On normal days, the meat in front of him would definitely look appetizing. Like that time last month, when he ate in a barbecue restaurant with his brother who talked about how excited he is to enter college.

Although he was happy for Taehyung, the uncomfortable feeling that he felt is something he definitely couldn’t ignore no matter how hard he tried to distract himself. College brought bad memories to him that he wanted to forget more than anything. Aside from that, he doesn’t really want to burden his family anymore. He’s already a drop out, and he felt the needed to make himself useful by volunteering to buy Taehyung’s school supplies.

(He never expected those to be expensive.)

He noticed the meat in front of him is ready to eat, perfectly cooked the way he always wanted. He grabbed his chopsticks with a shaky hand to get a piece.

He heard someone call his name but he was lost in his thoughts to respond, still eyeing the perfectly cooked meat in front of him.

He’s doing his best. He’s working hard until his limbs fall off. He even found a third job with the help of an old lady in a convenience store who needed help to tutor her grandchildren. The pay was good and he just need to tutor three students under different levels with one and a half hour per child. It’s not bad.

He does his best to be that perfect older brother, despite all his mistakes but he knew it’s not enough. Despite all his efforts, he still gets home to a disappointed Taehyung who keeps telling him to stop overworking himself.

(Why would he stop? He’s supposed to be happy and proud, right? He’s working hard for him. Is he not enough?)

And even Jungkook hated him. It’s definitely the rejection two years ago but what can he do? He was scared because Jungkook was so young. He knew Jungkook was just confused and Seokjin wouldn’t take advantage of that. He would never take advantage of the young boy’s feelings. He’s a responsible older brother to him. He can’t.

And to top it all he’s with Yoongi who showered him with love and understanding. He shouldn’t be looking at someone else. He should be happy. He should be satisfied but what is this feeling?

He dropped the meat on the table before it even reached his plate. A curse escaped his lips as he sets his chopstick down.

“Seokjin hyung.”

He looked up to a worried Yoongi in front of him with meat and rice in his mouth. This is one of his rare day offs where they could go out and eat together and he’s ruining it.

(Seokjin, you’re a horrible person. He tells himself.)

He forced out a smile and he hopes that it looked sincere. “Yes?”

“You’re spacing out.”

Seokjin looked at the meat on the table, that’s not edible anymore. “I’m sorry for wasting food.”

“You’re not—“ Yoongi sounded frustrated and in all honesty, Seokjin is too. He doesn’t understand what else he’s lacking. He did his best to please everyone but why are they not—

“I can hear you thinking. Shut up.”

“I’m ruining your dinner, Yoongi.”

“Hyung,” said Yoongi with a frustrated sigh, “you’re not. I wanted to eat dinner with you.”

“Why are you still putting up with me?”

Yoongi looked at him like he grew two heads. He looked at him with his eyes and jaw wide open until his expression shifts into something else. He looked hurt.

He doesn’t say anything. He just stared at Seokjin before he goes back to his food.

-x-

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you home?”

Seokjin covered his mouth to hide a smile. “You’re too worried about me. Can you even see big I am? I should be the one taking you home.”

Yoongi shrugged as he pulled his beanie lower to cover his ears.

“I… I guess this is it,” he said, voice unsure.

Seokjin nods glancing at the people rushing in the street. “Mhm, yeah. Are we going to have a dinner together again next month? Or are you going to be too busy?” Seokjin asked, “I mean—it’s alright I understand you’re really busy.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately…” Yoongi murmured, loud enough for Seokjin to hear. He waited for a few seconds, wondering if Seokjin would interrupt him but the older male remained quiet so he took it as a cue to continue.

“I want to make you happy, I want to be the person who will make you happy. All these years, I hoped that I’ll make you love me back.”

“Yoongi—“

“But I realized that, maybe, I’m not the person for you. That no matter how hard I’ll try I’ll never be able to make you happy and I can’t forgive myself if this continued.” Yoongi swallowed thickly, keeping his gaze on the ground. He could feel the tears running down through his cheeks and he wants to punch himself for being weak, for giving up. “God, I’m sorry. Hyung, I love you so much but I’m just holding you back from your happiness and—“

“Yoongi, stop—“

“---maybe I’m not the one for you right now. But…maybe I’ll be for you in another life. I’ve been thinking what if you auditioned too? You’ll get in, I like your voice. You’ll be a good singer and I’ll write the songs that you’ll sing.”

Yoongi gathered his courage to turn and face Seokjin, preparing himself for what he’ll see.

Seokjin is looking at him with pained look. Eyes wide and cheeks wet from his tears.

(And the urge to punch himself is stronger, he swore in his life he’ll never be the reason why Seokjin would look like that.)

“You can’t do this…” Seokjin says, “you can’t do this Yoongi.”

Yoongi pulled his hand up to Seokjin’s cheeks, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his sweater. “Please don’t cry for me.”

Seokjin shook his head, he looked like a stubborn child with his puffy eyes and cheeks. “You’re breaking up with me.”

“Yeah.”

“Because you think I’ll be happy without you.”

“No. Because I think Jungkook will make you happy.”

Seokjin chewed on his lower lip as he turned his head away. He felt guilty that he couldn’t even look at Yoongi. “…No. He won’t.”

“He would.”

“I don’t understand…” Seokjin could feel millions of emotions swirling in him ad he couldn’t even name them anymore. Pain, anger, guilt, sadness… everything felt raw. “You sacrificed a lot for me, and now you’re doing this just to…just to…make me happy? I don’t understand, Yoongi.”

Yoongi smiled at him, “that’s what we call unconditional love, hyung.”

The older male remained quiet, staring at the people in the street. He wondered that maybe he’s just dreaming. Maybe he fainted at work and now he’s dreaming this but the pain in his chest is telling him otherwise. This is real, it’s happening but it doesn’t stop him from hoping to wake up.

He opened his mouth to tell Yoongi how dumb he is, for sacrificing so much for someone like him when he spots someone in the crowd who pushed the words down to his feet. He could feel his blood freeze and he almost didn’t hear Yoongi.

“Hyung, I really want to take you home but I don’t think it’s wise for me to do that so I told Jungkook to come here,” He says, unaware of whatever Seokjin saw.

“He hates me.” Seokjin turned his head to Yoongi, “He hates me. Why did you do that—“

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just stupid.”

There was a tug on his shirt and he turned his head to see Jungkook. He looked sweaty like he just ran in marathon and suddenly Seokjin couldn’t breathe.

(He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He’s drowning.)

“Let me take you home, Jin hyung. I’ll take care of you.” 

I'm really sorry for not updating for so long oh my god