“Reality was dawning on him and he hated reality. If you were him, so would you.” 
― Carla H. Krueger, The Social Worker

The lymphoma relapsed. It got worse. It had moved to stage three without warning—or maybe Yongguk was too good at hiding things from Himchan that he hadn’t noticed the swelling on Yongguk’s limbs and the way he was always sweating in the middle of the night. Himchan questioned himself on how aware he was of Yongguk’s condition. He went over the days they spent together as he sat on the chair at the hospital, waiting for Yongguk to wake up. Yongguk looked fine. It seemed like nothing was wrong with him. He never complained about feeling pain or anything that would indicate about the lymphoma getting worse. He would’ve told Himchan if something was wrong, right?

Himchan sighed as he leaned back on the chair. Yongguk wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t want to make him worry. That was just the way he thought about things. He didn’t like putting the burden on someone else unless it was him. He could be extremely stubborn and Himchan hated that. He was furious at the fact that Yongguk would hide something serious from him. He thought they already promised each other that they would share their problem. Not hiding things from each other. Not curling up on the floor of the bathroom instead of reaching out for the other. Himchan wondered whether Yongguk ever trusted him to take care of him.

When Yongguk woke up, he called out for Himchan. The said man got up from the chair and came to his side immediately, thumb at his cheek as he smiled at Yongguk. The anger dispersed the moment he saw the relieved look Yongguk had on his face. All of a sudden he forgot about any other feelings that were crawling up his chest. All he could feel was the love he had for the man lying on the bed. It was love. Love was making him immune to other feelings. He wasn’t sure whether it was something good though and whether the feeling would last long.

“I’m sorry for making you worry,” Yongguk muttered.

Himchan shook his head and pressed his forehead against Yongguk’s, bottom lip trapped between his teeth. He didn’t want to cry in front of him. “You have to tell me when something’s wrong Yongguk.”

Yongguk hummed and closed his eyes.  “I’m sorry.”

“I was scared.”

Yongguk held onto Himchan’s hand and gave it a weak squeeze. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Himchan pulled back and smiled at him. He ignored the gaunt look that had become prominent on Yongguk’s face.

“Promise me that you’d share everything with me, okay?”

“Okay.”

-

Himchan tried to be strong. He knew he could do it. Yongguk was struggling. He took several tests and tried out the drugs the doctor gave him. He underwent countless biopsies without protest. When his heart started acting up again, he faced the pain bravely. He was trying his best to get better for Himchan’s sake. Both of them were fighting. Himchan held his stance despite noticing how the walls he’d built with Yongguk for their utopia slowly crumbling as days passed by. The cracks were visible. The ground shook beneath his feet. The sky wasn’t as bright as it used to be. But he paid no heed to those things. He only had his eyes on Yongguk and he clung onto hope to keep him afloat.

Telling himself that everything would be okay had become a mantra for him.

“The cancer had spread to the lymph nodes on both sides of the diaphragm. We didn’t expect for it to spread so quickly. We had to increase his immunosuppressant dosage because his body was starting to reject the heart last week. We thought we could balance the drug dosage in time but I guess things got out of hand. His immune system is getting weaker.”

Himchan tore his gaze away from the doctor and stared at the door to Yongguk’s room. Yongguk was inside, sleeping. The doctor came earlier to see Himchan and explain Yongguk’s condition to him. It wasn’t something Himchan was willing to listen to. This was bad news. Yongguk’s parents would be worried. He contemplated on whether he should give them a phone call. He didn’t want Mrs Bang to worry about her son since she was far away.

“We’ll try radiation therapy by tomorrow and see whether we could slow down the cancer.”

“Okay, thank you.” Himchan nodded and watched the doctor walk away before he slid down on the chair outside the room. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, massaging his temples out of habit.

“You can do it,” he whispered to himself.

-

Yongguk stopped breathing one day.

It was early in the morning. Himchan was supposed to wake up early for work. As usual, he would always lie on Yongguk’s chest every night when they slept while Yongguk had his arm around his waist to keep him warm. It had become a permanent place for him. It was easier for him to fall asleep with Yongguk by his side.

The moment his alarm sounded, Himchan turned it off and cracked his eyes open before he stayed still for a while, going over the routines he would have to face that day. With his head pressed against Yongguk’s chest, it was then that he noticed that Yongguk wasn’t breathing like he was supposed to. He lifted his head and stared down at Yongguk silently. He looked at him for a few seconds, trying to detect the movement of Yongguk’s chest but he couldn’t find any. He was as stiff as a stone. Himchan held his breath as he reached out to shake Yongguk by his shoulder. He called out his name softly a few times but Yongguk didn’t respond.

“Yongguk…wake up?” he said for the third time that morning. Tears were starting to blur his vision and his throat felt clogged up with pain at the sight of Yongguk lying still, eyes closed. Bad thoughts crawled to his mind and warning signs flashed before his eyes. He forced the negativity out of him and so he started shaking him frantically. “Yongguk please, wake up. Please.”

It was then that Yongguk opened his eyes, gasping for the needed breath. His eyes darted restlessly as he recollected his breath and when he had composed himself, he fixed his gaze on Himchan who had tears rolling down his cheeks, body trembling and whimpering like a child. His face contorted in worry as he sat up quickly to pull Himchan into his arms. He tightened his grip around Himchan’s body to stop him from shaking.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” he whispered to him guiltily.

Himchan was scared and Yongguk wasn’t helping.

-

Himchan had no idea how many days it took for him to finally break.

When it happened, he could see the utopia finally crumbling to dust. Their little world that was placed high up in the sky got into the ground and the clouds started crying out rain drops. He could no longer keep his sight on Yongguk, vision blurred by the storm. The hope he used to cling on was starting to pull away from him. Everything was starting to slow down and he felt like he was going to crash down any moment.

“I’m home,” Himchan said as he slipped out of his shoes and placed them on the shelf.

He the lights in the hallway and called out for Yongguk. When he got no answer, he frowned and walked into their room. Once he opened the door he could see Yongguk lying on the bed, sleeping. He smiled at the sight. He then shuffled towards his boyfriend and knelt down beside the bed before he shook him awake.

“Hey, wake up. Dr Gong called and said that he would come by this evening.”

Himchan waited for a response. Yongguk did nothing. He wasn’t waking up.

“Yongguk?”

The same fear came to him. The memories from that day when Yongguk wouldn’t wake up clawed at his mind. Like a flick of a switch, he shut them off immediately. He held his breath when the painful lump returned to his throat and shook Yongguk again. He was about to call his name again when Yongguk opened his eyes and smiled at him.

“April’s fool,” he grinned. He then sat up and chuckled when Himchan stared at him with wide eyes. “Gotcha.”

He laughed.

But Himchan’s frown turned deeper.

Himchan wiped the tears in his eyes and turned away from Yongguk without a word.

“Himchan?”

Yongguk tried reaching for him but he recoiled from him. He was hurt. He felt betrayed. It wasn’t funny. Having Yongguk joking around like that didn’t help him at all.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Yongguk got up from the bed and followed him outside.

Himchan ran a hand down his face and sighed shakily before he bent down and started slipping his feet into his shoes. Tears were cascading down his cheeks but he made no attempt to wipe them off. He wanted to get away from everything. He wanted to shut himself into his own world and mend the pain that had started to invade his entire being.

“Where are you going?” Yongguk touched his shoulder but he jerked it off him right away, not caring that it made Yongguk frown in return.

“I’m going out,” he muttered. Once he’d put on his shoes, he stood up and headed for the door.

“Hey, stop.” Yongguk grabbed onto his wrist and turned him around. Desperation was evident on Yongguk's face. He was scared but Himchan ignored him. “It was just a joke. I’m sorry. I tried to lift up your mood because you seem so stressed out lately.”

“Then you shouldn’t have done that.” Himchan shook his head before he looked into his eyes. “You know you scare me when you do that, Yongguk. Do you have any idea how terrified I was when you stopped breathing that day? Do you think I could laugh it off as a joke when you pretended to stop breathing? You think it’s funny to do that? How could you.”

Yongguk tugged at his wrist but Himchan slipped his hand away and opened the front door.

“I’m going home. Don’t follow me. Just wait for Doctor Gong to come here.” He told his boyfriend before he left the house.

Yongguk didn’t stop him this time.

Himchan took the bus to Seoul that evening.

-

Himchan looked down at the pavement that led to his house for a long time as soon as he reached there. When he fixed his gaze on his house, he could see that the lights were on and he noticed some movement from inside. His father must be watching TV right now and his mother would be ironing the clothes or cleaning the kitchen. When he looked down at his watch, he could see that it was only half past nine. It was cold outside.

He walked to the front door and rang the bell.

It took his mother a minute before she answered the door. When she saw her son standing there with a solemn look on his face, she creased her forehead in worry and reached out to him. Himchan let his mother take him into her arms. He slumped in defeat and started crying when his mother called out his name in a wistful tone. The feelings burst out just like that. The tears he accumulated on his journey back to his house were now pouring down his face relentlessly.

Everything hurt.

“Mom…”

His mother shushed him. She his hair and tightened her grip around his body. It was as if she knew what was going on between him and Yongguk. Himchan figured that it must have something to do with her maternal instinct.   

“What’s wrong, honey?” she whispered to him nonetheless.

“I’m scared,” he told her. “I’m so scared to lose Yongguk.”

His shoulders shook when he let out a distraught whimper. He felt broken and he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He was lost. He had been so high up in the sky that when he crashed down it felt like everything inside him had broken to pieces. There was no more Utopia for him. It was now gone. Everything was ruined. It was back to reality.

When Himchan heard a cough from his father, he lifted his head to meet his eyes. His father stood in the hallway watching him and his mother embracing each other. There was disappointment swimming in those two orbs that were staring at him.

Maybe his father was right all along.

Maybe Himchan should have left Yongguk with his family.

Maybe he was wrong to think of himself as someone strong enough to bear all of the responsibility.

But in the end his father never said “I told you so” to him.

Because he knew that Himchan had found the most important thing in his life.