“One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.” -Gustave Flaubert

Himchan did the button of his blazer and stared at himself in the mirror. He had a deep frown etched on his face and he could see the tension eating away at him with the way the skin between his brows crinkled. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, listening to the faint sound of the rustling of leaves as the wind blew gently past them.

When he was ready, he closed the window and stepped out of the toilet so he could join the people downstairs for the memorial service. He scanned the crowd clad in black and spotted his sister entering the building with his mother. He waved a hand to catch their attention and when his sister saw him, she quickened her pace and threw her arms around her little brother when she reached him. Himchan returned the hug with a tighter one. He stayed silent as his sister started crying. He only gave her hair a few gentle as a form of consolation.

“Was she with you when she…you know?” his sister asked in a hush whisper after she’d pulled away from him.

Himchan nodded in reply and gnawed at his bottom lip when his sister muffled a sob with the back of her hand.

Their grandmother passed away under Himchan’s care. She was asleep at the time. Himchan hadn’t noticed how she never stirred or moved the night before. It was when morning came that he realized how still she was, that her chest was not rising and falling like it used to when she was breathing. He’d called out for her and tried shaking her awake but she never responded. He then called the nurse and doctor and they gave him the bad news. She lost to the cancer.

Himchan made the phone call to tell his parents about it and finally to his sister. She was at work when she received the news and as soon as she found out, she rushed home immediately. The rest was a blur and when Himchan opened his eyes, he was here attending the funeral with his family.

His sister didn’t seem like she would stop crying so their mother led her away from the crowd and disappeared into a rest room. Himchan let out a soft sigh and plopped on a chair, watching his relatives conversing and drinking soju. His father was sitting at the table together with his uncle and aunt. He had a hunch that they were reminiscing their childhood days. It was a habit for them to visit memory land whenever they got together.

“Hey.”

Himchan lifted his head to see Yongguk standing beside him. He gave him a thankful smile and closed his eyes when Yongguk gave him a pat on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for you lost.”

“Thank you for coming, Yongguk. I truly appreciate it.” Himchan said as he placed a hand on top of Yongguk’s.

Yongguk smiled at him and gave his knuckles a few when he’d turned his hand around to grab at Himchan’s. It was soothing in a way and Himchan felt the tension slowly leaving him.

“Are you alright?” Yongguk asked.

“Yeah.” Himchan nodded sharply. “I’m fine.”

“I’m going to pay my respect to your grandmother. Do you mind accompanying me?”

“Sure,” Himchan said as he stood up and led Yongguk towards the coffin.

After paying their respect to his grandmother, both of them walked out of the building side by side. Himchan didn’t notice that Yongguk had slowed down his steps and stayed behind. It was when Yongguk called out to him that he turned around and raised a brow at him.

“You look like you’re thinking too much. Are sure you’re fine, Himchan?” Yongguk asked with a creased forehead.

Himchan smiled faintly and nodded. “Don’t worry. I’m just tired, that’s all. I just rushed back from campus when I got here.”    

“I’ll be going now. I still need to take care of the kids. You should come by and see Joon if you want to?”

“Okay,” Himchan replied and waved at Yongguk when he started walking away. When Yongguk had left the scene, Himchan sighed and stared down at the empty road forlornly.

-

“Hey, sorry I didn’t answer your call on the first ring. I was in the bathroom. What’s up?”

Himchan closed his eyes and leaned against the bench. He was at the park near his campus. It was in the middle of a cold night and he couldn’t sleep. He was thinking too much. He felt anxious. He was supposed to be studying for his final exam but he couldn’t concentrate when he thought about his grandmother.

“Yongguk…I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel.” He muttered as he pinched on the bridge of his nose.

“Himchan? Hey are you okay? What’s wrong?” Yongguk sounded really worried and Himchan almost regretted calling him. When he failed to reply, Yongguk started speaking again. “Where are you?”

“I’m, uh…I’m at the park.”

“Stay there. I’m gonna meet you there, okay?”

After the call ended, Himchan shut his eyes once again and brought his knees to his chest. He stayed like that until Yongguk arrived, rushing towards him and looked him over as if Himchan had hurt himself. The look Yongguk had on his face was beyond worry. It was more than that. It was something that Himchan couldn’t put his finger on. It gave this ache in his chest to look at him like that.

“Himchan?” Yongguk said his name as he sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Yongguk, I can’t stop thinking about my grandmother.” Himchan said.

“Why?” Yongguk leaned closer to him as he put an arm around his shoulder.

“I just…I feel bad that I didn’t get to spend that much time with her before she fell sick. I was so distant from her and whenever I tried talking to her, I don’t know what to say. It’s always awkward between us. It’s like I’m a stranger in the family. My family members all cried during the funeral but I can’t even shed a tear. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I not sad that she’s passed away, Yongguk? I can’t understand what I’m feeling at all. I don’t deserve my last night with her at the hospital. It should’ve been my sister.” Himchan finished the last sentence with a shaky breath and it was when a tear slipped down his cheek that Yongguk brought him to his chest and engulfed him in a warm hug.

Himchan clung to him immediately, desperate for the warmth that was promising consolation in return. Only now he could cry but it wasn’t for the reason he thought of. It was because he felt guilty towards his grandmother. He wished they were close with each other when she was alive. He wished he had lived with her in the countryside when he was little. He wished for them to share at least one, unforgettable memory that he could always reminisce when he thought of her in the future. Now he was too late and he felt distressed whenever he was reminded of her.

“You’re not the only one who feels like that Himchan.” Yongguk said to him as he at his hair. “There are a lot of people who didn’t get to spend enough time and bond with their relatives. I too, had lost my grandmother. I wasn’t that close with her because we rarely visit her due to my condition at the time. When she passed away, I acknowledged her leaving the world and sent my prayers to her. That was it. I never cried. It’s not really anyone’s fault that you didn’t get to bond with the person you want before they’re gone. That’s just how life works, sometimes. Tears are not used to show how much you care about a person. It’s all about the heart and mind.”

“But I can’t stop myself from feeling guilty.” Himchan croaked, his forehead resting against Yongguk’s chest. “It’s hard.”

Yongguk straightened himself and pulled away from Himchan before he placed his hands on his shoulders. He then wiped at the tears and smiled at him.

“It takes time to make it go away. Just trust me, Himchan. It’ll go away eventually. Stop thinking too much.”

Himchan sniffed back the tears and finally nodded. When Yongguk kept on throwing him worried glances, Himchan chuckled and gave his arm a soft punch.

“Stop staring at me like that. I’m fine now.”

“I’m glad you’re smiling again,” Yongguk sighed in relief. He then leaned forward to take a closer look at Himchan and grinned. “You look beautiful smiling. Don’t ever stop smiling, okay?”

Himchan stared at him silently and Yongguk stared back, waiting for an answer. All of the sudden Himchan felt so exposed sitting here beside Yongguk. The more second ticked by, the harder it was for him to maintain eye contact with Yongguk. He felt his cheeks flame at the attention he was getting from Yongguk and the way his heart suddenly beat fast in his chest was unexplainable.

He was about to drop his gaze to his lap but then Yongguk reached out a hand to his face, long fingers tracing invisible patterns on his skin. Himchan didn’t even blink as he let himself drown in Yongguk’s tender gaze. When Yongguk leaned closer to him, he didn’t budge. He froze and he could feel his heart racing. Their faces were so close to each other. If Himchan moved even an inch, they would likely kiss at this moment but he was too scared and stunned that he hadn’t had the time to decipher what was happening when suddenly a dog barked from far away.

Yongguk pulled away but it wasn’t a rushed gesture. He had done it quite slowly but now he had his head turned towards the source of the barking. A dog came running their way and a teenage girl appeared from the other side, calling out for the dog. When the dog came to her, she picked it up and walked away.

“Uh…I better go home now.” Himchan said as he patted at his bangs awkwardly, completely avoiding Yongguk’s eyes.

“Y-yeah, sure.” Yongguk nodded sharply. It seemed like Yongguk was a little bit lost himself.  “Do you want me to walk you home?”

“It’s okay. I’ll just go by myself.” Himchan quickly declined as he got up from the bench. When he saw the surprised look on Yongguk’s face he flashed him a shaky smile. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay. Goodnight.” Yongguk smiled uncertainly.