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The two boys came home and got into another heated argument that included name calling, devaluating each other and hateful speech from both sides, these fights happened so frequently the two lost count. They'd end up with both of them getting away from one another and cooling off.

As he started walking towards Yoongi, Jungkook tripped over the metal toaster that’s been here for twenty years, trying to stabilize himself from falling, making Yoongi laugh through the rage.

“OOOoooooow.” Jungkook groaned as Yoongi turned his head away, biting the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from laughing like a hyena since he was in a middle of a freaking heated argument.

“My toesies…” He called them as he sat on the ground, gripping them.

“Yah! Weren’t we supposed to be arguing?! Don’t you want to be taken as an adult?” Yoongi questioned the boy hugging his foot.

“I-if you’re the shining example of one, then no. I am not an adult I am Jeon Jungkook.” The boy responded so child like, still huffed from the fight.

“Okay, then. Jeon Jungkook. Why do you still care for me? Answer me that one question. What makes me, Min Yoongi, not your hyung, so special? That’s all I wanted to know from this constant arguing. Let's just cut the .” Yoongi said as he stared at the boy, who nodded to himself comically to reassure himself, then looking at his hyung.

“I have to confess? I-I do have to..confess.” Jungkook spoke as he breathed air in that expanded his chest, making them huff up as he tried to look like a manly man, not realizing how funny it looked.

“Confess, Jeon Jungkook?” Yoongi looked at him as he tilted his head as a bunny, oozing with curiosity at the ticklish choice of wording.

“I don’t…want to insult you.. but I don’t know you really... all we do is fight, w-we have nothing in common.. you’re the most beautiful person I’ve.... ever seen in my entire life. All I do all my days is study, and watch dramas and movies. You…are beautiful. The tv stars don’t stand a chance with you here, they really don’t, hyung! I know you’ve probably heard that all before..aiiish.” He squealed at the end as he covered his face with his palms since he dug his own grave this time. You don’t know anything about him and you just complimented him on something he makes a living off of. Good job. What a unique thing to compliment him on, Jungkook.

Yoongi looked down, he thinks that the boy is unaware at how much they're alike, sadly.

“I’ve never been called beautiful in my life. Dunno how to respond. Thanks?” He said, laughing but not really smiling at all, just staring at nothingness as Jungkook’s smile and hands dropped in defeat. He wasn't suppose to hear this, but instead, 'I've grown tired of how much I hear compliments from others, shut the hell up kid.' What had went wrong? He calculated this not being a big deal, now it was.

“When I first saw you, my entire world shook not to be dramatic..but it as as if an angel screamed at me like a devil for knocking a cigarette out of their hand. I was like..wow…how lucky am I? I hated the offer…but I thought..if I let you go now, I’ll never ever forgive myself for letting go somebody who made my heart..stop beating. I believe there is a God, and if I let you go, I’d probably go to hell.” Is what Jungkook wanted to, and should have said, instead of what he actually said:

“What the hell?!” Jungkook yelled, baffled as he stared at the wall, making Yoongi’s eyes snap at him.

“Are people blind?! Am I crazy?! Do you think I’m cr-crazy?” The boy asked frantically as he stared at the most exquisite God given thing that he ever had the pleasure to lay his eyes upon. Somehow, after living with him for around half a year, the older's spell hasn't worn off of him. Every day was like the first. With every drug he took inside of his system he was more beautiful. Jungkook was insane for his make up covered tragedy.

“Lil bit, Kookie, lil bit.” Yoongi's deep brown eyes shot an arrow at him at him as he sustained laughter in his belly which must've caused the explosion of the butterflies inside of it.

“Ah, hyung, I’m not crazy. They’re crazy!” The boy yelled out as he fought with the imaginary demons that fought the both of them.

“Who?” 

“Everybody.” Jungkook stated as he pouted. He tried to woo Yoongi with a compliment, but ended up making an out of himself. How the hell did he ever manage to lose his ity in this lifetime? Oh right, that’s because the other capable person flirted with him. For sakes, he can’t count on somebody to flirt with him every time. He will die alone, for sure. Jesus Christ.

Yoongi, as a response to his ‘failed attempt’ had then proceeded to lean his perfect, slightly pointed out chin onto his shoulder, clearing all of his worries, and making him exhale through his mouth as Yoongi giggled ever so shortly at the nervous baby faced kid. The male was cheery like Jimin in this moment, but he was probably high. Why was the boy thinking about Jimin? Jimin was sometimes...really warm, a personification of the sun, while Yoongi was the cold starry night, sending chills through his spines, no, no he was a poisoned needle that Jungkook stepped on upon accident all he ever got from it was freezing, cold, regret. God he was in love with the poison, it made him dance like a little monkey for a bare minimum of it's mercy. Please take mercy upon me and leave my system, it's hard to breathe sometimes, it's hard to breathe.  

Maybe he was just nervous...

“You’re…my little gentleman.” He said as he proceeded to give him a prolonged peck on the cheek with eyelids shut, even though it lasted a few seconds, time had stopped for the youth, everything slowed down in that moment. A ripple effect of happiness had spread across his entire body as he bit so hard into the inside of his cheeks that they felt like bleeding any second now. Be cool, you’re a cool guy, Jungkook. Come on, you’ve had , you’re not gonna go ape over a little kiss on the cheek, you’re eighteen, come on. This is nothing! Nothing. God, this was everything.

After the kiss the older leaned his head on Jungkook’s shoulder again, making him forget all the bad things that ever happened between them. With a gesture of kindness, he forgives all of his sins.

Jungkook loved how petite and pale Yoongi was, giving out a genderless aura about him, but of course he loved when he exposed his arms and walked around the apartment without trousers on, honestly he could drop the boxers as well. Jungkook doesn’t mind. He doesn’t want a genderless thing he wants the man in all of his glory, that’ll love him back like a man would. Jungkook constantly resisted the urge to up his biceps and thighs. Damn these teenage hormones. , the thing that gives scientists,physicist and mathematicians the most stress. They're not good at managing it, handling it, starting it, but secretly they're obsessed with it.

He would never touch him unless he initiated it, not wishing to be just…a client. Besides, what gives him that right? A petal could fall off of the flower that is his hyung, they were barely holding on after all.

“I don’t deserve you.. You make feel like I’m in an I.U. video. I guess maybe, because you’re a teen it has that teen romance thing going on..”

“Who?”

“Shhh…shhh.” Yoongi said as he slapped his cheek gently. Jungkook looked at his green hair and giggled at something inside of it.

“Your grass has flowers in it.” Jungkook spoke as Yoongi became completely confused at this point, but Jungkook ever so delicately pulled the rotten dandelion out of his hair, and showed it to him on his palm.

“Oh, shoot.” Yoongi said as he took it from his palm, chucking it out the window as the boy giggled in the return. Jungkook remembered the flower crown that Yoongi made while high on something as he sat on the grass in front of the apartment block, picking at flowers and giving every kid that passed a crown as a present. But that wasn't him, the real Min Yoongi would stomp on a kitten for a thousand won, cared about nobody but himself. 

“Hey, do you want to go on the bed and just cuddle until we fall asleep, I feel like, if we talk more, we’ll fight. Sometimes, it feels good just to nap.” Yoongi said as he looked at the other for a response.

“Maybe it’s because I sp-talk bad…” Jungkook said ashamed as Yoongi put one finger over his small lips, not allowing him to talk any longer, yet he was still so very delicate about it.

It was such a small flaw, not even a flaw on the boy in Yoongi’s eyes. He doesn’t even notice his stuttering anymore.

“Zip it…you have to cuddle me until I fall asleep, because, you’ve been ignoring meee..for weeeks…because I’m an asss, so I need cuddles.” The grown man spoke as he crawled until he reached the mattress and sprawled himself across it, inviting Jungkook to join, as he did, laying besides his hyung and not touching him.

“You look like you got a broom up your .” Yoongi said as he turned to him and completely hung himself on top of the boy, right ear on top of his heart, which was about to beat out of his chest.

“You need to learn how to reelaaaxx… stop thinking about stuff and just listen to the birds chirp.”

“I- I can not do that, I can’t do that.” Jungkook spoke frantically, so frozen up, as Yoongi got an idea, quickly leaving him and coming back with two brownies.

“Eat this, give it 15 mins, you’ll be good, babe.” Yoongi spoke as he cackled and Jungkook did just as he asked and his mind was a hundred times calmer, making his heart rate normal.

They laid in bad, Jungkook with his back pressed to the mattress, while his legs and arms were left intertwined with the boy that laid on top of him, Yoongi wishing he had music to fall asleep to since falling asleep without music to him was an impossible task. But, chose instead to listen to the music of the boy’s heart and breath, his inhale’s exhales and every unexpected weight shift he causes on the mattress. Oh the wonderful noise.

God, Yoongi missed the real human contact he so desperately needed. It will take him quitting his job and a long period afterwards for him to want to have with another man. This is really what he wants and needs right now, real, human contact and warmth, caring for each other like something less than lovers but more than friends.

Of course, they were just friends, -

- but..sometimes Yoongi was really swept off his feet by the eighteen year old. The boy that thought he was beautiful, Yoongi thought as he smiled to himself. Him, Min Yoongi that he was beautiful. Maybe Jungkook just knew him long enough to know what he was desperate for. He gained weight and his face was swollen every day, clearly the boy needed glasses. It felt nice to be in an illusion so he won't dig deep at the statement.

Holy , since when did Jungkook get pecks? Does he feel me feeling him up? Is this inappropriate? Should I just his abs and biceps casually and pretend it’s just a thing I do in my sleep? He must think I’m asleep right now, it. Yoongi thought to himself.

As Yoongi had in fact felt up what he wanted to feel up, yes, yes his muscles have grown in all the right places for some reason. Not knowing, it was because Jungkook’s basically been sleeping in Namjoon’s place with the other men, going to the gym with them and doing their dirty work. It was a strange experience, but they helped him through it and it felt like a brotherhood. But, Yoongi said, not to talk.

“Oh, .” Jungkook whispered as he gently removed himself from Yoongi’s grip to run inside of the bathroom, leaving the older baffled.

“Why now why…??” Jungkook, you can not beat off with your roommate waiting for you in the bedroom. , next plan. Jungkook thought as he took off all of his clothes and hopped into a cold shower, after he came to Yoongi, soaking, cold, wet, Yoongi cuddled him even more as he put blankets over them to heat them both up as they fell asleep, in each other’s arms. It was as if Jungkook planned this out.

“Goodnight, Bambi..”

“Goodnight,Yoongi..” He said informally as they drifted off to dream land where he only dreamt of daisies and green pastures. The feeling of the heat pressed all against his freezing body, make him feel absolutely surrounded with heat  of a pumping heart from another human being as they needed each other to survive and have meaning. As the youth Yoongi’s scarred wrists, scared with new lines, Yoongi flinched them away, scared of another lesson from the boy who constantly tried to fix his life. But, he was too weak, too weak to control it he can’t control his bad thoughts, he would if he could.

“I can explain…” Yoongi said as he stared at Jungkook’s mirrors.

“No talking…it’s okay.” Jungkook said as he the sides of his biceps instead to calm him down.

“…I used again …I felt so bad for disappointing you that, I cut myself to punish myself.” Yoongi said to the other, staring at the baby faced youth's glassy eyes, the youth who didn’t speak or give any reaction at all until a tear fell across the bridge of his nose, that took Yoongi by surprise.

“That’s okay.” The youth choked out with a smile, staring at his eyes.

“You’re not mad at me?” It doesn't look like it's okay, why would you spill your tears for me?

“Of course not.” The youth spoke as his eyes kept blurring more and more, but he didn’t wipe his tears away, almost leaving them to show the pain he felt from the older’s actions. Tears stained the white sheets once again.

“Why are you crying?” Yoongi whispered a question as he looked away from the mirrors that showed what an he was behaving like, to cause someone who gives a damn about you so much pain.

“Because you’re hurting me…let’s just be silent…please..” Jungkook said as Yoongi nodded and buried his face into Jungkook’s chest, trying not to feel a thing. He expected with every fiber of his being for Jungkook to be angry at him, but the silence was so loud it was deafening.

“You being here, and trying.. for me.. makes me overjoyed, but I’m still crying.” Jungkook spoke as Yoongi didn’t move, just listened, trying with everything he had inside of him not to give every excuse in the book for his actions. It was his fault, not Jungkook's.

..

You’re so beautiful that I’m scared. You’re right here, right here in my arms but I still can’t reach you, still can’t reach your heart. Will you ever trust me? Believe me that a nineteen year old know-it-all just wishes the best for you? If only life was that easy, that everything went the way Jungkook wanted it to. But if you love alone, you hurt alone. He knows that now as tears fall down his face.

….

I can’t do this, this . I want to quit trying, this . I hate it, I ing hate trying for you. You make me better, you, I hate you, why am I crying inside, but only scream at you on the outside. You’re the help I need, please don’t ing leave me, though. I kind of enjoy this. I kind of feel better, at times. At times I think, it’s okay since you will be proud of me, thinking that I can really do it.

..

Yoongi thought, he really wished not to be clingy, it destroys him every time he gets attached to a boy, but Jungkook makes it so easy for everybody to want to be around him. Because your own self was enough.

The man held him with his big arms, making him feel absolutely small as they laid quiet in their sadness on top of the ty mattress they both loved so much since they started sleeping together on it, it only brought them closer together. The apartment started looking less cramped, since it wasn’t a one person bedroom apartment any longer. Their bed was always made for two.

“Hey, baby.” Yoongi told the boy he was curled against.

“Hm?” The boy asked at what was probably 2 am. The older lifted his chin to meet the younger’s lips as he closed his eyes, the moment was absolutely gentle. It felt so right, neither protested nor felt discomforted. It wasn't a big deal, it was a hug, it was Yoongi remembering to make coffee for Jungkook at four am before he left for work, it was them compromising about what they want to watch on tv, it was the way they looked at each other. Yoongi put his small sweater covered hand on the boy’s cheek as they connected their lips for the second time, but this time making a much more enjoyable noise.

When Jungkook admitted his doubts about losing his ity so loosely to just some random dude to Yoongi, he must've assumed the boy has had his first kiss already, which was logical to think. He'd never take his first kiss, the man would never feel worthy enough to be anybody's first since he's already done it all. Innocence was so precious, the man wouldn't ever take somebody else innocence away from them. Yoongi comforted him and told him that since they were both each other's first that it was ten times more precious and that he should treat the boy well and that he shouldn't ignore him since they were ually active together, they should be friends and of course. Jungkook should be a proper gentleman. Basically, teaching him not to treat the boy like every man that Yoongi loved with his entirety had treated him. 

Just a simple casual toy, he was easy, that was all he was.

“I can’t sleep without music. I tried.” Yoongi said as he buried his minty head into Jungkook’s chest and neck, causing the boy to play with his hair as he thought of a solution. He didn’t know any songs, only ever hearing the ones that Yoongi put on speaker as he crashed on the sofa. God, he doesn’t remember any one of them fully since he has so many, but he played this one song on repeat, the song that had the same lines repeating.

“Pictures, I’m living through for now….tururu~ Our life was cutting through so loud…memories playing…” Jungkook sang as he the older’s hair, forgetting half of the lyrics, that Yoongi didn't even know since he knew not how to speak English, since he dropped out at fourteen. Yoongi was never able to sing, he’s never heard somebody sing so melodically, the voice coming from the place where you least expect it. Engineer that should’ve been an idol, apparently. Yoongi appreciated the way that Jungkook tried to care for music, since he knew that he absolutely couldn't care less. People who shared his interest were, well, Namjoon. That went well. Or they didn't even pretend to give half a damn. Oh what a wonderful change this was.

They inhaled with the same pace, same purpose. To love and to be loved. Between the jobs that sustain us, love is all we've ever wanted and more. Warmth and someone to call their family.

Why is it that when we breathe the same air, we don't know which one of us is dreaming, if we're breathing in reality or fiction? If this moment passes us, will we go back to being our old selves? If we untangle each other from the web of our own limbs and our own comfort, we might do something we'll regret, so let's never separate. Let's stay like this. Forever. On this mattress, just us, together.

Does asking, what are we even matter at this point in time? We will always be stuck. Between lovers and friends. Between the sane and the insane. Between love and hate.  Between dream and reality, the deep ocean and the limitless sky.

All these hectic thoughts get ahead of me, I'm turning in my bed and I'm lacking sleep.

But as you go off to university, you won't remember me much. We will stop being unstuck between the rocks that bind us to this ty apartment and finally you will start using your wings and fly away like a butterfly to shine in all your full colors, that for I am not mad at you, I hope you realize that, yet it still hurts when you release yourself as I sink further into the sea, I can't breathe.  No, I wasn't ever meant to fly, but you keep trying to teach me how. Foolish, foolish.

I won't tell him, but I quit taking my anti depressants, that's why sometimes, I get a panic attack and slip, yet another time I get suicidal thoughts, inside of myself there is a losing battle and I'm too afraid to say it out loud, whatever. It doesn't matter, since when I'm with you I'm happy, I don't want to be on drugs to control my mood around you, which means when I go outside of my comfort zone that is your scent, sometimes, it is just too much to handle. Nobody would understand these feelings, maybe only one person. You, don't worry about it on the other hand, just sleep. Then after that, if you want to, we could kiss until life stops hurting.