-June 9, 2019-

As I settled myself on the fluffy bed, I found myself caressing a small red box that was decorated with small flowers around the side. Smiling a little, I took a deep breath and opened the box, as careful as I can. There inside the box, I found a lot of mementos, and each of them meant very dearly to me. Gliding my fingers on each one of the mementos, I found myself painting a very happy smile on my façade. There were letters, pictures, concerts tickets, movie tickets, theme park tickets and so much more, and each and every one of those had its own story to tell. Pulling out a folded paper, I placed the box down on my left side. Opening the paper and reading the first line in it, I found myself lost in the memory that it carried.

This letter was dated November 18, 2018. As I read it out for what happens to be the thousandth time, I found myself tearing at it.

‘To my beloved Taengoo,

People say, when you finally meet the love of your life, you will be blessed with the happiest moments in your entire life. That’s what I felt the minute I laid my eyes on you.

It was in 2007, and you appeared in the TV performing your debut song Into the New World and I was watching it with the members. That was the first time that I felt so giddy and jittery because I saw you smiled. Despite it was just through the TV and that you weren’t really smiling directly for me, I still felt as if my whole world stops because I was captured in that beautiful smile of yours, baby.

The first time that I got to hear you talking to me was during the time Yoona and Seungri were casted in that variety show and that all Big Bang members and SNSD members made an appearance in it. When you talked to me, baby, despite it just being a simple greeting, I felt as if my knees just gave away and I nearly collapsed right then and there. What have you done to me, Kim Taeyeon? But I was far from complaining. I have had a fair share of women before, but none of them ever made me feel what I felt because of you. And I knew from that moment that you are the love of my life. Because from that day onwards, everything was beautiful, and even when I got hurt because of scandals and rumours, I got through them like they were nothing, because I knew that I have met the reason for me to continue striving forward and live the life as best as I can. Because I have met you.

But somehow God had other plans for me, baby, one minute I was sure you are mine and I was ready to direct my life towards you, next he tested me with news of you dating other men, and I found myself hurt. I’m not blaming you, baby, you didn’t even know about my feelings for you then. I was just hurt because of myself, because I was too much of a chicken to make my first move and court you. And because Big Bang and SNSD had almost never having the same schedule together, meeting you was almost impossible because I don’t have any perfect excuse to meet you. And the heartbroken Jiyong just had to be a brat and went out with those other women. They were fillers, baby, because they weren’t you. And I want you, only you.

For years I have to be satisfied with only looking at you either through the TV or from afar, because despite us being in the same place at the same time, the fact that we weren’t friends me no chit-chatting and no hangouts. And for every year I watched you mature beautifully and each year I counted my blessings, of the possibilities of having you as mine. But still, no Taeyeon and Jiyong. Just Taeyeon, and just Jiyong. From time to time, I thought that maybe we were never meant to be, with the both of us never actually meet in the middle, it was like you and I were fated to just be strangers to each other. Baby, that thought nearly killed me, because I was so sure that you and I should be together.

And then, after years of just hoping and dreaming of us together, I was met with the most beautiful year of my life. 2015 will forever be etched into my mind. Because 2015 marked the year I was rumoured to be dating you, and 2015 was also the year we actually started dating. I was the happiest man alive, baby. The rumour alone had me going like a lovesick puppy, what more when you agreed to be my girl. I was ecstatic. Baby, you were finally there for me! The year 2015 was the most dynamic for me. I found myself dreading to say goodnight but so happy to wake up in the morning. I found myself enjoying life more the minute you allowed me to court you. I looked forward to meet you all the time, and everytime we were together, I can’t help but hugged you, kissed you on your beautiful cheeks and held your hands in mine. I was the happiest man, thanks to you, baby.

Despite there were fans wishing us to be apart, you held strong for me, for us, and for that, I held the strongest I can, and we were jus