Where to begin?

I was like a rabid dog clawing through the closet. I threw clothes on the bed not caring if they’d get wrinkled. I pulled the biggest suitcase I had and ped it. I threw the clothes in still not caring that they’re not folded neatly.

“Sunmi! Open this door!” Yoochun said as the door shook violently from his banging.

I was deaf. I was mute. I was blind. I was crippled.

I was just too confused and too hurt to function… that is if I were still alive. I could see my phone vibrating on the side table. I grabbed it and saw who was calling. It was Junsu. I pressed “reject” and shoved it in my pocket. It wasn’t long before it started vibrating again so I switched it off.

My eyes were still burning from crying. I sped to the bathroom, grabbed all my toiletries and stuffed them in a backpack I found lying in the closet. I took my laptop and placed it on top of the pile of clothes in the suitcase. Now nothing in this god ed room is mine.

I looked at my palm. I had the address to Yunho’s apartment slash office slash studio and his landline number written on it. I got it from his agency whose number I got from a calling card I took from the receptionist’s table at the gallery. I have my connections.

I was about 60% sure that Yunho was in his apartment. No one would think I’d go there so it made the best place to hide… the perfect place. And I wanted to be with someone who is probably just as shocked, betrayed and heart-broken as I am. Our “significant others” are and ers. We’d probably even help each other commit suicide. I hear it’s a huge fad in Korea… all the celebrities are doing it.

I gave the room one last look. There. I’m done. Yoochun will just have to bring the extra things. We’d meet in the States… my brother will bring home my dead body.
I wore the backpack and pulled the suitcase behind me. I threw the door open. Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin, Jaejoong and Jooeun were all there.

“ off my way.” I said.

Yoochun’s hands took my arms but I yanked them away. I stared at the floor as I tried to get across.
“Sunmi, please. Where are you going?” I could hear him trying to hold back tears.

God it. Don’t do this to me, oppa. I started to cry again. Yoochun took my arm again as he pursued me on the stairs. He took my chin and raised it to look at me. I looked at his face. He really was crying. I heard Junsu ask Jaejoong and Jooeun not to move.

“Sunmi. Dongsaeng. Don’t do this. Where will you go? Are you going home? Can’t we just talk for a while?” he pleaded with his eyes filling as it emptied. I hated seeing him cry. I hate seeing anybody cry.

I didn’t reply. Not because I didn’t want to but because I had nothing to say that wouldn’t ruin me or him.

I took my eyes off Yoochun and continued down the stairs toward the door. I heard speeding steps go down the stairs and continued to near me. A hand held the doorknob before I could.

“Sunmi, let’s talk for a minute, okay? I’ll explain.” Jaejoong’s voice never sounded so solemn. I looked up to his face.

“Hope you had a real ed up, in’ time playing with me, Jaejoong.” I said.

I was out the door in no time. There waited the taxi I called. No one was chasing me anymore. I got in the car as soon as all my baggage was in the trunk. I gave the driver the address and we sped off.

There was no looking back. No regrets. Nothing at all.

~*~*~
The doorman let me in immediately. Maybe because it was typical to have girls just drop by and say “I’m here to see Jung Yunho.” or maybe because he really doesn’t give a . He didn’t look like he would care if this building exploded. He said Yunho was upstairs at the 11th floor. I knew that already because of the card so I asked which room in the 11th floor. He said Yunho owned the entire 11th floor.

Fantastic.

I was in Yunho’s apartment but there was no sign of any living creature here. The walls were predictably lined with photos and the floors were piled with all sorts of paper. Equipments were everywhere from lights to reflectors to computer monitors. I didn’t bother to call out his name. I’m sure I wouldn’t be heard. A loud bark echoed from a far corner. I cursed as I leapt on a couch.

A black and white Siberian Husky came running from a hallway toward me. It sat right in front of me as if to assure me that it won’t bite. I touched its head and it blinked at me. I swear I could almost tell it was smiling.

I read its collar. “Taepung? Taepung? Sorry, dog. I can’t read Korean much.” I said. The dog barked. “Your name . Do your dog friends make fun of you?” Taepyung/Taepung got on his back. I rubbed his stomach. “Typhoon suits you better.” He got back on his feet and barked.

“Yah, Tae?! Why are you--” Yunho came out of the end of the same hallway Typhoon came from.

All of a sudden my reason for coming here slipped through my mind. Actually, I think my entire brain just turned into mush. Typhoon came running to his master’s side and left me looking like a disturbed, paranoia patient in a psycho ward.

Yunho was clad in just a white towel around his waist and another towel around his neck. For someone who takes pictures of beautiful people, he’s damn gorgeous. His hair was dripping wet and his torso was glistening from traces of water under the white lights. His perfectly toned arms lay limp on his sides giving me a perfect front view of his washboard abs. A V going south emphasized his sides and coaxed me to imagine him without the towel.

I’m not one who compares but… Yunho is way hotter than that er, Jaejoong. We both just stood there frozen in each other’s spots. I saw his eyes travel to the side of the room where my bags were then they traveled back to where I stood. Yunho pointed at me then the bags and cocked his head to the side.

“Am I in trouble?” he said.

Oh screw you, Yunho.

“No.” I answered.

Yunho walked towards me until we were centimeters apart. He took himself to my level and stared at me at such a distance that I was afraid I was going to turn cross-eyed. He pulled himself away after a few torturous seconds.
“Have you been crying?” He asked.

Damn it. He knows everything.

“Yes.” I replied.

“Would you stop answering in one syllable. Talk!” he nudged me playfully.

“Sorry.” I forced a smile.

“Two syllables! Okay, progress.” He sat on the couch and Typhoon followed. I was yanked down by Yunho. “Something’s wrong with you. Come on. You can tell me.” He assured.

“You know that girlfriend of yours really .” I said

He smirked. “Jooeun-sshi? No, no. She’s not my girlfriend.” He said half-laughing.

“Whatever, okay. She just . So does that er…”

“There are lots of ers in the world; I have to know which one.”

“Jaejoong .”

“Oh yeah. I forgot about your boyfriend…”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“If you say so.”

I just knew he wasn’t going to end there. He sighed as if to coax me… and I gave. “I caught them…” I said.

“Who?”

“Jooeun and Jaejoong.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it?! Just ‘Oh’?! Your freaking girlfriend is cheating on you with THE love of MY freaking childhood and all you say is ‘Oh.’?!”

“That’s because I knew they were screwing each other. So did Junsu. And so did Changmin.”

The ‘Reason for My Being Here’ reared its ugly head again. I’m here to hide from those liars and wallow in misery with someone as miserable as I am but instead I’m stuck with another liar. ing great. Nice move, God. Is this how it’s going to be now, huh?

“Let me guess. You’re here with all your stuff to get away from them. Not a very smart move but I don’t blame you. It’s hard to function when your mind’s just been ed.” Yunho was petting Typhoon as he spoke. “I see you’ve met my buddy Taepung here! What do say? Handsome isn’t he?” He said brightly.

I tried to smile. “I’m not really into dogs but… yeah. He looks kind of dashing.” I said.

Yunho returned my ‘smile’ and stood up. “Now if you’ll excuse me, miss. I think it’s about time I got dressed up. Please make yourself comfortable and don’t kill yourself while I’m gone. Taepung! You’re in charge of the lady. Don’t make any moves on her. She’s mine.” Yunho went towards another hallway and disappeared.

Just as Yunho had told him to do, Typhoon stayed with me on the couch. I gave Typhoon a pat on the head.
“Your name really . Wanna die with me?” I asked Typhoon. He barked. “You’re right. I should do as I’m told to do too.”

~*~*~
Day became night. I didn’t know for how long I’ve been here and it didn’t really matter. I was happy here. I could forget about everything here. Even though I didn’t own this place, I felt as if I belonged here. I sat there in front of the full glass window, waiting for Yunho to come back. I had the perfect view of a perfect Seoul night. Lights everywhere, the sounds of the streets were close to inaudible, the flickering of the very few distant stars, and the moon at its full brightest: Perfect.

“You know what heals a broken heart best?” Yunho entered the living room with a bottle of wine on one hand and two glasses on the other. “A bottle of good wine with someone who is willing to listen to you cry and whimper.” He smiled as he sat next me on the blanket he laid on the carpet.

“Tell me again why we have to do this on the floor and not on the sofa or the table?” I asked as he opened the bottle with a pocket knife.

“We’re in Korea! Let’s do as the Koreans do!” he announced, raising his glass for a toast. “To cheating bastards…”

“To cheating bastards.” I echoed, clinking my glass with his.

Typhoon came to join the ‘party’. He sat next to me and I played with his wild fur.

“If we’re in Korea, shouldn’t we be drinking soju not red wine?” I asked.

“I ran out and I’m just too lazy get out and buy one.” He drank from his glass and hissed to the taste of the alcohol.

We drank for god knows how long and god knows how much. Soon, the bottle was close to empty and my vision was getting a bit hazy. I could tell Yunho was just as tipsy as I was. He was laughing for no reason and was stumbling for words when he spoke. We were both on the brink of drunk-ness. Typhoon retired for the night and went to his spot on the foot of a couch.

“Where have you been for the past five days?” I finally asked.

“I’ve been here. Just here. It was pretty boring but… I’ve got Taepung with me.” he slurred in reply. He then coughed up a laugh and looked at me straight in the eyes. “You must be wondering why I’m always disappearing whenever something comes up between us. When they finally get what they want, they don’t know what to do with it afterwards.
And if they do something accidental, they don’t know whether to take it like a man or run like a girl. We’re all cowards. Cowards in many, different levels.”

“Did you want any of those to happen? Or were they all accidents?”

“Accidents I wanted to happen.”

“Why didn’t you just take it like a man?”

“Because I’m a coward and…” he paused to look at me.

“I’m in love with the most beautiful, most talented, most intelligent girl I have ever met in my life.” He didn’t take his eyes off me… not for a single second.

Everything was a blur except his face. That face that if you took the time to really look at, you’d realize he was everything you ever wanted in your life. A face you’d want to see first thing in the morning and the last thing before you sleep at night. A face you’d want to see in dreams and in reality. A face you’d want to touch just to see if it’s real… to see if you’re in a dream you’d never want to wake up from. A face you’d want to see everywhere, at any given time or place. The only face you’d see and blame for that ridiculous smile on your lips and those dreamy thoughts in your head. The only face… the last face. Your everything. Your world, your mind, your heart, your soul…

I felt his warm hand under my chin. His breath touching my face. He was getting closer. The heat of his body and mine were coming in close. He was so close…

so…

close.

Our lips touched.

My blood warmed. My mind exploded. My heart was beating again… beating fast and steady. And as if it was an automatic response… I kissed him back. Feverishly and passionately. Holding on to this familiar feeling I’m feeling. To this feeling I’ve felt once and was stupid enough to run away from. To this confusingly beautiful, mind-blowing, heart-pounding feeling only Jung Yunho can make me feel.

He returned my responses. Maybe even more than I was responding to his. I returned his touches. I returned his kisses. He responded to me. He gave me more. It didn’t feel forced. I didn’t feel the need to impress him. I didn’t feel as if each kiss was being rated or compared… it felt like each kiss was being held onto and kept for memory’s sake.

His arms lowered us to the floor. My back on the flat of the carpet, his face hovering above mine. I pulled him close for our lips to touch once more. His body was lying on top of me. Every curve, each dip and rise was complimented by him.

“Not here…” he said against my lips.
He pulled away and dragged me up along with him. We reached a room with a bed, a side table, a cabinet and a sliding door. He turned to me. Stared at me with eyes that burned and pierced my skin. He forced me to a wall and kissed me again. What I thought was the roughest and the most fervent he could kiss was actually just the beginning. I could feel my lips slowly numbing to the harshness of his kiss. I could feel my tongue slowly wane to respond. I was beginning to be taken over by him. By his power and lust.

He guided me into the room. We soon fell onto his unmade bed. I pulled myself up towards the head as he followed; never breaking the kiss we shared. I was running out of breath but I didn’t care. I could die of suffocation or lack of oxygen right now. I really couldn’t care less.

The heat was unbearable. Considering the fact that this flat was on central air, it was burning. Something inside me was about to explode. I felt possessed. There was want. There was need. I knew he could see it in my eyes as he broke our kiss and looked into my eyes. He took a lock of hair away from my eyes. He kissed my forehead and continued downward, not leaving an inch untouched.

I felt him trace the collar of my shirt down to the buttons. He froze when he reached the hem of the shirt. He traveled back to the collar as he kissed my neck. He kissed every inch of my skin that was visible to him. His fingers undid each button of my shirt. My fingers were lost in his hair as I tried to keep him close to me.

My shirt was open. He straddled me between his knees as if to take a mental photo of me. I sat up and took the shirt off my shoulders. We were face-to-face again. I kissed him hard on the lips. He adjusted to a more comfortable position, placing me on his lap now to have him between my knees. I pulled on his shirt and removed it. I kissed his neck and his shoulders. His hands never rested on a single part of my back. I pushed him to his back, with our heads on the wrong end of the bed. I kissed his bare chest down to his stomach, stopping before I could touch the front of his jeans.

I could hear him moan my name. I kissed his lips and swallowed his moans as he swallowed mine. I touched the buckle of his belt. I pulled away and sit astride his hips. I took the belt off and undid the button of his jeans. He rose and pushed me gently on to my back, my head falling onto a pillow.

“You never hesitate, do you?” He smiled at me. I smiled back and kissed him.

It didn’t take long before both of our jeans were off and we were left with nothing on but our underwear. We were under the sheets, looking deep into each other’s now fully sober eyes. His hand traveled to my back and undid the hooks of my bra. He slid each strap from my shoulders and stripped me top bare. His eyes were still staring deep into mine. He continued south, tracing the sides of my torso. He kissed me as he peeled of the remainder of my clothes. I was fully and helplessly lying underneath Jung Yunho. I held on to his waist and shed his boxers for him.

The heat of our bodies and the textures of our skins finally touched. Our bodies pressed onto each other. We kissed torridly, burning each other’s mouths. Our hands traveling everywhere, exploring the other’s body… making it familiar territory… home.
‘Don’t turn back now. Just keep going. Don’t stop.’ I said to myself.

“Sunmi…” Yunho groaned. “Hold on to me.”

I dug my nails deep onto his back and called his name. He called mine back, his face painted with desire.
I have never done anything so beautiful in my life. I have never experienced anything this great and this wonderful. I have never done anything like this before… nothing like this.