“There are so many things that I want so badly to tell you but I just can't.” - Nina LaCour, Hold Still

Himchan leafed through the book and pressed the heel of his palm to his eyelids when he felt like yawning for the umpteenth time. He then reached out to his cup of coffee and downed the rest of it before he set the now empty cup back on the table. The door to the library creaked open and he lifted his head to see a student shuffling out, books bundled up in her arms. She had eye bags under her eyes and there were a few strands of hair sticking out of the bun she’d made on her head. When Himchan scanned the whole room, he could see the other students diligently revising for their final exam.

He yawned when the guy across him did. He then stretched his arms and leaned back against the seat. He was beyond exhausted. He wished he could go straight home and just sleep the night away but he still had another few chapters to cover before he could deem himself worthy for a rest. Not to forget, he still had to work on his thesis.

His professor had replied to his email and pointed out the mistakes. Turned out that he’d made heaps of spelling errors and info dump in his thesis. He had no idea whether he could resend his thesis in time before the final exam starts. There was so much work to do and so little time given. He could feel the stress building up on him.

Before he could regain his concentration, his phone beeped. He pulled it out of his pocket and read the message. It was from Yongguk. He was asking Himchan to meet him at the hospital tomorrow. Himchan frowned and typed in a reply, saying that he was fully booked for his studies. When Yongguk didn’t text back five minutes later, Himchan put his phone away and resumed to doing his revision.

It was close to half an hour before Yongguk texted him again.

“I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

The message was simple. Himchan didn’t think too much of it. He sighed and promised Yongguk that he would meet him tomorrow morning. He wasn’t really in the mood to think of anything else right now.

After the weird incident with Yongguk that night he kind of distanced himself from Yongguk. He needed the time to think over what was going on between them. He knew they were going to kiss that night and somehow he was relieved and disappointed at the same time when they were interrupted by the dog. A part of him wanted to kiss him and another part told him that it was wrong. He didn’t know why, maybe because he never really thought about being in a relationship. Plus, he made a promise to himself that he would only concentrate on his studies when he got into the university and until now, he hadn’t broken it. Was he prepared to commit to other things beside his studies? He wasn’t so sure anymore after meeting Yongguk. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Himchan heaved a sigh and rubbed at his face, eyes shut as he willed the thought to go away. Just then his phone beeped. It was another message from Yongguk.  

“Thank you.”

Once again the message was simple. No emojis or whatsoever. But Himchan failed to notice that as he was already consumed by exhaustion and stress.

After he was done with his revision, he gathered his books and headed back home.

-

Himchan’s phone rang three times the next morning. He groaned and opened his eyes with much difficulty before he reached out for his phone and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Himchan hyung, you have to come to the theatre club right now.” It was Jongup, one of the theatre club members.

“What’s wrong Jonguppie? Is everything okay there?” Himchan sat up on his bed and slid his legs to the floor. He looked out the window and noticed that it was snowing outside. He didn’t turn on the heater. No wonder he was freezing in the room.

“Someone trashed the storage room and most of the props are broken.”

“What?” Himchan blinked and immediately headed towards the bathroom. After listening to Jongup for another minute, he hung up and brushed his teeth and splashed some warm water on his face before he grabbed his coat and stepped out of his house.

He took the bus and rushed to the campus without having breakfast. The Christmas Play was just around the corner and someone thought it was funny to mess around with the props and ruin them. Himchan couldn’t believe that he was faced with another problem. The stress kept on piling up.

When Himchan reached the theatre club, Jongup showed him the storage room and the others all looked at him expectantly, waiting for his suggestion to make things right again. Himchan shut his eyes and rubbed at his temples as he tried coming up with a solution. He then took a deep breath and nodded to himself.

“Okay, I need everyone to gather the leftover materials and fix the props. We can catch up if we work together. I also need someone to find us a number of volunteers, call anyone who can help us out.”

-

It was close to six in the evening when Himchan and the rest of the theatre club members were finished with the props. He bid everyone goodbye and walked out of the campus to get back home. When he pulled out his phone to check for any message, he was surprised to see that Yongguk had called him a few times that morning. It was then that he remembered that he was supposed to meet up with Yongguk at the hospital that morning. He cursed under his breath and took the bus to the hospital.

When he got there he made his way straight to the children ward. He knew Yongguk would be there with the kids. Maybe he should’ve called to make sure that Yongguk was there but Himchan felt terribly guilty for forgetting about Yongguk that he hadn’t had the time to think it through.

As soon as he reached the room, he opened the door to find the kids playing with a nurse. There was no Yongguk in sight. Confused, Himchan walked around the hospital and texted Yongguk to ask him for his whereabouts. Yongguk didn’t reply.

Himchan continued walking down the hall until he reached Doctor Gong’s office. The moment he saw Yongguk stepping out of the office, he increased his pace to a jog and approached him.

“Hey, sorry I forgot about our meeting. I was held up by the-”

“It’s okay, Himchan.” Yongguk muttered. He then looked up from the floor to Himchan and gave him a small smile. “You should go home. You look tired.”

Before Yongguk could walk away, Himchan stepped in front of him and shot him a glare.

“What’s with the weird reply?”

“Nothing’s weird,” Yongguk shrugged his shoulders. He was cold. Himchan couldn’t understand why he was acting like that.

“Why are you acting weird, Yongguk?” Himchan furrowed his brows.

“Just drop it, Himchan.” Yongguk said.

“Are you upset because I stood up on you, Yongguk?” When Yongguk didn’t reply, Himchan let out a scoff. “Why are you giving me the cold shoulder? Did I do something wrong besides forgetting about our meeting? “

“I said drop it, Himchan. Don’t you understand?” It was like Yongguk was snapping out at him but Himchan could see that he was holding himself back.

Yongguk was too nice to lash out at another person.

“Then stop giving me that look, Yongguk. I know you’re upset but you won’t say anything and why is that?”

Yongguk sighed and took off his beanie before he ran a hand through his hair. He then turned away from Himchan before he spoke up.

“I waited since morning, Himchan. I waited for you. You promised that you would come and meet me here.”

“I forgot, I told you. I was at the theatre club.” Himchan stated out of frustration. “I have other problems to tend to, okay? I need to study for my final exam and my thesis isn’t even half way done. It’s not like I could come to you whenever you call me. It’s not that simple.”

“You know it’s important,” Yongguk pressed on. “I told you I have something important to tell you.”

“Important?” Himchan huffed. “You know what? You’re not the only important person that I have in my life, Yongguk. I have other people that I care about too like the members of the theatre club. You can’t just make me feel guilty because of one pathetic mistake that I made.”

Yongguk turned to Himchan and stared at him with his mouth agape. He then shook his head.

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty Himchan. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Then why are you so upset!?” Himchan asked.       

“Because I needed you and you weren’t there for me!” Yongguk raised his voice.

Himchan was so blinded by anger and stress that the next thing he said to Yongguk was the thing he wished he had never said out loud.

“I have a life too, Yongguk. Stop making it like everything revolves around you. If you’re so upset that I wasn’t there for you then maybe I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. Maybe I should’ve left you alone to wallow in misery just because of a silly mistake. Get over yourself.”

Himchan bit on his lip when he realized what he’d said. Yongguk stared at him emotionlessly, his lips in a tight line. When he tore his gaze away from him it was at that moment that Himchan knew he’d messed up. He opened his mouth to say something—maybe to apologize or asking Yongguk whether he was okay—but then he opted to staying silent instead because he knew he was stupid and that he had hurt Yongguk.

He exhaled softly and slung his backpack on his shoulder before he turned on his heels and walked away from Yongguk. He didn’t say goodbye or anything. He just left like that.

When he reached the entrance, he heard a series of rushed footsteps coming his way. He turned around to find Yongguk standing before him, his hands curled up in fists.

There was still a chance to apologize but Himchan couldn’t find his voice because of ego. He realized then that he was the biggest egoist there was in the world.

“I’ll walk you home,” Yongguk muttered.

“No,” Himchan shook his head as he ran a hand through his hair. “I want to be alone, Yongguk.”

Before he could leave, Yongguk took a few strides towards him and wrapped his arms around him. Himchan stayed still, staring straight ahead. He felt like crying but he held back the tears. His throat felt tight and he couldn’t breathe but he refused to say anything. He didn’t even return the hug. That just proved how big his ego was. It was truly stupid and he regretted it so much.

He should’ve said something. Anything.

“I’m not mad at you.” Yongguk breathed out those words wistfully.

Himchan knew Yongguk would never get mad at him.

He made a mistake but he didn’t apologize.

He left Yongguk without a word that day.