents to not leave him alone. It was kinda silly because I used to think that my parents were gonna leave him at the hospital to die.”

Himchan was finished with the dishes. He turned off the faucet and leaned his hip against the sink as he trained his gaze on Junhong who was still wiping the plates clean. The smile was still there on the boy’s lips but Himchan could trace a little bit of fear in his eyes as he reminisced the memory.

“We were really close since we were little. Yongguk hyung took care of me really well. He never let me fight with the other kids whenever I got angry. He was like the peacemaker.” Junhong chuckled at that, joined by Himchan. “When we found out about his sickness, I became terrified. I was worried about him and I couldn’t sleep at night. I thought about who was going to take care of me if he wasn’t there for me. It was kinda selfish of me to think that way but I was so used to having Yongguk hyung by my side that it feels really wrong for him to not be there for me, to pull me away from all the bad things.

And then something dawned on me. A question came to me one night. Who was going to take care of him? He always takes care of everyone else. It seems like he is strong enough to bear the weight by himself but in the end everyone needs someone to be there by their side, right? I thought about that a lot while Yongguk hyung was going through his treatment. Of course, we have our parents to take care of him but what about someone special? He needs to meet someone that would love him and be by his side for a long time. I always prayed that someday he would get to meet that person. Years later, he met you and I instantly knew that you were the right person to take care of him. I guess my prayer was answered the day you stepped into his life.”

Himchan stared at Junhong and opened his mouth to say something. Nothing came out. He felt touched. Honoured. He dropped his gaze to the floor and could only smile. Having someone say that to him was rewarding in a way. It made him feel happy to know that his relationship with Yongguk was the best thing that could ever happen to his family.

“Thank you,” Himchan said. When he lifted his head to look at Junhong, he froze.

There were tears in the boy’s eyes. He wasn’t looking at Himchan anymore. He had his eyes on the sink, hands braced on the counter to keep himself up. His shoulders were shaking. Himchan reached out a hand to give him a soft pat on the shoulder.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen when Yongguk hyung leaves us someday. I don’t know whether I’m ready.” Junhong sobbed. He covered his mouth with his palm to prevent himself from making any noise but Himchan could clearly listen to the sadness seeping out of him.

Himchan did the only thing he could think of. He wrapped his arms around the boy and patted his back. Junhong immediately clung to him. Despite how tall he was, he looked more like a little boy like this. Lost and sad. 

It was true. He was not alone in this. Someone else was afraid of losing Yongguk too.

He had to be strong.

“If Yongguk can smile, then we can too.” Himchan told the boy. “Let’s just keep on smiling okay?”

Junhong wiped at the tears and nodded. He then breathed out a shaky “Okay.”