The Day She Forgot To Wear Underwear
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INFORMATION REGARDING THE STORY STORY TITLE: The Day She Forgot To Wear Underwear
AUTHOR: exofangurl99
CHARACTERS: Chanyeol , Kyungsoo , Kai , Sehun , Baekhyun , other EXO Members , 2ne1 , Taemin
GENRES: Romance, Drama
~STORY LINK~
Shop Requested: Reading Is Beautiful
DESCRIPTION:
Do Kyungsoo is a boy who always been bullied . So he decides to disguise a girl named Do Kyung Mi in another school to avoid bully . Park Chanyeol is a student who happened to fall in love with Kyung Mi unknowing she's actually a boy . reviewTitle [8/10]
I'll be honest with you on this one (well, I'm going to be honest in all parts anyways), although the title is quite catchy to those fans of fluffy stories, it sounds childish. When I proceeded reading your description, I was like- oh look! The description and the title fits together! Surely the plot will follow! and yes, you can say that THAT'S exactly what I thought. However, first impressions mostly fails. I failed to see that the entire plot revolved in that very day. Sure, Kyung Mi (or Kyung Soo) forgot to wear his underwear on the bus and Chanyeol saw his bulge, but hey, isn't the revolve of the plot their fluffy and aw-how-sweet relationship? Not trying to be rude, I can see very clearly what you're trying to get on with this, but it doesn't really have a connection with the whole fling.
Now, this is where I praise you. Although the title is a bit childish, I admit that this can be quite a catch for those fluffy, enthusiasts. I've never seen such title before (well, except for something with a similar concept that has something to do with bras which I failed to remember). So not only refreshing and catchy to a few readers, but the title is also unique. Kudos for you!
Foreword [8/10]
It may not be included, but I always include my thoughts about the description in the foreword section as well (God knows how much description and foreword are soulmates). The description is really good, you didn't really reveal that much and had said quite enough for us readers to digest, but I'm sure a few grammatical corrections could make it even better.
Again, I'll be frank on this one. If I were just a normal reader, I would have closed the tab right away. Not that the foreword is awful, no, just don't think of that! Your foreword is good actually, credits, a few excerpts of the story and pretty much a warning (which is why we use a foreword) about your grammar. Your foreword looked a bit messy thanks to the unnecessary capitalizations. However, like I suggested on your description, a few proofreading would do the trick.
Plot [25/35]
So I don't think I need a reminder that I'll be frank or honest, since I am going to be. No offense but the plot was so shallow and overused. I have no idea if you're trying to convey their relationship, the struggles of being someone you're not, the complications of high school, the typical highschoolau or all of them at once (which is pretty much a compilation of complications). I cannot find any sense in the characters' actions at all, most especially Chanyeol's and Kyungsoo's. Why did Chanyeol do such a thing- didn't he even thought about that Kyung Mi would be embarrassed if she was indeed a girl? More questions follows after this, but I deem it proper to discuss this in the character section.
The plot wasn't unique. Actually, I never give perfect scores in this type of category, so you don't need to worry. I believe that there is no such thing as a unique plot. All plots made today were pretty much recycled and modernized plots of the previous stories. So before we get a bit off topic- dear me! I seem to be doing that a lot, don't I? Anyways, your plot is pretty much predictable. The only thing that was entertaining was the fact that Do Kyung Mi is a boy named Do Kyung Soo.
I would have expected the events like that to come if you can put 'fluff' in the tag. Fluff in general means that you're going to expect yourself giggling by the cutesy and that the story has little plot and character development. That's probably the only thing I found with your tags. Moving on!
The story as a whole isn't that bad, but it could still use some fixing. The plot is a bit shallow and the characters weren't really helping. I don't know what your focus in the elements is/are. The readers can pretty much predict what's going to happen next, no offense. I don't see any moral lesson in the story, and I hope I can find one when the story is finished.
The flow is a bit too fast for my liking. It would have been okay but then you sometimes changed perspectives without warning or there's too many perspective change in one chapter. Here's a tip: try focusing on a perspective you're comfortable at instead of using almost all of them in one go. That's kinda like eating cookies in one go, and yes, you should expect the result to be crunchy (pun intended).
Your writing style isn't really that great, but you're stable enough and that's okay. What I want to see is details like, why does all girls seems to be crushing on Chanyeol like some typical movie taken that he's handsome. Um no, that doesn't happen in the real world. A few details and your writing style should become better. I can see potential in it, the confidence is there, what I need you to do is try to push it to its fullest form.
Characters [15/20]
I'm just shaking my head on this one. Your characters emotions didn't seem to grab me or pull me in their lives. I don't see much changes in Chanyeol's character besides the fact that he is quite weird. Like, I'm not that daring to ask my crush if he's a girl or boy in front of almost the entire student body. If you like someone or have infatuation on them, you would think twice before doing that. Although it is mentioned that Chanyeol didn't slept for two days because of it, so what? Hundreds of people all over the world are suffering insomnia due to imagining them and their crush being together. Chanyeol isn't an exclusion to that. And how can he ask Kyung Mi to be her girlfriend after that? Sure, he was taking advantage. But you can't just progress things that fast after something good happened to you. No, your reaction will be a bit slower due to euphoria.
Now, what I can't stop asking about is the fact that Kyungsoo crossdress into Kyung Mi to not get bullied. What? Her mother agreed to it? If you involve reality into this, you can clearly see that this is near to impossible. Like, this can be included in the law, you are faking an identity. And is Kyungsoo going to do that 'til college? Or 'til he gets a job? But even then he has to continue pretending. There are many consequences in this type of movement, it can even involve some serious law. This is something a mother shouldn't agree about. The instant the adults agreed, I started becoming bored. It was a bit shallow, actually. I didn't found anything natural about the actions your characters make, well, except for Sehun. I guess that Sehun is kinda like the annoying brat of the story that always annoys his friends? Well if that's the case, you're doing a good job. I just need that description out more.
I don't find anything natural in your characters' actions and deemed them a bit cringe-worthy, but overall, your characters can be fixed with perseverance. If you would take time and try to elaborate -describe- them more clearly, then they will have more depth.
Grammar [13/20]
To me, it doesn't really matter whether you're a native speaker or not. Why? Native English speakers also commits mistakes on grammar, but that's just what helps us improve. I like the confidence that I feel through your writing. Now, I found out that your problem is usually punctuation marks, capitalization and sentence structure.
About the punctuation marks, try speaking the words out loud. For example, in using a comma (.). Comma is usually one of the most misused punctuation marks. Try reading a sentence that contains comma(s) in your story, and if you encounter a few, try stopping for two seconds before continuing reading. Then ask yourself, is it really necessary to stop right there? And if it is not, then the comma should leave.
Your words were pretty much mediocre and your sentence structure is a bit awkward, but that could be fixed with a few tips. Try reading books or watching movies in English, this will help you increase your knowledge in words. As of now, I have a few corrections here. This are just chosen phrases, I did not really did all of them:
Original: (Can be found in Chapter 6, -at the Woljeong Beach)
The beach is so beautiful .Its white sandy , the blue of the sea, Its perfect.
Kyungsoo was sitting alone at the beach , staring at the sudents who seems enjoyed playing with water .
He was wearing a big white shirt and shorts pants . He never knew he had such a beatiful , milky white , soft , cute pair of legs . He smiled to himself .
Kyunsoo didn't realise Chanyeol was behind him . Chanyeol keep staring at him .Kyunsoo didnt notice at all ,Then Chanyeol backhugging him .
"hi princess" Chanyeol whispered at his ears . Kyungsoo startled .
"Chanyeol , what are you doing?"
"just enjoying this rare beautiful moment" Chanyeol hugged him even tighter and put his hands at his stomach .
"im im not used to this"
"well then get used to it"
Chanyeol kissed his squishy cheek . Long
They both silenced . It really is a beauti
AUTHOR: exofangurl99
CHARACTERS: Chanyeol , Kyungsoo , Kai , Sehun , Baekhyun , other EXO Members , 2ne1 , Taemin
GENRES: Romance, Drama
~STORY LINK~
Shop Requested: Reading Is Beautiful
DESCRIPTION:
Do Kyungsoo is a boy who always been bullied . So he decides to disguise a girl named Do Kyung Mi in another school to avoid bully . Park Chanyeol is a student who happened to fall in love with Kyung Mi unknowing she's actually a boy . reviewTitle [8/10]
I'll be honest with you on this one (well, I'm going to be honest in all parts anyways), although the title is quite catchy to those fans of fluffy stories, it sounds childish. When I proceeded reading your description, I was like- oh look! The description and the title fits together! Surely the plot will follow! and yes, you can say that THAT'S exactly what I thought. However, first impressions mostly fails. I failed to see that the entire plot revolved in that very day. Sure, Kyung Mi (or Kyung Soo) forgot to wear his underwear on the bus and Chanyeol saw his bulge, but hey, isn't the revolve of the plot their fluffy and aw-how-sweet relationship? Not trying to be rude, I can see very clearly what you're trying to get on with this, but it doesn't really have a connection with the whole fling.
Now, this is where I praise you. Although the title is a bit childish, I admit that this can be quite a catch for those fluffy, enthusiasts. I've never seen such title before (well, except for something with a similar concept that has something to do with bras which I failed to remember). So not only refreshing and catchy to a few readers, but the title is also unique. Kudos for you!
Foreword [8/10]
It may not be included, but I always include my thoughts about the description in the foreword section as well (God knows how much description and foreword are soulmates). The description is really good, you didn't really reveal that much and had said quite enough for us readers to digest, but I'm sure a few grammatical corrections could make it even better.
Again, I'll be frank on this one. If I were just a normal reader, I would have closed the tab right away. Not that the foreword is awful, no, just don't think of that! Your foreword is good actually, credits, a few excerpts of the story and pretty much a warning (which is why we use a foreword) about your grammar. Your foreword looked a bit messy thanks to the unnecessary capitalizations. However, like I suggested on your description, a few proofreading would do the trick.
Plot [25/35]
So I don't think I need a reminder that I'll be frank or honest, since I am going to be. No offense but the plot was so shallow and overused. I have no idea if you're trying to convey their relationship, the struggles of being someone you're not, the complications of high school, the typical highschoolau or all of them at once (which is pretty much a compilation of complications). I cannot find any sense in the characters' actions at all, most especially Chanyeol's and Kyungsoo's. Why did Chanyeol do such a thing- didn't he even thought about that Kyung Mi would be embarrassed if she was indeed a girl? More questions follows after this, but I deem it proper to discuss this in the character section.
The plot wasn't unique. Actually, I never give perfect scores in this type of category, so you don't need to worry. I believe that there is no such thing as a unique plot. All plots made today were pretty much recycled and modernized plots of the previous stories. So before we get a bit off topic- dear me! I seem to be doing that a lot, don't I? Anyways, your plot is pretty much predictable. The only thing that was entertaining was the fact that Do Kyung Mi is a boy named Do Kyung Soo.
I would have expected the events like that to come if you can put 'fluff' in the tag. Fluff in general means that you're going to expect yourself giggling by the cutesy and that the story has little plot and character development. That's probably the only thing I found with your tags. Moving on!
The story as a whole isn't that bad, but it could still use some fixing. The plot is a bit shallow and the characters weren't really helping. I don't know what your focus in the elements is/are. The readers can pretty much predict what's going to happen next, no offense. I don't see any moral lesson in the story, and I hope I can find one when the story is finished.
The flow is a bit too fast for my liking. It would have been okay but then you sometimes changed perspectives without warning or there's too many perspective change in one chapter. Here's a tip: try focusing on a perspective you're comfortable at instead of using almost all of them in one go. That's kinda like eating cookies in one go, and yes, you should expect the result to be crunchy (pun intended).
Your writing style isn't really that great, but you're stable enough and that's okay. What I want to see is details like, why does all girls seems to be crushing on Chanyeol like some typical movie taken that he's handsome. Um no, that doesn't happen in the real world. A few details and your writing style should become better. I can see potential in it, the confidence is there, what I need you to do is try to push it to its fullest form.
Characters [15/20]
I'm just shaking my head on this one. Your characters emotions didn't seem to grab me or pull me in their lives. I don't see much changes in Chanyeol's character besides the fact that he is quite weird. Like, I'm not that daring to ask my crush if he's a girl or boy in front of almost the entire student body. If you like someone or have infatuation on them, you would think twice before doing that. Although it is mentioned that Chanyeol didn't slept for two days because of it, so what? Hundreds of people all over the world are suffering insomnia due to imagining them and their crush being together. Chanyeol isn't an exclusion to that. And how can he ask Kyung Mi to be her girlfriend after that? Sure, he was taking advantage. But you can't just progress things that fast after something good happened to you. No, your reaction will be a bit slower due to euphoria.
Now, what I can't stop asking about is the fact that Kyungsoo crossdress into Kyung Mi to not get bullied. What? Her mother agreed to it? If you involve reality into this, you can clearly see that this is near to impossible. Like, this can be included in the law, you are faking an identity. And is Kyungsoo going to do that 'til college? Or 'til he gets a job? But even then he has to continue pretending. There are many consequences in this type of movement, it can even involve some serious law. This is something a mother shouldn't agree about. The instant the adults agreed, I started becoming bored. It was a bit shallow, actually. I didn't found anything natural about the actions your characters make, well, except for Sehun. I guess that Sehun is kinda like the annoying brat of the story that always annoys his friends? Well if that's the case, you're doing a good job. I just need that description out more.
I don't find anything natural in your characters' actions and deemed them a bit cringe-worthy, but overall, your characters can be fixed with perseverance. If you would take time and try to elaborate -describe- them more clearly, then they will have more depth.
Grammar [13/20]
To me, it doesn't really matter whether you're a native speaker or not. Why? Native English speakers also commits mistakes on grammar, but that's just what helps us improve. I like the confidence that I feel through your writing. Now, I found out that your problem is usually punctuation marks, capitalization and sentence structure.
About the punctuation marks, try speaking the words out loud. For example, in using a comma (.). Comma is usually one of the most misused punctuation marks. Try reading a sentence that contains comma(s) in your story, and if you encounter a few, try stopping for two seconds before continuing reading. Then ask yourself, is it really necessary to stop right there? And if it is not, then the comma should leave.
Your words were pretty much mediocre and your sentence structure is a bit awkward, but that could be fixed with a few tips. Try reading books or watching movies in English, this will help you increase your knowledge in words. As of now, I have a few corrections here. This are just chosen phrases, I did not really did all of them:
Original: (Can be found in Chapter 6, -at the Woljeong Beach)
The beach is so beautiful .Its white sandy , the blue of the sea, Its perfect.
Kyungsoo was sitting alone at the beach , staring at the sudents who seems enjoyed playing with water .
He was wearing a big white shirt and shorts pants . He never knew he had such a beatiful , milky white , soft , cute pair of legs . He smiled to himself .
Kyunsoo didn't realise Chanyeol was behind him . Chanyeol keep staring at him .Kyunsoo didnt notice at all ,Then Chanyeol backhugging him .
"hi princess" Chanyeol whispered at his ears . Kyungsoo startled .
"Chanyeol , what are you doing?"
"just enjoying this rare beautiful moment" Chanyeol hugged him even tighter and put his hands at his stomach .
"im im not used to this"
"well then get used to it"
Chanyeol kissed his squishy cheek . Long
They both silenced . It really is a beauti
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