Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess

We seek it thus, and take to the sky

Ripples form on the water's surface

The wandering soul knows no rest 

-Loveless, Act I, Genesis

When the sun rose that morning, Himchan’s brows were pulled together and his mind was in turbulence as he stared down at Yongguk who was lying on the gurney, their fingers interlocked. Himchan never let go of his hand after he found Yongguk bent over the toilet bowl. Yongguk’s face was so pale and he was shaking terribly, cold sweat trickling down his forehead. He couldn’t breathe properly and when Himchan had pressed his palm to his chest, he could feel the abnormal beating of his heart. The pained look on Yongguk’s face was what made Himchan reach out for his phone to call the ambulance, despite Yongguk’s weak protest.

When they reached the hospital, Himchan stayed back as they wheeled Yongguk in the ER. He sat himself down on the bench and clasped his hands together. His lips were in a tight line and he had his eyes shut as he recited his mantra in faint whispers. He wondered whether from now on, he would always find himself sitting at the same spot, waiting for Yongguk. Several thoughts ran through his mind. Would Yongguk ever come out with a smile after this? When would the sickness stop? Why was Yongguk feeling more pain lately?

Somehow Himchan knew the answers at the back of his mind but he pretended he didn’t see it. He wanted to rebuild the utopia he had with Yongguk. He wanted to put the walls together again. There was always hope to cement them back together. Hope was what made him move forward these days. Sitting around wouldn’t make a difference. Thinking about reality brought nothing but worry so he would willingly put that aside for the moment.

-

Himchan couldn’t remember how long he’d dozed off in the hallway. When Dr Gong woke him up from his slumber, he sat up straight and asked for Yongguk. The doctor only smiled at him and took the seat next to him.

“Yongguk’s fine for now. He’s under medication so he’s sleeping.” Dr Gong said.

Letting out a soft sigh, Himchan shut his eyes for a moment and ran his hand down his face. He then stared at the doctor with a forced smile on his lips.

“Anything else?”  

“He’ll have to be hospitalized for the time being. His immune system is getting worse.” Dr Gong explained. “The lymphoma is now at stage four. We’ll be giving him-”

“Will the medicine cause side effects?” Himchan intercepted. He had his brows furrowed in worry. His eyes felt heavy and warm but he made himself believe that it was because of the lack of sleep instead of on the verge of crying. Yongguk had consumed a lot of medicine since he was first admitted into the hospital. If his condition was getting worse then maybe the medicine given to him were the wrong ones. Himchan wouldn’t risk that to Yongguk. Seeing him in pain wasn’t the kind of image he would like to etch in his mind.

“You know the treatments and the medicine effects depend entirely on the patient’s condition.” Dr Gong shook his head. He gave Himchan a soft pat on his shoulder. “Yongguk is strong. He has the will to live. He’ll fight everything to be better again.”

Himchan stayed silent. He rubbed at his arms to warm himself up. It felt colder than normal. He was close to shivering.

“I’ll call his parents.” Dr Gong offered. “You should go see him. He’ll want to look at you when he wakes up.”

When Dr Gong had gone back to his office, Himchan made his way to the room where Yongguk was admitted and sat down on the chair next to the bed. He stared at Yongguk’s sleeping face for a long time. He then waved a hand before his eyes. As expected, Yongguk was still asleep. Himchan smiled and laid his head on the bed, hands reaching out for Yongguk’s to clasp it between his palms. He the back of his hand with his thumb in slow motion. Yongguk’s hand was warm. It got rid of the coldness Himchan felt a moment ago instantly.

“Wake up, Yongguk. We didn’t get to eat breakfast together this morning.”

-

Himchan wasn’t sure when Yongguk started distancing himself. He was so preoccupied with coping with his feelings that he failed to see how as each day passed by, Yongguk became quieter and distant from him. He didn’t notice that Yongguk had started creating a wall between them, to keep Himchan away from him. He did it so subtly that it only seemed natural. Himchan should’ve noticed with the way Yongguk’s smiles lessened.

“Oh,” Himchan stopped sewing the beanie and held it up in front of his eyes. “I think I got the wrong color for the thread. It’s not red. It’s orange.”

Yongguk shifted on the hospital bed and stared at the beanie in Himchan’s hand with a blank look.

“Yeah, it’s orange.”

“I’ll have to redo it,” Himchan pouted. “I was so close to finishing it though. Why didn’t I notice the color earlier?”

Yongguk didn’t respond to that. He had turned back to the TV on the wall. There was a baseball game airing. Yongguk had been watching it since the day he got into the hospital. It was the only thing he could do to kill time nowadays. It was hard for him to walk around because his legs were often swollen.

Still upset over his own mistake, Himchan put the beanie away in his backpack and tidied up the bedside table. He then stood up and reached for his wallet.

“I’m going to buy lunch at the cafeteria. Do you want something?”

“I’m fine.” Yongguk gave him a somewhat stiff smile.

“Are you sure?” Himchan turned his gaze to the unfinished meal that had started to turn cold after Yongguk left it on the table. “You didn’t eat that much.”

“I don’t feel hungry.”

Himchan frowned at him. He lingered at the door for a moment before he turned to Yongguk again.

“I can buy you-”

“I’ll eat when I need to, Himchan.” Yongguk assured in a stern voice. He had his eyes on the TV once again.

Himchan’s eyes widened in surprise at the harsh tone Yongguk directed to him. His voice sounded so cold and tetchy. The creases on his forehead made him look like he was annoyed by Himchan’s persistence to make him eat. Himchan cleared his throat and nodded silently, trying to dismiss the image of an irritated Yongguk from his mind.

With that, Himchan excused himself and slipped out of the room slowly. Once the door was closed, he stood still and stared down at his feet for a long time as if he had forgotten what he was planning to do. He then turned around and peeked through the glass to see Yongguk no longer watching the game. He had his eyes on his palms that were laid on top of his lap. A forlorn look was cast upon his face. Himchan could almost see the guilt in Yongguk’s expression. Maybe he regretted for giving Himchan the cold shoulder. 

Deciding that Yongguk needed some space, Himchan walked away from the door and headed to the cafeteria. Once he was there, he ordered himself coffee and a plate of deokbokki. Before he left the counter, he grabbed a melon bread, figuring that he should still try to feed Yongguk. He wasn’t fond at the idea of letting Yongguk skip his meal that often. He had been losing weight recently. He was too thin to be healthy.

“Ah, Himchan. Good thing we bump into each other again.” Dr Gong greeted as soon as he saw Himchan sitting by himself at the cafeteria. He was carrying a tray of food in his hands. “Were you having lunch by yourself?”

“Yeah,” Himchan nodded with a soft smile.

“Can I join you?”

“Sure,” Himchan gestured towards the empty seat opposite him.

“Is Yongguk brooding in his room?”

Himchan looked at the doctor and chuckled. “Mmm…yeah. He seems like he’s having a mood swing. I figure that I should leave him alone for a while.”

“Don’t think too much about it,” Dr Gong said. “You might feel upset when he suddenly lashes out at you but that’s just because patients like him often have unstable emotions. They can be quite fragile. It’s just the sickness doing that to them.”

Himchan didn’t like the last sentence coming from Dr Gong’s mouth. Sickness. The word didn’t fit Yongguk at all. It sounded so wrong to think that a sickness could affect Yongguk’s personality. Yongguk was strong. He wouldn’t let such petty thing get to him.

“There’s no point in worrying. What we’re supposed to do to help Yongguk right now is by treating him normal. Not like he’s sick. We should not make him feel vulnerable. Yongguk does not like that.”

“I know.” Himchan muttered. He poked at his food with the chopsticks in his hand and then trained his eyes on the doctor sitting opposite him. He hesitated voicing out his question, “Is there a time limit?”

When Dr Gong blinked confusedly at him, Himchan cleared his throat and dropped his gaze back to the food.

“How much time does Yongguk have if the cancer prolonged?”

“Well,” Dr Gong cleared his throat and leaned back in his seat. “I can’t really tell you anything about that. It’s not just the cancer that’s threatening his life. His heart is not doing that well too. There could be time when his heart would suddenly stop. There’s no telling when he could…leave.”

Himchan nodded at that. “I see.”

When Dr Gong realized that the atmosphere had become darker, he quickly changed the subject. For the rest of their lunch together, they talked about general things, avoiding any sensitive subject that could potentially remind Himchan of Yongguk’s sickness.

After parting ways with the doctor, Himchan walked back to Yongguk’s room with the bread in his hand when he heard clanging coming from inside. Perturbed, he quickened his steps and pushed the door open to see Yongguk sitting on the floor with his hands cradling his head, fingers tugging at his hair. He was breathing heavily and he had his teeth gritted. The bowl of porridge given by the nurse that morning was toppled over with its content spilled messily on the tiles. 

“Yongguk?” Himchan immediately knelt down beside him and took his wrists in his hands to pry it off his head. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

“I can’t…” Yongguk muttered, his whole frame trembling. “I just can’t get better.”

Himchan pulled back from him and let go of his wrists. He stared at Yongguk as he silently rocked back and forth. There were tears on his cheeks. He was sobbing like a little boy. Himchan had never seen him look so scared and lost before. It was hard to believe what he was seeing.

“Why can’t I get better, god dammit.” Yongguk tightened his grip on his sleeve and buried his face to his knees, curled up into a ball. “Can’t even hold a spoon properly…can’t even do things properly. I’m just useless.”

“Stop,” Himchan whispered.

“I’m not ready. I can’t just die yet.”

“Yongguk, stop it.” Himchan pleaded. His eyes were b with tears.

“It’s so pathetic…this is not what I want.”

“Stop!” Himchan pulled Yongguk’s face to him and held it firmly between his palms. “What are you saying Yongguk? Why are you acting like this? You’re scaring me.”

“I’m afraid to die.” Yongguk answered in a wistful tone. “I don’t wanna die, Himchan. Why am I still sick? Why is my heart failing me? What should I do to get better?”

Himchan let the tears slip down his cheeks as he stared at Yongguk with wide eyes. The words had cut so deep that he felt this immense pain in his chest. All this time Yongguk had tried hard to keep his insecurity to himself. He was holding himself together for as long as he could to keep himself from bursting but it seemed like he couldn’t do it anymore.

“It’s the fact that you haven’t lost someone close to you that makes me scared of dying.” Yongguk muttered as he pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes. “I don’t want you to go through a heart break. I don’t want you to watch me fight the pain. You don’t deserve this. I like seeing you smile and I wish you would just do that instead of being here with me. All of this is just stupid. I’m selfish for keeping you with me.”

Himchan’s heart broke into pieces nonetheless. It was because Yongguk had uttered those words he never thought he would never say.

“I’m sorry for meeting you that day...I’m truly sorry, Himchan. You just don’t deserve this.”

But a heart break was nothing compared to what Yongguk was facing. With a deep breath, Himchan leaned closer to Yongguk and encased him in his arms. He pressed his nose to his hair and closed his eyes, telling himself that it was time for him to bring Yongguk back. He wanted the real Yongguk to return right now. This was not Yongguk. It was the cancer that was doing that to him. That was what people often said when a patient broke down. He wanted to believe that was the reason why Yongguk had acted like this. This was just another one of the obstacles coming their way.

“You’re not allowed to say that,” he told Yongguk faintly as he held back the tears. His voice was shaky but he managed to compose himself. He wanted to be strong for Yongguk. “Don’t you dare tell me that you’re taking back the memories we had between us. I’ve never regretted meeting you that day. I chose to stay. It’s my call to decide.”

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.”

Yongguk wrapped his arms around Himchan’s waist and wailed into his shoulder. Himchan didn’t say anything after that. He held Yongguk firmly in his embrace, wishing that the future obstacles wouldn’t be crueller than this one. He wasn’t sure whether he could fight them with how fragile Yongguk had become though.     

-

“Hello?”

Himchan closed his eyes and smiled upon listening to his sister’s voice.

“Himchan? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I just—I wanted to call you.” He replied with a chuckle.

“It’s in the middle of the night.” His sister laughed. “But that’s okay since you’re my little brother. Now what do you wanna talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Himchan shrugged. “I guess I just feel like talking to you. You told me that I could call you whenever I want to.”

“True that.”

“How’s work?”

“Okay. A bit stressing but I’m working my way up to being the team leader. How about you, Chan? Everything’s fine?”

“I’m fine.” Himchan leaned back against the wall and stared at the empty hallway of the hospital. Somehow the isolated condition calmed his mind. “I’m at the hospital with Yongguk. He’s sleeping right now.”

“Is he doing okay?” his sister asked out of concern.

“He’s fine. We’re fine.” He assured. There was a pause. Himchan let the silence linger for a bit before he continued, “But…today he was kinda in a bad mood. He had a mental breakdown. He started crying and scolding himself for being sick.” Himchan inhaled shakily and stared up at the ceiling when he felt himself tear up. 

“Oh…Chan.” His sister let out a soft sigh. “Did something bad happen?”

“No. I gave him a hug and he cried for a while. I guess the cancer was messing up his thoughts.” Himchan fiddled with the linen of his sweater and gnawed at his bottom lip. “Noona, he said he was sorry. He…he apologized for meeting me and letting me see him dealing with his pain. I don’t even know what to do or say to him.”

Himchan sniffed back the tears and pressed the heels of his palm to his eyelids. He hated himself for crying like this but at least he wasn’t doing it in front of Yongguk. He wouldn’t let him see him like this. Not when Yongguk himself needed the support.

“What else did he say?”

“He said that he didn’t want to die.” Himchan whispered the words wistfully. “How can he say that, noona? It hurts my heart to hear him say that. It just makes me hate myself for not able to help him. What do you say to that? If I said that everything would be okay then I’m just lying to both of us. Why does it have to be so hard?”

There was silence as his sister thought for a while. “I can’t give you the best answer, Chan but know this; it’s not wrong to be hopeful. I think being hopeful is the purest thing to do when you’re with someone like Yongguk. I did that often back when grandma was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Sometimes I thought I was being stupid for being hopeful but at least it keeps the sadness away for a while. It’s just what people do for consolation. There’s really nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, there’s the possibility that he would leave someday but why stop being hopeful? Why not keep on wishing for miracles and celebrate when you get to spend another day with him? Life is sometimes unexpected, yeah? You never know what will happen in the future and that’s the best part of life. You continue to hope for the best and be grateful when it turns out good. Being hopeful means you’re living life the right way.”

Himchan breathed out a chuckle as he pressed the phone closer to his ear. He then exhaled slowly and nodded a few times.

“Thank you, really.” he said. “I needed that so bad.”

“I’m here for you, okay? Whenever you need me, I’m just one phone call away.”

After another few minutes of talking, Himchan finally wished his sister goodnight and hung up. He stayed seated on the bench as he thought back about their conversation. He then smiled to himself and walked over to Yongguk’s room. When he entered, he could see Yongguk lying on the bed with his lower body covered with a blanket. Himchan approached him with silent steps and sat down on the chair before he adjusted the blanket so that it would cover up to his shoulders. He sneaked a quick kiss to his forehead.

He then ended the night with a whispered ‘I love you’ to Yongguk.