Warmth.

The hand under my chin was now on my back while the other was behind my head. My arms lay limp on my sides while Yunho’s were wrapped around me. My cheek was pressing against his solid chest. I could hear him breathe, his heart pumping steadily unlike mine.

That’s it? A hug? Just a hug? It wasn’t even a romantic hug. It was… a BROTHERLY hug. The kind of hug Junsu gives, the kind of hug Yoochun gives, the kind of hug Mitch gives. A friendly, this-means-we’re-friends-and-nothing-more kind of hug. A comforting, sympathetic kind of hug. Not meaningless, not meaningful. Not worthless, not worthy. Not nothing, not something.

Just a hug. That’s all.

“I’m sorry I used it without your permission.” Yunho said in a low, apologetic voice. Though I could sense he was smiling. The way you’d sense the call center agent you were talking to on the phone was smiling. I couldn’t respond to both his embrace and apology. I don’t know how long we’ve been in this position but it felt like an eternity. His chest heaved in a long sigh. Why am I so damn short? “Forgive me, Sunmi-sshi?” He pulled away and held me at arms length. He had to bend his knees for us to be face-to-face. He smiled and cocked his head to the side.

‘This is so not the time to act adorable, Yunho, you .’ I wanted to say. Instead, I replied, “Y-yeah. S-sure. It’s… alright.” I forced a smile which I just realized was actually my sour face. I shook my head like an Etch-and-Sketch in hopes of erasing my expression. I tried again. Smile, Sunmi. Now I just looked constipated.

God have mercy on Your child! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Yunho laughed then stood up straight. He sighed again. “Your face just kills me, you know that?” he pinched my cheeks. That snapped me back to reality. I was going to slap for defense but my arms were still limp and tingling from his embrace.

He pouted at me. “No slap? No -block? No comeback?” He insisted.

No response. My words were stuck in my throat. My mind will explode if I don’t speak, I can feel it. I could almost swear my lips were quivering.

“Oh, Sunmi...” Yunho embraced me again, this time tighter… like I meant something to him.

My knees grew weak.

The last time I felt that was… five years ago: my first kiss.

How can I feel the same way with just a hug?

I felt Yunho take in the scent of my hair. My eyes closed without my telling them too. I took a breath.

He smelled nothing like Jaejoong.

Nothing at all.

While Jaejoong smelled like expensive perfume, Yunho smelled like skin and paper. Just skin and paper.

None of those seductive body sprays boys wear in hopes of getting a girl to crawl all over them could beat Yunho’s smell. His scent was like a pheromone specifically produced by his body for me…

I couldn’t respond to the hug. I didn’t want it to end. I was afraid of it to end. I knew it was going to end at any given second… and so I held on.

I took in every single detail of this moment: his scent, the warmth, the emotions. The venue didn’t matter. The darkness my eyes brought me to wasn’t so dark. If you look closer… you’ll realize you’re staring up at a star-filled sky. The tiny dots just make you think it’s a fuzzy screen of nonsense but the fragrance of his body to the warmth between us to the unexplainable feeling I have make the darkness seem so… bright. It was like making love… and that’s all I can really compare it to.

~*~*~

I lay in bed with my iPod playing a Cute Is What We Aim For song. I don’t really like the band. I just adore their lyrics.

“We keep ourselves a mystery But we provide, provide the clues So the rest is up to you and don't forget to check the obvious…” sang Shaant Hacikyan. Are you sure “There’s a Class for This”?

What are you trying to tell me? What the hell are you trying to tell me?!

I realized how painfully relatable this song was so I pressed forward.

y guitar plucking and falsettos; that’s what “Lost Without You” is about.

Sing me to sleep, Robin Thicke.

I’m not the type to think the day’s events over before I sleep but, tonight is different… I have a lot to think about. Thank you, God for making my life complicated! This is what I call an adventure… a psychological adventure; one where you feel yourself almost slipping into the abyss that is insanity, not an action-packed movie with unnecessary explosions. There’s finally some thrill in my dull life.

I pressed forward. The song really isn’t the right one for the mood. Maybe I should just listen to the stillness of the night and my breathing.

I took my earphones off and turned the iPod off. I stared at the ceiling. I was kind of afraid of the dark so I always kept at least the bathroom light on. I closed my eyes. What do I see? Do I see just black? A fuzzy screen? Stars?

All I see is just black with a hint of fuzziness. No stars. None at all.

Conclusion?

~*~*~

I woke to the sound of steps nearing my door. I sat up immediately. The door opened as I expected.

“Sunmi-sshi?” It was Changmin. He peered through the narrow gap between the threshold and the door. “It’s okay. Come in.”

“Uhm… breakfast?” Changmin asked as he pushed on the door. His head was an inch close to the top of the threshold. “You’re tall.” I blurted. “I’m six-four.” He replied with a laugh. “Six-four?!” I repeated. “And you’re random in the morning. Come on. Time for breakfast. I’ll you down the stairs, madam.” He smiled and placed on hand behind his back as if offering me to hook my arm in his.

I threw the sheets to the side and got out of the bed. I did take his arm and looked up at his face. “You really are tall.” I said. He looked down at me. “You really are short.” I had to slap his arm for that. “Hey. Reality bites.” He smiled wider.

"The princess has arrived.” Yoochun announced as I set foot in the kitchen. Jaejoong came out of nowhere and pulled me in for a lingering kiss. “Sleep well?” He asked as soon as he pulled away. “Not here.” Yoochun pointed at us with a spatula. Jaejoong sped to the stove where Yoochun stood. “You DO NOT touch my food, Yoochun. No mortal shall ever lay hands or spatulas on the food I make.” Jaejoong grabbed the spatula from Yoochun. I laughed.

“Good morning.” Yunho greeted with a slight smile. I smiled back. “Hello, Sunmi-sshi.” Jooeun appeared from his side. Great… just… awesome. I can tell how this day is gonna be already: Awkward with a big, bold A. Where’s Junsu? I need my lifter-upper.

As if on cue, I heard his signature laugh echo in the house. “Your weirdo neighbor’s trying to climb up back to his lawn. It’s hilarious!” Everyone sped to the backroom. I walked the slowest. Not only did I feel lazy, the sun was high up in the sky and the glass doors and mirrors were all on my eyes. I was practically blinded. A blurry image which I presumed to be Jaejoong took my hand and pulled me. As everyone headed to the backroom, I found myself being pulled to the utility closet.

From white, my view faded to black. I can tell I was in the utility closet. There’s no other room in the house that was this dark even in the morning. It was hot and crowded. I was too scared to scream or even try to get out. A split second later, I felt a pair of lips press mine.

The Feeling was back. The scent, the warmth, the emotions were all the same except… it was stronger this time. Stronger than I have ever felt. This wasn’t just The Spark everybody’s looking for. This is the last Spark you should ever feel. This was The Spark that meant you’re meant to be with this person forever.

I grew weak and was immediately forced against the shelves. From my face, one hand went to my back to pull me up. I kissed this person back. Waves thrashed and crushed me inside. His lips were addictive. The feeling was addictive. I pulled the person closer. I wanted more. God… how I wanted more.

But I had to see him. I had to see Jaejoong. I wanted to see him and see the face I’d wake up to every single morning for the rest of my life. For the first time in an eternity, I took a breath.

Skin…

and paper.

I shot my eyes open and fumbled for the light switch. As light filled the room, my eyes adjusted. The kissing stopped.

“I’m sorry.”

I was too shocked to even speak or ever breathe again. If I breathe, I’d take in his scent. If I speak, I’d ruin everything. “Sunmi… I’m… I’m so sorry.” He reached out for my face but I refused.

Everything. All that. Those were from him. From Jung Yunho. My heart was beating so fast and so hard, I felt like I was having a heart attack.

“You’re not meant to be with him, Sunmi.” Yunho came closer but this time I was too clouded by thoughts and emotions to react. “You’re meant to be with me.”

“Don’t lie to me. You felt something from that kiss. I did.” He cupped my chin and planted a soft kiss on my lips then raked my hair off my face with both hands. He angled his head to my neck. He lifted one of my legs and sat me down the small closet against the wall. His lips traveled from my neck to my collarbones then back up to my lips. I lost my hands in his hair. I didn’t know whether to respond or run away. But wasn’t responding already running away? Away with him in our own world. Away from Jaejoong. Away from Yoochun. Away from pictures.

I pulled away but kept him close. I looked into his eyes. The night before he left came back to me. I traced his face with my thumb. I was hoping to feel latex. I wanted him to take the mask off and reveal who he really was. I wanted him to be Jaejoong. I wanted Jaejoong to be him. I wanted both of them.

I kissed him. I kissed him harder than I would kiss Jaejoong. He kissed me back eagerly and with much desire. I parted my lips further. He didn’t hesitate to enter my mouth. He groaned. His voice entered my system and rocked it like an earthquake.

Jaejoong always tasted like wine even though he didn’t have any. But Yunho… Yunho tasted like mint and chocolates. The kiss grew deeper and I could taste more of him. Right now, I didn’t care what kind of impression I was making on him. If I was a good kisser or if I tasted right to him, it didn’t matter.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him lock the door with one hand. It went to my back and under my shirt. His electric touch was back. I wanted more of that too. We kissed again. Trying to get deeper into each other. To explore more of each other. Our hands were all over each other. I wanted more… more… and more.

Then I realized that things are just going way too fast. I pulled away before anything else happened.

“I…”

I slipped away from him and off the small closet. He just stood there.

“I have to go.”

I got out of the utility closet and into the light of day again.

“There you are! What were you doing in there?” Jaejoong placed and arm around me. I forced a smile. He laughed and ran a hand through my hair to fix it. “Must be crowded in there. Your hair’s a mess.” He said. We headed to the kitchen again. I turned to look back at the closet door. It opened and revealed messed up Yunho. His shirt was wrinkled and his hair was in tangled disarray. He looked at me but I turned to Jaejoong.

‘You’re not meant to be with him, Sunmi. You’re meant to be with me.’ Yunho’s voice echoed in my head.

“Let’s get you breakfast.” Jaejoong said with a wide smile. I nodded.

Not to Jaejoong… but to Yunho. <!--Chapter end-->